Exception to the Rule
by hpobsessedrissa
Summary: “I ruin lives, James. You wouldn’t believe it, but I’ve ruined yours too.” In a heartbeat, my feet are on the floor and I’m closing the gap between his arm holding the envelope and myself. “And hers.” L/J, AU, OOC.
1. Prologue

**A/N:** Spun from a thought I had one night and couldn't stop writing. I do hope you'll enjoy it and please review! **Rated T, but will have some very strong language at times. May be moved into M category, not sure. Just a warning!**

**I'd like to point out that this is not a chapter, it's just the Prologue, and the conversation below was taken from a chapter I already have going. I just posted this first because it seemed like an interesting thing to do.**

**Disclaimer**: Far from being the great J.K. so don't get it twisted. I do this for fun, not financial profit.

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EXCEPTION TO THE RULE

**Prologue**

_**James' POV**_

"I drink a lot now. Ever wonder why?" Sirius asks as he tumbles onto the chair directly across from mine, clearly intoxicated.

"Can't say that I do."

My attention switches back to my Potions essay due early tomorrow morning. Truthfully, my answer would be a lie. He had always been a reasonable drinker. Not too much, but just enough to get a little tipsy.

After I discovered Sirius passed out one night on the common room couch clutching a large bottle of Ogden's strongest firewhiskey, I'd been covertly wondering ever since. Lately, he'd made it a nightly custom. My presumption was that it had something to do with his family.

"Well, don't you want to know why?" He asks with a slight slur of his words. Confident that he will continue no matter if I say 'yes' or 'no', I remain silent. I really don't have time for his shit. He'll probably pass out within the next five minutes anyway.

"I think I should have been in Slytherin."

I pause from my writing, mentally digest his words, and turn my head to look at him. Where's this coming from? The Sirius I know would never, ever make such a statement, completely pissed or not. Or maybe he would, he's said some ridiculous things in the past. Lost in my own probing thoughts, I can only muster one stupid word in response.

"Okay…"

The hand holding his drink of choice for the night sloshes the burgundy liquid around in vortex, entrancing its owner. His glassy eyes are glued to the bottle and I can't even begin to guess what thoughts are running through his head.

"It's the truth, you know. I have all the qualities of the classic Slytherin. I'm…what's the word? Manipulative…yeah, that's it. And calculating and ruthless. I'm just like _them_, only nobody sees it 'cause I'm a reformed Gryffindor now."

My brain is racking as I can only imagine what he's talking about. He's sprawled over the chair now- one leg swung over the armrest and his own arm draped over the back of the chair- and staring blankly into the roaring fire that is in close proximity. His eyes reflect the wild and erratic flames, but it's as if they contain a fire of their own.

"I'm just like Malfoy and Snape or any one of those bloody Death Eaters. Maybe even Voldemort. I'm destructive, a poison in the body. I ruin lives, James. I always have. I've ruined mine and Marlene's."

What the hell is he on about?

As if reading my mind, his free hand plunges underneath his robes and into the pocket of his slacks, emerging with what appears to be a crumpled beige envelope. We are both staring at it with great deliberation when he finally speaks.

"And you wouldn't believe it, but I've ruined yours too."

In a heartbeat my feet are on the floor and I'm closing the gap between his arm holding the envelope and myself. His words echo in my head like the beating of a gong.

"And hers."

I can feel the color drain from my face and my heart rate speeding up. For the first time, I get a good look at the envelope. The lone word written on the envelope forms my first name in an elegant cursive. The handwriting belongs to the only woman to ever capture my heart, the woman who will always have it.

Lily.

"Sirius, what the fuck have you _done_?"

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**A/N: Curious? Bored? How many stars out of 10? Let me know what you think: hit the review button, por favor. I promise I'll reply and answer any questions (without giving anything away, of course) :D**


	2. 1: Flawless

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of these characters, just the story itself. Get it? Got it? Good.

**A/N**: I present to you the highly anticipated and **official** chapter 1, where our story _really_ begins. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed this story, my first novel-length.

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EXCEPTION TO THE RULE

**Chapter 1**: Flawless

_**Sirius' POV**_

**October 30, 1976  
Saturday**

_Flawless._

That's the only word that could depict the couple sitting in front of me, their bodies entangled and at ease. The word 'perfect' is too cliché for such a unique pair like them.

Yes, flawless is the correct term. But truthfully, there are no words in any dictionary that can define them.

Separately, they're amazing, no doubt. Quidditch captain and Head Boy and the beautiful and very intelligent Head Girl. Individually, they shine brilliantly like stars in a cloudless sky.

But when joined together, they exude a different type of power that is indescribable. I don't think it's possible that even the sun could exceed their luminosity. They are total complements of one another and when their talents merge, they're invincible. The perfect balance of noncompliance and obedience as well as laidback and studious.

Lily and James, supreme couple, the embodiment of flawlessness.

I've seen a lot of relationships, both young and old alike, in my 17 years in this world. None can compare and all fall short. If they haven't yet, they will eventually.

I never knew a love like that existed before they became dear friends and--slowly but surely--lovers.

I watched from the side as James would pull her then carrot-colored plaits, jinx her skin to appear as if she'd suffered an extremely bad sunburn, and send her precious schoolbooks flying in all directions down the hallways with a flip of his wand. He embarrassed her-completely and totally humiliated her in front of her peers-and in spite of everything they managed to fall in love.

Their parents are convinced it's just puppy love. After all, how can you fall madly in love at 16 and expect it to last? But for those of us at school who can witness all of it daily, we know better. We see the looks; we hear the sweet nothings they whisper to one another when they think no one can hear them.

They're the couple little girls read about in their fairy tale books. He's the knight in shining armor and she's his princess, soon to be Queen. Their love is one that most only dream of finding.

And that's where the jealousy comes into play.

Girls are constantly preaching to their boyfriends about how they should be more like James. James, who treats Lily like a one-of-a-kind porcelain doll. In turn, the guys secretly wish their girlfriends would melt when their hands touched like Lily does with James. Mumbles of the dreams and aspirations that they desire in each other fade into the night when they realize they're not that couple, nor will they ever be.

I'm not an exception to this group. Let me make one thing clear: I am not jealous of James because he has Lily. I'm jealous because James has someone like Lily in his life. She's his foundation and the only one who can keep his head screwed on straight.

I'm jealous because at the youthful age of 16, he's found his soul mate. The partner he will run off and marry, have children, and sit on their front porch in matching rocking chairs with. He will fall asleep dreaming of her face and then awake to find the real thing beside him forevermore.

It's because of that certainty that I envy James.

Because his marathon is over and I'm still tremendously far from the finish line. He's with the woman who fulfills his wildest dreams and I'm with the girl who momentarily fulfills my lusts.

The 'relationship' I'm currently endeavoring has come to a crossroad. I have chosen to take the left turn while she's chosen the right. For some reason unbeknownst to either of us, we're still clinging onto something. What that something is, I don't have a clue.

I honestly wish I could feel for Marlene what James feels for Lily. I wish I could look at Marlene like she's the only woman in the room. I wish I could shout the words 'I love you' at the top of my lungs and sing it from the highest mountain and actually **mean** it.

But I can't. Both she and I know it. James and Lily have the love that lasts a lifetime. Marlene and I have a love that lasts a minute.

And the seconds are slowly—_torturously_—ticking away.

"Si, how about this one?"

My gaze is trained on the sickeningly sweet vision before me as I feel a feminine hand firmly grasp my shoulder. Reluctantly, I turn around to face Marlene.

"Sirius, how do I look?" She asks as she spins in her navy blue dress.

With a grin, I stand and reply, "Stunning."

While our relationship contains many secrets and lies (mostly on my part if not all), that is not one of them. Marlene is nothing short of drop-dead gorgeous. Silky straight hair that is the color of rich chocolate is pinned half way up, the other half cascading elegantly down her back. Her stormy eyes, a mixture of blue and gray, are shining brightly and her smile couldn't be more radiant. Even without all of the bells and whistles, she's still the most striking woman I've ever set eyes on.

"There's only one thing that needs to be fixed…" With a sly smile she turns around, revealing her exposed back and a partially fixed zipper, "Will you help me?"

I can only smile as I walk to stand very close behind her and tug on the zipper until it's all the way up.

"Why do you insist on buying things like this when you always need help putting them on?"

Behind me, I heard James chuckle and the sounds of him standing up to stretch his limbs.

"They know what it does to us. As if the lengths of the dresses aren't tantalizing enough, they feel it necessary to take it a step forward and tease us. Make us help them clothe themselves when they know we want to do the exact opposite. Lily does it all the time."

Immediately, an open-mouthed Lily is up from the couch as well to slap James hard on his arm and all four of us are laughing.

"Hey, no need to resort to violence! You know I'm right, anyway. You know what you're doing to me when you wear this little green number of yours. You're a tease, Miss Evans." He states with a smirk and a familiar mischievous twinkle in his eye.

A look that can rival James' graces Lily's face and she leans inches away from his, their lips treacherously close.

"A tease, am I? Maybe. But you know better than anyone that I don't need a dress to do that."

"That, love, is completely true." James stated as he moved a little closer.

His lips barely grazed hers when Lily unexpectedly turns away to face Marlene and myself, causing Marlene to burst into hysterics.

"And this is where our dear Mr. Potter is incorrect, Sirius. That sort of teasing is unnecessary. Why buy a dress just for that purpose when it can be done so easily?"

She turns to face James and blows him a kiss. His shocked expression transforms into a pout and Lily further presses the issue.

"But you know, if you guys are tired of helping, we can find a few volunteers who would happily assist…" She trails off, chancing another look at James just in time to see him frown.

"Most definitely not! I'm the only man who will be undertaking that task from here on out." He says as he gathers her in his arms, places light kisses on her pale shoulder and his lips travel up to her neck. The joking atmosphere that inhabited the room a few seconds ago has vanished. Lily's arms are wrapped around his neck, pulling his lips down to meet hers in a sweet kiss.

I, along with Marlene, can only stare at the loving couple for a few moments and then she turns away, playing with the hem of her dress in an attempt to cut the mounting tension between us. Nothing new. This is how it's always been and it's how it always will be for as long as we're together.

Something on Lily's right hand catches my eye as she and James sway back and forth in each other's arms: her promise ring. Upon seeing it, I'm brought back to the day when James told me he had bought them. His face lit up with joy. Why wouldn't it? The girl of his dreams was going to wear a public symbol of their love on her finger, promising that she would be his eternally.

I remember the day that wasn't too long ago when he slipped it on her right ring finger. I'm not sure how many people heard it, but the words that he disclosed afterwards rang loud in my ears.

"_One day, I'm going to move this ring to your other hand."_

He wears his on his right ring finger and when it's not there, it's usually on a silver chain around his neck. Either way it is never far from him at any time. Even when he's racing around the pitch at dangerously high speeds and being chased by bludgers, he has it safely tucked in underneath his uniform.

I, being the free-spirited bachelor that I am, once asked him why he wore it all the time. I'll never forget the look on his face when he stared back at me. _'It makes me feel closer to her'_ was his only answer. He also takes the time to observe the ring on her finger, knowing she feels the same, and that thought alone can bring a permanent smile to his face.

I don't have that with Marlene. I might never have it with anyone. But that doesn't stop me from wanting it.

"Shouldn't we be leaving?" Marlene asks. I didn't miss the catch in her voice as she spoke.

"Probably. Heard it's some party for some Quidditch team. Won some sort of game or something. I have to go meet their captain; I hear he's a spectacular fellow. Not to mention devilishly handsome."

James held his chin up high in a proud manner and after seeing the look on Lily's face, I waited to watch his arrogance drop down a couple of points. As predicted, her soft voice spoke up with just the right amount of innocence.

"Amos, is it? James, I didn't know you felt that way. If I had known that sooner, I wouldn't have deprived you of your lover boy!"

Laughter erupts from ¾ of our small group as James' mouth falls open.

"Shut your trap sweetie, you'll catch flies with it that wide." Lily says after her laughter has somewhat subsided.

"Oh that was so not funny, Lil." James said and I could tell that he was fighting off a grin, but tried in vain to hold it back, "Besides, you know their Keeper, Woodson, is more my type..."

Lily throws her head back and her shoulder shake with mirth and James grins at her as he loops their arms together. They proceed to walk towards the portrait of the Head dorms, Marlene and I following in a similar fashion. My eyes never leave the couple ahead of us.

Lily rests her head on James' shoulder as they walk calmly down the corridor. Even from this distance we can hear the celebrations and chants in honor of Gryffindor, but nothing disturbs their serene nature. His arm is no longer looped with hers, but wrapped around her tiny waist and holding her firmly against him. She couldn't get away if she tried. Not that she'd want to.

It's little things like this that make the greed surge through my veins, burning every cell in my body. The little jokes, the little insults that they can get away with. Whether they're teasing each other about their 'crushes' or making witty remarks, they still know where their hearts belong. It doesn't matter how cute she thinks a pro Quidditch player is or how hot he thinks the 'Veela of the Month' on my calendar is. They're so secure with what they have that nothing fazes them.

If I used some of the jokes on Marlene that James uses with Lily, I would be in the doghouse 24-7. No pun intended.

Knowledge of the truth is painful.

I glance at Marlene out of the corner of my eye to see her gaze was aimed at the floor and I wonder what it would be like to feel that way about her. To have a relationship based on our love and trust, not just the comfort of having eye candy by my side and an occupied position next to my body in bed. I just can't help but wonder.

Finally, we're face-to-face with the portrait of the Fat Lady (who is looking extremely pissed, might I add), the only thing separating us from the raging celebration inside. Since I somehow ended up being the closest, I yelled the password at the portrait and she violently swung open, mumbling a long stream of explicit words under her breath while doing so.

Marlene and I enter first, attracting the attention of several people. I immediately plaster on a roguish veneer, living up to the role I've played all of my seven years at Hogwarts. Slapping hands with the guys, winking at the ladies who giggle as I walk by, pretending that Marlene is nothing more than a trophy girl. I know it's killing her to stand by as I ignore her presence completely. But really, who am I if I'm not the hard-partying Gryffindor bachelor that everyone knows and loves?

The applause and cheers reach an all-time high as a new couple steps through the portrait.

"_Great job, James!"_

"_At-a-boy, Potter! You showed that scum how a REAL team does it!"_

"_That was one hell of a match, man!"_

"_Hey Lily, looking beautiful as usual!"_

I escort Marlene to a spot near the window and turn to watch the scene unfold. I hear Lily giggle excitedly as James looks down at her with a broad grin on his face. And for the moment, despite the crowd of people gathered around them, I know they can only see each other. She's far from being his trophy girl. He wouldn't dare treat her as such and he makes sure that everyone else understands this. His arm never leaving her waist and the affection he displays in his eyes is assurance of his love for her.

The crowd can't seem to get enough of them. Gryffindor's proverbial Golden Boy and Girl, the centerpiece of the party. Every one wants a piece of them, to talk to them and get their opinions on everything.

And suddenly, I feel that recurring sensation gnaw at my heart.

**Jealousy.**

Gryffindor's flawless King & Queen take their throne once again.


	3. 2: The Only Thing

**Disclaimer**: Pssh...I wish.

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EXCEPTION TO THE RULE  
**Chapter 2: The Only Thing**

**_James' POV_**

**November 5, 1976 **

"Anybody ever told you how sexy you look in a Quidditch uniform?"

My arms are envelope her waist from behind as I whisper in her ear and I absorb the feeling of completeness, the feeling I only get when I'm with her. Hearing her giggle from my contact instantly brings a smile to my face.

"I've had a few people tell me," She says as she revolves around in my arms and places a kiss on the tip of my nose, "but I love hearing it from you."

"So...do you like?"

A gargantuan smile lights up her entire face. That would be a 'yes'.

"Why wouldn't I? I'm still shocked that you did it. I mean I knew you were serious about us, but damn!" She exclaims and I laugh then kiss her smooth cheek.

She spins around once again and stretched out the back of the jersey so I can read it clearly.

**Future Mrs. Potter.**

What she doesn't know is that after I got it through owl and ripped opened the package, I spent a good 15 minutes reading those three words repeatedly like a mantra.

She turns to face me again, flinging her arms around my chest and pressing her ear over my heart. "It's perfect," she whispers into the cloth of my black school robe.

"Of course it is, look who's wearing it."

Looking down, I see pink faintly rising in her pale cheeks. I'm pretty confident that it has nothing to do with the cold and I love it knowing I'm the cause of it. If sweet-talking her meant her cheeks would have that rosy color forever, I would do it until the end of my days.

"This is going to show all those nay Sayers a thing or two, eh?"

I examine those beautiful pools of green. She's worried, but she tries to hide it behind the poised mask she's created as a defense mechanism. Lily has always had a thick skin, but she can never fool me. She never has.

Our relationship has been nothing short of perfect. Most had wanted us to get together long before we actually did (myself included). For the first five years of knowing one another, she abhorred me. If I wasn't transfiguring her flower into a slug during first year, I was asking her out non-stop fifth. But in sixth year, everything changed. We became fast friends and a few weeks into the school year, I asked her out one last time.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Again, most approved of our relationship. As far as I know, all of the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff students had no objections whereas a few Ravenclaws opposed. But by far, the strongest enmity towards our courtship came from Slytherin

Slytherins, being obsessed with maintaining the pureblood lines, thought it a great offense on my part to be associated with—let alone _dating_—a muggleborn. As a result, I was deemed a 'blood traitor' and the jeers of the filthy word 'mudblood' rang throughout the hallways more than ever. Sirius and I would immediately hunt down the culprit and…well…'take care' of the situation. No one should be called that name, especially not Lily. And she won't be called that as long as I'm around.

It's junctures like these that I cherish the most. The quiet, peaceful moments where we can get lost in each other's eyes and shut out the prejudices of the world. There are no harsh words, no condemnation. Just us.

Unfortunately, our time together will only be shared in letterform for the next two days.

Lily's sister is getting married this weekend and Lily (much to her displeasure) must depart from Hogwarts via Floo Network in Dumbledore's office. Despite both Lily and Petunia's opposition of the idea, Lily was practically forced to become a bridesmaid by her mother.

Apparently the small problem that Petunia despised Lily would not interfere at all.

Right...

"I guess I need to get going. They're kind of expecting me home for luncheon. I love you and I'll see you Sunday. I know it will be hard, but do try to behave yourself while I'm gone." She says as she hoists her purse higher up on her shoulder, gives me a long kiss, and walks out of the portrait hole. I don't even bother with trying to hold back a sigh.

"You miss her already, don't you?"

I turn around swiftly to see Sirius behind me, hands in the pockets of his dark jeans. Laughing more to myself than him, I move my eyes to the floor.

"Yeah. I guess it's sort of extreme. We're not even out of school where we see each other every day, especially since we're Heads, and I'm following her around like a lovesick puppy. Kind of pathetic, isn't it?"

My head rises in time to see him smile and shake his head, sending his thick black hair tumbling in every direction.

"When you're in love, it isn't."

"You don't know how much she means to me, Padfoot. I can't put it into words."

"And you don't have to…I already know. Actions speak louder than words."

"I know but it runs so much deeper than that. I mean, I sit with her every morning in the Great Hall, have her in every class, and share a whole fucking private dorm with her…and I **still** can't get enough. When she's gone, it doesn't matter if it's for a one minute or one day, I feel incomplete. I'm just not whole without her."

Sirius stares back at my face intently with an incomprehensible expression.

"I envy you, mate. I wish I knew how that felt." He smiles sadly and strides into the Gryffindor boys' dorm. My eyes and feet follow him as he stands in front of the mirror on the dresser, leaning on the palms of his hands that are planted a good distance apart.

"So I guess that leaves me to ask you one thing. Where's Marlene?" I ask as I walk over to my bed, pick up a dirty shirt lying at the foot, and toss it carelessly on the ground before plopping down.

"Probably with the girls in their dorm," he says quietly, then resumes, "She's found her motive of the week to be pissed at me. Can't say I blame her. I might have been too if the roles were reversed."

"What happened?"

He releases a sordid laugh and looks at me at long last.

"My cousin Andromeda…you remember her, don't you? The only **_sane_** one out of that bunch?" I nod my head yes, "Well, she decided to stop by the other day. I passed her in the halls as she was coming from Dumbledore's office. Apparently they were catching up on something, she didn't really say what it was. Anyway, we went for a walk around the grounds and bumped into Marlene.

I explained to Marlene that she was my cousin Andy, the only one I write to each week. Marlene smiled at her and shook her hand, saying she'd heard a lot about her. Andy just looked at her and asked her who she was. Marlene told her that she was my girlfriend and Andy said I hadn't mentioned her in any of the letters."

"_Ouch_. Why didn't you?"

"You want the awful truth? I forgot. I know, it sounds like another one of my poor excuses and a horrible one at that, but I swear on Merlin's sword it's the truth. She didn't even enter my mind while I wrote them. Not once. Hell, she doesn't enter my mind very often at **all** these days."

Instead of staring at his own reflection, he looks at mine from where I'm lying on the bed.

"It didn't help when she and Lily got to talking about your family, how welcomed they made her feel when they met. All the stories they'd tell about you coming home for the summer and swooning over this feisty little redhead from school. Yeah, that definitely didn't improve things, but what could I do? I apologized but she still isn't talking to me."

"Things haven't been great for awhile now, have they?" I ask as he cocks his head to the side.

"No, they haven't. There's no spark. Sometimes I think I love her, other times I'm not so sure. I think I do really love the girl…I'm just not _in_ love with her. You know what I'm getting at? When she's gone, I don't feel incomplete."

I can see the cogs working in his head and I wait for whatever might come out as the result.

"Can I ask you something?"

"You know you can. Besides, even if I said no, you'd probably ask it anyway." He chuckled before returning to his somber state again.

"When did you know you were in love with Lily?"

I rake a hand through my hair as I mull over what I want to say.

"My gut instinct tells me it was the first time I saw her at Kings Cross. I think I've loved her since we were green eleven year olds…but I think the realization hit me like a ton of bricks in fifth year."

"Fifth year? Wow, even back then. Those were troublesome times, man…" We share a laugh, briefly recalling all the wilder times, and he nods his head for me to carry on.

"It was when she told me she hated me." He looks at me incredulously and I hold up my hand, signaling that there's more to be said.

"I considered myself to be a big shot on campus. Next to you of course," he smirks, "I had all of these people coming up to me and practically kissing me feet, willing to iron my clothes, and girls throwing their bodies at me like it was the last thing they'd ever get to do. I, as you very well know, indulged in this automatic royalty that comes with bearing the Potter surname. So when she told me she hated me, I was surprised to say the least. Not only surprised by her words, but surprised that I found her attractive even when she was barreling insult after insult in my direction.

"Then by the end of the year…after that whole incident…I really got to thinking. No one bothered to tell me to slow down. No one cared enough to tell me I should focus more on my grades than quidditch. No one except Lily. Only she used a more…erm…colorful means of expression.

"She was the one who made me see things in the long term. I could party all I wanted, fuck around all I wanted, and in the end I would have nothing. I would be a lonely bastard left to drown in money that wasn't even earned by my own two hands. She changed my life, Sirius. She makes me want to do something more, something with a real purpose. She makes me want to be a better human being. It didn't matter that she hated me at the time. I was in it for the long haul. I would've never given up on her no matter how many times she insisted that I didn't stand a chance because I knew she was worth it. All of it."

Sirius' head bows as a slow smile creeps onto his face.

"Like I told you before, I can't even put it into words what I feel about that girl. She's the adrenaline I get from riding my broom high speed and the thrill from pulling off an awesome prank all rolled into one. I could be stripped of this god-like status tomorrow and I wouldn't care as long as I still had her by my side. That's what love is."

Breaking my eyes away from Sirius, I examine the picture by my nightstand.

Marlene had taken the picture with Lily's muggle camera after Sirius' 17th birthday party had ended. After the people left and we'd managed to accomplish a bit of cleaning (the most we could do while slightly intoxicated), Lily and I had fallen asleep in each others arms on the couch. Her head was tucked underneath my chin and my arms were holding her child-like form protectively. It's a simple photograph with no magic except what exists between the two of us. It's my favorite picture to date.

I turn back to Sirius to find him watching me intently, no longer using the mirror.

"You can take away quidditch. You can take away my inheritance. You can take anything I own from my life and I wouldn't care as long as you didn't take her."

I can feel my heart skip a beat as the real meaning my words hit home.

"She's not just everything, Sirius. She's the only thing."

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**A/N**: And there you have it! This chapter is for all of my fellow saps out there :) But don't get too content...it won't all be sunshine and daises for long. 

As you can see, I didn't give a lot of further information about Sirius, just mainly his status with Marlene. Obviously this story is an L/J story and will be mostly from James' and Lily's side of things, but Sirius plays a big role…a **huge** role in it whether the POV's are from him or not. I'll finish with this: you will definitely be seeing more of Sirius. Maybe not in the next couple of chapters because they serve another purpose, but rest assured that he is _far_ from staying in the shadows.

So now that I'm heading off for some R&R, I hope you'll be nice and give me a different kind :) And I've been meaning to ask: what do _**you**_ think is in the envelope? A letter? A Christmas card? A check for a million $? Well...I really doubt that last one (especially considering that they use Galleons), but oh well. A guess is a guess, right? Tell me what you think!

**Next Chapter**: Lily reflects, Sirius comforts, and a new level of love is reached.


	4. 3: My All

**A/N: **By far my longest chapter to date (about 11 or 12 pages in Word). I considered splitting it up, but I didn't really favor the idea of having two consecutive chapters for Lily. I think it would throw me off course a bit.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter and unfortunately, I never will.

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed Chapter 2, many hugs and kisses to all of you! **

And without further ado…

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EXCEPTION TO THE RULE  
**Chapter 3**: My All

_**Lily's POV**_

**November 6, 1976  
Saturday**

"My parents don't wear their wedding bands anymore."

I observe my sister and her now husband Vernon Dursley (his hefty physique is the total opposite of lanky Petunia) as they slow dance to the music.

My voice catches my childhood friend, Samantha Wilkins, by surprise as she sits in the fold-out metal chair beside me. Our friendship stemmed from being next-door neighbors and eventually classmates.

Unfortunately, when I got my letter from Hogwarts that fateful day in July six years ago, our friendship was put to the ultimate test. Though many miles of concrete road and rolling hills have kept us separate, we still manage to keep up with one another's lives.

And of course, she knows I'm a witch. She's the only muggle (outside of my family) that knows my little secret. I've also given her the full details on my relationship with James. She knows I love him, but I don't think she realizes how strongly.

"What are you talking about, Lil?" Her bright brown eyes are wide with confusion. She's pondering my previous announcement as she watches me shuffle restlessly in my chair.

"They don't wear their rings, "I repeat, averting my eyes from hers, "Does that mean their love is fading?"

Samantha's brow furrowed and she looked across the dance floor towards my parents who were passing jokes with a family friend.

"No, I don't think so. Rings are just a public symbol of love and dedication and blah, blah, blah. They don't come near to representing all of it. They were in love before they got married and they didn't have rings then. I think it's more of a state of comfort with each other. They don't have to wear the bands to show that they're in love." She cleverly points out and her suspicious eyes do an inspection of my face.

"That's exactly what I think," I respond in confirmation. I'm well aware that she is more confused now than ever before, but all of this was said more for myself than as a question for her. She just chose to answer it.

"Lily, what's going on? Are your parents talking about a divorce?"

"Oh God no," I cut in, "It's just…it's not all about the material things, right? It's about what you feel in here." My hand hovers just above my heart.

Her expression is clueless and I can't contain my laughter; she's looking at me like I've grown a second head.

"Don't mind me, Sam. I just have a lot of thoughts running around up here and I'm trying to make sense of it all."

She's been around me long enough to know that it's no use pursuing the topic any further, so she shakes her head and watches the crowd on the dance floor.

"So where's this James you brag so much about, anyway? Shouldn't he be here for an occasion such as this? By the way you talk about him and that pretty little ring on your hand, he'll probably be apart of your family soon anyway."

I know I'm blushing furiously, a curse that comes with being a natural born redhead. Upon seeing my face turn the shade of a well-ripened tomato, Samantha's thunderous laugh earns us a couple of glares from my great-aunts Peggy and Ethel.

"Did you honestly think putting the ring on the other hand would keep it a secret, especially from _me_? And here I was thinking you knew me so well…" She drawled and I rolled my eyes.

"He's not here because he's the Head Boy. Someone has to be in charge of the Prefect meeting this weekend and it wouldn't do for both of us to be absent. And I'm not really trying to hide it. I'm not sure if mum and dad are ready to see it on that finger just yet. His parents are surprisingly fine with it, but mine…well, they've only met James about four times and I don't think they believe we're that serious. I really want to break it to them when I know they really understand that this is not some passing thing."

I look down at the small ring on my right hand. As my fingers start to rotate it, my mind drifts back to the day he slipped it on.

_With my luggage in tow, I use all of my strength to pull myself onto the Hogwarts Express for my final year at the school, the place I've called home for the past six years of my life. _

_As soon as I find an empty compartment, strong arms snake around my hips my shoulder supports a head. _

"_Do you know what today is?"_

_I twist to face my captor and find myself looking into the James' warm hazel eyes. _

_"Well, it's September 1st, if that's what you mean." I say, noticeably bemused. _

_He only laughs softly as he takes my hand and leads me further into the compartment. My hands are still folded with his as we sit close together by the window._

"_Today's our anniversary."_

_I'm definitely lost now. _

"_Baby, our anniversary isn't until November."_

_"I didn't say it was the __**official**__ anniversary, just an anniversary."_

_I'm trying to recall the significance of the day. James only stares at me, his eyes shining like diamonds and a half-grin spreading across hi handsome face._

"_I can't think of it. So…what'll it be?"_

_His warm hands grasp mine and his eyes lock on our joined hands. _

_"Six years ago today, my world was changed. I just didn't know how much."_

_He lifts his head and stares straight into my eyes. I see my reflection along with something else…love. _

"_It was on this very day, on this same old train, that I met a little redheaded girl who would play such an important role in my life. Lily, today is the anniversary of the day I met you."_

_Tears threaten to fall as his thumb rubs over the top of my left hand. _

"_I didn't recognize the feeling then. I was an immature little bugger, that's for sure," we both laughed, mine through tears, "But I recognize it now. Since that day, I've loved you. I love everything about you. All of your crazy quirks, your temper, your beauty your ability to put others before you…those things make you who you are. You've become a permanent fixture in my life and in my heart."_

_He removes his hand, much to my disappointment, and reaches into the pocket of his robes. _

"_Even when you told me time after time that I was the last person you would ever date, I still loved you. Even when we became friends and you told me that was all you were ready for, I loved you. And now that we're together, I love you more than ever. That's why I bought these."_

_When he withdraws his hand from his pocket, I see a maroon box in his palm. He opens it, uncovering two silver rings with jewels surrounding their exteriors. He removes the smaller ring, lifts my right hand, and glides it smoothly onto my ring finger. I follow his lead and take the residual ring from the box and slip it onto his._

_He inhales deeply and takes a quick look at me with his glazed eyes. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the shadows of about four people fall across the compartment door and I hear the handle turn._

_James is also aware of this and lowers his voice._

"_I know it's not much but it's the best I can do for now. One day, I'm going to move this ring to your other hand." He manages to get the words out in time as Sirius, Marlene, Remus, and Peter enter the compartment. James' pulls me to him to allow Remus to sit down. And for the whole ride I'm lost in a swirl of a brown, gold, and green, but I can feel someone else staring at me; someone whose eyes do not possess the tenderness of James'._

_Sirius._

"Lily. Lily? Earth to Lily!"

Samantha's aggravated tone of voice draws me from my trance. "Hmm…what?"

"Where'd you go? I felt like I was talking to a wall or something."

I don't reply but glance down at my bridesmaids' gown to hide the heat growing in my cheeks.

"I was asking you when you had to go back to school. I'd love to do something before you left, for old time's sake. I miss you so much Lil, it's not even funny. Do you know how hard it is to look out my bedroom window to see your blinds closed and curtains pulled? I miss our late night window-sill conversations."

"I know. I miss those. I miss you. Sometimes, for reasons like this, I wish my school wasn't so far away. Other times, like when Petunia visits, I'm thankful that it's in another country. I miss out on so much, though. I feel like while I'm gaining a life in this new world, I'm suffocating my old one consequently. But yes, we will definitely have to do something before I leave, which is tomorrow." I say as I look down at my ring once again.

Maybe tonight I would be reunited with the old Lily again, the Lily who was progressively dying with each cast of a spell and the brewing of a potion.

Maybe tonight I could forget about the vicious blood wars of the magical world and just be a young muggle girl again.

**November 7, 1976  
Sunday Evening: Return to Hogwarts**

Last night was one of the few occasions in recent years when I felt alone.

Alone in a world that I once belonged to.

I watched the people I had grown up with since birth and I realized how much I'd truly missed. I didn't recognize these young adults branded with familiar names.

Roselyn McDaniel—the tomboy who detested the sight of boys—was wearing mini skirts and tons of make up, painting her nails every night, and flirting with every boy within viewing range.

Richard Olsten—the scrawny boy with tape overlapping the bridge of his glasses and a book constantly under his nose—was so very handsome, his immaculate specs framing his face perfectly. On his arm was a busty blonde that was unbelievably gorgeous. She made every other girl (including myself) wilt like flowers in her presence. Who knew 'Little Ricky' would grow up to be a ladies man?

And Darren Bowen—my childhood crush—was no longer the cute, innocent little boy that I'd adored. He was good-looking in the rugged sense with his shaggy brown hair falling into his eyes (reminding me of one Sirius Black) and piercing blue eyes. I learned that he'd had many rows with the law His demeanor was cold and he had developed the nasty habit of smoking pot.

It was never until I saw all of these people from my past, listened to them chat mindlessly about which football team was better and who was dating who, that it really hit me. The muggle world is no longer my habitat. Time changes all things in both positive _and_ negative ways. And even though my trip home made me understand that concept in a poignant way, I think it was good for me.

But now I'm back within the safe boundaries of Hogwarts, the place that turned my 'normal' life upside down. Although I do not always feel welcomed here because of the bloodline bigotry, it is my home.

Home is where the heart is and my heart is somewhere on these magical grounds right now.

I've missed him so much. I never thought I'd be the type of girl that couldn't be without their boyfriend's affection for one day. As it turns out, I am, and the agony of a single day spent without his presence is nothing compared to two.

And now that I'm back and unpacked, I'm sitting in the empty Gryffindor common room where I've been for the past thirty minutes, sorting through my thoughts and fears.

Tonight, I will make up for the time I lost with James.

**Alone.**

Just the two of us.

No Sirius. No Remus. No Peter. No Marlene.

Just us.

And as I let that thought soak in, I can feel myself quivering at the thought.

Taking a brief peek at my watch, I see that it's already six o'clock. James is somewhere around here and a chill runs its course down my spine at the thought. In my last owl to him, I didn't specify what time I would be in so it would be a surprise.

Out of the blue, a cold hand clutches my shoulder and I jump nearly a foot out of my chair before I turn around to face the perpetrator.

One very disheveled Sirius Black.

"Hey, glad to see you're back. Did the wedding go smoothly?" He asks as he pulls up a chair next to mine.

"Uh, yeah, considering whom it was that got married. Have you seen James?"

Sirius' gray eyes bore into mine and I suddenly felt very self-conscious. Aside from James, Sirius is my best guy friend, my older brother with a reckless streak. I used to think of him as nothing more than a foolish troublemaker and the aloof heartbreaker of Hogwarts. But when I gave James a chance, it was only fair that I gave his best friend one as well. Since then, we've developed a bond and I know I can depend on him for anything.

If someone had told me two years ago that I would be madly in love with James Potter and referring to his best friend as a sibling, I would've told them to check into St. Mungo's. It's odd how life works sometimes.

As soon as his eyes are done probing my face for clues he asks, "Yeah, he's down at the quidditch pitch doing a few extra laps. My guess is he's trying to take his mind off your absence. Said he'd be down there until seven or a little after. Why? Something wrong?" with a genuinely concerned expression. How could I not smile?

"No, nothing's wrong. Quite the reverse, really."

He mutters 'okay', but I can tell he's not buying into my words for a single minute. He's always had a skill for uncovering the truth in people, no matter how cool the façade.

"How's Marlene?"

Upon seeing his face grow dim, I instantly regret bringing up that subject matter as a conversation starter.

"I really haven't talked to her, actually. She's made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me. Things are still pretty tense between us. It's been pretty much the same since you left Friday, no progress."

"I'm sorry, Sirius, I didn't know. James never mentioned anything about it in his letters. Is there anything you want me to do or say?"

A few minutes of silence pass between us as I watch him deliberately dodge my stare. After what feels like an eternity, he averts his eyes to mine and gives me a half-hearted smile.

"No, it'll be all right. What's meant to happen will happen. Besides, your mind is already preoccupied with something. Penny for your thoughts?"

I give out a small, timid chuckle and stand up to walk over to the window. He knows me far too well for my own good.

"It's strange having a conversation like this with you, but I have my gut feeling is telling me you're the right person to discuss this with."

My back is to him, but I can tell he's eyeing me attentively. Inhaling as much air as my lungs can hold, I prepare myself for the words that I'm about to say next as I turn and my eyes meet his.

"I think I'm ready to give myself to James."

A range of emotions passes over his face.

Surprise, happiness, and…sadness?

Without saying a word, he nods his head.

"I've been thinking about this for awhile now. We've only been dating for about a year now, but I know this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I've thought this through and…I think it's time. It just feels right."

Those concerned gray eyes are still trained on my face.

"This is such a big step for you. It's irreversible and when it's done, it's done. Are you sure, without a doubt, that you're ready?"

"I am, Si."

"So, where are these nerves coming from? I get that it will be your first time, but you know he would never—"

"Of course I know, don't be ridiculous," he chuckles, still looking at me, "It's just…what if I-I don't, you know, match his expectations? I'm a virgin, I don't exactly have experience in this area whereas he…"

I hear him move from the chair and walk towards me, taking my hand and rubbing it soothingly with his own.

"Lillian, listen carefully. I happen to know that it won't matter how 'bad' you think you are at anything, James only sees you as perfect. What you two have is something stronger than any of those flings in his past. I know that and you should too, by now. He loves you, he tells me every day. He will love you all the same."

He pulls me into his warm embrace and I murmur, "Thanks so much, Si. I love you. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah," he begins as he walks toward the portrait hole, "You're the only one right now."

I follow him to the exit and watch as he steps out, holding the edge of the portrait so we can still talk.

"So, tonight?" I give him a shy smile and nod.

"I expect he'll be on cloud nine tomorrow and glued to your side. But really, don't worry about a thing, Lil. It will go fine."

He looks at me one last time before he turns to walk down the corridor. All at once, I am bombarded with inspiration.

"Sirius…can you do me a couple of favors?"

If my idea works out as planned, tonight will be one that neither James nor I will ever forget.

An hour later, I was under the willow tree by the lake with James' two-way mirror clutched in one hand and a narrow strip of fabric in the other. I was shivering from the chilly November wind and I'm almost certain that I will die of pneumonia before he even began the search.

Just to make sure everything was going to plan, I requested that Sirius follow James underneath the invisibility cloak and carry the other mirror so I could see what was going on. Sure enough, I could see James' figure approaching the changing room.

My eager eyes followed every inch him as he walked in, tossed his gear aside and removed the shirt drenched in sweat. The rays of the setting sun stream over his glistening abs and biceps, making him look ethereal with every move he made.

It isn't until he steps out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his waist, that he notices something lying on the bench beside his fresh stack of clothes. He lifts the red rose first and then the card, beaming when he notices that it's in my lettering.

_What was the first song we ever danced to?_

His attention then shifted to the envelopes, reading each one and pausing to think.

"_**Something In The Way She Moves**__" or "__**Wonderful Tonight**__"?_

He picks up the 'Something In The Way She Moves' envelope and the corners of my mouth stretch into a grin, even more so when I see him murmuring the words to himself as he reads.

'_**Something in the way you move,  
That looks my way and calls my name…**_

_Want to find me? Go to the kitchens.'_

It takes him a couple of minutes, but when he and an undercover Sirius enter the kitchens, he scans the room for the next clue. A tiny house elf approaches him bearing exactly what he's looking for.

"Mr. Potter, sir? Ms. Evans asked Minnie to give these to you, sir."

A frail brown hand extends to give him the small bundle and he gratefully accepted, bowing to the dumpy elf. She scurried off to another room, ears bright red and eyes wide with embarrassment. Merlin, the guy can even charm house elves.

'_Where did we go on our first real date __**outside**__ of the school_?

_**Mordecai's**__or__** La Notte Stellata**__?'_

A giggle leaks from my mouth as he selects 'La Notte Stellata'.

_**It certainly was a starry night…**_

_You're getting closer!_

_Go to the Head Dorms._

His long legs jog the entire way and I thank Merlin that Sirius is equally athletic. When he reaches the portrait and jumps through, the invisibility cloak covering Sirius gets stuck. Luckily, through his excitement, James never takes notice of Sirius yanking the cloak through the door. Instead, he eagerly raises the card that was placed on our coffee table.

_Do you remember where you first told me you loved me?_

**You'll find me there.**

As soon as he reads the card, it transfigures into a branch from the willow tree I'm currently underneath. It takes him no time to recognize it and a grin glides over his perfect lips. He makes his way out of the dorm and races down the moving staircases, through the Great Hall, and approaches the large double doors.

I glance at the mirror in my hand and give Sirius a 'thank you' to let him know his work was done. He just sends me a weak smile and his handsome face disappears from the cool surface, my own foggy reflection taking its place. I can see the James' fit outline headed for me in the distance.

"Lil," he says, now just a few meager steps in front of me, his questioning eyes looking down at the blindfold in my hands.

Without a sound, I walk over to him, tie the blindfold around him snugly, and grab his calloused hand with my silky-smooth one. Together, we walk back into the castle and I lead him to the seventh floor, past the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy, and we're standing before what appears to be just a stonewall.

"Now, can you answer my question?" I whisper my question into his ear, feeling him quiver under my fingertips as my breath makes contact with his bare flesh.

"Where I first told you that I loved you?" he asks as he turns around and pulls me to him, blindfolded still in place, "It was the night you came back from your grandmother's funeral. You were wearing a black dress, your make up was smudged from all of the tears, and you couldn't stop crying because of the awful way Petunia had treated you that day." I smile to myself as he recited the events of that night, his hand inching up and down my spine.

"It was late in the evening, much like it is now, and we went for a walk down by the Black lake. We were the only two out on the grounds that night. While we were sitting underneath this tree, you told me it felt like we were the only two people that existed in the world."

His hand covers mine like a blanket and I press my lips to his for a sweet kiss.

"I can't even begin to describe how beautiful you looked that night. The moonlight made you glow like a goddess. There was something so serene about all of it; the way we clung to each other under the branches of the tree, the moon and stars provided our only light, and the lake was so still that it mirrored the sky perfectly. Somehow, those three words just came out. They felt so effortless when I spoke them to you," said James as he brought a hand up to stroke my cheek.

"The way you looked at me after I said it…I'll never forget those eyes, ever. I don't want to. I knew right away that you were the one."

I can't wipe the silly smile on my face as I take a step back from him and close my eyes. Back and forth I pace until the door to the Room of Requirement appears after the third stride.

With his hand grasped firmly in mine, I lead him into the room.

I gasp at the sight before me.

Even though I had created this room myself, I was still amazed at the beauty. The ceiling was charmed to resemble the night sky, much like the one in the Great Hall.

While there was no lake or willow tree, vines of ivy crept up the walls of stone and curled around fixtures. Orchids bloomed from the vines and sparkled like the stars above us. Diagonal from us was the bed, decked with silk sheets of green and pale gold.

It was way more than I had dreamed it would be.

My hands reach behind James' head and untie the blindfold, allowing it to fall to the floor.

"That was the correct answer," I say as I pull the last card from my jacket pocket, "take this."

He opens the envelope with ease and quietly reads.

'_You've already captured my heart and soul, and now I want to give you my body. Tonight is for us. Tonight I will give you my all.'_

_**I love you…'**_

"Lily," his voice is so soft and gentle, but I can hear hints of hesitation and surprise. And when he looks at me, I can read it in his eyes as well. I grab his hands and take a deep inhale of air, gathering strength for what I'm about to say and do.

"James, before you say anything, I want to let you know that I've thought this through. I've been thinking about it for some time now and I know that I want you, all of you, and that I love you. I don't need a marriage certificate to tell me that. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you. I know what's in my heart and nothing else matters."

He looks up at me as I place his hand over my heart.

"You are the love of my life, the only person who will ever make me feel so complete. I've loved you in the past, I love you now, and I will love you until I can breathe no more."

Tears flow like rivers down both of our faces as the love we share reflects in our eyes.

"I'm ready for this. I'm ready for you. I want to feel you, touch you, and be one with you."

His face is tear-streaked as he brings both hands to cup either side of my face.

"I want you to be absolutely certain, no regrets. I don't care how long it takes. I love you. I'll wait forever if you need me to." He cloaks me in a strong embrace and my lips brush past his cheek to reach his ear.

"I'm sure, James. I want you to be the first and last person to make love to me."

Those muscular arms of his carry me to the bed, our locked eyes never faltering. His back bends to lay me down tenderly and my heart is racing. He's always been such a gentleman.

Instead of joining me on the bed, he remains standing above me. Bringing his right hand to cup my face, he kneels in front of me and whispers, "Don't be afraid, love. I would never do anything to hurt you."

He drops his head to look at the floor but quickly raises it to look me in the eye, fresh tears threatening to fall.

"I'm no saint, Lil. I need you to know that this is not just sex to me. What I've done before won't even come close. You will be the first person I've ever made love to and the only person I will ever make love to."

And underneath the stars, so similar to the night he first uttered those three little words that changed my life, we became one. No longer are we Lily Evans and James Potter, but two lovers united.

A part of each other's minds, bodies, and souls for eternity.

* * *

**Sneak Peek at the Next Chapter:**

"_Because there's an underlying reason why she guarded that gift with a lock and key. A reason that very few know about. _

_A reason that makes my blood run cold when I think about it. _

_The same reason that almost led to the Marauders expulsion from Hogwarts and more than likely, me to Azkaban._

_I browse through a few more pages of the book and they have similar details jotted down on every corner. _

_I'm about to close the book when something on one of the last pages catches my eye._

_A set of initials is traced in a bold, elegant handwriting that's so different from Snape's usual chicken scratch._

_The same initials that I've seen etched on my best friends papers since our first year._

'_**L.E.'**_

* * *

**A/N**: I know that after this chapter, a lot of you might be thinking, "where's the Sirius from the prologue?" and/or "is Sirius in love with Lily?" I'll answer the last question first: no, Sirius and Lily will not be having a romantic relationship (sorry to all you Sirius/Lily fans out there, but I just can't do that to James). I think it's pretty obvious that both James and Lily are head over heels for one another. Sirius is more of the big brother who just happens to be envious of their relationship.

To answer the first question, I'll tell you this: since the Prologue was taken from a chapter that has yet to be released, this Sirius you're reading about now is leading up to that one. His personality doesn't just change overnight; it comes as a result of a sequence of events. Small hops that lead to the big jump. So this supportive Sirius you're seeing right now is quite different from the desperate man you'll see in the chapters to come.

I do hope you enjoyed this chapter and please review! Sorry if parts of this chapter are distorted... is not being very responsive to some of the formats I had and I've had to upload this document about 3 or 4 times now.


	5. 4: Asking Too Much

**A/N: **Another long chapter. This one brings on some very interesting details. (wiggles eyebrows) Please, don't be cruel…**review after reading**!

**Disclaimer**: You know the drill.

Thanks to all of you for taking time to review. It feels awesome to even get two reviews, but when I see all of these, I feel elated and it gives me motivation to work on the next chapter immediately. Again, big thanks to all of you and I hope you continue to review!

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE  
**Chapter 4**: Asking Too Much

_**James' POV**_

**November 8, 1976  
Monday**

She takes my breath away.

She does it when she takes me places I never knew existed. She does it when she makes me feel things I've never felt before. She does it when she loves me greater than I've ever been loved by anyone before.

And last night, she took it away again.

Every touch of skin, every kiss on the lips, everything she did blew me away.

I never understood what people meant when they said there was a difference between sex and making love. Now, I understand entirely.

I've been with many girls, something I'm not proud of. But none of them—not one of them—could compare to the woman I held in my arms last night. None had the capability to make me feel this exalted.

Making love to Lily was the single most powerful, most passionate experience of my life.

And while I'm looking down at the angelic face resting on my bare chest, I realize the magnitude of the previous night.

Lily has always been hesitant to trust people, me in particular. Her virginity was something she cherished. It's a gift that goes beyond a physical connection.

Last night, that gift was given to me.

If I had any lingering questions about the extent of her feelings for me, they were answered. She gave me everything she had and I know how truly challenging that was for her. Because there's an underlying reason why she guarded that gift with a lock and key. A reason that very few know about.

A reason that makes my blood run cold when I think about it.

The same reason that almost led to the Marauders expulsion from Hogwarts and more than likely, me to Azkaban.

My hand gently brushes away the auburn hair from her eyes as she snuggles against my chest in her sleep, and I can feel the tears stinging my eyes and the words caged in my heart start to spill.

"I'm still trying to figure out what I did to be worthy of you, Lil," I say as my fingers sketch her high cheekbones, "But I promise that you'll always be my number one priority."

I feel her stirring in my hold and when I look down, she's staring straight at me.

"Thank you." She smiles and pulls the sheet to cover her chest, allowing her bare back to show.

"I was nervous. Not because I thought you'd hurt me, I'm just new at this. But a good friend helped me through it."

Bending down to kiss her shoulder, I mutter, "You were perfect. And who's this good friend you speak of?"

"Sirius," she replies in breathless anticipation when my lips graze the rim of her ear.

"I'll be sure to thank him for that."

"James, we have class in two hours."

"Two hours," I whisper, now assaulting her pulse point.

"Plenty of time."

* * *

"Things went well last night, I take it?" Sirius asked and a smile immediately stretches over my face.

"The greatest night of my life, Padfoot. Greatest night of my life."

I look around and see Lily talking to Remus at their table.

"Now that you mentioned it, I wanted to say thank you."

"For what?"

"Lily told me that the two of you had a talk. I can't put in words how much I appreciate you helping her. You know it's been a hard road since..."

He shakes his head and follows my stare to Lily, the girl he refers to as his little sister.

"She knew what she was doing, I just told her the truth and helped her a little."

"Yeah, well, thanks. It really means a lot to me that she has someone like you to be there for her when I can't be."

He smiles as Lily, Remus, and Peter walk over to us.

"No problem, Prongs."

He gives me one last look before following Remus and Peter out the classroom. I'm behind waiting patiently for Lily as she assembles her books in her bag. When she turns, my elbow is extended for her to accept and I quickly adopt the air of a faux French gentleman.

"Are you ready, mademoiselle?"

"But of course," She says confidently and links to her arm through mine.

People are grinning and greeting us warmly as we pass by; it's almost like we're celebrities. Lily, slightly embarrassed by the amount of attention, gives them all a friendly smile (albeit, forced) and draws a little closer to me.

Within minutes, we have fallen behind the three ahead of us, held back by the amount of traffic blocking our paths. I strain my neck to find the others and my eyes land on Sirius'.

Those hardened steel orbs are staring straight back at me.

His jaw is severely clenched and his body is rigid. Eventually, his head motions to the side for me to get a move on and join them.

Looking over at Lily, I see that she has stopped to talk to some girl from Ravenclaw. Gently, I make a gesture for her to follow me by tugging on her arm.

We finally catch up to the other three just before we enter the Great Hall and Sirius moves to my side.

"Nice to see you've joined us."

Bewildered by the rapid change in his demeanor, I give him an odd look before turning to Lily and bending down next to her ear.

"Would you go check on Marlene? She and Sirius are still off and she's looking a little down right now. We could invite her to sit with us, but I doubt she would accept. Just make sure she's all right?"

Her expression is unreadable at first, but then she looks down the table at an isolated Marlene and nods. Leaning in to kiss my cheek, she says, "I'll see you in a few minutes." I can't help but watch her every move protectively as she walks down to the end of the table and then finally face my friends.

No one speaks for a few minutes, the exception being the occasional conversation with a passing friend or a request to circulate the food.

When Peter asks me to pass the potatoes for the third time, I break.

"Are you all right?" I ask Sirius, who has his fork midway to his mouth. Upon hearing my question, he slowly lowers it down to his plate.

Obviously forcing a smile, he responds, "Yeah, I'm okay," and lifts the fork again.

I've known Sirius since we were 11, therefore I can read him like a book. I can tell you that right now, he is anything but 'okay'.

* * *

**November 9, 1976  
Tuesday**

I'm not sure who plagued my mind more last night as I feigned sleep: the woman I love or my troubled best friend.

My mind just won't let it die. His attitude from yesterday bothers me. In the time that Sirius and I have known each other, I have never seen him like this.

I've never seen him look at _me_ like that.

"What's on your mind?"

Lily's small arms snake around my middle and she leans into my back. Revolving in her embrace, I hug her against me.

"Sirius. You didn't happen to notice anything wrong with him yesterday, did you?"

She scrunches her forehead while trying to remember, then replies, "He seemed a little distant, but I didn't really think anything of it."

"I just…I have a feeling that something's off."

She nods and recedes a couple of inches to look at me.

"Go talk to him. And I mean _really_ talk to him, preferably when you're alone."

"I might just do that."

"But really, James, don't think on it too hard," she tells me as she takes a seat in a chair and slings one leg over the other, "It's probably nothing. Or maybe it has something to do with Marlene. I tried to talk to her yesterday, but she wasn't saying much."

I pull up a chair opposite her and lean back into the firm cushion.

"You're probably right, as usual, but I'm still giving it a go. Couldn't hurt to ask. So…you're coming to practice, right?"

She leans forward in her chair and briefly covers my lips with hers.

"I'll be there with bells on, baby."

About forty-five minutes later, I'm crossing the vacant Gryffindor common room and up the boys' staircase. Just as I'm about to open the door to the dorm that belongs to Sirius, Remus, and Peter, I note that it's already ajar.

Edging closer to the door, I can make out two figures frantically exiting the bathroom, yelling at the top of their lungs.

"Oh. So you want me to be James, is that it?"

Marlene's shaky voice speaks up.

"No, Sirius, I don't want you to be James. However, every so often, I want you to give me what he gives to Lily. I want you to care about what goes on in my life. I want you to be here for me when I need your company the most. When people ask if you have a girlfriend, I want you to say my fucking name! And it would be nice if you would put me ahead of your Marauder persona, for once."

Excluding Marlene's muffled sobs, the room is perfectly silent.

"I want your love, Sirius. Is that asking too much of you?"

Sirius' weak, stammering tongue penetrates the uncomfortable stillness.

"I can't give you what I don't have, Mar. It's not there…I'm not sure it's ever been. I thought you knew that."

A sharp, hollow laugh echoes throughout the great room and down the dark staircase.

"You're right. One hundred and ten percent correct about that, Sirius. I know your love isn't there…but I know mine is. I'm hopelessly in love with you. I won't even bother denying it. But that obviously doesn't mean shit to you, does it?"

"Marlene-"

"Save it. I'm tired of competing with them. You know what's funny? Before they got together, we were just fine. But now, every time you look at them, you want us to be like that. You want us to be perfect. I see it every time I look at **you**. You need to get it in your head that we are not them and we can't live their relationship."

The door is thrown back heatedly. I dodge it by a fraction and hide in the shadows of the nearest corner.

"I've watched it all happen like a movie in slow motion. Their relationship grew and ours died. I wanted to talk to you and try to breathe some life back into it, that's why I pulled you aside. But now, it's pretty clear to me that it's impossible to fix something that doesn't want to be fixed.

"Goodbye, Sirius, I wish you the best of luck. I honestly hope that one day, you'll find your Lily."

The door is slammed shut with a wave of Marlene's wand and she jogs down the staircase, her fallen tears leaving an indistinct path behind her.

My mind is numb from what I've just overheard, but I'm jerked from my stupor when I hear glass shatter against the wall.

"Damn it!"

Running quickly into the room, I see Sirius hovering over a destroyed picture frame with his hands gripping his hair in frustration.

He grabs the trashcan and crouches down on one knee, carefully picking up the jagged shards. When he hears my shoes scuff against the rough floor, his eyes dart to mine.

"Would you like some help?"

He shifts from his position on the floor and stands erect, nervously shooting glances between my face and the floor.

"How much did you hear?"

"Enough," my voice as soft and I know I sound as though I'm counseling a child, "Do you want to talk about it?"

He shakes his head vigorously and he turns his back to me.

"Sirius, I can help you—" I implore.

He whirls around on the spot, rage impressed on his every feature.

"And just how the _fuck_ do you plan on doing that, James? Huh? Do share with me this marvelous idea because I'd really like to know!"

In an attempt to calm him down, I take step forward and say, "I heard what Marlene said-"

"Don't pay attention to her," he interjects, returning to his former job of picking up the smashed glass.

"Please, just talk to me. We've always been able to talk about things. I know what you're going through. I can help."

This move only triggers his temper again. He picks up one of the larger pieces and hurls it toward the opposite wall, the sparkling glass raining down onto Remus' nightstand.

"No, James, you can't help me, and to say that you understand would be a lie. You and Lily have the perfect relationship, something I _really_ don't want to hear about right now. So don't throw me a pity party and try to tell me you know how I feel when you don't have the first fucking _clue_."

_Breathe James, breathe. Give him time, that's all he needs._

I follow my own advice and take a deep breath before looking back at him.

"I got you. I'm leaving for lunch. If you've cooled down and want to talk any time, I'm more than willing to listen."

I exit the dorm and follow the same path that Marlene had trudged not so long ago. My intentions were not only to leave Sirius alone in his thoughts, but also to sort out my own.

My mind is reeling as I run back to the head dorms and grab my broom.

What the hell was Marlene talking about?

Sirius is jealous of my relationship with Lily?

Their conversation plays in my head like words to a song as I set foot in the somewhat empty Great Hall and take a seat on the bench of the Gryffindor table.

Gradually, the crowd thickens. Dumbledore, accompanied by various professors, takes his seat and tranquilly folds his hands in his lap. He's looking around through those half-moon spectacles of his, almost like he's taking note of every student that comes through those doors.

Suddenly, those cobalt blue eyes find mine. He gives me a small smile and a wink, his comforting aura reminding me of my late grandfather.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see someone take a seat next to me and I feel the bench wobble as they modify their position. Instead of making an effort to discover who it is, I stare down at the few morsels of food on my plate.

"I'm sorry."

Glancing at the person next to me, the one who has seemed more like a stranger than a sibling in recent days, I see him facing forward as he rambles on.

"I've never felt anything with Marlene. None of the renowned sparks, magic, nothing. From the start, our relationship was mostly based on the physical needs. And in time, I did come to love her. What's not to love? She's attractive, she's sweet, she's talented...she's everything a man could want. And like I said, I do love her to some extent. I'm just not _**in**_ love with her."

I hear him take a deep breath and he looks at me for the first time since his arrival. Then he breaks his gaze once again, looking down at the polished wood of the table.

"You heard what she said up there. She told me that I want to mimic your relationship. And I guess, in a way, it's true. I look at the two of you and I want that so bad. I want to share that kind of bond with someone. I want the girl's face to light up every time when she sees me. When I hear the word 'happy', I want to see a picture of my relationship, not my best friend's. I want to be in love."

I can see authenticity in his eyes as they bore into mine.

"But I'm not."

"One day, you'll have that, Padfoot. And when you do, you'll realize that everything you've gone through just to find her is worth it. I know what you're going through. I've had my heart broken to a certain degree, but it was always about comfort. But I know going through all of that led me to this point. It led me to Lily. And I think if I hadn't endured all of that, I wouldn't recognize how much she means to me.

And she's right, you know. About you finding your Lily," he looks at me sheepishly, "You'll find her, I'm sure of it."

His hand reaches out as a barking laugh escapes from his throat.

"So…we're good now?"

Shaking his hand, I smile and nod.

"We're good."

* * *

_**Sirius' POV**_

**November 10, 1976  
Wednesday**

I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life. A** lot.**

Some things I sincerely regret. Others bounce off my conscience like rubber and glue.

I don't have a single regret about running away from 'home'.

I don't have a single regret about setting fire to Lucius Malfoy's precious hair back in third year.

But I do, surprisingly, regret not paying more attention in Potions. Dreadful class, really.

And I definitely regret some of the things I've said to Marlene, which is what consequently what led me to where I am now.

The entire time during Potions class, my eyes watched her every movement from the other side of the classroom. I didn't want to look. I swear I didn't.

I didn't want her to know how much it bothered me, but I just couldn't tear my eyes away.

What made things worse was that she never glanced back at me.

Not one bloody time.

After class ended, I was absentmindedly throwing materials in my bag when Slughorn called me up front and confronted me.

"Mr. Black, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you. Now I don't know how I can break it to you any easier, but you're failing this class. And as you undoubtedly know, this term is slowly coming to an end. Normally I wouldn't do this for any other student, but since I am well acquainted with your family, I feel as though I should personally assign you the best tutor available.

I understand that Severus Snape and yourself have somewhat of a…_bleak_ history, but he is one of my brightest students and you would do well to learn from him."

Which leads us to the present situation. I'm currently sitting at a table in the library opposite Snape, my biggest adversary, with only a quill and a sheet of parchment in front of me.

"Let's get this over with. I have some things I have to take care of-"

"Black, I don't want to be here any more than you do. I have no desire to speak to you about anything except what I'm assigned to do. So shut that hole in your face for a few minutes so we can get this over with as quickly as possible."

"Of course you don't. What would we have to talk about? Absolutely nothing because you know nothing about my life and I don't give a damn to find out anything about yours."

At first, he looks like he might let that slide. But good old Snivelly never lets me down.

"You think I know nothing about you, do you? I know more than you think. You seem to be forgetting the Whomping Willow incident. Your careless ways nearly cost your furry little friend dearly. Not to mention Potter risked his life to save me just so he could prevent your sorry arse from having blood on your hands. I know your secret and I could have you and your friends sent to Azkaban faster than you can wave your wand.

And do I even need to go into the history of your family? Touchy subject, I believe. And what about McKinnon--?"

I can feel the anger stir in my chest from that last remark. I may not be in love with Marlene, but he has no right to comment on our relationship…or what _was_ our relationship.

_He has no right_.

"Don't you dare drag her name into this! Don't even try to claim that you understand what happened between us. You may have the basics and blackmail material on me, but you have no idea about anything else. No…damn…idea. I highly recommend that you learn to keep your fucking mouth shut, Snivellus, or I'll gladly shut it for you!"

Instead of acknowledging my rant, he plows on with one of his own.

"You're the one who knows nothing about me. You're the one who kicks me in the dirt and picks me up just so you can do it all over again. I'm your entertainment, am I? A marionette in your sick show? Enjoy it now. It won't be this way forever. Because unlike you, I have a purpose in my life. Unlike you, I know what I'll be doing when this year is over-"

"You know what? I've had it with your mouth. You're doing everything but teaching me what I need to know so if you're going to do it, get on with it. I've got better things to do then waste my time arguing with you and discussing a subject that I couldn't give an ounce of Hippogriff shit about learning," I interrupt.

His black eyes stare at me coldly for a few seconds before he takes my suggestion and stoops over his book.

"Did you pay attention long enough to hear what potion Slughorn was talking about today in class?" He asked as he flipped through the pages.

"No. If I did, do you think I'd be in here?" I scoff.

With a roll of his eyes, he begins reading the text aloud and breaking down the lesson.

I should be paying attention, I really should, but somehow my mind keeps drifting back to the whole situation between Marlene, myself and, inadvertently, James and Lily.

The harsh words we shared yesterday replay in my head and I can't shake them.

_Marlene loves me. I don't love her. She wishes that I were like James. I wish she were like Lily. _

But of course, as she so willingly reminded me, we're not.

Seeing that I am clearly distracted, Snape closes his book and groans. He begins to rummage through his large black book bag.

"Take this, it'll do us both a favor. I don't use it anymore and since you're minute brain is incapable of listening, you need all the help you can get. I recommend you take it, acquire a potions kit, and practice a few of the easier potions before going for the complex mixtures."

His pasty hands produce a thick black leather book that looks centuries old. Some parts of the leather are peeling off and the edges of the pages are tattered and stained due to time. Without hesitation, he jumps up, gathers all of his…whatever it is he lugs around in that bag, and hurries out of the classroom.

I pick it up by the cover and take a good look at the title on the exterior: _Basic Potions & Their Purposes_. Without a second thought, I open to the first page and scan the contents. My attention is immediately drawn to the annotations in the margins on several of the pages.

The small scribbles logged shorthand instructions for brewing potions, tweaks and alterations of the ingredients to achieve better effects, and a few spells that even I have never heard of before.

What's he up to?

I browse through a few more pages of the book and they have similar details jotted down on every corner.

I'm about to close the book when something on one of the last pages catches my eye.

A set of initials is traced in a bold, elegant handwriting that's so different from Snape's usual chicken scratch.

The same initials that I've seen etched on my best friend's paper since first year.

'**L.E.**'

I wrack my brain in an attempt to find someone—anyone—with the same initials.

No such luck.

But why? He couldn't…

No, it's not possible.

He hates her. He insults her. He calls her a mudblood, by far one of the dirtiest words in the language of the wizarding world.

I remember a few years back when she defended him from our pranks, well before she even looked at James as anything but a 'bullying toerag'. She once considered him to be a good friend, but that came to an end soon after the lake incident.

He would never…

Would he?

My, my, look how the tables have turned. It would appear that I know a lot more about Snivellus than he would ever want me to.

I grab the book and sprint out of the library (much to the chagrin of the librarian, what's-her-face) and begin making my way down the hall. Unfortunately, during my haste, I didn't see the person that stepped into my path.

We collided head-on, pausing for a few moments to recapture the wind that was knocked out of both of us.

After my breathing as returned to normal, I raise up and to check and see if the other person is all right.

When I do, I feel like I'm looking in a mirror.

The same shades of steel, black, and ivory that compose my appearance are sitting in front of me. I can imagine that even our expressions are similar. This uncanny resemblance could only belong to one other person.

**Regulus.**

The two of us stand simultaneously and I prepare myself for another war of the words, my third in less than two days time.

But he never opens his mouth.

His gaze is hard, penetrating, and somewhat unsettling, but there is no bitter exchange on his part. Instead, he slides right past me as though he never laid eyes on me at all.

For a second, I almost look back. Get one last look at my estranged little brother; I don't know when I'll ever get to do it again. I almost turn my head. I almost look over my shoulder.

_Almost_.

Just as I do with everything in my life, I move forward, leaving whatever is left behind me to become nothing more than a long lost memory.

But as I've grown to learn with time, some memories are impossible to forget.

Some memories will never fade away.

* * *

**A/N**: Quite possibly my favorite chapter to write thus far. I can't pin point why, but I just loved writing the argument between Marlene and Sirius. I think it's because I have pent up aggression, lol. There is no preview for the next chapter yet because I haven't got it completely typed out, but I'll try to finish it up and post it on here for all of you to see. I can promise you that there will be more drama in the upcoming episode, and all sorts following that.

A lot of stuff happened in this chapter…so what do you make of all of it? Review and let me know ;p I'll answer as many of your questions as I can!

**Edited:** I caught a few mistakes and a couple were pointed out to me :) If you see any, feel free to let me know. I proofread until my eyes want to give out, but sometimes it's hard to catch everything...especially when you're typing it at 2:00-3:00 AM (I'm a night owl). I appreciate all of the help I can get.

So now I must be off. I have a 10 page paper I must get to work on, a drawing I have to complete by tomorrow, and an exam to study for (which is also tomorrow). College life is sweet, lol. Thanks!


	6. 5: Alone

**Disclaimer**: Not mine, yo.

**A/N**: Another chapter that I enjoyed writing (and yes, that means some drama). I wrote Marlene's part when I was listening to 'Apologize' by One Republic ft. Timbaland. (awesome song, that one), so it turned out pretty nifty in my humble opinion. I do hope you enjoy and **don't forget to review!**

Thanks so much for the lovely _18_ reviews for Chapter 4, my darlings! I've enjoyed reading them all and I hope you'll review this one just as well!

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE  
**Chapter 5**: Alone

_**Marlene's POV**_

**November 10, 1976  
Wednesday**

When I was a little girl, my mother used to read me fairy tales about white knights and beautiful princesses. The knight would rescue the princess from the evil villain and all would live happily ever after, 'the end'.

Just like a princess, I thought I'd found my prince.

The one who would save me from loneliness, would love me unconditionally, and the one I would spend my happily ever after with.

But fate is not that kind to me. In fact, it would be safe to say that I need rescuing from this so-called prince.

On the outer surface, he's everything you could imagine and more.

When he asked me out during the summer before sixth year, I automatically refused. I knew of his reputation as the Hogwarts player.

I saw the multitude of girls with tears streaming down their faces after he broke it off with them. I didn't want to fall to the same fate.

Only I did and now I'm falling the hardest out of all of the girls.

But being a prince doesn't automatically make him perfect. Because while he's charismatic, debonair, and far too handsome to be human, that doesn't mean that there isn't a dark side.

The dark side that no one else besides me (and maybe James, Remus, and Peter) gets the chance to see.

It's the sick side of the fairy tale: the drunken nights, the fighting, the secrets, the multiple lies…the list is infinite. He's all of those ugly things wrapped up in the most beautiful paper imaginable.

And maybe, just _maybe_, that's why I want to keep him.

Somewhere in my feeble little mind, a subtle voice whispers that I could change him. That I could make him become the prince I had envisioned from the start.

But the rest of my mind understands that this is a lie. It ignites a hope that dances and flickers before it finally fizzles out and I'm left with one understanding: I'm fighting a battle that I will never win.

So I'm finished.

I'm done.

I've had it with this…this **thing**, this fantasy world I've been living in for much too long.

Because every time I feel like I've surfaced, invisible forces push me back under and I tread water once again. It's a never-ending cycle with Sirius Black.

What is it about him that lures me into his web? I wish I knew the answer.

Neither one of us are happy. I know I'm not and it's written all over his striking face.

I've been burned time and time again. Used as his little plaything for his sick entertainment. He wants me to be the Lily to his James. But I'm not Lily, I'll never be Lily, and he will _certainly_ never be remotely close to James.

For the six, approaching seven years that I've known her, Lily has been the closest I've come to having a best friend. I've told her_most_ of my deepest, darkest secrets and vice versa. I was the first to discover of her change of heart towards James. I was also the first she told when she eventually said yes.

Regardless of the fantastic relationship she and James have, I've never wanted that. I want to be loved, but I want it done in my own way. I don't want to look at my friend's love life and compare it to mine.

There is no comparison. There never could be.

I just want to know that he loves me.

There doesn't have to be flashy cards, no everlasting roses…just genuine unadulterated love. What I want more than anything.

Something Sirius refuses to give me.

"Mar, what's got you upset?" A mellow voice to my right interrupts my thoughts and I recognize it as Lily's.

"Nothing." I shrug, trying—and failing—to appear nonchalant.

"I know it isn't just 'nothing' that has you this quiet. It's the whole thing with Sirius, isn't it? It bothers you that you two aren't together or even speaking."

_Yes. More than you'll ever know._

"No, Lily, it doesn't. He's a jerk, a damn fraud, and I want nothing to do with anyone named Sirius Black anymore."

"You don't mean that."

Without a second spared, I look her straight in the eye and retort through my clenched teeth.

"I do."

And actually, a part of me does mean it. No matter how much I love him, it hurts immensely to know the feelings aren't mutual.

It hurt so much when I heard a friend of his ask about a girlfriend, I was never mentioned.

It hurt so much when his cousin told me she had never once read about me in any of his letters, I didn't want to believe it.

My sister and only living family member, Hannah, knows all about him. I told her about the day we became a legitimate item. I told her about the day I fell in love with him.

Now, I'll be telling her about the day I decided to end it.

That realization hurts more than I could have ever imagined.

* * *

_**Lily's POV**_

**November 12, 1976  
Friday**

I've always hated the rain.

And since I was a child, I've hated storms. There's something about them that's so dark, ominous, and even depressing.

They bring back too many bad memories for me; vivid images of cruel hands colliding with skin at every clap of thunder, the earsplitting shouts of vile words and curses with every flash of lightening.

Each violent storm triggers another gruesome recollection.

I'm sitting in the solitude of the library and looking out the window. Herds of students scurry to the snug and dry confines of Hogwarts castle, hastily retreating from the relentless rain like it's an epidemic.

Most of the time, that's me. Always trying to flee from the rain.

But today is not one of those days. Today, I love the rain.

My dad used to hold me on his lap and tell me that to get to the rainbow, you must first withstand the storm.

So for today, I will put up with the gusts and torrents of the storm in order to get to my rainbow.

James.

Today was the last extremely busy day on my schedule until I get to indulge in peace and quiet. I've had my hands full with three strenuous exams, a Prefect meeting, and now I'm about to head off to James' quidditch practice.

When everything is said and done, I will get to relax in his inviting arms tonight.

My gaze returns to the window and my content smile broadens considerably. A beautiful scale of color is emerging as the last few drops of rain fall to the earth.

My rainbow, indeed.

From this view, I can get a clear shot of the quidditch pitch and of the scarlet and gold clad Gryffindor players. Even from here, I can spot James. It's like a sixth sense.

About fifteen minutes later, I climb the stands and take a seat about midways of the Gryffindor section. In the middle of the pitch, I see the team huddled together on the ground. I assume James is in the middle giving his usual speech to his fellow players and as it turns out, I am spot on.

The players jog toward the changing room and I follow, being especially careful so James doesn't see me when I walk in behind him. His back is still facing me as he goes over a tricky play with his fellow Chaser, Dorcas Meadowes.

"Don't you think your girlfriend will get jealous of you chatting with that cute Chaser?"

I can feel the corners of his mouth arch into a smirk and he decides to take part in the act.

"She doesn't have to know. I'm not going to see her until later tonight."

My hands slide from their position over his eyes down to his firm chest, making sure he still can't see me.

Lowering my voice until it hits my best seductive tone, which would've been a lot more convincing had I been capable of stifling my giggles, I whisper, "Well, if that's the case, why don't we go up to my place? I'm sure I'll make you good company."

"Sounds like a plan to me," He says as he spins around and pulls me against his damp uniform, both of us laughing wildly.

"Don't even bother trying that with me, young lady. I know your touch anywhere."

He smirks and he supports his forehead against mine, our noses barely touching. Our lips make contact, sending that oh-so familiar jolt down my spine, when I notice someone walk up behind James.

Reluctantly, I pull away to greet James' teammate, Thomas Hollinger.

"Hey Lily," He says as I look up at him, "Sorry to interrupt, but I need to have a word with James about a play in a bit. If that's okay, of course…"

"Not a problem. If my memory serves me correct, Alice had a little homework that she was struggling with. I suppose I should help her since I'm Head Girl and all. Just thought I'd drop by and visit with my baby."

Thought my back is turned, I can feel a pair of eyes boring into me. James' stare moves over my shoulder and I instantly know who's arriving.

"So you only came by to see James, eh?"

Remus, Sirius, and Peter appear from my right side. Remus has an eyebrow quirked, awaiting my response.

"Of course she did," James says haughtily as he grins at Remus.

"I figured it was only a matter of time before the three of you came down here. And no, I'm glad to see all of you."

I never had a brother but I'd always wanted one, especially since my only sibling loathes the very thought of me.

Now I've been blessed with three.

My heart warms every time I see them laughing and joking and suddenly, the thought Petunia's screams of "Freak!" don't sadden me as much.

"I'm going to let you get freshened up, you smell something horrid," I tease James and he chuckles, then I turn to Hollinger, "Sorry for the delay, I'm really heading off now."

I leisurely walk over and wrap my arms around James' waist, kissing his cheek (which is still a little frosty from practicing in the November weather) and moving my lips to his ear.

"See you later, baby. Maybe later we can play a few games of our own."

"I think I could use another warm-up or two," He chuckles as he pulls back and lovingly places a kiss on my lips.

As I approach the door of the room, I take one last glance over my shoulder and lock eyes with James, who shakes his head and grins.

"Lil!" He bellows, causing everyone in the room to stop what they're doing and look at me.

"I love you."

**November 15, 1976  
Monday**

Sun-drenched autumn days can be so deceptive.

You look outside and see the bright sun glaring back at you, seemingly emanating a lot of heat. What a disappointment it is to learn that the air is so cold, it feels like the more you inhale, the greater chance your lungs will freeze.

And that is exactly what it feels like as I walk from the owlry. I had sent a letter home to my mum giving her the recent updates on my life, which isn't much.

My hands are tucked deep inside the pockets of my buttoned wool coat and the scarf around my neck is flapping in the light breeze. Once I set foot in the castle, I shed my sunglasses and knitted hat, letting the stray and messy ruby tresses to fall into my eyes.

As I make my way down a hallway that I thought was empty, I see James, Sirius, and Remus standing in the middle. No one else is around.

"What the hell is your problem, Sirius?"

The voice of an angry James stops me dead in my tracks and it's as though I've been hit with the Impedimenta curse. My eyes are locked on the three boys settled a good distance away from me.

"Nothing, Prongs. I just think that we haven't really got to hang out for a while. You know, just the four of us…"

James starts pacing in front of a closed classroom door, all the while shaking his head.

"You want me to blow off Lily so you can plan _pranks_?"

A stitch of dull pain surges through my heart when the knowledge hits home: they're bickering about me.

"No," Sirius says tightly as he glares at James, "I meant that you have been spending a lot of time with Lily and **we **hardly ever get to do anything anymore, Prongs. When we made the pact back in first year, we agreed to stick together, allowing nothing to deter our friendship. I'm asking you, as a vital part of the Marauders and my best friend, to put aside your relationship for the time being and act like a true Marauder again. Just like old times. At least for today."

My head drops as Sirius' words strike me hard. I had no idea that he felt like this.

I never realized the detrimental impact I had on their friendship.

But now I do.

"Remus," James says as he turns to face a visibly baffled Remus.

"Keep me out of this. This is fully up to you, James."

James takes a footstep back and resumes glaring at Sirius.

"If I don't stick by her, people will have a field day with it. People will talk. You know how much she hates that. Not to mention…well, you remember as well as I do what happened last year…I couldn't risk it. Not again, not after all of that. I can't do that to her, Sirius. I won't do that to her. I swore that I would protect her and I intend on keeping that promise."

Compulsively, my feet carry me forward and I'm suddenly standing before three of the most important people in my life.

Finding a voice with strength that I never knew I had, I softly reason, "It's all right."

All three are taken aback, but James is the one to speak first.

"Lily…"

Once I see the anguish in James' dim hazel eyes, my façade almost folds. By some miracle, I manage to hold myself together. I remind myself that this is even worse for him to shoulder.

It comes down to him choosing between the guys he regards as his brothers and the woman he loves.

He shouldn't have to make that decision. And if I can help it, he won't have to.

I try to push down the lump in my throat and maintain a strong voice, but I'm failing terribly.

"It's okay, James. Sirius is right. You need to be with them today."

James tries to speak, but Sirius is the one who cuts him off with his pleading.

"Lil-"

"No…no. You're right, you guys need to spend some quality time together. I won't get in your way."

"That's not what I meant," His normally evasive gray eyes have melted into a softer disposition, begging me to recognize that he had not intended to hurt me.

"I know what you meant, Si, and I understand. Just try to keep the pranks mild, okay?"

My gaze returns to a stunned James and I fake a smile, using what little inner strength I can rally right now.

"Don't look so down, you see me all the time. Just because you're not going to be with me today doesn't mean I'm not with you, "I tell him, placing my hand over his heart, "It's just today, James. Everything will be okay."

I can tell that he is reading my expression, searching for signs that invalidate my short speech. He knows that even though I'm smiling, something is tugging at my heartstrings now. But he also knows that once I make a decision, I stick to it 99 percent of the time, so he just nods and looks back to Sirius.

"Congratulations, it looks like you win. You get me all to yourself, just like you wanted." He releases a scathing laugh.

Seconds later, Peter appears by their side. Sensing the obvious tension, he sends nervous glances between James and Sirius.

"What's going on?" He asks, not bothering to hide his confusion.

"Not a thing, Pete." I quickly retort, stuffing my hands into the shallow pockets of my plaid skirt and walking away, my eyes never returning to the group I left behind.

I can feel their eyes monitoring me the whole walk down the long strip of hallway and I make a solemn vow that I will not lose control.

But when I arrive at the Heads dorm and allow the portrait to swing shut behind me, the tears that I've been struggling with the entire walk here break free from my restraint.

My overwhelming emotions send me straight to the couch and I collapse, my head braced with my hands.

I know that to most people, it would look as if I'm acting childish. It's only one day and it's not like I won't see him at all.

But what most people don't understand is that without him, I feel so weak and afraid. It's been that way since last year. I try to put on a strong front, but he can feel me tremble when we walk into Potions or near the dungeons. He knows a secret that I've told no one else about, a secret that I have no intentions of sharing with anyone else.

But that's not what hurts the most.

What made my heart wrench was hearing the words spill from Sirius' mouth because I know there's truth in them.

I didn't lie. I understand what Sirius was saying. In fact, I shared his sentiments once. When Alice started dating Frank and spending her Friday nights with him and not with me, I felt abandoned.

However, that connection doesn't make it any easier.

I do, irrefutably, take James away from his friends when I'm in his presence.

I do, without a doubt, need to give him back the support from his brothers.

And today, I will do just that.

Today, I will attempt to push my fears aside and stroll down these daunting passages without James and they…

They will be the Marauders again.

And even though Alice and/or Marlene may be by my side, I will feel like the important part of me is gone.

I'll walk through the swarm of people, see them wave and greet me like a close friend. I'll hear them feeding me hollow compliments and asking foolish questions—all apart of the daily routine.

But inwardly, I'll be alone.

* * *

**Next Chapter:**

'_He is her brother, her confidant. The only individual, other than myself, that she feels she can relate to and share her most private secrets with. She trusts him more than she does any of her girl friends. His words mean more to her than he will ever know. _

_This morning, his words broke her heart. _

_He directed them at me exclusively, but they were heard by her. And they hurt her. _

_For that reason, they hurt me.'_

* * *

**A/N**: And there you go, folks. Chapter 5 in its entirety! This was quite strenuous for me to write considering I've been working on my schoolwork as well. Been a very busy week and I can't wait until Thanksgiving break :) Anyway, things are certainly heating up with the story and it can only escalate from here. Hope you liked it and please send me some feedback. I love reading it! And you never know, I might just use one of your ideas ;) Next chapter brings about a very miffed James. 


	7. 6: For Her

**A/N:** Greetings! To those of you who celebrated Thanksgiving, I hope it was a good one! Now get in the gym and run off those extra lbs., lol (yeah right…if I was being serious about that I would most definitely be a hypocrite). Enough with my incessant blabbering…here's Chapter 6, it was about 9 or 10 pages in Word. You'll find several things unfolding in here –cough-part of the big secret-cough—. **Review, review, review!!!** And major thanks to those who did review last chapter, you certainly brought a smile to my face :-)

**Disclaimer: **I think you know by now that J.K. Rowling does not equal hpobsessedrissa, but this is here just in case you don't. So booya. Lol, I think something was in that turkey…

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE**  
Chapter 6**: For Her

_**James' POV**_

**November 15, 1976  
Monday**

You can hurt me all you want.

You can shout at me. Hex me. Punch me. Degrade me.

And I will turn the other cheek and pretend like it never happened.

But you can't hurt her.

Because when it involves her, I refuse to turn the other cheek. I simply _can't_ turn the other cheek.

She's sitting and talking with Alice on the other side of the room, pretending everything's fine, but I know that she is hurting.

In a few minutes, she will turn around and act like she's giving the professor her full attention. She'll copy down the notes from the board, raise her hand at every question, and press a smile on her lips when Slughorn rewards her intellect with well-earned praise.

She'll try to restore the lost sparkle in her eyes and insist that everything's going great. When she looks in my direction, she'll try to hide the ache with all of her willpower.

But she won't succeed.

Because I understand her mannerisms and I know what Sirius professed hurt her like hell.

And while the lack of my presence is enough to upset her, it hurts her even more to know how Sirius really feels. It's the fact that he thinks she's taking me away from the others that disturbs her.

The animosity secreted from Sirius' words is stabbing at her heart like a butcher's knife.

It's killing her to think that he resents her. That she offends him. That he loves her any less.

Because really, she loves him more than her own flesh and blood, Petunia. Probably more than he, himself, would even dream of.

She doesn't see him as the Slytherin reject or the Gryffindor playboy. She has no prejudice towards anyone, least of all Sirius. She understands and loves him in the face of his crude humor, insensitivity, and bigoted ancestors.

He is her brother, her confidant. The only individual, other than myself, that she feels she can completely relate to and share her most private secrets with. She trusts him more than she does any of her girl friends. His words mean more to her than he will ever know.

This morning, his words broke her heart.

He directed them at me exclusively, but they were heard by her. And they hurt her.

For that reason, they hurt me.

But for today, I will abide by her plea and do as Sirius desires. I will walk the halls without my better half by my side. Hogwarts will see what appears to be the bachelor form of the Marauders once again.

They'll see a deficient James Potter.

Because everything I need will be walking in front of or trailing behind me instead of beside me where she belongs.

They'll see a divided group of Marauders.

Because I can't turn the other cheek to Sirius.

I refuse to turn the other cheek to Sirius.

"James."

Lily's angelic voice snaps me out of my reverie. She's walking towards me and I soon realize that class has ended.

"Aren't you supposed to be with the guys?"

There's the phony smile.

And the aching, sparkle-free eyes.

I'll give it one last try.

"Lil, are you sure this is what you want to do? All you have to do is say something…or just nod, even…and I'll ditch this whole thing, spend the day with you, and Sirius can just learn to deal with it."

Her mouth twitches into a small smile and she looks at me, making me feel like I'm more ill at ease about this than she is.

"James, you know how much I'd love to have you with me, but it's just not the best thing to do right now. I love you Marauders, all four of you, and you need to spend time together. They're your brothers. They were by your side before I was. Go, have fun with them."

She displays another faux smile, attempting to put my appeals to rest. She's forgotten how well I can see past it… and what I'm seeing now is crushing my heart.

"I'll be okay, baby. I walked down those halls years before we got together. I think I can do it again."

"I know you can. You can do anything you set your mind to. But that's not what I'm worried about and you know it."

Through her pleasant expression, I can see the anxiety building with each passing second. I can remember vividly what it was like walking down the halls with her last year and I know it replays in her mind.

It was so shocking—no, horrifying—to see such a strong woman cower from each set of lingering eyes, each menacing shadow. Just watching her react that way was enough to terrify me.

And today, I can honestly say that I'm just as terrified as she is.

She averts her eyes from mine, beginning to lose her composure. I know she doesn't want to make this any harder for me.

"They're waiting, James. You better go."

And sure enough, when I glance at the door of the room, I see them patiently waiting. Without the slightest bit of hesitation, I pull her to me and hold her tight against my chest.

"Hold your head up. Don't pay attention to anything they say. They have no clue how wonderful and important you are. And if they try anything, anything at all, come straight to me. I'll be thinking about you and waiting for you tonight, okay? Everything's going to be all right."

I withdraw from her embrace and kiss her lips, nose, and forehead before I start backing away.

"I love you, Lil."

I walk out the door with my best friends but I leave my heart behind me in that classroom.

"You okay, Prongs?"

Out of the corner of my left eye, I see Remus shrugging off his cloak and slinging it over his shoulder.

"I'm fine given what I just did."

The words escaping my mouth are sharp and severe, probably a little more abrasive than I should've used with Remus. He wasn't the one who hurt her.

"Lily's a big girl, James. She'll be okay," His words are meant to soothe my nerves but they don't even come close.

"Of course she'll be okay, Remus. At least she'll say she is. She's used to hearing insults from people who think she shouldn't be here and she's taught herself to pretend like they don't faze her. She'll let everyone think she's perfectly fine when it's eating her alive. She loves you guys like brothers.

It may sting when a Slytherin says something to her, but it hurt her worse when she heard it from someone she loves."

* * *

That evening, the four of us amble down the empty hall to assemble our final prank, invisibility cloak in hand and the Marauder's Map in pocket. 

Due to my extensive planning and mischief making with the boys, I have not seen Lily our last class together, which had been earlier in the afternoon.

I admit that it was fun spending time with the guys like we've done for so many years. It felt good to bond with them and laugh at Sirius' crude jokes, Peter's incoherent sentences, and Remus' goody-two-shoes conscience.

But I miss her.

Because unlike them, I have found a reason that surpasses my need to be reckless; a reason that I spent five and a half long, insufferable years pursuing.

And now that I have that reason, I'll be damned if I let it go.

I retain solace knowing that once this is all over, she will be back in my arms and I will be free to whisper sweet nothings in her ears all night.

"Hey Peter, double-check the map to make sure the coast is clear." Sirius whispers.

Peter bows his head, his beady eyes giving the map a final once-over for good measure. They flicker from corner to corner of the map and he nods his head as though he's making a mental checklist of where each professor is.

Then something is wrong.

He suddenly becomes rigid, eyes glued to the magical parchment. I notice that his hands have a strong grip on it, his white knuckles visible from the light of the torches.

"Pr-Prongs, I-I think you should see this."

Tearing the map from his grasp, I begin searching for the reason behind his stuttering.

And what I find knocks the wind out of me.

_**Lily's POV**_

Curse Slughorn for asking me to assist him and curse my good conscience for agreeing. While it temporarily took my mind off of my miserable day, it put me in a part of the castle that I've never wanted to roam alone; the dungeons.

The cold draft flowing through the passageway is enough to make me tremble, but just being down here is enough to make the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.

Or maybe it's not just the environment.

"My pretty little mudblood, how I've missed you."

The sound of his silver-tongued voice slithers through the tunnels of my ears, rendering me motionless. I loathe any sound that comes from the heartless Slytherin tracking me.

I need to move. I need to get away.

But I can't.

I can't even find my voice to cast a spell or cry for help.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk. I was expecting better manners from the Head Girl. Not even a friendly 'hello'?"

The words are_still_ stuck in my throat.

"What's the matter? Cat got your tongue, Evans?"

I can't see him, but I sense him stepping closer judging by the apprehensive shiver running up and down my spine.

And this time, it doesn't take a storm to conjure those violent images.

He speaks and I feel the heat from the mark on the side of my face. He smirks and I feel the stinging from his teeth sinking into the flesh of my shoulder.

"Go away, Rosier. Please."

His cruel laugh bounces off the walls and rings in my head. I feel like my world is crashing down on me.

When I finally turn around to face him, he was the epitome of cool, calm, and collected as he leans against the wall with a bored expression. Those merciless, icy blue eyes betrayed his face as they clearly held amusement at my expense.

Only when I look at his fingers and see them twirling a wand of the richest mahogany do I remember my own is tucked away deep in the folds of my robe.

_Stupid, stupid girl._

"Not so fast, sweetheart. Why the rush? I hardly get to see you anymore. We have some catching up to do since our last meeting."

My feet finally obey my mind and I try to move ahead, but his thick fingers lock around my wrist, preventing my getaway. His hand is like a vise grip. Even in the dim light, I can see my circulation cutting off as I unsuccessfully pull at my captured arm.

"Let go of me!"

I expected another ruthless laugh and his grip on my hand to tighten if possible, but I got neither. In fact, it was quite the opposite.

I look back at him, wondering what miracle made him stop. His blank frosted eyes meet mine just before he falls to the ground, bringing me with him because my wrist is still caught in his hand.

Immediately, I wrench my sore hand from his and scurry as far away from him as possible. I want to get up. I need to. But right now, I just can't do it.

I'm shaking, my breathing is shallow, and I'm on the verge of hyperventilating. Tears are streaming down my face uncontrollably but I can't lift my hand to wipe them away.

I can't move at all.

Those nightmares—the same nightmares from over a year ago that I was finally being able to put to rest—are coming back in a massive wave. The contact with that cold hand reawakens old nightmares and elicits new ones.

Someone lifts me from the floor, but I don't look up.

At this point, I don't think I can do much of anything.

_**James' POV**_

Never once in my life have I felt so many emotions flowing through my veins as I do now.

Each time Lily cries, 'Let me go!' as we stumble through the corridors, I feel helpless and susceptible.

Each time a tear rolls down her cheek, I want to wipe her tears, hold her, and tell her over and over again that it's going to be all right…even if I'm not so sure, myself.

And each time she tries to wriggle free from my arms, I feel that familiar aspiration to murder the bastard responsible for making her so vulnerable and afraid.

"Look after her," I whisper to Remus and Peter, but I'm focused on my girl who's shivering on the velvet couch of the our private dorm.

"Of course." Remus says and silently urges me to do what I have to do.

I run in my room to grab a blanket and a pillow (forgetting that I could easily summon or conjure one until after I enter the room). Just as I'm about to jog out of the door, I feel a hand seize my shoulder.

I spin around to find Sirius staring at me, his face revealing palpable signs of misery.

And guilt.

"Is Lily okay?" he inquires, his eyes steering clear of mine.

"Do you care?" I hiss as I make for the door again, but his hand prevents me once more.

"Of course I care. You know how important she is to me. Please, just tell me how she's doing."

I face him and shake my head.

"No, she's not fine, if it's anything to you. Not only is she shaken up by Rosier, but…you know this is ultimately your fault, right? Did I not tell you something like this would happen? And to make matters worse, she's still upset about what you said this morning. You're like a brother to her. She thought you would help protect her from pain, not be the cause of it."

"I didn't mean to hurt her," he whispers and loosens his tie, "I didn't know she would get so upset by not getting to be with you. I didn't know this was going to happen."

This time it's not his hand but his words that stop me from walking out.

Anger stirs inside me and I fix him with a glare that I've never aimed at him before. It's taking everything I have to rise above the overwhelming desire to hit the man- no, the boy- standing in front of me.

"Un-fucking-believable. You really don't get it, do you? Do you honestly believe that's it? She's hurt because she thinks you resent her. She loves you and it kills her when she thinks that you might possibly love her less. It's not just because she didn't have me with her 24/7, she's hurt because she thinks she might lose you!"

Sirius lowers his head in shame. From guilt, sorrow, and remorse. From a million emotions that are obviously plaguing his mind.

I don't even bother to wait for his reply. His words are irrelevant to me at this time.

But as the saying goes, actions can speak louder than words.

My eyes bounce back and forth between Lily and Sirius the entire night, watching as she progressively calms her nerves and he battles with his personal demons.

And as the fire crackles and pops, I can't help but feel my heart warm just a little as I watch Sirius stop by Lily, kiss her cheek, and whisper something in her ear that I cannot hear. Soon after, he follows Peter and Remus out of the portrait hole to get us food from the kitchens.

For the first time in what feels like an eternity, Lily smiles.

It's a timid smile, but a smile nonetheless.

After they return twenty minutes later, he takes another mending step.

For a few minutes, we all sit in silence, carefully avoiding one another's eyes as the seconds on the clock tick away.

"I know that no matter how many times I apologize, it won't make up for everything that's happened tonight. I just want you to know how sorry I am. I shouldn't have said those things before. I knew how risky it was and I was so busy feeling sorry for myself that I took it out on you. I'll try to not let it happen again."

He laughs quietly at himself and looks away, buying enough time to collect himself, and glances back at us. His brow is creased, his hands are gripping his kneecaps, and his back is hunched.

He's so nervous, so remorseful, but he's trying to piece together a heart that he broke.

He gulps and utters a sentence that I've never heard him say before.

"Please forgive me."

He leans forward and kisses Lily gently on the cheek for the second time tonight. He looks at me cautiously, unsure of what I might say. But I say nothing as he stands and walks over to the window, looking up at the half-moon and stealing fleeting looks at us.

Lily eases into my embrace and the ghost of a smile forms on her lips.

I know she has already forgiven him. She loves him too much to hold a grudge.

As I wrap my arms around her, pull her closer to me and softly whisper 'I love you' into her silky scarlet tresses, I watch Sirius.

I don't know what's going on with him, I don't know why he has these mood swings, and I don't know what it is about Lily and I that makes him so cynical. Or cross. Or whatever the hell it is that he's feeling right now.

I know that despite all of that, he's my best friend. He's my brother. He's the one that was there for me through thick and thin. And I know that deep down, he cares a lot for Lily and he doesn't want to hurt her.

At the same time, I can't help but think that I'm losing him. I feel like my brother is slowly but surely moving away from me and I don't even know why or when it all began. And I'm confident that Lily is feeling this too.

Yet she has found it in her heart to forgive his indiscretions because she's_ that_ good of a human being.

So, for her, I will forgive him. I will.

But I won't forget.

* * *

**Next Chapter**: 

_I think that I've always been envious of him in some ways, but never to the point where it drove me mad. Look at him. The golden child, the prodigy, Mr. Charisma. _

_The boy could charm the robe off of McGonagall if he really wanted to. _

_He's the complete package; the looks, the character, the knack to conquer anything that comes his way. Everything a man should be, he has it all. _

_He's my best friend. I know he'd do anything for me. He's already done so much that I could never repay him for. So while I knew the envy has always existed, it has never consumed me._

_Not until now._

_Because when I look at him now, I'm scared that I do want to be him. _

_I want everything he has. I want the effortless talent and the popularity. _

_But above all, I want the love._

* * *

**A/N**: All I have to say is thank GOD for Thanksgiving break! I was absolutely drowning in homework. I still am and there are only a couple of days left in the fall semester (which reminds me to register for spring classes, ugh). Thanksgiving is over, which means several things. Christmas tree decorating (which began tonight) as well as some serious shopping, and the dreaded return to school (gags). 

But enough about that…it's story time. So what did you think of this chapter? Think you know what the big secret is? If so, please review and let me know! And if not…please review anyway! Lol, I'll take either one. The next chapter will be a pretty big one. I was debating on whether or not to use the excerpt above or another one that would most likely cause some of you to collapse with curiosity (okay, maybe not collapse…but it would be too obvious to use right now).

Please review, I'll give you cookies.

Ah...well, I can't do that. But I'll be eternally grateful and I'll return the favor if/when I read one of your stories! Plus, it motivates me to write the next chapters faster ;p Later, taters!


	8. 7: Sick

**Disclaimer: **Not my characters, just my story. The end.

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE**  
Chapter 7**: Sick

'_I'm so sick,  
Infected with where I live  
Let me live without this  
Empty bliss,  
Selfishness  
I'm so sick…'_

"I'm So Sick"—Flyleaf

* * *

_**Sirius' POV**_

**November 18, 1976  
Thursday**

Have you been at a place in your life when you feel like you're a stranger in your own skin?

When you can look at your reflection in the mirror and not know the person staring back at you? When you do some soul-searching and come up with something you don't comprehend?

Why you feel things you've never, ever felt and why you do things you previously wouldn't dream of doing. Why you now want things that you've never wanted before and why you require things that had never struck you as necessities.

That's where I find myself right now.

I don't know who I am anymore.

Because right now, the person I am is not the person that I want to be.

I've found myself doing a lot of soul-searching in the past few weeks; predominantly since the day I broke my little sister's heart. I'm trying so hard to understand what I've become.

And in the course of that searching, I've uncovered three distinct emotions that led to my downfall.

Envy, bitterness, and fear.

I think that I've always been envious of James in some ways, but never to the point where it drove me mad. Look at him; the golden child. The prodigy. Mr. Charisma.

The boy could charm the robes off of McGonagall if he really wanted to.

He's the complete package; the looks, the character, the knack to conquer anything that comes his way. Everything a man should be, he has it all.

He's my best friend. I know he'd do anything for me. He's already done so much that I could never repay him for. I knew the envy has always existed, but I've never let it consume me.

Not until now.

Because when I look at him now, I'm scared that I want to be him. I want everything he has. I want the effortless talent and the prominence.

But above all, I want the love.

I want what he has with Lily but my heart won't let me have that. I'll never have that connection with someone, the magnetic force that pulls them together.

Passion. Romance. Love.

I'll never get to have any of that because it belongs to them alone.

Maybe I do want to be James Potter. Maybe I want someone to touch my heart the way Lily has touched his. I want to love someone so much that I would be willing to move mountains for them. I want a love without end.

I covet James because he is complete and I'm not.

The jealousy leads to bitterness.

I'm bitter towards James because he has what I don't.

I'm bitter towards Lily because she gives him what I can't seem to find in any woman.

I'm bitter towards Marlene because she saw my envy and gave up on us.

But most of all, I'm bitter at myself because I'm not happy with my life. I won't let myself be happy, I won't allow myself to be the friend they deserve. I won't allow myself to follow my heart because I'm too busy searching for a love that doesn't exist.

I'm trying to find my Lily. There's just one small problem: there is only one Lily. James' Lily.

And now, that bitterness has led to fear.

I'm afraid that I'm losing myself.

I'm afraid that I'll become what I've despised in my ancestors.

I'm afraid that I'm losing the only _real_ family I have in this world.

And I'm terrified of what this means for not only me, but also for Lily and James.

Deep beneath the surface, beyond my wild emotions and pretenses, I can see the Sirius that I want to be. The person that existed before the jealousy possessed me. The person who loved his best friend and little sister more than anything else in this world, even more so than his own flesh and blood. The same person who would —if given the chance—die before allowing the shortest hair on either of their heads to be harmed.

I'm scared because that person is slipping further and further away with each frenetic heartbeat.

Taking a deep breath, I run my hands over the lines of my face and lean back a little, propping myself against the bedpost. But that position doesn't satisfy me either and I find myself on the edge of my bed, elbows resting on my knees.

I'm restless; I've tossed, turned, and tumbled during my wasted attempts at sleep. The shadowy bags under my eyes are solid proof of that.

I've been holed up in this godforsaken dorm like a hermit since the day following Lily's confrontation with Evan Rosier, trying to focus on a book of charms so that I will be able to make my (future) motorcycle fly.

In other words, trying to distract myself from the profound feeling of guilt that is churning in my stomach.

It was completely my fault and no amount of repentance can clear my conscience.

Even while I'm stuck in my hide away in our dorm, the exciting news didn't miss my ears.

Just this morning, Lily received her acceptance letter into Healing school, the letter she'd been gnawing on her nails about for a while now. Every one was ecstatic for her, but of course her biggest enthusiast was James. I wanted to hug her and congratulate her for all of the dedicated years that have led up to this point.

But I couldn't do it. I couldn't allow myself to jump in the crowd and become the invisible Sirius while everyone surrounded them, gushing about how brilliant she was and how James was incredibly fortunate to have her.

Even though she did deserve all of the limelight. After all, it was her accomplishment.

So permeated with acrimony and guilt that I didn't even make an effort to walk over to her and tell her what my heart was longing to say. I didn't disclose how proud I am of her to anyone, not even to the individual who deserved to hear it the most.

I bow my head, revolted by my own actions, and look at my rough hands that are clasped together in front of me. My contemptuous side is winning and it's hurting the people closest to me.

It makes me sick to think about what I've done.

What I'm still doing.

The sound of the opening door interrupts my thoughts and Remus rapidly enters with a mountain of books in his arms, his girlfriend Mary following closely behind. Sweet girl from what I can tell, but she isn't a 'regular' in our circle. She is a familiar face and she comes around often, but she knows so little about us.

"Sorry to bother you," Remus says as he lethargically places the stack down on his trunk, lifts something off the top, and walks towards me. My eyes immediately zoom to the photograph in his hand and I chuckle.

Taking the picture from his grasp, my attention never leaves the laughing animated couple in the frame.

"I'm guessing that this was taken from earlier?" I ask as Remus conjures a chair and indolently leans his back against it. Mary does the same and I notice that one of her hands is clutching the latest edition of the _Daily Prophet_, still rolled and tied by twine.

"Yeah, it just finished developing a second ago. One of those instant cameras obviously, but I'm sure there are more. I think Lily took a few with her muggle camera."

I gaze down closely at the pair in the picture. Both are laughing and he's spinning her around, a tremendous amount of love and happiness written on both of their faces.

"She's glowing," I mutter and both Mary and Remus smile.

"She was glowing. They both were. You would've thought they were announcing a pregnancy or something. James couldn't take his eyes off of her. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen."

I hand the picture back to Remus as he unrolls the newspaper and casually flips through the pages. We're engulfed in silence for a few seconds before he stops fidgeting with the paper and gently lowers it to his lap (which Mary continues to read), his attention now solely on me.

"How come you didn't say something to her this morning? Are things still tense between you and James?" He asks inquisitively and I evade his stare.

I shrug my shoulders and start to play with the raveling thread on my bed sheet.

"We're talking but it's not like it was. Besides, it was Lily's time to shine and I didn't want the problems between James and I to overshadow her happiness. Everyone seemed so excited, I didn't want to ruin it."

And deep down in the caged muscle pounding inside my chest, I believe that to be true. I didn't want any harsh feelings between James and I to take that radiant smile off of her face. And that's what I'll tell everyone, all the while knowing that it's only half of the real reason.

I'm sure Remus can sense that there's more but he's aware that it would be better not to discuss the subject in Mary's presence, he just nods his head and looks down at the picture once again.

"Well, you missed quite a sight," he laughs, "The two of them can certainly draw a mob. It's hard not to watch them when they're around each other, no matter how sickening the love fest can be at times."

All three of us laugh before quickly falling into a hush again. A small smile is in the process of illuminating my face and mentally, I prepare my stomach for what I'm about to say.

"He's loved her from the start, you know. I remember boarding the train at the end of first year, back when they barely knew each other and before she started hated him. It was just the two of us; Remus hadn't arrived yet. When he saw her walking to her compartment with her friends, he told me that he was going to marry her. He said she made his stomach 'feel all tingly'. I, of course, laughed at him and said he'd probably forget about her over the summer. We see how that turned out."

Mary smiles brightly, leans her head on Remus' shoulder and hugs him closer to her, listening intently to my words at the same time.

"He loved her then and he loves her now. Even when they would lose contact over the breaks, when she claimed she hated him, or when they were dating other people, he never stopped. I never dreamt that she would ever come to love him in return. It seemed hopeless. But somehow, she did."

Unexpectedly, Remus stands up and stretches his lanky limbs before announcing, "I'm headed for the shower. You can stay up here if you want, Mary. I won't be long."

As soon as the door shuts, Mary turns to me and whispers, "That's so adorable. How did they get together?"

I can't help but laugh at the absurdity of the whole circumstance; me—the spiteful Sirius Black—telling James and Lily's love story.

"Well, like I said, he loved her from the beginning. She was something like a friend for the first couple of years, but with time, he became arrogant—he still is to a certain degree. But he always had the best intentions, giving her flowers and candy and stuff he thought she would like. For years, he treated her like every other girl he dated because he didn't know how to express his feelings any differently. Then it dawned on him around the end of fifth year that he was going about it wrong and sometime during the summer before sixth year began, he changed."

"How? I mean I've noticed a few small differences, but he seems like the same old James to me," she declared curiously as she crisscrossed her legs.

"I guess in some ways, he is. He stopped harassing her every morning with the same old 'Go out with me, Lily' rubbish and acted more like a gentleman. And in a roundabout way, it also had something to do with the death of his cousin Erika. He was protective of her since he doesn't have any sisters of his own. When she was killed in an assault, he was devastated. I believe it sort of changed his perception on life and made him realize that this isn't fun and games anymore. At the start of sixth year, he set his pride aside and ultimately became Lily's friend. I noticed, and so did Remus, that Lily started treating him differently and not just in a friendly way. It started out with the little flirtatious signs that gradually grew month after month. Laughing at his jokes, even the ones that weren't all that funny…stealing glances at him from across the room when she thought no one was watching. And finally, around this time last year, she caved in. She saw what he had been seeing all along. And as the saying goes, the rest is history."

"They were made for each other," she whispers, her eyes glistening with tears, "It's magnificent."

She takes a moment to collect her emotions before looking at me, her cherry red lips turning upwards into a smile.

"What about you, Mr. Black? What's your love story?"

A derisive laugh passes from my mouth and I contemplate the photograph I saw just minutes ago.

"Nonexistent."

Mary gently covers my forearm with her small hand and brushes over it softly.

"You'll have your own some day. And while you're waiting for your own lady love to arrive, enjoy your best friend's romance."

That's the whole dilemma. I enjoy their romance so much that I crave it.

Both of us jump at the sound of an opening door. Remus closes it gently and his eyes fall on Mary and I.

"Well, we need to get going. They're having chicken potpie today and I'm willing to bet that Peter's gobbled up half of it. Those poor house elves. Oh, and it almost slipped my mind," he sifts through his pockets and pulls out a pale blue envelope, "James asked me to give this to you. I think it's from Lily, but I can't say for sure."

My eyes rove over the envelope in his palm before seizing it.

"See you later, Sirius."

His footsteps echo as he makes for the door and unintentionally slams it on his way out. My eyes remain focused on the small piece of paper in my hand.

Ever so gently, I open it and extract the matching pale blue parchment that is folded. I can recognize that parchment anywhere. Lily always leaves James and Marlene notes with the same shade and design as the one in my grasp.

Flopping back on the bed horizontally, I unfold the note and begin to read.

_Sirius,_

_I know things have been a little crazy lately… more than crazy, actually. I'm not sure what's going on anymore. All I know is that for the past few days, I've felt like a huge part of my life has been missing without you in it. You've been by my side for nearly everything and I hate feeling like there's a rift between us._

_I know you still feel guilty about what happened but please know that it's not your fault. You didn't make me go down to the dungeons and you didn't provoke Evan Rosier. I don't want you to be blaming yourself for something that was out of your hands and I definitely don't want it to come between you and James. You two are like family and it tears me apart when I see you treating one another so impersonally._

_As you may very well know, I received some good news this morning. I was accepted! So, James is deciding to throw a little congratulations party for me in the Heads room tomorrow night (in spite of my protest) with just our closest friends and I'm really hoping that you'll come. You've been up in that dorm for far too long and I need my big brother. Please, please give it some thought. _

_I love you and miss you,_

_Lils _

Guilt starts to creep through my body as I reread the creased paper.

She's my friend, my little sister. I should've been there hugging and laughing with her this morning, but I wasn't.

Tossing the note aside on my bed, my head hits the cool pillow. As always, I begin my perpetual war with my conscience over my foolishness and forsaking of a dear friend.

Someone who is effectively a family member of mine, no matter the bloodlines. Members of said family are few and far between. And somehow, I've taken one for granted.

I gradually lift my head from my pillow when I hear the faint sound of my name being called. Looking over at the mirror lying face up on the table beside my bed, I warily pick it up and stare at the person on the other side.

"Hello, James."

"Sirius."

His face is stoic for a few seconds and my mind is swimming from thoughts about where this conversation will lead. And since I have been doing most of the avoiding, I should be the one to break the ice.

"So…what's going on?"

He's quiet, apparently studying me before he speaks again and attempting to disguise the emotion in his tone.

"Did you get Lily's note?"

My eyes swing to the folded paper lying beside me on the bed and I nod.

"Yeah, I did."

"Will you come?" He questions without prolonging this habit we've developed of beating around the bush.

Subconsciously, my hand travels to my temple and I massage the spot where the pain is slowly settling in.

"Prongs…"

"It would mean the world to her," he interjects quickly before lowering his voice, "and to me, too."

Seconds, minutes, hell, maybe even hours go by before either one of us speaks again. Getting a good look at that bloody note, I take in the neat mixture of print and cursive that is Lily's handwriting.

With my eyes shut tightly, I muscle out the three words that are ricocheting within my hammering heart.

"I'll be there."

Frozen grass crinkles rather noisily beneath my scuffed black boots as I make my way to the _almost_ abandoned quidditch pitch. Glancing upward, I see the figure I've been looking for flying around effortlessly.

Even though there is no cheering audience, he still performs all of the dives and loops as if he's showing off for the world to see.

I've never understood his fascination with flying. Sure, it's fun, but it's not something I would drag my arse outside in freezing temperatures just to do for the hell of it.

He told me that flying helps him clear his mind of all disturbing thoughts. And true to his word, he flew a lot after Erika's untimely death.

He flew after Lily rejected him for the 400th time a few short years ago.

He flew when his dad was critically injured during a brutal encounter with Voldemort's most faithful Death Eaters. The Healers said he had a 50/50 shot at living through it (which he did after weeks of treatment).

He also claimed that flying faster than most people can think gave him the biggest adrenaline rush.

That was, of course, before Lily Evans became his steady girlfriend.

When I come to a stop directly below him, he's blissfully oblivious to my company. There's no use in calling for him; he's lost in his own world of freefalls and high climbs.

And I'm Anxious. Sirius _fucking_ Black is anxious.

I've faced the cruelty of my prejudiced parents, the ridicule from my equally bigoted relatives, and the snide comments from my ignorant pansy of brother without even batting an eye.

But here I am, a bag of nerves because I have to meet with my best friend.

I'd never admit it to him to save my life, but I'm nervous as hell.

Because the young man I'm about to face is not the boy I've known for years. He's not the same kid who, with my help, spiked the Slytherin tables' pumpkin juice. He's definitely not the same cocky boy who skives off lessons just to get pissed with me in the Three Broomsticks.

He can be extremely intimidating without even knowing it. He emanates such authority and might with just one look.

His transformation astonishes me.

Who knew the gaudy bespectacled prankster would become such an articulate and brave leader?

So naturally, I can't help but feel a little uneasy about speaking with him. We haven't spoken more than 10 words to one another after that evening that feels so long ago. Lily and I parted on good terms that night, but I know that she hasn't forgotten anything about that day.

And I'm positive that James hasn't, either.

Since that miserable day that feels so long ago, he's talked to me on a few rare occasions. Mostly because he was put in circumstances where he had to, but I can still feel the stress all the same.

In the past, he's reminded me a countless number of times that he could deal with someone hurting him, physically or otherwise, but he would move heaven and earth to protect Lily. I'm certain that this is no lie. She means everything to him.

To quote him, 'she's the only thing'.

His words have stuck with me since he spoke them just a little over a week ago.

_She's his only thing._

And I'll admit it scares me to think that James would walk away from everything for her.

He would walk away from the Marauders, his best friends since we were old enough to figure out what that term really meant.

And there would be no Marauders without James Potter. He is our rock, the pride and soul, the stabilizer of the group.

I glance around one final time to make sure we would have the field to ourselves if we did, indeed, talk.

I'm doing this for a good reason…I'm doing it for my little sister.

I'm doing this as an attempt to salvage the Sirius that I once knew.

"Thank you."

Those two sudden words surprise me and I turn to find him staring and toying with the ring dangling from his necklace.

"Thank you for deciding to go," he specifies as he takes a peek at me through his dark eyelashes, "She loves you and she thinks you're avoiding her, but I beg to differ. You're avoiding me."

I mean to shake my head as I open my mouth to clarify, only to have James speak first.

"There's no need to go in detail. I don't want an explanation, I'm just glad that you're going to come. She'll be so happy, man."

I nod my head and watch as he flips the broom from side to side.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days. Actually, I guess you could say months. But with everything that's happened since Monday, it really started to hit me. I was so scared and angry when I saw him near her, touching her. I wanted to kill him, but I remembered... I want to do everything in my power to make sure that she's safe and secure," he says but I keep my eyes trained to the rhythmic movements, my heart throbbing from envy with each word he speaks.

"Sirius."

My head jerks as James' voice rises and his penetrating stare sweeps over me.

"I want to be the one to see her beautiful smile every day, Padfoot. I want to make her happy for the rest of my life. And that's why I'm going to ask her to marry me."

The breath hitches in my throat as the weight of his words slam into me.

"I'm going to propose on our anniversary, the 20th, this Saturday. I know we've only been together for a year, but…God, it just feels so right. I want to call her my wife. I've dreamed about it since I was 11. I don't care who approves and who doesn't…or about the blood…or her parents…or anything. None of that matters anymore. It never did mattered to me, anyway. I just want to be with her."

My eyes flutter shut and I turn away.

I'm happy for them. Really, I am. I'm delighted for him, for her, and for them as a couple.

However…

My mind is reeling.

_She's his only thing._

_He's going to propose._

The envy, the bitterness, and the fear attack both my mind and heart at full force like a feral beast.

_James is going to ask Lily to marry him._

But I can't let that happen.


	9. 8: He Lied

**Disclaimer**: Not my characters, just my story.

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE**  
Chapter 8**: He Lied

'_I'm living a lie  
And it's not the best thing for me  
But anyone and everyone is gonna hear another story  
I'm building a house  
Of murderous intention  
To keep it all from coming down  
I've gotta focus my attention  
'cause confidence is key  
When violating trust  
I'm making sure that I believe  
I'm doing what I must  
Which is attempting to kill  
The little boy inside  
But as hard as I try...  
The child will not die.'_

"Lie"—Black Light Burns

* * *

_**Lily's POV**_

**November 19, 1976  
Friday**

If there was ever a place I could call home, I think it would be Hogwarts.

Not just serving as my physical home, but emotional as well.

I've learned that I don't have to be huddled in that little muggle house on Spinner's End to have a home. Because honestly, I feel more welcomed here than I do anywhere. All I need is to be surrounded by these people, this adopted family, to feel like my life is fulfilled.

Five years ago, I never would've imagined referring to this place as my home. I was still so attached to my muggle life and resistant to immediate change that I pretended that this place didn't influence me in the slightest.

How times have changed.

Yes, five years ago—perhaps even four—I would've denied my attachment to this supernatural lifestyle. This, at the time, was the unknown.

But tonight, with James' hand connected securely to mine, I feel more at home than ever before.

Whilst I watch my dearest friends chat, laugh, and dance, an immense sensation of belonging sweeps over my being.

They're not my immediate relatives, who are clueless about this party (and maybe even the letter in general), but they're my Hogwarts family. They've held me up and encouraged me from day one. Each person in this room has shaped my life in some form or fashion.

I can honestly say that if they weren't here to back me up, I would've easily given into adversity. I would've allowed myself to believe the jeers and the taunts that told me I didn't belong here.

And truthfully, if it weren't for the three guys standing on the opposite side of the room and the one by my side right now, I wouldn't have made it past first year. It was James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter who took me under their wings and showed me that I was just as good as any pureblood.

Even though they could be complete prats ninety percent of the time, they consoled me when I was homesick and they defended me when the Slytherins humiliated me. They were always there when no one else gave a damn about the tiny redheaded muggleborn girl who didn't know the difference between a house elf and a goblin.

This is not just a celebration for me, but also for the people standing in this room with me. I want to freeze time.

I want them to be apart of my life forever.

"I wouldn't mind seeing that beautiful smile on your face all the time."

James whispers into my ear, his breath tickling my neck and heightening my senses. His nose nuzzles my burning cheek and I can only reply with, "I'm sorry."

"Don't you dare say you're sorry. I love it when you smile…it makes me want to smile, too."

His soft lips brush against my cheek as I laugh in contentment. That's the only way I can describe my life right now, right at this very second.

Content.

He tugs me further into the room with his strong hand, squeezing mine every so often. He affectionately weaves me through the crowd like a thread through the eye of a needle and finds the loveseat in the corner, pulling me into his embrace as he flops down onto it.

"This is what perfection feels like," My eyes travel the span of the room.

"This is the way it should feel like all the time, my love," Was his only response and I let him lure me even closer to his warmth.

"It is. When I walked in here and saw all of these people who have been beside me through the years, knowing that each of them had something else they could be doing, something they gave up just to celebrate my acceptance, I was swept away. But in a good kind of swept away, you know? And it made tonight perfect, it made it feel whole."

A smile forms across James face and he leans into me, kissing the tip of my nose.

"And that—that look on your face, that feeling you have in your heart—is why I did this. Everyone in this room loves you, Lily," he says under his breath so only I can hear and he quickly scans the small crowd, "They're so proud of you. It may come off as such a lame excuse to throw a party, but I know how much that letter means to you.

"You've been searching for acceptance since we stepped foot through those big double doors first year. And now you have it. You have something to show for your hard work. You can hold your head high because you _are_ a witch and a **damn** good one, at that. You've had to deal with so much discrimination and it's so unfair.

"But those people standing out there...they love you. They're here because they want to be, because there's no place else they'd rather be."

His hand caresses mine and he brings it to his lips, placing a kiss on it, those inviting hazel eyes locked on mine the entire time.

"I love you."

"And I love you too, Lily-poo."

I giggle as I hear a very different voice responding to my endearment. Looking up, I see Edgar Bones leaning against the wall with a roguish smirk on his face.

"Mr. Bones, care to join us?" I joke as I hold out my arm and make a theatrical gesture for him to sit in the chair next to the loveseat. He chuckles as he slides onto the cushion.

"You're probably expecting some nasty comment from me about your letter and how they should be treating you instead of letting you work for them, but I don't think I'll do that," I punch his shoulder playfully as all three of us guffaw loudly, and then his face sobers.

"You, Miss Evans, deserve all of the rewards in the world."

That short sentence causes my heart to warm in appreciation and I can't help but beam right back at him.

"And the party is brilliant, might I add. But I must say, I'm horribly disappointed with one thing…I was expecting you to jump out of a cake in some sexy lingerie get-up while-"

I'm laughing riotously as James reaches around behind me and slaps Edgar on the arm, but Edgar only winks at me flirtatiously.

"Oi! That's my woman you're talking about, Bones," he shouts, really trying to appear mad but failing as his laughter breaks through as well. He might get jealous at times, but he knows Edgar is joking and trying his very best to press his buttons.

"Really, Lil, this is great," Edgar says as he bends forward, kisses my cheek, and duplicates the words James was expressing to me not even five minutes ago, "We're all so proud of you."

On impulse, I fling my arms around his neck and give him a wholehearted hug. I'm not sure what it is about it, but when I heard those words from Edgar, it made it seem so real. It made it even more special because he's not the type of person who can easily express his emotions, usually hiding all seriousness behind jokes and innuendos. But this time, I know those words were heartfelt and earnest, and it makes me feel good to know he was willing to lower his guard for me. I'm proud of him too.

We slowly release each other and he playfully taps my chin with his knuckles as he stands up.

"Thanks for coming, Ed. It means a lot to me," I say as he turns to walk away.

"I wouldn't have missed this for the world."

As soon as Edgar is out of earshot, James presses his lips to my ear and I can feel him smiling.

"You've got every single one of them wrapped around your little finger, don't you? There's not one guy in this room, single or otherwise, that isn't mesmerized by you."

"I tend to have that effect," I chortle as he shakes his head.

"You sure do, milady. Are you sure you can fight them off while I make a break for the loo?" I nod my head and rises to his feet.

"Are you sure you'll be all right? I can get Remus or Peter to stay with you until I return, if you want," he states with a sincere concerned look in his beautiful hazel pools, all the while scanning the room and finding Remus a short distance away.

This is just another thing I love about him. No matter where we are, he's always looking out for me. When he's around, I have no reason to be afraid; I trust him with my life.

"James, I'm sure I'll be okay," I reassure as those worried eyes bore into mine. I break the stare, however, when I see a familiar figure standing out of the corner of my eye, unaccompanied in the corner.

"Besides, I see someone I'd like to speak with."

He follows my gaze and nods.

"I'll be right back," he says as he places a gentle kiss on my lips and helps me up from my seat.

I watch James walk away and then turn my attention to the man across the room. As I make my way through the crowd, I can see that he is deep in thought.

"What's going on in that head of yours, Sirius?" I deliver the question kindly and he is startled from my sudden appearance, but the makings of a grin spread across his face.

"Ah…nothing you'd be interested in, Lily. Tonight is for you, anyhow."

Smiling softly, I notice that the music has switched to a slower song and I incline my head to the to survey him.

"Would you like to dance?"

For a second, I think he's going to refuse my request, but he places his drink on the nearest table and grabs my outstretched hand, leading me onto the small dance floor.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Marlene take a quick, impassive glimpse at us before returning to her conversation with Amelia. I drape my arms around his neck and he does the same with my waist, but something feels off.

He's tense. His muscles seem to be inflexible and he's not relaxing as much as necessary in order to flow with the music.

I've danced with him so many times at other parties and the like, but he's never done this. He's never reacted this way. I usually feel more comfortable in his arms than with anyone else, excluding James of course. He's always been my reliable friend.

The thought that he is uncomfortable around me is unsettling.

"You look stunning tonight, Lil."

Silence had gathered between us and his words surprise me. When I turn to stare in those cool gray eyes, I perceive a sentiment that I'm very familiar with right now.

Uncertainty.

"Thanks. I'm really glad you came, you know. I'm glad everybody came, but I'm especially relieved that you did. I was afraid you wouldn't show."

He pulls me closer to his body and his chest presses against mine. My head is now turned, allowing him access to my ear and I feel his hot breath cascading over my cool skin.

"Everyone here loves you."

I'm almost certain that he's about to elaborate, but for some reason, he stops and we maintain our rocking to the soft melody.

"So what did you and James talk about the other day down by the quidditch pitch?"

And just like that, the anxiety returns.

"Huh?"

Judging by his weak reply, he was clearly unprepared for my question and I can't help but giggle at the flabbergasted look on his face.

"Let's just say I don't need some silly map to locate people. Windows have their purposes as well. And you two looked like you were having a deep discussion for quite some time."

I lean back in his hold and try to make eye contact, but he immediately shifts his head and pulls me flush against him once more. His next words were so quiet that I had to strain to hear them over the music.

"James and I…we were talking about you. How you've earned this and about how bloody remarkable you are."

His voice is incredibly low for those final three words and for a split second, I'm not sure I heard correctly. But when they register in my mind, a strange feeling overcomes me.

It's the feeling you get when you recognize that the situation you're in is wrong—very wrong—, but you're not sure what you can do about it.

I've had this feeling around a few guys before, but I've never felt it with Sirius.

Never.

And I've been on the receiving end of his compliments before, but it was something about the way he said it that alarmed me.

As Sirius cradles me in his arms during the dance, my mind is trying so hard to figure out what's happening and I feel so nauseous.

For a moment, I thought he felt my discomfort. He was disentangling our arms and looking directly over my shoulder.

Once I spin to see what he's gaping at, I discover James standing right behind me with a dazzling smile on his face.

And I can't help feel a strong sense of relief.

"Can I have my girl back?" He folds his arms, that handsome grin still in place. Sirius laughs and bows like a proper gentleman.

"But of course, she's all yours."

James pulls me to him, wrapping his arms comfortably around my waist. His fingers brush against the exposed skin of my back and I place my head on his shoulder, but my gaze falls on someone who held me in a similar manner just a minute ago.

Sirius.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I've lost touch with him. I feel like the tide has swept in and pulled us apart, erasing our friendship like a heart drawn in the sand.

By the time the festivities were over, the room was only semi-trashed (astonishingly), but it was nothing a little magic couldn't solve.

Sometime during the party, my old dorm mates (predominantly Alice) decided to have a little girl's night in the dormitory and asked me if I wanted to attend for old time's sake.

Taking into consideration their promise of many mint chocolate ice cream tubs, it wasn't long before I was sold.

"So what are the plans for tomorrow?" I ask James as I rest my head on his chest and feel it steadily rise and fall. Just lying with him like this soothes me more than he could ever imagine.

"Well, quidditch practice is the first thing on my agenda and as soon as that's over, I'm going to get ready so we can celebrate our anniversary…in Hogsmeade. And before you give me this long-winded speech about how you loathe breaking the rules, I _promise_ that it will be worth it."

An enormous smile illuminates James' entire face and I know he can see the healthy combination of excitement and confusion on mine. He has been very mysterious about the details of his so-called plan. Usually, I can sneak out some information from him using my 'methods of persuasion', but this time, it's different. He's been extra tight-lipped and stingy with shared information. All he ever tells me is that it will be memorable.

"I can hardly wait, sweetheart."

His passionate, yet tender gaze bores into me once again and I hear him exhale irregularly.

"Tomorrow will be the most unforgettable day of your life."

An instant smile develops on my features and I press a kiss to the skin peeking out above the neckline of his button down shirt.

"I guess I've got to go now."

"Yeah, go spend some time with the girls. You know…pillow fights, strip poker, whatever it is you birds do. And please, take plenty of pictures."

Smacking him lightheartedly on the arm, I detach myself from his clutches before I get sidetracked and abandon the other sleepover altogether.

"I'm going to head down to the kitchens and grab a bite to eat, then I'm hitting the bed. I'll be of no use to the team in the morning if I can't hold my eyelids open. Are you sure you don't want me to walk you?"

Ah, my darling is so chivalrous.

"I'll be fine. The Gryffindor common is just a short distance from here. I'll be all right."

"Only if you're certain. Any likelihood that I can change your mind?"

I shake my head and mime a 'no', unsuccessful at suppressing a smirk.

"Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow, then. Goodnight. I love you. If you need anything, you know where to find me."

"I love you too."

He opens the portrait and slides out gracefully. I keep an eye on him as he disappears, watching as the gap between the door and the frame decreases before it closes completely.

It still baffles me how much I miss him the minute that he's away from me. He has been right by my side the whole night, but I feel like part of me is missing as soon as he's out of my sight.

With my bags in hand, I glance at the clock and head to the portrait hole so I can make for the girls' dorm. As soon as the portrait swings open, I'm startled by what—or rather, who—I find on the other side.

"Sirius, you scared me." My breathless voice manages to breathe out those short words and I place my hand over my pounding heart.

"Sorry," he whispers quietly as he stands at the door and looks at me.

"What brings you here? If you're looking for James-"

"No—no. Actually, I…I'd like to talk to you, if that's okay. Do you have a minute or two?"

He's hesitant, almost afraid. I've never seen Sirius Black afraid of anything.

"Certainly. The girls can wait a couple more minutes. Come on in."

I retreat back into the room and allow him to enter, the portrait gently swinging shut behind him.

I watch as he walks in slowly and sits down on the couch.

"What brings you here this time of night? Or shall I say morning?" I ask casually and lean against the back of the couch, observing him as he smooths out the wrinkles on his shirt.

At first, we do nothing but remain silent.

Then his eyes collide with mine.

What I find there—or, to be more precise, what I _don't_ find—shocks me to the core.

Vacant. Those penetrating silver eyes are absolutely vacant of any emotion and bind me with trepidation.

"You know I love you, Lily."

Those random words render me speechless and I can only stare back at him, bemused and a little surprised.

"I know, Sirius. I love you too."

His eyes remained locked on mine for a few seconds before they return to his shirt.

"You know how much I love my mates, too."

I look at him warily as I nod my head.

"Of course, you'd give your life for them and they would do the same for you. What's really wrong, Si?"

The words that come subsequently are ruthless and forthright, cutting me as though he aimed them right at my heart.

"You're not a Marauder."

The rate of my inhalation quickens I can feel it getting quicker as I stare at him, his eyes still downcast.

"I know that…"

"They don't," he yells, finally looking at me and motioning towards the portrait hole, "those people out there. They don't know."

He takes a deep breath as he stares at me intently, gathering his words.

"Over the past year, I've watched as we slowly faded out of James' life and vice versa. We've been replaced by you."

The pain in his eyes is so real and raw as he speaks. I find myself laboring to hold up the dam that prevents my tears from falling. And bit-by-bit, that dam is crumbling at my feet.

"Sirius…"

"You're destroying our friendship, Lily. You're taking away everything. Everything, everyone that I love," he whispers.

The sound I'm hearing must be that of two hearts shattering. It has to be.

There's no other justification for this pain in my chest.

"You know that's the last thing I mean to do. Sirius, I would never seek to destroy your friendship, I know how much it means to you and how much it means to them. You're my family. I love you and I would never do that."

He nods his head as he runs a hand through his hair, black as coal.

"The thing is, you're not doing it on purpose. I understand that, Lily. And that may be the worst part of it all. But you're doing it nonetheless."

He raises his eyes to mine and I see they're smooth as glass from the tears brimming inside them.

"We both know that if it came down to a decision between you, me, Remus, and Peter, he would choose you. Always you."

My heart is hammering against my chest, but his stance never wavers.

"James would never turn his back on you guys."

"Ask him about Rosier, Lily," he intrudes sternly.

"What?" I ask skeptically as I stand crosswise from him.

"Ask him about the stint that happened last year, not Monday. Oh…that's right, you don't know about that night, do you? Ask him about the night he almost destroyed everything. The night Rosier tried to rape you."

I breathe in quickly as his words hit me, my mind wandering back to a night I have tried desperately to forget. I can feel myself begin to shake as the memories come flooding back.

"W-What do you mean?" I whisper as my mind reiterates the experience over and over again.

The multitude of wounds that covered my body.

The deep wall of depression that surrounded me for months afterward.

The free-flowing tears that I thought would never come to an end.

Yes, I recollect it all too well.

"When you and James started dating for what will officially be a year ago tomorrow, we never expected your relationship to almost destroy us. When he searched for you and he found you lying on the floor…when he saw the blood leaking from your mouth, your hair tangled and matted, and your uniform torn to shreds, he snapped. He just went mad.

"And after he cleaned you up and left you that night, he went after Rosier. And he did, indeed, find him. It took all three of us—Remus, Peter, and myself—to pull James off. He kept yelling that he wanted to kill him and he would have if we hadn't found him first. Rosier was just lying there, more battered and broken than even you had been, which was what James had intended to do. He wanted to break every bone in his body. He almost killed a boy with his bare hands because of you, Lily."

My trembling hand instantly flies to my mouth and I turn my back to him. I didn't know about this.

James had never mentioned a word to me about it.

"Little did we know…he knew more than we could possibly even imagine," he gives me a sad smile before he carries on, "The whole time, he was already calculating how he could use that secret plus his wounds from the beating against us. He knew what destruction he could cause for not only us, but James' father as well.

"As you very well know by now, James' dad is a well-to-do Ministry official. Anything and everything that happens in his life can make or break him. But Rosier's father is too. One letter to him or one slip of the tongue to Dumbledore about anything could have severe consequences for James' father. How would it look for a top Ministry official if his son was expelled for attempted murder?"

I begin to move to the window as Sirius' words burn into my memory.

Words I'm sure I'll never forget, ever.

My heart aches from the knowledge that James kept this hidden from everyone, primarily me.

The one it all comes back to in the end.

"We tried to obliviate his memory—specifically, _I_ tried to obliviate it. I was afraid that if James even thought about raising his wand, he would finish him off. But I was so distraught with the events of that night that I half-arsed the spell, only doing very little to our benefit. Looking back on it, I realize that Remus should've done it. He was more composed at the time. We didn't find that out until the next day how badly the spell went.

"Rosier's banged up body was found by Slughorn a couple of hours later and he was still unconscious. He was taken to the hospital where he stayed about a week to recover. We found it odd that during his stay, he hadn't spoken a word. Claimed he was beaten so badly that he couldn't recall the person responsible. At first, we thought he truly _had_ forgotten and the spell had worked. But then, after he was released, he came straight to us and he laid out everything. He remembered bits and pieces--faces--from the beating and when he saw the scars left on his body, he put two and two together.

"We also think he knows about Remus' condition," I didn't even have to ask what he meant by that; I'd put two and two together long before they chose to share the secret with me themselves, "…and exactly how he found out."

His eyes narrow as he looks at the wall, then back at me.

"It could be our own paranoia. He might not have the slightest clue. But we can't afford to risk it. We knew we couldn't risk another memory charm, especially after the first one failed so badly. If anyone found out and the charm was reversed or traced back, we would be in even more hot water. So we did the only other thing that popped into our minds at that moment; we paid him off.

"And we still pay him off. Each month, Evan Rosier receives galleons from James, Remus, and I to keep his mouth shut."

The tears I've been fighting for so long are now flowing freely down my face and I struggle to wipe them away. I simply can't believe what I'm hearing.

"We pay him because he tried to rape you."

My eyes fly to him quickly after he finishes that sentence and I see him cringe. He didn't arrange for those words to come out the way they did.

Or at least I_ hope_ he didn't.

"We pay him to be silent and not lay a finger on you, which he clearly did last Monday."

"Why didn't he tell me," I speak softly as my heart hunts for an answer to James' ambiguity.

"Because he doesn't want you to suffer. He knows how painful all of that was…still is, at times. He's convinced that the truth would destroy you and he would rather break himself and our friendship than cause you any harm. Don't you get it? **He loves you**. You're his number one priority. He drops everything in a millisecond for you. _Everything_."

I fall into the nearest chair and slouch against it, rubbing my sore and stinging eyes, and Sirius persists with this revelation.

"It's destroying us. No matter what's going on in his life, he'll run to your side whenever you need him or even when you don't. He almost missed a full moon once because he was with you."

_What?_

"He…what?"

"I said he almost missed a full moon because he was with you. I was out there by myself, trying to hold back…you know…and he was in here with you."

I place my elbow on the edge of the chair and lay my head in my hand. We both sit quietly for a few minutes, each of us fighting desperately to avoid the others fierce looks.

"He told me it would be okay for a few minutes. He said you-"

"He lied."

I feel like I'm being stabbed in the heart again and again as these new discoveries come to light. The blunt tone used by my friend when he uttered those two words seconds ago is painful, but it's nothing compared to the ache of knowing that there's truth behind them.

"I'm scared, Lil. I'm scared that I'm losing everything. I'm scared that I'm losing my sanity and my friends, the closest I've ever come to having a genuine family."

He stops momentarily, takes a deep breath, before he moves his eyes to mine and I can't move them away.

"Because of you."

Dropping my head into my hands, I let the hot, salty tears trickle down my face and fall onto my lap. The scuffling of his boots against the burgundy rug is the only noise that is reaching my ears.

I can't look at him, the broken man standing just a short distance away. I can't look at him because whether I want to own up to it or not, he's right.

I watch as he opens the portrait, steps out, and turns to face me for the last time this early morning.

"You hold the key to our friendship in the palm of your hand. What will you do with it?"


	10. 9: Goodbye

**Disclaimer:** What have I been telling you this whole time? If you still think these characters are mine, you clearly haven't been paying close attention.

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE**  
Chapter 9**: Goodbye

'_This was love at first sight, love everlasting:  
a feeling unknown, unhoped for, unexpected –  
in so far as it could be a matter of conscious awareness;  
it took entire possession of him, and he understood,  
with joyous amazement,  
that this was for life…'_

_-Thomas Mann_

* * *

_**James' POV**_

**November 20, 1976  
Saturday**

_I can't keep my eyes off of her._

_The redhead sitting just a few good strides away from me, her long, scarlet hair divided into two plaits that fall gracefully onto her shoulders. She's been scribbling feverishly with her black-feathered quill for the past 20 minutes while she sits alone underneath the willow tree. _

_I want to talk to her, hold her, kiss her so badly. But I told myself that I wouldn't hassle her this year. This year, I would let the chips fall where they may. _

_But that doesn't mean I can't watch as they fall. _

_I am crouched behind a large thorny bush (almost large enough to conceal my tall frame, anyway), observing her through the intricate weave of small branches. She draws her knees to her chest, a gentle smile and a light pink hue creeping onto her face every now and then. _

_Even for the young age of 15, she is the most attractive girl that I've ever seen. Sirius tells me that I should go out with girls who look like Marlene McKinnon, one of the girl's best friends. He says, "She's the best looking bird in the whole damn school."_

_But Marlene doesn't draw my attention. _

_Truthfully, only her friend, the girl sitting beneath the shade tree, fascinates me. _

_She doesn't follow the crowd and she stands up for what she believes in, displaying her blazing temper when necessary (most of those times have been at me). She doesn't wear those dark rings around her eyes like so many girls our age who try to seem 'mature'. She's just herself, wholesome and caring and so incredibly genuine. _

_And I've never met anyone like her. _

_From the corner of my eye, I can see a group coming closer and I can hear the giggles, but my focus is still on her. Suddenly, Sirius comes into view. Marlene is hot on his heels as he runs behind the willow tree where Lily is sitting, trying to hide from the young beauty. Lily instantly jerks the parchment securely against her, but it's too late. Sirius has already spotted her guarded actions and the familiar glint of mischief is alive and kicking in his eyes._

"_Well, well, well…what do we have here?"_

"_It's nothing, Sirius, go away," she says as she shifts in her position, turning her back to him._

_But no protest will prevent my mischievous friend from finding out what's on that parchment. He quietly sneaks up behind her and reaches his arm around, snatching the parchment and running across the lawn in my direction as a mortified Lily chases after him. _

"_Please, don't!" She shouts, begging him to return it to her. _

_He unexpectedly takes a moment to pause and read whatever's written on the pillaged article in his hand. I'm no longer hiding behind the bush and as he brings his cool gray eyes to mine, an impish smile begins to grow._

"_I got something I think you'd like to see, James."_

_Sirius offers me the parchment and as I reach for it, I manage to look into Lily's tear-filled eyes before she dashes away from us and makes for the castle. My eyes linger on her retreating figure before I look down at the parchment. _

_The butterflies dance in my belly when I read her elegant cursive._

_**Lily Potter. Lily Evans-Potter. Lily Catharine Evans-Potter. Lily Catharine Potter. **_

_**Lily & James Potter.**_

_Different variations of her name combined with my surname are repeated from corner to corner in an assortment of shapes and sizes, but it's our names nevertheless. _

_When I finally lift my head, Sirius is no longer teasing. Instead, he motions toward the castle entrance. I hastily fold the parchment containing our names and stuff it into my pocket. _

_I search anywhere and everywhere. In the classrooms, the common room, even the great hall, silently cursing myself for not thinking of the Marauders Map. I'm on the verge of quitting when I hear a weak sob from somewhere behind me. Looking around, I can make out the outline of someone huddled in a niche in the wall. _

_And there she is._

_Her arms have pulled her knees up to her chest as tight as they'll possibly go. Tears flow in two separate rivers down her flushed face. _

"_Hey, Lily."_

_Her swollen green eyes shoot to mine at the sound of my voice, not bothering to hide her surprise. _

_"Leave me alone, James," She buries her face in her hands, trying to prevent me from seeing her cry. _

_"Why?"_

"_You must hate me."_

"_Lily, I-"_

"_Or you might even laugh at me. Go on, have a good laugh at foolish little Lily."_

_I take a seat alongside her on the hard floor, giving her an adequate amount of breathing room so she can feel more at ease. _

"_Lily, I'm not going to do either of those things."_

_She shirks my stare and shakes her head, sending her plaits flying from the shuffle._

"_Why wouldn't you? You have every right. You've liked me for so long and I was absolutely horrid to you, and now you know how I feel about you and we're supposed to be friends and you've made it pretty obvious that you're over me and-"_

_I place a finger over her plump, cherry lips to hush her so I can get to the point. _

"_What makes you think that?"_

_Those beautiful eyes that glisten with so much dejection and dread meet mine at last._

"_You haven't asked me out all year and you don't stare at me in class anymore. You grew up and now you're over me. You probably realized how dull I am. I don't blame you for moving on, I really don't."_

_Like a dagger in my heart, he words cut right through me. It's clear that she's been listening to the wrong people. _

_And this time, I can't resist the urge to take her by the hand _

"_Let me tell you a few secrets. Yes, I've grown up. Yes, I've stopped asking you out. Yes, I've stopped staring at you frequently. _

"_But no, you've never been 'dull' to me. No, I've never moved on. And no, regardless of what you think or what people have told you, I'm far from being over you. I don't think I can get over you. And I don't think I want to."_

_Her wide eyes stare into mine and I can tell that she's torn, she's not sure if she should trust me. I can't think of anything to say that will reassure her, so I lean forward and brush my lips against hers. Nothing intimate, just a small, but sweet amount of contact._

_My lips are on fire; they have to be from the spark that passed between us. _

_I reluctantly pull away and take in her satisfied smile and rosy cheeks. A smile graces my face as well and I sling an arm around her shoulders, effectively pulling her to me. _

"_Lily Potter…" The syllables roll off my tongue as I pronounce them quietly, "Do you like that name?" _

_With a giggle, she tilts her head back and looks up at me with her doe eyes._

"_I do."_

I fiddle with the small item in my hand, a memory from roughly one year ago streaming through my mind.

A memory that I will never, ever fail to remember for as long as my mentality lingers.

"I like it, too."

I examine the tiny loop as it shimmers and twirls around the tip of my pinky finger, thinking about the owner of the hand that will be donning it for life.

The woman who has held each and every one of my senses captive since day one. The woman who I can see giving birth to my children.

The woman I want to share the rest of my life with.

A silver halo surrounded by diamonds; the halo that holds sway over my all of my dreams and wishes.

Beautiful, sophisticated, and rare…just like the woman for whom it was designed.

Undeniably gorgeous.

Merlin only knows how long I've wanted this, dreamt of it. Waking up every the day with my arms wrapped firmly around her and ending it in the same way.

She made me a better person from her constant rejections. She, along with a few other obstacles in my life, made me realize that if I wanted to become a man, I needed to start acting like one. And when she did finally say yes, she filled a hole in my heart that I never knew existed.

Two hours later, I'm strolling into the Gryffindor common room with my broom in hand, remembering the trick staircase that leads to the girls' dorm. Patting the pocket of coat my once more, just to be certain that I have everything to make this night perfect.

I'm preparing to take flight when a feminine voice catches my attention.

A voice I haven't heard in quite some time.

Marlene's.

"Hey James, is practice over?" She asks as she walks over to me, the corners of her mouth twitching upward.

"Yeah, now I'm looking for my girl. Is she in your dorm?"

She smiles slightly and nods. "I don't even want to know what kind of plans you made tonight, but I can tell by that look on your face that it's going to be big. But yeah, she's up there."

I'm about to take flight when Marlene's voice stops me once again.

"Uh, James, have you had the chance to talk to her any other time today?" Successive to her question, an apprehensive look sweeps over her face.

My eyes narrow in thought before I shake my head, "No, I haven't talked to her since she left for your dorm last night. Why, is something wrong?"

She shrugs and tosses me a nervous smile.

"It's most likely nothing. She's just been a little moody, keeping to herself. She was really quiet last night and I thought maybe you knew why. My guess is that the pressure of being Head Girl is catching up with her. I'm sure they've kept you both busy."

"Yeah, maybe that's it."

But as I hop onto my broom and veer up the staircase, my intuition tells me that we're both mistaken.

My intuition tells me that something is very wrong.

I come to a stop just outside the door that I know belongs to Marlene and Alice and I pause, waiting to hear the sound of a giggling fit between Lily and Alice or her voice singing loud and off-key to one of her favorite muggle songs.

But I hear none of that. I hear nothing at all.

_Calm down. You're going to take her out, show her the time of her life, and propose. Everything will be fine._

My clammy hand slides onto the door handle and I twist it to the right. My nerves are getting the best of me.

Everything will be fine…

I take a look around and notice that torches aren't lit and the lamps aren't glowing. The only light is coming from the partly cloudy sky peeking through the windows, bathing the room in a blindingly white glow.

And on one side of the room, sitting in a fetal position by one of the windows, is Lily.

She's perfectly still, almost like a sculpture in a museum. Even from my position by the door, I can see that her eyes are puffy and bloodshot. She surveys the mountain in the distance, her eyes never breaking away to look at the intruder of her haven.

No movement at all.

The knot in my stomach clenches.

_Everything will be fine…_

But I know it won't.

Because this isn't just about a sixth sense anymore, it's about what I'm seeing.

This isn't the girl I left standing in our common room last night. This isn't the girl who told me that she'd be all right.

This isn't the Lily that I know and love.

I'm standing just a few feet away from her now, but it's as though I've never entered the room at all. And for the first time, I see what's lying in her lap: a framed sepia photograph of us, dancing and twirling about in the wind. We're both laughing and joking and looking so ideal, such a mighty contrast with the tension between us right now.

"Hey, why the long face?"

She doesn't say anything, her eyes never parting from the view.

Pulling up the nearest chair, I place my hand on her shoulder and knead it tenderly with my fingers.

Even now, she doesn't stir.

We remain this way for a few minutes. Sitting quietly while I try desperately to interpret what is wrong.

I can't stand seeing her upset, and I really can't stand it when I don't even know what put her in this state. I hate not knowing what thoughts, good or bad, are twisting and turning in her head. Especially when they cause her to isolate herself like this.

But that sick, boiling feeling has returned. Whatever the predicament is, it's had a tremendous emotional impact.

And finally after so long, she speaks.

Her voice is gruff and she swallows, never flinching a muscle as she finally speaks.

"The night of the full moon…was Sirius really able to hold off Remus on his own, just like you told me?"

My mind scrambles, trying to make sense of what she's saying.

"What?"

"The last full moon? When you were helping me?"

Sucking in a great breath of air, I look down at the hand that was once being used in an attempt to stroke the stress out of her. I know what night she's referring to now.

"He was able to for a little while, but no. I play a big part in defending him. But he's fast, he's able to run away and distract him. You needed me. You had a report due the next day. It didn't take that long to finish and he seemed fine with it."

And yet again, I'm met with stillness. Her eyes do not leave the window. She doesn't even bat an eyelash.

Three minutes elapse.

Five and a half minutes.

Eight minutes.

Twelve minutes and nineteen seconds.

Not a word, not a sound, not an improvement. Nothing.

I've been fidgeting in my seat for the better part of my time in here, but my gaze is trained on her. Her behavior screams of indifference.

I don't even recognize the person sitting perpendicular to me. The woman I love is animated and clever and joyful, not this angst-ridden girl that I'm seeing now.

Then she speaks the words that I'd hoped she's never say. I'd moved heaven and earth to guarantee that she would never have to speak them, that she would never have to wonder.

"What about Evan Rosier?"

"Lily…"

And then the eyes are directly on mine. Those bright green eyes that are normally shining with love for me now hold so much doubt.

"Please, just tell me it isn't true. Tell me it's all a lie and I'll believe you, I swear."

I want to lie so badly…I want to be able to look straight into her eyes and say I didn't. I want to spare her heart. And mine.

But I can't. For one, I can't do that to her. I can't lie to her face. And two, even if I could, I know she'll see right through me. She knows me better than anyone. I've kept this hidden for far too long.

"I was protecting you-"

"Why weren't you protecting yourself? The guys? Your father?"

"My father? What the hell do we have to do with my father? And I said to hell with the Marauder lifestyle a long time ago. You mean so much more to me…"

"Will you just listen to yourself? They're your best friends and family, James, your family! You have such a history together; you can't just say that and pretend they don't matter. You've got to stop doing this. You can't keep pushing every other aspect of your life aside for me. And as much as I'd like for you to be with me 24/7, I can't let you do it."

"Lil," I plead as I seize her hands and hold them to my torso.

"I won't let you do it."

An onslaught of tears erupts from her eyes and I yank the chair away, kneeling on both knees directly in front of her.

"Don't say that. I love you! Don't you see that? I did it for you. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. Rosier deserved it."

She looks away from me as tears start to fall down her face.

"Your friends don't deserve it, though. Sirius shouldn't have to pay. Remus-"

"Remus would have suffered anyway depending on if he does in fact know our secret. But money talks, Lil. And what about you? Did you think I was going to pretend that what I saw didn't bother me? For the love of Merlin, there was so much blood…"

"I remember that night very well, thank you, and I don't need a recap! But it wasn't your place, James! You had—**have**—too much riding on your shoulders and you shouldn't have risked it. I could've handled it myself."

I rise to my feet, my mind overflowing with so many suppositions and fear spreading through my veins like a wildfire.

What made this happen? When I saw her last night, she was fine. We were fine.

What could've possibly caused _this_?

"Really? You think you could've handled it," I jeer, "You would've handled it alright, just like you handled it when he attacked you."

Instantly, I regret those words upon facing the loathsome glare that she throws my way. Her hands swiftly wrench away from mine and she stands, keeping her back to me.

"Leave."

I can't draw a breath. I can't move. I can't feel my own heart beating.

I'm certain it stopped functioning after that lone order.

She doesn't mean what she's saying, she can't. 

_She can't._ _She can't._ _She can't._

"Lily…"

She rushes across the room and jerks the door open, gesturing for me to walk through it.

"Go, James. You're only going to make this even more complicated."

Virtually running over to her, I grab her arms and command her to look at me.

"Tell me where I went wrong? All I've ever done was love and protect you. What did I do? Just listen to me! I know you don't want to do this, not really."

She shakes her head as tears slide uncontrollably down her face.

"Leave!"

I stagger as she shoves me with all of her power, but I move back to her without a second thought and hold her against me.

"I'm so sorry, Lil. I'm so sorry, I should've told you everything. I should've been straightforward from the start. If I could go back in time, I would tell you. I love you so much."

For a second—only a fleeting second—she unwinds at my touch, but then she's right back to fighting me all over again. Her small hands grip the material of my shirt and force me to release her.

"Go away," her voice is hoarse and she's trembling from an indistinct emotion. Anger, sadness, fear...right now, it's all a blur.

I'm about to protest once more, but I'm cut short at the sound of voices coming closer.

"I can't _believe_ you know how to do that-"

A giggling, red-faced Alice and her boyfriend, Frank Longbottom, stumble through the door. The jubilant smiles on their face quickly vanish as they observe the situation.

"We're through. I want you to leave."

A small voice next to me whispers those words and I freeze.

She turns to Alice and gives her a long look that seemingly speaks a thousand words. Alice then moves toward me, her expression wrought with compassion.

"I think you should do what she says, James."

I'm caught between eyeballing Lily and Alice when I feel a hand on my shoulder, gradually leading me en route for the door.

"Frank, let me go," I shake the hand off and glower at him, someone I consider a dear friend. I would've never pictured myself roaring at this man like I did just now, not in a million years.

But he does not make a scene. Instead, he looks at me with utmost benevolence.

"It would be a good idea if you listen to her, give her space. It's obvious she needs to think about something and you're not accomplishing anything by hanging around. Do yourself a favor and just let it be."

Paying no heed to his wise sermon, I aim to make my way to her again but Alice blocks my path.

My height is considerably greater than Alice's, so I'm able to look over her head with ease. And if my heart hasn't splintered by now, it certainly does when I see Lily's slumped posture and tear-stained face.

"Lily…please…"

I give one last plea and behold her grave countenance.

"Goodbye, James."

Those words, those two, quick words, sink in and I squeeze my eyes shut.

I can't believe what I'm hearing. I just can't believe it.

Frank's hand locks onto my bicep again, jarring me from me back to this cruel reality. When I slowly open my lids, her dark green collides with my hazel.

Suddenly, I'm a sailboat being tossed about at sea, a massive wave of emotion thrashing me with such ferocity and I'm drowning in the undercurrent. Everything that's been buried during our entire conversation (if you can call it that) comes to light and pulls me overboard.

Misery. Resolve. Shame.

All of it is exposed.

There's nothing left to say, no words that can heal what's been broken.

I glance at the dismayed faces of Alice and Frank and dig into my coat pocket, extract the black velvet box, and hurriedly wipe the tears that are seeping from the corners of my eyes.

_The halo that holds sway over my all of my dreams and wishes. _

_The woman I want to share the rest of my life with._

"Happy anniversary, Lily."

Hurling the box at her feet, I walk away, willing myself to not look back at my 'what might have been'.

A white gown. A black tux. Wedding vows. A pair of 'I do's' sealed with a kiss.

The vision I've held for so long has slipped through my fingertips.


	11. 10: One Fell Swoop

**Disclaimer:**Read the first few pages if you don't know by now.

**A/N:** Wow, 23 reviews for the last chapter…that is insane! All I can do is say 'thank you' profusely and hope that it won't be the last time I get a surprise like that :D This chapter is Lily's side of the aftermath. Just a little warning: **this is **_**not**_** a happy chapter. **This could be the saddest chapter of the story yet, but I'll leave that up to you to decide. What can you expect? A very sad Lily and a heart-to-heart with Marlene.

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE**  
Chapter 10:** One Fell Swoop

_**Lily's POV**_

**November 20, 1976  
Saturday**

It's astonishing—the destruction caused by words, the sentiments they can evoke.

I love you. I hate you.

Stay with me forever. Leave me alone.

And it took just two words to annihilate the best thing that's ever happened to me. It took two simple words to throw away my dreams, his plans, and our love.

"Goodbye, James."

Two concise words that speak volumes.

But those two words will save the most dedicated group of friends that I have ever known.

And those eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes that enchant me every time I look into them, show the product of my words.

I don't have to see the tears; he doesn't have to say anything.

All I have to do is look into his eyes and I instantly know what I've just done.

I'm breaking so much more than our relationship. I'm breaking his heart.

James is so remarkable and powerful, and for him to suddenly become so susceptible and helpless is inconceivable. I don't think I've ever seen this side of him.

And all I can do is watch as the tears fall without restraint. Listen to his unspoken pleas for me to spare him from this hell.

I'm fully aware of his thoughts, for they are also in my mind.

_She isn't doing this. She isn't saying this. _

_She's not really going to throw it all away. The years I devoted to her, the change I went through to deserve her. She's not giving up after a_year_; she's not. _

_This is not happening. _

But it is.

And I am.

Those words did come from my mouth. I am throwing it all away. I am letting the only person I've ever loved go.

And right now, I'd give anything if I could jump into his arms and softly whisper how daft I was for even thinking of such things. Remind him how much I love him over and over again.

Let him hold me and while I listen to the rhythm of his heart as it drums in his chest, knowing that it beats just for me.

I want to hear the rumbling of his deep voice. Feel the warmth of his touch. Breathe in the scent that could only belong to him.

I want all of those things, but I can't have them.

My head is turned, but I know he's staring at me. I can feel the heat of it bearing down on my back.

Begging.

Slowly breaking me just as I broke to him a moment ago.

But I'm not moving. I'm not making a sound.

When I take a sidelong glimpse at him, I see him delve into his coat pocket, but my eyes don't move from his face. With his free hand, he wipes the tears that have managed to escape.

"Happy anniversary, Lily."

The item in his hand is forcefully launched and it lands on the ground with a low 'thud'. He then departs from the room with a little help from Frank, never looking back.

No peek over the shoulder, no final farewell.

The whole time, my feet are glued to the floor and I'm staring at the spot he vacated just seconds before.

As soon as the fabric of his coat disappears around the corner, a gnawing feeling grows in my stomach. He was such a big part of my life, whether he was the nagging boy who chased me for years or the mature man who finally caught me.

Now I have neither.

Alice vacated the room roughly a minute after James and Frank, decidedly leaving me to realize the gravity of the situation.

And as I look around my portion of the dorm, I choke out a sob.

Folded neatly in my trunk is the uniform he gave me and although I can't see it, the muscle beneath my breast tightens just knowing it's there. And by my bedside table are the pictures. There are several pictures of family and friends, but they're mostly pictures of us.

Pictures like the one lying on the cold floor by the window.

I know it won't be long before the rumor mill of Hogwarts begins to rotate. Already, I can feel their vile glares and smirks and hear their nasty remarks.

But emotionally, I only feel despair.

I can't move my gaze away from the door face.

Maybe he'll come back. Maybe we can go back to the way things were. Maybe we can erase what I've done, erase Sirius' words from my mind, and maybe, just maybe, I won't have to erase him from my life.

That little flicker of hope is shining, but it's slowly being extinguished with each wasted minute.

I know that my words have sealed the deal. He won't return and continue begging. He won't corner me in the halls and demand that I give him another chance. He won't write to me and explain his feelings.

He won't do any of that because I inadvertently asked him not to.

When I told him to leave, he took those words to heart. And now I miss that boy who went against the grain. Went against everything I told him. For the past year, I had a man that listened, obeyed. And that man, no matter how much he doesn't want to, will listen to me again.

"Lily..."

A warm hand fastens onto my arm and I don't recoil, but I don't acknowledge it either. All I can think of are those two words that put an end to it all.

_Goodbye, James._

For the first time, I get a good peek at the object that was lobbed at me.

Nerves take over as I stoop to pick up the velvet box that lies at my feet, my hand quivering. With the box gripped firmly in my palm, I dash into the bathroom and slam the door behind me. Just as I reach to adjust the lock, my name is repeated by a feminine voice.

"Lily, please open up."

I ignore it.

The bathroom of the dorm is rather small and I'm slightly claustrophobic, but right now I don't care. There are other things—_worse_ things—that are causing my breath to stick in my throat other than the undersized room.

Soreness from my collision with the wall is only minor. I slowly slide down its flat surface and land roughly on the marble floor. Salty tears are rolling down my face and splattering against the tile, a fact I finally noticed when a drop grazed the sensitive skin of my hand.

Wiping my watery eyes with the back of my other hand, I stare at the box.

A box fit for a ring. A very special ring.

I'm so afraid to open it because I know what I'll find. What I'll find is something that will amplify the hurt tenfold.

It's something that I'd premeditated since I was a little girl, a little fantasist, dreaming of gliding down the aisle on my hesitant father's arm in an elegant white dress. Smiling at my future husband as he waits by the altar, love and admiration shining in his eyes. Ending an old life while welcoming the start of another.

If only I had known…

Today—exactly one year after we were officially declared a couple—would've been the day I became his fiancé. He was going to fulfill my childhood fantasies and his teenage dreams. And on the day when those dreams and fantasies would become a glorious reality, I chose to salvage the youthful dreams of our friends.

Trembling fingers edge toward the opening, lifting it little by little. When it's fully open, the breath in my lungs is all but gone. Momentarily banish the negative thoughts, I drink in the sight of luminous circle.

Just as I predicted, it's beautiful.

It's ideal.

It's everything I anticipated and more.

Nothing too extravagant or flashy, but it's gorgeous. He knew exactly what I'd want, which is exactly what I'm not worthy of at the present time.

I remove the ring from its slot and lay it delicately in the palm of my hand. The crystal clear diamond glitters in the light, but I can't see the silver band or the precious rock.

I only see my hopes and wishes.

I only see _him_.

His tall physique kneeling down before me, poised on one knee. His sparkling eyes and that unbalanced smile. The handsome features I love so much. His hand holding mine as he lovingly slips the small loop on my left ring finger.

And those beautiful visions are quickly replaced with the images I've created, the images that are the reality. His face knotted in agony, his tear-filled eyes, and his pleading voice. Unalterable descriptions that will never go away.

"Merlin, James, I'm so sorry."

_So very sorry. _

That inadequate apology leaves my lips and reverberates against the walls, the ceiling, the porcelain, anything and everything it encounters. And here I sit with my bum on the floor, head in my hands, receiving the brunt of my measures.

Just as I'm being engulfed in my desolation, I hear the soft 'click' of the door and I feel two arms enveloping me. Immediately, I give into their hold.

I know exactly who it is.

These arms belong to a woman who did the same unpleasant task not so long ago in a dorm very similar to ours. The only difference is that she ended it because he wasn't enough.

I ended it because James was too much.

"What have I done? Merlin, Marlene, what have I done?"

"Shhh…it's going to be okay. Settle down, sweetie."

Her voice, so soft and reassuring, reminds me so much of my mother's, the woman I need so badly right now. Her arms cradle me like a child and I rest my head against her chest, letting her rock me back and forth. I feel as though I'm six years old again, climbing into my parent's bed as a bad storm bears down on our two-story house.

I need this feeling so desperately right now.

She pulls out of the hold and holds each side of my face with her warm hands.

"Now, can you tell me what happened? Why you're hunkered down in this bathroom bawling your pretty little eyes out?"

The fringe of my hair slides into my eyes as I shake my head, but she quickly moves it away to get a clear view of my eyes. I don't know how to explain the nightmare that just occurred.

"He doesn't understand. I had to do it."

Her quizzical, dark blue eyes analyze my face like it could hold the answers to all of her questions. With the pad of her thumb, she wipes away the stray tears as they spill down my cheeks and her other hand gently works through the tangles in my hair.

"What did you have to do?"

Looking down at the floor repentantly, I search for the right words to verbalize.

"I had to end it. It's been the four of them since we were first years. I can't take that away. I won't let him make any more sacrifices for me. He's already done enough."

The familiar sting of fresh tears has returned and I look her dead in the eye.

"I'm tearing their friendship apart."

Clearly, those were not the words she was expecting. Her confused eyes are wide and perplexed. She takes a deep breath, running a hand through her silky chestnut-brown hair.

"Lily, you're the most unselfish person I know. Everyone knows that the last thing you would ever do would be to tear the Marauders apart. You're practically one of them. They love you. _James_ loves you. How could you even think that you're doing such a thing? Why?"

Pulling out of her hug and off of the floor, I walk out of the bathroom and let her words sink into my heart. I just can't come to grips with them.

"Because it's the truth! I'm taking James away from his friends. He's spending more and more time with me and less with them. If their friendship does fade, I don't want it to be over me. I couldn't live with myself knowing it's my fault."

Merely speaking those words causes my head to pound because I know they're spot on. She seems to take my words to heart, bowing her head and curving her gaze from my own. She's knows I'm telling the truth. Everyone does. Just like me, they have been wearing rose-colored glasses.

"When James and I started going out, it's like we became instant celebrities. I guess it's where everyone thought we were destined to be together or something. But you've seen it, Marlene. We can't walk down the fucking hallway anymore without people stopping and giving us their piece. I know the other three are sick of it. They have to be. It's dividing them and it wouldn't be right for me to sit back and watch and act as if I don't see it."

I spin around and walk over to my trunk but I don't dare open it. Not only does it contain the tailored uniform, but also my dress that I packed for this evening. Black, knee length and spaghetti strapped with a warm overcoat; just for right for the occasion, but there will be no celebration tonight.

"What do you think you're solving by doing this? Breaking up with James is not going to cure whatever problems the Marauders are having. Do you honestly think things will go back to the way they were before? People grow up, Lil. They grow apart. That's life. They're not eleven year olds anymore. They can't continue tricking people for the rest of their lives. We're going to graduate, we're going to move on, and we're going to become a part of the war whether we want to be or not. We might even start families."

An inkling of melancholy flickers over her face, but it quickly diminishes as she persists with her lecture.

"By doing this, by ending your relationship, you're only hurting James and yourself. You're making yourself unhappy. And you know how Hogwarts works. Everybody's going to wonder what happened and they're going to point fingers. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about."

Ambling over to me, she reaches for my hand and the fire in her infinite sapphire eyes dwindles just a bit.

"Is it worth surrendering your relationship? Is it worth throwing it all away? Is it what you really _want_?"

I shake my head as I look into her bewildered eyes.

"It's not a question about what I want or not. I have to make an effort. I can't let him shelter me forever. What's more, I would rather people condemn me for breaking his heart than accuse me of breaking up the Marauders."

A derisive laugh fills the room and she turns her back to me, for which I'm grateful. The frustration and conviction in her eyes is too much.

"So that's that, huh? It's that easy, is it? You're just going to throw the former year away, not to mention all of the years he spent trying to win your affections, and move on?"

I nod my head but still avoid her gaze.

"Then stop staring at that box if it's so bloody simple. Give it back to him so he can give it to some other girl."

I turn quickly and look at her.

"I had a suspicion that he was going to ask today. I talked to him just before he came here and he was on cloud nine. Grinning from ear to ear, raring to fly up here and get the day started. He couldn't wait to make you his fiancé. A while back, when Sirius and I were still together, I overheard them talking. He said he already had the ring and the moment he slipped it onto your finger, he would be the happiest man alive. And he wanted to spend the rest of his life making you happy."

Every word she speaks slashes at my heart and a long pause separates her speech from mine.

"That's precisely the problem. He's always by my side, always worried, always caring too damn much for his own good. He sees me more than he sees Sirius, Remus, and Peter. For some reason, things are already strained between James and Sirius and if he slipped this ring on my finger, it would've gotten worse. And the worst part is that James would've been okay with it. He wouldn't even care. But what about Remus? Sirius? Peter? What about _them_?"

"But what about James, Lily? What about _James_? If you want him to back off a little, then tell him that, but that's no reason to end it. He'd understand. The boy is fully smitten with you and he'd go right along with whatever you told him."

"It's not that simple…"

"And why not?!?"

Her scorching eyes bore into me as she paces by the window, arms crossed in irritation.

"Let me ask you a something. Where's all of this coming from? I know you love the blokes and you're concerned about their well-being and all that, but this has never bothered you before. You've never doubted it like this. Is it about some nasty story you've heard? Did someone say something?"

Flashbacks from the previous night play in my head. I should tell her the truth. I should… but I can't. I can't admit that Sirius gave me this insight. If I did, I would prompt the same situation that I've been trying to prevent.

"No. No one said anything."

Though she won't say it out loud, I know she doesn't believe a word of it. She'll give me her views, but she won't pester me about it. Marlene is a good friend and she'll tolerate my mistakes. She'll also be here to raise my spirits when I become fully conscious of my blunders.

"I really don't understand. You know what's ironic? I would give _anything_ to have been in your shoes earlier. I would give anything at all just to have Sirius look at me like James looks at you. Like I was the only thing in the world he would want to see for the rest of his life. And I would certainly give anything to be his number one priority. But I guess not all of us can get what we want, right?"

Taking a few steps in my direction, she looks at the pictures on my nightstand and then at the one lying by the window. Lifting it off the floor, her fingers trace the edge of the frame and her eyes wander over the moving image of James and I.

An image I can't stomach at this point in time.

"You're so lucky, Lil. You're so lucky and you don't even know it. You've found someone who would shoot the moon and capture the stars if he knew it would make you smile. He would do all of that just for a_ smile_. Merlin, before sixth year, he would do all of that just to catch your eye. Do you know how many girls can say they have that? Not many, myself included. We all dream about it, but very few of us are fortunate enough to find it. And you have, Lily, you've found it."

Falling forward, she hauls me into a snug embrace. As we separate, her hands grip my arms and hold me steady.

"They're not the Beatles and you're definitely not Yoko Ono. You can't listen to what everyone else is saying because _they _aren't of your concern. What they say is neither here nor there. All that matters is that you love James and James loves you. It doesn't matter what you told him or what anyone tells either of you. Nothing can change what's meant to be. I thought you already knew that, but I guess I was wrong."

Her deep gaze locks with mine and she scrutinizes me, investigating for the slightest crack in the wall I've built that will provide any sort of clarification. A logical reason for why I did this, why I chose to break two hearts, one of them being my own, in the span of twenty minutes. And as her eyes probe mine, I can only remember Sirius's abrasive words from the night before.

"_Lily, you hold a key in your hand. You hold the fate of our friendship within your fingertips. _

"_What will you do with it?"_

I've handed over the key. I've given him back his friends and his family. I've given him back the only thing that matters to him.

And in one fell swoop, I watched the only thing that matters to me walk out of the door.

But I know I'm doing the right thing. Forgoing my desires for the people I love. In order for my conscious to be clear, this is the way it must be.

So why does it hurt so much?

Both of us let the silence communicate what's inexpressible. All the while, she stares at me carefully before planting a kiss on the crown of my head and turning to leave. She pauses by the frame, getting one last look at me before she walks out.

"I hope you understand what you've done."


	12. 11: Worth The Fight

**Disclaimer**: Not mine...again.

**A/N**: Twenty-freakin-eight reviews! Holy hell…I think I'm going to faint. Seriously, that is amazing. Over 200 reviews for 11 chapters…I am just speechless. This story is averaging 18.32 (rounded, lol) reviews per chapter. Woot! God, I'm such a nerd :D And then I looked at the number of hits it has received, which increased to 11,151 while I'm typing this. Seriously, this is amazing. I was hoping this story would be well liked but I never dreamt of this. All of you are astounding, that is for sure. And I think I'm starting to hyperventilate…

Thank you, _thank_ you, thank _you_!!!

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE**  
Chapter 11**: Worth The Fight

_**James' POV**_

**November 20, 1976  
Saturday**

I've suffered my fair share of pain.

I've been hurt emotionally by people who scarcely hold any significance in my life (if any at all).

I've been hurt by those I love and those I've trusted.

I've been injured during several duels and have the scars from the hexes to show for it.

I was hurt when I watched my parents _really_ argue for the first time and listened as my mum threatened divorce.

I thought that no amount pain could exceed what I felt as I helped bear the casket of my little cousin to the mausoleum.

And even after all of that, I was proven wrong.

None of that prepared me for what happened today. None of it was akin to the pain I endured when the woman I love, the woman I was so close to making my wife, barred me from her life.

I've done everything in my power to figure out what could've possibly happened. Each memory has been relived and every word has been deliberated. I've done all I can in the hopes of solving this mystery.

I did keep those secrets from her, but for her own protection. If I told her about Rosier, she would find ways to place the blame on herself. Right after he attacked her, she convinced herself that it was her fault: her uniform was too short, her make up was too provocative, or her behavior was too flirtatious.

Assiduously blaming herself when it was Rosier who had the problem.

_He_ is the pervert. _He_ is overly obsessed with her. _He_ is the one at fault.

But she doesn't see that.

After that happened, I was scared. I was afraid that if she knew about the blackmail, she would try to shield us by succumbing to his demands. There wasn't a snowball's chance in hell that I was going to let that happen.

I didn't tell her everything about the full moon. I didn't tell her that Sirius wouldn't be able to hold the werewolf Remus off for long. Because I know her and if I had told her that, she would've felt guilty for accepting my help.

That's one of the limitless reasons why I love her so much.

Any other girl would lap up the attention and be willing to pull me from my best mates, but she is different.

She is so benign and worried about the needs of others. I couldn't tell her that my best friend was out there cavorting with a werewolf while I helped her wrap up her report. The guilt would've overwhelmed her and the only thing I want overwhelming her is my love.

A love that she declined.

It sounds foolish for a sixteen year old boy to say he's ready to 'settle down', but it couldn't be any more accurate. I've fallen for a girl who attained my heart before I could define love.

I was ready to slide the ring on her finger. I was ready to take her by the hand and announce to the world that she would be the only woman to ever occupy my heart, mind, and soul.

_I was ready._

But I was rejected.

No definite reason, no questions answered.

And now I still can't fathom why it all fell through. How in the course of a night, we went from the most exulted couple at Hogwarts to nothing at all.

I've done everything. Dissected and inspected everything I could think of.

And after doing all of that, I've come to the conclusion that there's something else, something she didn't mention in her ranting. I know that what we have is stronger than any of those secrets I unveiled today. They alone could not penetrate her.

I just know there's more to it than what meets the eye.

I'm positive that she still loves me. There's no doubt in my mind. She can remove me from the dorm, from her vision, and from her life, but she can't remove me from her heart. One quick look into her eyes told me all I needed to know.

Over and over, she told me to leave. She meant to push me out of her life.

'_Goodbye, James.'_

But those eyes…

Her eyes were telling me to stay.

It's probably her biggest downfall, her biggest weakness. At least it is for me. She can't disguise her emotions. I've watched as we've walked through the halls and the word 'mudblood' is tossed about freely.

Whereas I'm making a mental checklist of that person's name and what I could do to them later, she's trying her best to mask her hurt. For the most part, she does it well.

She is an eloquent, self-sufficient woman. She is a lover and a fighter. But every strong soul has an Achilles' heel. Every strong human being can only take so much, so many years of mockery and deprecation before they falter. Our contemporaries will never have a clue about how she's _really_ feeling because she pretends like it doesn't sting.

But I know better. I know her.

Love was shining in her eyes.

However, there was also the resilience, the fortitude to hide her vulnerability from me. The resilience to follow through with her words. The resilience to let me go.

Mission accomplished.

More often than not, I would be in Hogsmeade right now. It's always been a tradition between us Marauders since the dawn of our companionship in first year. But tonight was projected to be different.

In the place of strolling through Hogsmeade with the girl who was supposed to be my fiancé, I'm out here at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, watching as the sun sets on an unbearable day. Colors of red, orange and gold paint the sky and the sides of the stony mountains mirror the brilliant shades. The wildlife in the forest behind me disperse; dashing into their burrows or fleeing for safety from their stalking predators.

This is the one place where I can find tranquility, even when my heart and mind are in chaos.

Along with staring into oblivion, I think back to the picture that was lying in her lap as she sat by the window. And even in my dismal state, I can't help but smile and drift back to the memory.

"_James, no! I won't do it! I refuse! There are way too many people around…"A nervous scowl is sent my way as her hand retreats from mine, but I don't give up. James Potter never bows out of a challenge. _

_And really, she's the only one who can have this effect on me. The only one who makes me want to barter rational thought for folly without a moment's hesitation._

"_Come on, Lil. When have we ever done something like this? It's not like I'm asking you to break a law." I tease, pushing her fringe out of her eyes. _

_A simple move, my fingers barely stroke her creamy skin, causes a blush creeps into her cheeks._

_It gets to me._

"_Dance with me, Lily."_

_Denying her the time to refuse, I cling to her small pale hand and pull her close so that our faces are inches apart. _

_So close that I could count every single freckle on her nose, but I don't need to…the number is 27. So close that I can inhale the delightful synthesis of hot cinnamon and peppermint lingering on her breath and the fragrance applied to a spot just behind each ear. _

"_Close your eyes. For now, there are no rules, no people, and no disruptions. Just you and me, love." _

_Still grasping her cold hand, I watch as her eyes finally flutter shut. Long, dark lashes come to rest upon her alabaster skin, their colors contrasting beautifully. _

_It's the minute entities about her that are so exceedingly fascinating. The tiniest, most diminutive attributes that are overlooked by so many can hold my interest for hours on end. I can get lost in her so effortlessly. _

_She doesn't know of my infatuation with her left dimple, enhanced by her brilliant smile. The crease that grows on her forehead while she studies has to be one of the sexiest things I've ever seen. And the way she blows a loose strand of sleek hair from her face, only to have it topple right back down in the same spot, is so intriguing._

_Yes, I'm officially a love-struck fool. _

_With great ease, I twirl her around as the wild wind teaches the dead leaves a dance of their own. The wool of her knee length black coat flares with each turn, each graceful movement of her body. She's trying so hard to hold back a euphoric giggle, but she loses her battle. _

"_See, this isn't so bad, is it?" She throws her head back and laughs openly this time, her eyes shining with joy and her hands interlocking around the back of my neck._

"_James Potter, you're utterly barmy," I grin and move my lips to her ear, pausing to feel the effect of my breath against her skin. _

"_Would you have me any other way?"_

_The spinning has ceased, but my mind is still reeling from the feel of her sensuous curves pressing against me, even though both of us are clothed in thick black coats. _

"_No," Her emerald pools are fixed upon mine as she whispers, "I want you to be like this forever."_

_A quick flash of dazzling light catches my eye. I look to my left to see Remus standing on the edge of a rock wall, holding a magical camera in his hand. He doesn't say anything, just winks at us and moves to take photos of the picturesque landscape and historic buildings. _

_There's no music, but neither of us care. It doesn't matter. I just hold her body next to mine, savoring the feel of her cool cheek on the warm skin of my neck as we sway to the imaginary music. Her head lifts and her soft lips caress the stubble of my chin before returning to her previous position on my shoulder. My hands glide up and down her back and every few seconds, I plant a kiss in her hair. _

_We are one, moving in a rhythm that's meant solely for ours ears. Without interrupting the dance, I nudge her head to grab her full attention. As soon as her green eyes meet mine, I gently press my lips to hers, tasting the cinnamon that has been engulfing my senses all day. _

_And for the moment, we can forget about the ominous threat of war. There's no bloodshed, no evil lurking in the shadows, no loss of innocence. _

_It's just the two of us in our own frivolous world, ignoring the peculiar stares from the bystanders as we whirl and guffaw into the breeze. _

_Two besotted teenagers partaking in a long, slow, beautiful dance. _

I quickly shake the visualization from my mind, barely even noticing the footsteps coming closer. Instinctively, my head jerks up and the grip on my wand tightens, but I learn that it's Remus. His robe swishes fiercely as he approaches me, but when he gets within striking distant, his steps are a tad precautious.

"Prongs."

"Evening, Moony. What brings you out here?" I ask, thought I'm fully conscious of the reason.

"Frank and Alice gave me the general idea of what happened. They hadn't seen you since, well, earlier, and they were worried…"

"There's no need for that. I'm okay," It's a fib, a flat out lie, but I want to be strong. I don't want to lose myself in the face of my friend.

A warm hand grips my shoulder and I look up to find him directly across from me, sporting a blend of concern and amusement.

"James, we've been mates since first year. We know each other inside and out, even things we wish we _didn't_ know about. And I'm no Legilimens, but I don't have to be to know that you're not 'okay'."

I say nothing at first, merely lowering my head to look at the frigid ground below. But curiosity gets the best of me in the end and I can't help but ask one of the questions that has been in my head all day.

"How is she, Remus?"

He shakes his head and chuckles before answering, "You've always put her first, haven't you? I guess anyone who expected you to act differently even after she broke your heart is a right fool. You're the most persistent bloke I've ever met when it comes to a girl."

"Only when it comes to Lily."

Sticking his hands in the pockets of his slacks, he drops his gaze and coughs a little before enlightening me.

"From what I've seen with my own two eyes, she's not doing too good. She's talked to Marlene quite a bit and a little with Alice, but things haven't changed much. She picked at her food but I don't think she ate anything. Everything is just so…mechanical. How she'll make it through her classes this upcoming week is beyond me, but I know she'll try anyway."

"She's incredible."

The flattery springs from my mouth before I have a chance to stop it but that doesn't make it any less of a fact. She _is_ incredible, at least to me.

"Dumbledore made her Head Girl for a reason, I suppose. But she's not the normal Lily. The fire in her eyes is gone. It's like she's…shut down."

Which is precisely how I feel right now.

"So…are you going to tell me or am I going to have to guess?"

Running a hand through my hair, I take a deep breath and look out at the contour of the mountains and the horizon line bordering the lake.

"It's over. She told me to leave, I threw her the ring, and now we're finished." My voice cracks and my eyes burn for what feels like the thousandth time today.

My mouth is open, the words are on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't say them. And truthfully, I don't know what _to_ say.

"Did she say why?"

I move my gaze to his, seeing signs of pain in his eyes as well. An empty, mirthless smile forms on my lips.

"No, she didn't say anything."

I lower my head into my hand as I begin to remember the events of the day, my heart struggling with the knowledge of the secret that has not only been kept from Lily but also from everyone else.

"I shouldn't have kept secrets. I should have told her what happened that night." I feel him tense as he immediately recognizes what 'night' I'm talking about.

"I should have told her. I shouldn't have done what I did in the first place. But when I saw Rosier's footsteps and his name beside hers in the dungeons, I had this horrible feeling in my stomach. I just knew something was wrong. I had been watching him for a while. The way he looked at her. That—that _look_ in his eyes when she walked by him. I just…I _knew_."

I look to my left and meet his grim eyes. I know he remembers the events of that night as well, but he nods his head for me to go on.

"I ran as fast as my feet would carry me. And when I saw her on the floor and she wasn't moving…"

I don't even try to wipe the tears from my eyes. I've told Remus the main points of what happened, but nothing like this. Never this much. And as I begin to share every detail, I hark back to every tormenting second.

"I thought she was dead. I thought he had killed her. There were cuts everywhere; her legs, her arms, her neck. He'd hit her and bruised her so many times. Blood was all over her face and smeared on the floor where he'd hit her nose and cut her lip. Her clothes were ripped to shreds and her wand lying on the floor, a good distance from where she was. He had disarmed her, silenced her, and immobilized her all before she had the chance to react.

"And the sick bastard was hid in the nearest classroom, not knowing I could follow his every move on the map. Before he knew what had hit him, I'd stomped into the classroom and hexed him, and then I ran back to Lily and muttered the counter curses. As soon as I went to lay a hand on her, she wrenched out of my hands and tried to get away. I'd gotten there before he'd had the chance to rape her, but when I saw the fear in her eyes…when I saw the hurt he'd caused her…"

I could feel my jaw catch as I train my heart for these next words.

"I wanted to kill him."

Remus, his skin almost drained completely of any color, shifts on his spot. Placidly, he waits for me to finish before he provides his input.

"All I could think about was hurting him, making him suffer. And all I could see was the blood and his hands on her and her ripped clothes…I wanted to rip him apart. So after I took her to our dorm, healed her cuts and scrubbed off the blood, and gave her some of my clothes to sleep in, I went back down to him. I released him from the hex and I expected him to be angry, but what he did was worse.

"The bastard had the fucking nerve to smirk and laugh about what he had done! I can hardly remember what he said next, I was seething, but I plainly remember him calling her a mudblood whore. He said he knew how much I loved her and how much she loved me, so he wanted to make sure that she was 'damaged goods' when I got to her."

My teeth are gnashing and my fists are clenching as I spill everything that's been building up in me since this morning.

"I don't remember what all happened after that. I just remember the three of you trying to pull me off of him.

"I've never wanted to murder anyone, Remus. Never. But I swear I wanted to kill him. To this very day I want to kill him. When he laid his slimy hand on her this last time, it was all I could do to bite my tongue and not 'Avada' him right then and there."

"Prongs, calm down."

"I can't, Remus! He's fucking got us right where he wants us and it's my entire fault. I drug you, Sirius, and Peter into this and now look at the mess we have on our hands. Merlin, if Dumbledore found out…if my father found out…we would be goners. And Lily…Lily would never forgive herself _or_ me. But she would think it was _her_ fault. I can't let that happen, I just can't."

Moving my moist eyes to his lanky frame, I await his wise retort. In its place, he just sits with me stares at the spot where my eyes were once glued.

"Until today, she never knew. I never told her that I went after him. I never told her that we pay him. But somehow…somehow, she found out."

"But how--?"

"I'm not sure. That's part of what I'm trying to figure out. But the point is I don't know and it doesn't matter now because she _did_ find out. She found out, she knows I kept it from her, and she's hurt. She's angry and with good reason. But I know there's more to it. I sense it. She's not telling me something because I know she wouldn't break up with me over that reason alone."

He nods and shoots a glance at me, "What's your plan?"

I sigh, tear at the long blades of grass by my legs, and face him.

"She told me to leave. And because I love her, I'll do anything for her. Whatever it takes, even if the 'anything' means I have to stay away. But I won't throw in the towel. Not now, not ever. I'm going to find out what's wrong and resolve it. I love her, Remus. That's my girl up there, that's my heart. I've done so much to get her and I'm not letting her go this easily. I'm going to fix this. I _have_ to fix it."

He stands up and brushes off the seat of his slacks, his grin widening with each passing second.

"You've always fought for her, even when she didn't want you to. I've never seen you give up on Lily Evans and I doubt I ever will. I know you'll fight for her and give it all you've got. Every now and then you have to come to blows if you want something bad enough. Usually, those are the things that are worth your wile."

For what feels like the first time in decades, a genuine smile crosses my lips, "Moony, if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that she is worth it."

He tilts his head back and looks up at the sky. The dim glow of the stars begins to appear and in their company, a quarter moon. I know he's trying not to think about the full moon and the nightmare it brings, especially when his friends are hurting.

"These words won't do you much good, but think of it like this. She's in that castle, breathing the same air with you, resting under this very sky with you, and she's almost certainly thinking about you."

I nod my head and laugh softly, "You're right. Doesn't do me much good…but it doesn't hurt to think about it that way, either."

Remus' words echo in my head and I can't help but smile. He always knows what he's talking about.

Lily is definitely worth the fight.

"I've had questions floating in my head since this morning. Did you notice anything different about her last night? Anything I might not have noticed?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I see his hands twisting and turning, a habit that comes to life when he's really considering something.

"No, I honestly didn't. She seemed fine to me and if she was with you, she was joking and laughing with her friends. I don't get how she found out. None of us have ever brought it up. Not once. You were with her after the party, right?"

"Everybody left and we cleaned up the mess. I told her I was going to the kitchens and then straight to bed. I kissed her good night, told her I loved her, and left. She was supposed to finish packing and go to the girl's dorm in Gryffindor tower, which she did. That's all I know."

His brow in contemplation, "You don't think she could've run into Evan Rosier again, do you? He might have told her something to stir the pot for his own sordid entertainment."

"So help me Merlin, if he did-"

Instantly, revulsion and fury spread swiftly like a wildfire through my system. If it weren't for Remus' hand fixing me to the spot, I would be searching for the git that started it all, the root of the problem.

"Listen, it's just a theory. I'm sorry I brought it up. I wasn't thinking when I said that. But I sincerely doubt he would be daring enough to drift up to those parts. He knows better to try anything with you, me, Sirius, and even Peter on the same floor."

He shrugs and we fall into a heavy silence. Without warning he turns to look at me, apparently hit with a sudden thought.

"I think Sirius went out for a late walk last night. Do you think he might've seen her?"

A dreadful pang resounds in the chambers of my heart. The knots that have been intensifying and slackening all day long are tighter than ever.

"_Sirius_?"


	13. 12: No Amount

**Disclaimer**: If you don't know by now, you have no business being on a FAN fiction site.

**A/N**: Here's Chapter 12...it's written in my favorite POV. Hope you like!

**Smiley4ever**: To answer your question, the prologue was taken from a future chapter. Sorry for the confusion! Glad you love the story :D

And just a fair warning (my apologies to those of you who have already read this without knowing), this chapter is _not_ Merry.

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE**  
Chapter 12**: No Amount**  
**

_**Sirius' POV**_

**November 20, 1976  
Saturday**

Until last night, I'd been experiencing a series of three distinct emotions.

Envy. Bitterness. Fear.

And now, I have another one to add to the ever-increasing list.

Remorse.

And remorse can be such a hard pill to swallow. It doesn't matter how many glasses of water you drink to wash it down; you will still choke.

As soon as I stepped to the portrait hole; as soon as it opened and she invited me inside; as soon as I unloaded all of my fears and insecurities and walked out the door, I felt the remorse.

It smoldered in my soul the second I let the portrait swing shut on my little sister's heartbroken face. And it became alive when those eyes, the windows to her soul, haunted my dreams all through the night.

I can't escape the look she gave me as I confessed what had been veiled for so long. The look she gave me as I, someone she trusts, turned her world upside down.

And the whole time, she said nothing. She made no objections.

She loves me. I'm her big brother. Why would a big brother lie? Why would he give her this information about the love of her life if it weren't the truth? So she accepted what I said—every single sordid fact that was laced into my explosion—and determined the verdict.

A verdict that makes the remorse burn a million times greater.

Frank told me what he and Alice had witnessed and I couldn't believe it. I _still_ can't believe it.

I can't believe that there is someone in this world who would forfeit his or her happiness for mine.

My own biological family wouldn't do that.

It's mind-blowing.

But deep down, I knew this would happen. I told myself over and over that it wouldn't, but I knew it would. I persuaded her and I made _her_ feel guilty.

I used her. I manipulated her heart.

A heart that is so immeasurable, so generous, so loving. She does anything and everything in her power to look after those she loves.

Always looking after someone like me, someone who is so undeserving of her defenses.

And she did it. She did what I couldn't do. She pushed her wants and desires away so I could have mine and to save a decaying friendship. She did it to for her brothers and the love of her life.

She did it because _I_ told her it was necessary.

My fingers run through my hair as my mind journeys back to my exchange with Frank.

"_What was James' reaction?"_

_He drops his head, telling me everything that he can't express in a sentence._

"_Devastated."_

It was such a fierce word, a word that almost knocked me off of my feet from its impact.

But it wasn't a word that came as a bombshell. In fact, the word 'devastated' is most likely an understatement. And I'd be willing to bet that Lily is reacting the same way.

All of it, this whole mess, was created because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I couldn't stop my feet from moving down the hallway and I couldn't control my emotions.

All because of one short visit that I sincerely regret.

_The damage is already done._

I heave my exhausted body up from my bed and glance at the clock for what has to be the first time today.

9:30 PM.

I reach for the crumpled copy of the Daily Prophet lying on Remus' bed. Taking a seat at my desk, I use the only light provided: a dimly lit candle. The wax is overflowing, but cools before it touches the surface of the table below.

Just as I'm about to read the first article, 'Bodies of Missing Muggles Located', the door creaks open. I'm expecting Remus or Peter, but my breath catches when I ascertain that it's one of two people I've been avoiding for the past twenty-four hours.

And when I look up, James' rigid, watery eyes are the first things I see.

It's at this very point in time that I see the real consequences. A living, breathing casualty of the conflict that only exists in my head. His face is ashen—the shade of white you associate with those who are under the weather—excluding the dark circles beneath his muddy eyes.

"All right, Prongs?"

It might be the most dim-witted question to ever leave my lips.

But there's no sarcastic reply as I'd expected, just a stiff arm that knocks me out of his path. Like a ghost, he drifts into the room and I close the door behind him.

Taking a deep breath, I face him. What I see will most likely haunt me for the rest of my life.

His eyes, ordinarily ablaze with enthusiasm and mischief, reflect the same look found in Lily's eyes from the night before.

I see the hurt, the confusion, and…skepticism.

He stares at me for a few minutes, his vacant eyes never moving from mine. After a long wait, he gives me three stipulating words.

"Tell me why."

My eyebrows automatically furrow in confusion as I look at him. I know exactly what he means. At least in my heart, I do. But my mind won't accept it.

"Tell you why? Why what?"

His glare rips into me like he's trying to uncover something. He keeps quiet, both of us listening to the rustling winter wind as it blows hard into the exterior of the ancient castle.

A storm.

"I know you were with her last night," it's a statement, not a question, "And I want you to tell me why."

Rubbing my sweaty palms together, I turn away from him, praying that he didn't notice the hesitation and fear as I did so.

_Think fast, Sirius. _

Cruel twist of fate, this is. Just last night, I spoke too much. And right now, when I desperately need them, the words just won't come.

I'm racking my brain for something to say, anything to prevent his intense gaze from devouring me whole.

"I…I just wanted to talk with Lily," I mutter, trying to down any sign of insecurity, "…and apologize again for that morning. I haven't been myself lately."

Lame excuse. Absolutely pitiful, especially when you consider my lengthy Marauder reputation that is built off deception. But the last sentence is nothing but the truth.

His gaze follows my every step as I move across the room, "I haven't seen you all day. Why didn't you tell me about this?" he queries, the ache in his voice painfully obvious, "You never told me that you might have a talk with her."

Kinks are rapidly forming in my stomach as I feed him more and more lies. Rebelling against the little voice of my conscience, I keep on adding more fuel to the fire.

"I've been giving you space. I figured you'd want it. And how could I tell you if I didn't know where you went? You have the map and you haven't been here all morning either. It never crossed my mind to hunt you down and tell you. I didn't think it would cause any trouble."

He shakes his head and begins to walk toward the chair, his demeanor changing instantly. The intimidating lad is gone and in his place, a frustrated young man.

"No, definitely no trouble in that," he mutters, more to himself than me.

His calloused hand massages the back of his neck before rising to the summit of his messy head and ruffling his jet-black hair.

"I'm a little paranoid right now and when Remus told me you were out last night…I started jumping to conclusions. I'm not sure what to believe anymore. You've royally screwed things up in the past, but I know you love her too and I believe you."

I swallow the lump in the back of my throat, suddenly feeling extremely nauseous.

"I just—I've been trying my hardest to put the pieces together. It's like a damn jigsaw puzzle with thousands of pieces. And I'm no closer to where I've started. I can't figure out what happened. I don't know how she found out."

My stomach turns and tumbles with a mixture of guilt and fear. I know James will eventually put the pieces together. He has always been very articulate, very capable of seeing what's hiding behind the shell. If anyone knows Lily inside and out, it would be James. It does not surprise me in the least that he is so guarded and critical.

"She's probably just got a lot running through her head right now, Prongs. Head Girl duties, class work, N.E.W.T.S., you know how all of that is. And then there's all of this war propaganda and threats every time you turn around. She probably feels a bit weighed down by it all. We all are."

Very slowly, he nods his head and cups his chin with one hand, taking in my words.

"After the party, when you talked to her…did you get the impression that anything was wrong?"

I can hear is voice cracking…his heart breaking. And amidst the cacophony of sound, I can hear my own breaking as well.

And still, I lie again.

"Maybe a little distracted, but she seemed all right to me."

I used to be honest, especially with James. I used to feel a stronger pang of guilt than what I'm feeling now. When did the lies start consuming my life?

They've become second nature. Impulsive. A wild instinct that I can't deny.

And that scares me.

He leans back and rests his head on the cushioned back of the chair. I can almost see the cogs turning as he tries to clear his thoughts.

"Gods…I'm sorry, Padfoot. I don't know what I was thinking, tearing in here like this. Its just today has been so strange and when Remus told me, I thought you might've known..."

He shoots a glance at me and his eyes that normally hold a hint of gold are now a deep, dark green. I'm sure he hasn't been crying for a while, but his eyes are still very red around the rims.

It takes looking into those sorrow-filled pools to realize how far gone I really am.

I've done what I swore I'd never do. I've deliberately hurt two of the most important people in my life because of my own hidden desire to have what they have.

So overcome with deception.

Somewhere along the way, I've lost touch with the old Sirius.

Just when I think I can sink no lower, I do.

"Prongs, there are a lot of other birds out there that would go out with you in a heartbeat. Did you ever stop to think that Lily might not be the one for you?"

Clearly alarmed at my words, his narrowed eyes shoot to mine and he wordlessly examines me. He doesn't say anything as he stands and walks to the door, wrenching it open by the handle and looking back at me.

"Truthfully Sirius, I haven't. And I won't. I don't care how many other birds are out there or how many 'fish are in the sea'. I _just don't care_. She is the one. She's it for me. End of story."

The door slams shut behind him and my hands immediately fly to my face as I walk to the window.

"What have I done?"

In the thick glass, I see an unfamiliar reflection. The man staring back to me is a stranger, someone I don't know anymore. A man that I wouldn't want to know. A person who neglected the feelings of others just to get his fill.

That man that resembles his wretched family. That man is standing, living, breathing in this very skin.

That man is a true Black.

_Toujours pur._

That man is me.

"Fuck!"

I need to get out. I need to get away.

With a shake of my head, I dash out of the door with one particular destination in mind: Hogsmeade.

I don't care that it's late or that I'm breaking the rules. I've never really cared much about being a law-abiding citizen anyway. But right now, I need to get out of this place. I need to be out of my mind where I can't feel this overwhelming guilt, where I can't see the aftermath.

Jogging down the passageway to get to the One-Eyed Witch, I swivel around the corner and bump straight into someone. It's deja vu all over again. But when I look up this time, I don't see the Regulus' brooding face.

I'm toe-to-toe with Lily.

Her eyes are still the same. They still have the same poignant look from last night…and the same one I found in James' just minutes before.

"I-" She shakes her head and cuts of my sentence.

"I guess you've heard by now," She says after a sharp intake of breath and a weak, contemptuous chuckle, "But I'm sure the whole school knows about it."

Her head turns and her eyes bore into mine, probing them for any emotion.

"I listened to what you said. I got the message loud and clear last night. And I spent all night thinking it over."

The sound of her voice is breaking me.

This is not Lily. This is not the spitfire with the witty comebacks, the sharp tongue. This is not the Lily I've known for nearly seven years.

The magic is gone. The voice that instantly brings a smile to my face is missing.

And it's all because of me.

"Lily, please…"

"I realized that you were right about everything. I was a bloody fool not to see it before. But I finally did. I'm not living in fantasyland anymore; I don't have the blinders on now. I ended it this morning. It's over between James and I. I did it for you and Remus and Peter. I did it to make you happy. "

I open my mouth, trying to get a word in edgewise, but she stops me yet again.

"Please…I'd like it if you didn't say anything. I'm not sure if I can deal with it right now. I'm not sure I want to."

I watch her retreating back as she walks away from me, becoming the second person to leave me in less than fifteen minutes.

I did this. I broke her.

The light of the bright moon streams in through the window, illuminating my mirror image in its panes.

The man looking back at me_…he_ broke her.

And tonight, I will make that man disappear for a while.

Tonight, I just want to forget.

* * *

"What would you like tonight, sugar?" The young barmaid asks as she sidles up to my seat. 

"Give me the hardest stuff you've got."

She grabs a glass, wipes off any loitering dust, and fills it with a dark liquor.

"I think this will do the trick," She pushes the drink over to me and takes the sickles from my hand.

Without wasting a second, I quickly down the drink in one gulp. It feels like liquid flames as it slithers down, but I don't mind one bit.

"Another," I shout over the racket of the crowd and she abides my demand.

The tavern has been decorated with an assortment of Christmas ornaments and trinkets. Large, red bows are tied around a few posts and wreaths of all shapes and sizes cling to the doors, walls, and banisters.

But the most obvious decoration is but a few feet away from me.

Mistletoe.

And of course, a couple is standing below it. The two are kissing quite fervently while swaying to a slow, melodic song, seemingly oblivious to the noise around them. Ever so gently, the man rocks his partner back and forth by the heel of his steel-toed boots.

Obviously in love.

I can't take my eyes away from them, especially when a glint of light bounces off of the woman's finger. Even the dim light of the pub cannot prevent the glitter.

Glitter from an _engagement_ ring.

Second one down.

That should be my best friend out there with his beloved. That should be the shine from _her_ ring, not this stranger's. And had I not ruined it, thwarted his plans, it would be them.

It _should_ be them.

He was going to pop the question. He was going to secure her in his life and make her the happiest woman in the world. He was going to show all of the pureblood fanatics, the cynics, and anybody else who said they wouldn't last how in love they were.

He was going to live his dream.

And like a hammer colliding with a plane of glass, I smashed that dream to pieces.

For a third time in the last ten minutes, the young woman slides the drink in front of me, but unlike the previous times, her hand lingers on the glass.

I look up at her and she shakes her head, her tight curls bouncing about.

"I've seen a lot of people walk through those doors, a lot of them wearing long faces. What's your story? Broken relationship?"

"Er…yeah. That's one way of putting it."

For the time being, I forget that the woman is a barmaid in Hogsmeade and I let my guard down, my words slurring a bit as the alcohol takes effect.

"Ever done something horrible to someone you love? Let me rephrase that…two people you love?"

The maid releases her grip on the glass and picks up a cream-colored rag that is smudged with dirt and grime, all the while surveying me oddly.

"Well, I've made my fair share of mistakes. Who hasn't? I can't say that I've got much experience with something like that, but if you feel like sharing, I'm willing to listen."

"Trust me, I've done enough talking to last me a lifetime."

I look over my shoulder at the couple on the dance floor and then turn back to her.

"That couple over there, underneath the mistletoe," I return my gaze to her and she nods for me to continue, "One would assume that they're in love, right? They sure look like it, don't they?"

"That they do."

I take a sip from the glass and chuckle caustically.

"I'm a friend—or I'm supposed to be, anyway—to another couple just like them. They're so perfect for one another, so madly in love. You don't have to assume, you just…know. And I want to have what they have. I've tried so hard to find it. Even dated a bird for over a year thinking that I could have something similar to it. But I've spent all this time searching for something…and I'm not even close to finding it."

She's quite a young woman, but the wisdom and trepidation shining in her eyes tells me that she's far too familiar with my situation.

"Along the way, I became resentful. Not just with them, but towards myself and everybody else. And that resentment has done a lot of damage since it began."

I gulp down the rest of the drink and drop my hand onto the counter. The glass slips from my hand, but luckily, she catches it and sets it upright.

"You claim that you love these people, this couple that you speak so fondly of," she asks, her voice soft and tinged with intrigue, "Do you?"

Her words slam into me, causing my heart to slightly ache when the truth is uncovered.

"I do. Or at least, the old me does. The old me would do anything for them. But this new me, the person I've become won't. This new man doesn't."

"On the whole, they're not the problem, it's you. Correct?"

The tip of my index finger traces the smooth edge of the glass and I nod.

"Like I said, I don't have a lot of personal experience with stuff like this, but I'll give you the best advice I know," she says, tossing the rag underneath the bar and leaning onto the counter with both arms doubled.

"I'm not a rookie to this bar business. I've seen a lot of people walk in and out of those doors looking just like you. Too many of them, frankly. And every single one of them is delusional. Every single one of them is convinced that alcohol is the key to fixing whatever problem they've conceived.

"I've been one of those people, too. I've been down a road both alike and different to yours. You can drown yourself in booze, you can drink the whole town dry, and you can spend a few hours feeling blissfully numb, but your problem will still be there when you come back. Maybe even ten times worse than it was when you temporarily left it. Nothing or no one can fix it apart from you, the person who created it. And it's imperative that you find yourself, that you find the old you who came to love these people. Because this is not just hurting them anymore. It's hurting you."

I prop an elbow on the slab of wood in front of me and stare at the shot glass while my other hand tangles in my hair. Little by little, I absorb her miniature speech like a dry sponge. Not just mentally, but in spiritually as well.

Releasing a shaky breath, I hold back the tears threatening to spill.

"W—what happens if I don't do that?"

She sighs, peers at the new patron pulling up a stool at the long end of the bar, and gives me a hard look.

"In that case, you won't be the only one who loses."

A sad smile garnishes her pretty lips as she walks down to the opposite end, ready to comfort another lost soul in the waiting. Meanwhile, I'm still staring at my distorted reflection in the small glass, my heart beating at a frantic pace in my chest.

I feel dizzy, the thoughts and images in my head swirling like foggy memories in a pensive. Part of it is due to my alcohol consumption. The other part is because of my latest realization.

Cocking my head to the side, I catch a glimpse of my solemn face in the fire whiskey sign, and then I turn around and look for the happy couple who were once behind me. When my eyes finally fall on them—now locked in a loving embrace in the far corner of the tavern—the tears that I've been battling with all day finally leak out.

There's no amount of alcohol that can mend the damage I've done. There's no amount of alcohol that can make me stop thinking about it.

James' hollow, bloodshot eyes.

Lily's deadpan, fractured voice.

Both are imprinted in my mind.

They always will be.


	14. 13: Congratulations

**Disclaimer:** Nothing you recognize is mine.

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE**  
Chapter 13**: Congratulations

_**Alice's POV**_

**November 24, 1976  
Wednesday**

"_I heard he caught her in bed with Remus Lupin! When he was in the bathroom, no less!" _

"_**Really? I didn't think Lupin was like that. Isn't he going out with Mary McDonald?"**_

"_As far as I know, he was. Poor James. He must be heartbroken. He was so in love with her and Remus was one of his best friends."_

"_**He did love her, but it's quite obvious that she didn't love him, right. That whore was probably cheating on him the whole time, right under his nose, and nobody had a clue! I knew something was up when she agreed to go out with him last year."**_

"_You're probably right, as usual. I thought they made a cute couple, too. Evans doesn't deserve him. I'm glad he broke up with her…"_

I'm trying so hard to keep temper at bay.

I'm trying so hard to block it out.

And I know the girl hidden with me behind the hangings of this bed is too.

She's quiet, so unlike the Lily I've grown accustomed to. We're both sitting cross-legged on my bed and she's looking straight ahead, almost like she can see through the thick fabric encasing us from the rest of the dorm.

They don't know she's here.

They can't see her suffer noiselessly as their words puncture and rip her dignity to shreds.

But I can.

I watch as she hugs the pillow tight to her chest and closes her eyes, but she doesn't cry. She doesn't release a single tear as the pieces of her life fall to the floor. She doesn't have to.

The news of her split with James spread like wildfire throughout the school and this—whatever you want to call it—has become a custom. Every single night, I sit with her in this same position, listening as the latest rumor circulates within the group of gossiping girls.

Why? The reasons are still unclear to me.

All she has to do is jump out of the bed, give them a piece of her mind, and end it right then and there. And sometimes, I've volunteered to do it for her.

But she does nothing.

She says and does absolutely nothing. She's reprimanding herself by taking their words to heart, even though she says she doesn't.

I know the truth. I see the way she hangs onto their every word. Their gossiping tongues flap at a ridiculous rate, giving a variety of reasons for why the reigning King & Queen of Gryffindor came to an abrupt end.

And all of those reasons paint her as the perpetrator, the one who cheated and lied and just wasn't good enough for him in the end.

Truthfully, no one knows what's behind it. Not even Frank and I, and we were there for the ending. But she hasn't spoken a word since the horrible day that feels like it took place a year ago, not less than a week.

And I may be clueless on what happened, but I know this much: she did not cheat on him and she did not 'fall out of love', if one can really do such a thing. Even when she goes to extreme lengths to avoid coming in contact with him in the halls or the classrooms, she is still thinking and daydreaming of him.

All it takes is one look at the girl sitting across from me and you'll know that much is true.

Since he walked out of this very room, she hasn't been the same. Those dazzling jade eyes have lost their signature gleam and the smile that could light up a pitch-black room has disappeared.

Every day is the same routine: the fake smiles, the usual raising of her hand in class, her constant reassurance that she will be just fine. Her life has become a pattern, an endless cycle.

When she got together with James, I don't think she noticed as her life slowly intertwined with his. Not until now, at least. He gave her support and confidence. He gave her what no on else could.

But most of all, he gave her life. He made her realize that there are more important things in life besides achieving good grades and living by the rules. He gave her a zest for life that was missing before she opened up to him.

What she's doing right now is not living

And it's showing.

We stand by her, those of us who are her real friends, and defend her from the slander and provide a shoulder to cry on. But even we are growing slightly impatient, wondering the real reason for their split.

Then there are the others, the little twits of make up the official "James Potter Fan Club", the blabbermouths who having nothing better to do than degrade others, and the arrogant Slytherins who call her everything from an attention seeking whore to a worthless mudblood.

But she takes it all in stride. She doesn't argue, doesn't protest. She says nothing. The only battles being fought are between her will and her tears.

Another voice, another nameless face, chips into the gossip ring.

"_Well you'll never guess what I heard this afternoon. Susan said she saw James with Janice Finnegan and apparently they were getting a little friendly. You know they went out before, right? I bet he never stopped liking her."_

Immediately, my eyes are on Lily. She has lowered her eyes to the sheet in front of her and one hand is covering her mouth. My heart breaks as I see a tear fall down her cheek and onto the pillow below.

"Don't listen to a word they say, Lils. You know it isn't true. James would never go back out with Janice. You and I both know that. They just want to start something." I whisper to her, trying to deter their awful comments.

I'm not sure what I can tell her to make it better. I've conversed with James a bit and I know for a fact that he hasn't moved on. He can't get over her, just as she can't get over him. But my words are of no use. I'm not the one who can mend her heart. I'm not sure if anyone can at the moment.

She closes her eyes and allows the tears to fall freely onto her pillow.

Since the day she stepped foot into my compartment on the train first year, I've thought of her as a sister. The sister I never had but always wanted. I love her as if she was. And because of that, I can feel her pain. It hurts _me_ to see _her_ hurt. And if there were anything, anything at all that I could do to end her pain, I would do it without hesitation.

"Don't listen to them, Lily. They're all liars; they're looking for something to talk about. And none of it's true, dear," I whisper, stroking her cheek with one hand, simultaneously lifting her chin to look at me as I tuck a few of her ruby strands behind her ear.

No response, just like all of the other times.

When I look down, her head is buried in the pillow and her shoulders are shaking. All I can do is rub the convulsing muscles in her back and hope that I'm bringing some kind of relief.

Five minutes later, she finally looks up. The eyes that were once so vacant are now unbelievably miserable. Slowly, she sits up and wipes away the spare tears.

"Would you…would you do something for me? A couple of things, actually," Her eyes meet mine briefly before she turns them to a picture on the wall while picking at her nails timidly.

"Er…sure," I reply, eyeing her doubtfully, "I guess I could. What do you need?"

She takes a deep breath and lowers her voice so that it's barely audible, even to me and I'm sitting right across from her.

"Tell James and the rest to stop the payments," My mouth flies open to ask her what in the world she's talking about, but she holds up a hand to stop me, "Please don't ask any questions. I'll probably tell you one day, but right now, I can't. Just tell them I'll take care of it, I'll convert my muggle money into galleons."

"What are you—?"

"Please…I'm asking you to let it go. Just tell him that for me. Tell him it's what I want, okay?"

I want to know, I want to ask so badly, but her eyes are silently begging for me to drop it.

"Okay."

"And there's one more thing," She gulps and reaches into the pocket of her plaid pajamas.

Her fingers are wrapped around a small box when they emerge; the same box that landed at her feet last weekend. It's gently placed on the bed in the small space between our folded legs, directly in front of me.

"Please give this to him—to James. I put the promise ring in there, too." She wipes at the tears as they slide down her cheeks.

"He bought them for _you_, Lil. He wants you to have them."

The air in the room seems to decrease as I stare at the black box in my hand, a box that means so much more to them than most will ever know.

Through her tears, she whispers, "Those were meant to be given to someone he loves, and the person he fell in love with no longer exists. One day he'll fall in love again. And when he does, he should have them."

My heart is breaking as she speaks. I don't even realize that my eyes have closed until I hear her sobs. And when they open, I see her shoulders trembling.

She's not fighting it anymore.

"Please, Lily, don't do this to yourself. You need to let this out. You need to talk. I'm pleading with you, Lil. Tell me what's going on."

"Gods, Alice, I love him so much. I…"

"Of course you do, sweetie. I know that, I'd never question your feelings for James. Just tell me what or who's behind this. Tell me why you did this, please."

She raises her eyes to mine and asks, "Do you think they're happier now?"

I toss her words back and forth in my mind, all the while eyeing her suspiciously. That's an odd question.

A _very_ odd question.

"Have you taken a good look at James? He looks just as bad as you do. There's no spring in his step, no sparkle in his eye. He only talks when he has to and he isn't eating right. He misses you and he's heartbroken. And girls keep coming up to him, thinking they stand a chance now that you're out of the picture, but they don't. They never will. And Remus, Peter, and Sirius are down and out too. If one Marauder is depressed, they're all depressed. That's how they work. They love you, Lil, and they miss you so much."

"Why should they be? Why should he be? I gave him what he wanted. He has no right to be depressed."

Her last words were like a switch, generating the light bulb in my head.

Lily wasn't behind this, someone else was.

"What do you mean 'he'? Someone said something. I know they did. Who? Tell me now," I say, a little more sternly than I'd intended.

Her doe eyes look at me and she shakes her head, "It doesn't matter who said it. He's right and there's nothing anyone can do to change that, Alice."

I want her to say it already. I want to grab her by her shoulders, rattle her until the name falls out, and then hex that individual into oblivion.

Instantly, my mind starts evaluating all four of them. It's no longer just my curiosity. I _need_ to know this; I need to know who led Lily into rejecting James.

Peter? No, he's too reserved and nervous to say anything.

Remus? Of course not, he's also fairly quiet. He wouldn't do something like this is his life depended on it.

And I know James is out of the question.

Then it clicks. She doesn't even have to drop the name, doesn't even have to say the word.

"Oh my…Sirius. It was Sirius."

Just one look at her face and I know I've guessed accurately. Her eyes are wide and she quickly looks away, trying to look at anything but my face.

But it's too late, I already know.

_Deep breaths, Alice, deep breaths. _

"Tell me exactly what he said."

"We've been through this, Alice. He told me what I should've seen all along. He was losing his best friend so he came to me; he came to the source of the problem. He said they were losing James as a friend."

"That's a lie…"

"No, it's not! I've taken over his life! I know it. You know it. Hell, Professor Dumbledore probably knows it by now! It's not good for them. I can't make James choose between them and me. I can't let it come to that."

How ironic that one of the reasons James fell in love with her also led to the demise of their relationship. She cares about people too much.

People she loves and people who have betrayed her.

Reaching for her cold hands, I gather them and mine and try to warm them.

"You're one hundred percent right. He does love you and he would give anything to have you. He loves your kindness. But you need to stop trying to please everyone else and start thinking of yourself for once, your own fulfillment, your own expectations."

"I don't care. I want him to be happy and he won't be, not without them. He won't be the same person I fell in love with if he loses them, and I love him too much to tie him down when we're both so young."

Her eyes drift to our joined hands and then she lifts them to mine.

"Alice, please give me your word that you won't share this conversation with James. Please don't tell him. Please…promise me."

Damn it, I don't want to go along with this. If anything, I want to run to the opposite dorm, punch Sirius, and tell James everything. That this was all some stupid mistake caused by Marlene's ignorant ex-boyfriend. But she's right. It would cause a big rift between James and Sirius and probably Remus and Peter as well. Furthermore, it's not my place to say anything. I'm not the one who created this mess and the lone person who did should be the one to clean it up.

I can only nod my head, complete and utter shock still coursing through my body from my discovery. Reluctantly, I give her my word that I won't mention this to James.

But I do have some issues to discuss with Mr. Black.

* * *

A log continues to burn in the common room and my hands are ice cold, but I don't have time for that right now. Instead, I rub them together and smooth down my extremely casual attire. Had I known it that would be so cold in the common room this morning, I would've worn something flannel. 

After knocking twice and getting no answer, my impatience is rising. I finally hear the muffled sound of footsteps coming close to the door. It opens to expose a bleary-eyed Sirius standing before me in nothing but his striped boxers.

"Alice," He seems to be taken aback by my random appearance, "Why are you here?"

As I shove my way into the room, I take in his lackluster exterior and the lingering stench of alcohol on his breath. I look around and notice that a snoozing Peter is the only other person present, but I'm not too worried about him. I've seen the boy sleep before and it would take a natural disaster to wake him.

I near his bed and the first thing that catches my eye is the empty fire whiskey bottle lying below the side table next to a glass, obscured by excess clutter. When I send him a questionable look, he turns away and bends down to pick up the dirty laundry and crumpled sheets of parchment scattered across the floor.

"So…you never answered my question. What brings you here, of all places? You know Frank doesn't stay here."

He doesn't face me, just sifts through the piles of clothes, pulls on a plain white tee, and rearranges objects on his desk that have been overturned or pushed aside.

Ignoring the last part of his sentence, I decide to be as forthright with this as possible. It's plain to see that we're both uneasy (which I couldn't care less about _his_ comfort level right now) and I really don't feel like dealing with him for a prolonged period of time.

"Why don't we sit and talk for a while? I have a few things I need to say to you and there are a few things you need to explain. Most of them deal with Lily."

He shoots a nervous glance in my direction, perceptibly flabbergasted with my retort, before _trying_ to act urbane by laughing a little.

"We can do that."

The smooth, deep voice I'm so used to hearing from him is cracking and extremely husky. I've known Sirius for a substantial amount of time—long before he and Marlene started dating—and this is the first time I've seen him like this. The cool and composed style I'm attuned to seeing is gone.

"If you have something to say, I'd like for you to say it. I only have a few minutes to get ready. I'm supposed to meet someone."

His lies never fooled me before and they definitely aren't working now. I've been around him long enough to know that if he really had to be somewhere, he would not be looking like hell right now.

"I'll try to make this short, but it probably won't be very sweet," I say as I grab the stool by what I assume is Remus' desk and turn it around to face him, "Still, I suggest you pull up a chair."

He looks at me for a moment, most likely contemplating rebelling against my request, but then he grabs the seat nearest to mine.

"Lily is like a sister to me and I hate seeing her hurt. And since last week, that's all I've been seeing. I've listened to people attack her character, people who don't really know her. I've watched as she's beaten herself up for all of this, always saying she couldn't destroy your friendship. The happiness of her friends comes first in her life. And up until this morning, I could never put it together. I never understood what caused their relationship to end. But now, I know. I see it perfectly."

His stormy gray eyes are alarmed, but the depression is still there, overpowering everything else. And even though they're lifeless, I sense another emotion stirring within him.

Regret.

I've struck a nerve.

"When you and Marlene started dating, I thought you were perfect for her. You were everything we, her friends, hoped you'd be. Even though you had a rough history with women, we were able to look past that because you were a gentleman. You treated Marlene with the respect, something that a lot of guys didn't do.

"Somewhere along the way, she fell in love with you. And when Lily and James first got together, you two were doing well. But sometime throughout this year, you changed. You grew distant and you watched James and Lily _all the time_. You're so jealous of them that it's pathetic. And _I_ feel like shit because deep inside, I knew about this. I knew things were getting bad before Marlene broke up with you. I just never knew you would do something like this. I said nothing, I did nothing because I honestly never thought that someone who claimed to love them like family would intentionally screw up their lives like you've managed to do."

By now, I'm practically shouting in his face, genuinely wanting to slap the useless man in front of me. He remains stoic; visibly shocked that sweet, meek little Alice Foster is berating him.

He moves his elbows to his knees and clasps his hands together to shield his face, thinking it will somehow prevent what I'm saying from sinking in.

"Sirius, Lily loves you. She loves and trusts you so much and she reveres what you say. She takes it straight to her heart, so much that she's willing to sacrifice her relationship for you. I'm not sure what made you so desperate to do this and you might even be right. She might be hurting your friendship. But is this what you really wanted to happen? How are you gaining from their heartbreak? From what I can tell, no one is gaining anything. We're all hurting because you just didn't know how to deal with your emotions."

I stare at him as he begins to rub his hands together, avoiding my gaze.

"My opinion of you never changed. I've still thought very highly of you because you and your best friend dated my friends. Both of you made them smile and that was enough for me. But right now, I don't like what I'm seeing.

"What happened to that gentleman who won Marlene's heart? Where did he go? Because I don't like this inconsiderate person who has replaced him. I really don't like this person who is living off the bottle. And I especially…_especially_ don't like this person who is messing up the lives of the people he claimed to care about the most. And if truth be told, I don't think you do either. So is there anything you want to say? Anything you can tell me that _isn't _a lie?"

Now come the unshed tears. Too little, too late.

"No."

Pushing myself out of my seat, I look down at him and laugh sarcastically. Of course he doesn't.

"Well, if that's all you can say for yourself, I guess I'll be leaving and let you get to whatever it is you have to do. But before I go…Lily asked me to do her a couple of favors. One had something to do with some sort of payment," His eyes instantly shoot to mine, wide and still with shock, "She said she wants them cancelled."

His eyes immediately drop to the floor, still wide and disbelieving.

I pull out the box from my pocket and lay it on the stool where I was once sitting.

"The second task was for me to give this to James, but I want you to do it. I want you to have to look your best friend in the eye and really see what you've done. I want your conscience to nag you until it drives you mad."

He eyes are fixated on the box as I move to the living room entrance and turn to face him once again.

"Congratulations, Sirius. You have done the one thing that even the vilest of Slytherins have failed to do. You've done what even Rosier couldn't do. You've killed her spirit, you've found her weakness, and you broke it. You broke her heart. Not even they could do that."

For a moment, a very brief moment when his guilt-ridden eyes collide with mine, I feel pity for him.

Then I remember the reason I came here in the first place.

I remember Lily.

I see her face. I hear her cries. I feel her pain.

"Think about this. Stop being selfish for a second and look at the people who are really hurting. Do they deserve this? Do they deserve the hell you're putting them through?"

As I walk out of the room and begin my search for Frank, I can only hope that he comes up with the right answer.

And understands what to do once he finds it.


	15. 14: A Battle Lost

**Disclaimer**: Anything you recognize is not mine.

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE**  
Chapter 14**: A Battle Lost

'_I pretended I'm glad you went away  
These four walls closing more everyday  
And I'm dyin' inside  
And nobody knows it but me…_

_"Nobody Knows"- The Tony Rich Project _

_**Sirius' POV**_

**November 29, 1976  
Monday**

I've seen strength demonstrated by a variety of people in a variety of ways.

Some are blessed with muscle power. Several have a wealthy mentality. Others can effectively hold their emotions together with the shortest of string. Then there are those who are given a healthy combination of all three.

But I don't think I've ever seen anyone as strong or determined as Lily Evans. For someone who is vulnerable to acts of violence, she wears the bull's-eye on her back proudly.

Our world has become cold-blooded, so callous and dangerous toward her kind. With Voldemort gaining power and assaulting the innocent, it's enough to make the bravest of the brave tremble in their sleep. It's certainly not the type of environment for someone like her.

And despite all of the risks, she's still here.

I, along with the rest of Hogwart's student body, watched when she walked up to the stool and conversed with the Sorting Hat, then bounced down the steps with a smile on her face as she ignored the whispers.

_A __**muggle**__ surname. A muggleborn. _

_A mudblood. _

She would smile in the hallways like she knew something no one else knew. A secret. And sure enough, she did.

Grades would arrive. All passing. All excellent. And she quickly became the smartest witch in our year.

Fifth year, she did something that had never been done before. She proved that not only could she withstand the doubters, but she also had the gumption to reject and stand up to the most popular boy in Hogwarts. A Marauder. A prankster. James Potter had never heard the word 'no' until he met Lily Evans, but he became quite familiar with it that year.

She's persevered through every obstacle that's come her way and she's done it with poise and integrity. Never easily influenced, never the one to follow the crowd. And maybe that's what made James fall in love with her. _Really_ fall in love her.

Marlene always told me that she admired Lily for her tenacity. She claimed that her grace under fire, her courage, is what makes her extraordinary. But she is wrong.

Her heart—her ability to love others unconditionally—is her greatest strength.

But it is also her supreme disadvantage.

And when Alice spoke to me, she was exactly right. I did what no other person [to my knowledge has ever done.

I broke her heart. I broke Lily Evans.

A member of her adopted family…a protector…a close friend, broke her.

From the time when she and James started dating, she turned to me for recommendations on every subject imaginable—even if she chose not to use the suggestions in the end. She wanted to hear my opinion because it _mattered_ to her. I _mattered_ to someone.

And after all of that, it was my suggestions that hurt her.

It was my words that brought her to her knees. I caused the onslaught of rumors; I held the door wide open.

I've heard it all by now. Those ignorant chirping birds gossiping about how she used the pureblood Potter name to heighten her social status. The rumors saying she cheated on him multiple times with both Remus and I. And each one of these lies digs a little deeper into my soul.

And I've said nothing.

Nothing to contradict it. Nothing to defend her good name. Nothing to clean up this mess that I've made of ours lives.

The wise words of Alice repeat in my mind

_Do they deserve the hell you're putting them through?_

I can't run from those words. They've been in my head, weaving in and out of my brain both day and night.

I snatch the bottle of rum off the table and pour until three quarters of it is full. I take a sip, relishing in the burn as the glass rotates in my hand.

"No, they don't."

I nearly jump out of my skin when I hear a knock at the door. While staring at the half empty glass in my hand, I mull over the idea of ignoring the raps and pretending that I'm not here. Now is not the time for company.

I want to be alone. I want to drown myself in sorrow. I don't care what anyone says anymore. I just want to forget who and where I am.

Most of all, I want the damn knocking to stop. I want the person on the other side of the door to get bored and leave me be, but another soft thud dispels that wish.

Realizing that I'm going to have to answer, I stash the bottle and the glass on the other side of my bed and walk to the door.

I jerk it open, expecting to see some kid with a detention slip from McGonagall. A lecture-ready Alice waiting for me on the opposite side. Maybe even a downtrodden James looking for a place to get away.

But I'm wrong, very, very wrong.

"What is so important that y—?"

My pulse automatically begins to race and I can't even finish the sentence. My hip is leaning against the wall, one hand gripping the door and the other using the frame as a brace, while I gaze into a set of bottomless blue eyes.

Eyes that I was convinced would never meet mine again.

"Sirius."

Her voice is so melodic, so dreamlike. Even the large slab of ice surrounding my heart is thawing from the sweet sound. I feel like I haven't heard it in years. I've missed it.

"Marlene."

Until now, I never realized how much I missed her eyes and her voice. I have classes with her and I hear her chatting with her friends, but we do what we can to steer clear of one another. She hasn't spoken to me since that day and vice versa.

And now, here she is. She's standing here in the flesh, looking as beautiful as ever, and I have absolutely no idea what I should do.

I'm torn between my heart's longing to hold her close and my mind's anger to slam the door in her face, let her walk away with a heavy heart like she did to me.

"Um, I thought I'd stop by and, er, see how you were doing. I haven't seen you in a while. But if you're busy…"

Her eyes dance nervously between me and the floor, struggling to stay focused on one thing.

And finally, they land on me. I shiver, but I'm not cold. _Definitely_ not cold.

"I-I'm not. Please, come in." I step back and gesture for her to walk in with a wave of my arm.

She enters the room and as she passes, I can smell her strawberry-scented shampoo mixed with the sweetest perfume.

What the hell is_wrong_ with me? I never paid this much attention to her scent. Her eyes never sent shivers down my spine before.

I must be sick.

I grudging shut the door and follow her into the room. There's plenty of space for the two of us to sit or stand, but I want to be far away from her. I need to be away. I'm not sure if it's because I don't want her to smell the rum or if it's because of the peculiar way my instincts are reacting to her visit.

"So…how are you?"

I keep my bowed and mumble a reply of fine, "So-so."

I'm not looking at her directly, but I know exactly what she's doing. Her leg is bouncing. She's chewing on her bottom lip. Removing the imaginary dirt from her fingernails. Anything to avoid the awkward moment.

"I've talked to Lily."

Four words that have me on guard.

We've switched positions; _I'm_ tense, _I'm_ aiming nervous glances in her direction. Marlene was the first to point out my strain with James and Lily's relationship. After all, it led to the demise of our own. That is definitely hard to overlook.

"She's not over him, you know. Far from it, to be completely honest. I was so stunned when she told me they broke up. They were so good together. Perfect. I didn't think anything would ever come between them."

I need a drink. My eyes dart over to my bed, knowing too well what is on the other side. But I can't get give into temptation. Not with Marlene around.

"It's amazing, the stuff they've been through together. All of those years he spent trying to win her heart, all the progress they made within the last year. They've made it this far just to give up. It doesn't make sense."

Hair has fallen into my eyes and I shake my head to flick it away. My stomach clenches as I give a half-hearted retort.

"A lot of things don't make sense, but they happen anyway."

She sends me skeptical look and I automatically avert my gaze.

"I know that, but…look who we're talking about, Sirius. This is James and Lily! They were—they _are_—meant to be."

"Like us, right? We thought we were meant for each other too, didn't we?"

As soon as those words spilled from my loose tongue, I instantly regretted them. Her face is downcast and I'm unable to see her expression, but I know my words have stung her. And when she finally speaks, I have to strain to hear it.

"I asked for that. It was stupid of me to blurt out such a loaded statement like that. I wasn't thinking, I-"

"No, no, it's fine, really. I'm the one who should be apologizing. That was a low blow. There's just a lot of shit going on and…I shouldn't have said that to you. I wasn't thinking. To be honest, I haven't been doing a lot of that lately."

She lifts her head, concern written on her face. She's always been this way. Always concerned with my life and everything in it. Always concerned about how I was handling the situation with my family, for example. Her heart is so big, so generous and loving. And so much like the one I destroyed a week or so ago.

"Listen. I know we're not on the best of terms, but you look like something's weighing on your mind. If you want…if you need someone to talk to you, I'm here for you. But please, tell me…is something wrong? Are you okay?"

It's almost like apparition when she's suddenly by my side, one hand kneading the aching muscles of my back while the other clings to my hand.

Something about her touch makes me relax. Something about the way her soft voice rings in my ears, the way her fingers soothe me in the easiest of ways, the way she emanates a form of love that I've never felt before…it feels so right.

It feels so perfect.

It feels better than the burn of alcohol, better than the high of a joint. It feels like home…a home I never knew existed.

"I've made a mistake, Marlene. But that shouldn't come as a shock," I mumble, lowering my head slightly.

My heavy heart begins to lift just a little. All of these thoughts, feelings, and urges have been locked inside for too long. It feels like a damn has cracked and the water is progressively seeping through the crevices.

But it has yet to give way completely.

"I'm not proud of it… I wish I could undo everything. But I can't…and I'm not sure I can fix it."

She nods her head in understanding, even though she has no idea. Not the slightest. It's a dark secret beyond her wildest dreams. Her curious and worried are eyes are seeking mine, trying to get me to reveal my problem. Trying to find out what went wrong.

And then it hits me.

The jitters, the nervous glances, the desire to spill everything; it all makes sense now.

The way her scent makes me want to bring her closer, the way her eyes lure me in, and the way her voice warms my heart. The way I could get used to having all of these things everyday.

The way I've missed her so much since she left.

_I love her. _

Everything about her: her wit, her spirit, her beauty. Everything. How she wrinkles her nose when she sees or smells something she dislikes. How she's willing to take the first step even when it's my fault.

I can't explain it. I don't know how it happened.

I'm not supposed to fall in love. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve to fall in love.

But I am.

And that makes it so much harder to tell her. A hundred times harder to put it in words because I know what will happen.

I'll lose her again. Only this time, it'll be for good.

She would hate me or in the very least, be extremely let down. She and Lily are friends. Not _too_ close, but close enough to where she would be very disappointed and angry at my news. And she's admitted to talking to Lily. She's watched her cry. She's been there to comfort her.

How can I tell her that I deliberately hurt two of my friends? That I'm the one responsible? How can I tell her that I'm not the person I used to be, that I'm not the person she fell in love with?

"Go on, Sirius. Say it." She says, discerning my reluctance and placing a hand on my bicep, but I can only shake my head.

I can't do this. I can't tell her.

"I…can't. I need to be alone." I hastily stand up from the chair and move away from her. Her hand is hanging in midair, still in the same location where it rested on my arm. My arm is still tingling from just five seconds of contact.

"Please, Sirius…just talk to me."

"You should go, Marlene. I just need to be alone right now."

She's standing somewhere behind me. I'm not sure how close, but close enough to where I can hear her irregular breathing.

"You don't have to do this, Sirius. Whatever the problem is, you don't have to face it alone. Please, let me help."

She doesn't understand. It's so simple, so easy for her to say those words when she doesn't know the whole story. Not even half of it.

I spin around, startling both of us. My face is just a little bit closer to hers, the position a little more intimate than I'd planned.

"You don't get it Marlene, you just don't. No one does. This is not your cross to bear. It's mine. There's no one who can help, not a single soul on Earth. So please…go."

She looks down, not wanting me to see her fall apart again. It reminds me of the last time she left.

This is too much.

The same crushed look is on her face. The same tears are threatening to fall. Only this time, when she comes to the door, she isn't angry. She has no harsh, final words to say. She does a half-turn and a forlorn smile adorns her face, but she's still not looking directly at me.

"I didn't think I would ever say these words, but…I miss you, Sirius. I really do," She says, her voice barely above a whisper.

"If you need someone to talk to, you know where to find me."

I turn my back as the door clicks shut.

Once again, she's gone. One again, I let her leave. Only this time, I asked her to go.

She wanted to stay. She wanted to help me. And I pushed her away.

Maybe this is justice being served.

I've made my bed, now I must lie in it.

"I know you're in here, Sirius, now quit being an arse and open the door before the fifth years see me and start getting ideas. Too much talking going on as it is."

Alice's nauseatingly jovial voice shouts from right outside the door and my eyes fly open, but not for long. My head is already pounding and the bright daylight filtering into the room is not helping in the slightest.

Cracking on eye, I glance over at the door, praying that she's abandoned her reason for coming here. But as soon as I get comfortable once again, the sound of banging is enough assurance that I won't be getting peace any time soon.

"Damn it," I grumble, flinging the sheets back and slowly rising to stand on my bare feet. In my hurry, I consequently send the diverse—and drained—bottles of alcohol to the floor. Without even bothering to fix my hair or change my attire, I open the door.

"What the bloody hell do you want now?"

My head is _still_ throbbing from the excess alcohol combined with the vivid sunlight. The last thing I need or want is another sermon.

"Aren't you just a lovely ray of sunshine this morning? Or shall I say, afternoon?" She laughs sarcastically while I stagger to the edge of my bed, yet she remains by the door.

"Well first of all, it's almost twelve and we have class at one, so I recommend that you hop in the shower. You look horrible. Secondly—and I have a feeling I already know the answer so this is probably pointless, but—have you returned the ring to James yet?"

Immediately, my eyes zoom over to the nightstand drawer. Inside lies the said ring that should be on Lily's finger right now. The ring that I've frequently stared at from the moment Alice dropped it off.

"No, I haven't. I'll give it to him today. I will."

She sighs, her frustration with me visible.

"Apparently you _do_ think they deserve this."

The sentence is like a bomb to my heart. It hits, explodes, and my heart is aching painfully in my chest.

She walks down the steps, the dismissal, "See you in class," echoing in her wake.

After a hasty shower, I grab the box from the drawer and join the flock of people in the busy hallways with one purpose in mind.

Give James the ring.

The closer I get to the classroom, the louder my pulse seems to thump. I can see Remus, Peter, and several other seventh years from separate houses waiting by the door.

No James.

"Well hello, Sleeping Beauty. We were wondering if you'd rejoined the land of the living yet," Remus chuckles as he slips his books under one arm and angles himself to face both Peter and I.

"Have you seen James?" I ask, shuffling my feet timidly.

"I have."

A deep voice startles me and I turn to see the James at the back of the line, trying to tuck in his shirt into his slacks and adjusting his uniform before McGonagall spots him.

"What's going on? You look like you've lost your best friend. Have no fear, Padfoot, I'm right here." He says.

He's trying to resurrect his lively personality, but the statement hits far too close to home right now. I can't laugh or even smile. There's nothing funny about this. Nothing at all.

He looks like hell.

His face is thin and pale, even more so than the last time I talked to him. His eyes look weak, not even a small glimmer of amusement can be found.

My heart is hammering in my chest and I feel like I might drop dead of a heart attack right here and now.

"Er, I have to give you something. Can we, uh, move to some place a little more…out of the way?"

A lop-sided grin spreads on his face as we walk over to a little corner. It's not much better, but it's still an improvement.

"Sure. What is it?"

For a second, I almost back out. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm putting the nail in the coffin on my best friend's relationship. A relationship that I eradicated.

My fingers tremble wildly as the latch onto the small object in my pocket. Slowly, very slowly, I pull it out.

He recognizes it immediately and his face seems to lose a little more color, if possible. This was the last thing he expected…or needed.

He doesn't say anything. Remus and Peter watch carefully from a short distance as they, too, identify the item.

James' chest is heaving as he extends his hand and takes the box from mine.

"You talked to her? When?" His voice is unsteady and he's barely able to get the words out.

"Alice gave it to me. I didn't see her."

His hazel eyes are clouded with pain and suppressed tears and he turns away from me, walking back towards the line.

His thumb rubs over the object in his hand as he stares at it carefully, seemingly lost in his own world. And then all of a sudden, he stops and turns back. His eyes land on me.  
**  
**"See it? See this box?" he holds the box up for all of us to get a good look, "This box right here is my future. This box holds everything I ever wanted: my hopes, my dreams, every single one of them. And now they're worthless."

His words twist the dagger in the heart. He couldn't be further from the truth. That box is still worth something to the both of them. It still carries the same meaning. That will never change.

"Merlin, why? Why did she do this?"

His voice cracks, chocked full of emotion. He doesn't look back at me as he runs his fingers through his hair and begins to pace.

Peter and Remus look at me. I'm his best friend, I should know what to tell him. I should give him support. But I don't know what to say and neither do they. They're asking themselves the same question, unaware that I already know the reason.

_I told her. _

_I told her! _

The words are spoken so clearly in my head. I'm internally shouting them, wanting to rid myself of this burden, this guilt. My mouth opens slightly before falling shut again. It's the same thing, the same hesitation that happened with Marlene.

I just can't say it.

In the meantime, a foolish Peter decides to walk over to James and places a hand on his shoulder.

"It'll be all right, Prongs," He says, trying his hardest to believe his own words.

He's trying to be so optimistic and cheerful, but it's not effective. But apparently Peter doesn't know that.

"I heard Sarah Kinsley is interested in you. W-why don't you take her to Hogsmeade? It could help take your mind o-off of things."

Peter's intentions are earnest, but I know what James reaction will be. This conversation is déjà vu.

The cold, hard glower that I've become familiar with bores into Peter before he set sights on Remus and myself.

"You think that I spent years trying to win her heart just so some new girl can come and instantly erase her? Are you really that dense? Do you know me at _all_?"

All three of ours heads bow in disgrace. His shouting is drawing attention from other students and they lean in, desperate to hear what he has to say.

And so he tells them.

"All this time, this is what you've been thinking? '_Move on_, _get over_ _her_'…is that what you say behind my back? Fuck her! Fuck Lily! Is that what you bloody want? Then fuck you! _Fuck.__You_."

He pushes away from the wall and stops in front of me, looking around at the small crowd that has gathered. A scathing laugh bounces off the adjacent walls, but there is no humor as he quickly wipes the tears from his face.

"If that's what you really think, if that's what you honestly believe, then you're sorely mistaken."

His wounded eyes are looking straight into mine and for a second, I'm convinced that he can see into my soul. That he can see the lies I've told and the destruction I've caused.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She's everything to me. I couldn't ask for anyone else, I couldn't need anyone else, and I definitely don't want anyone other than her. Lily Evans is irreplaceable."

And every second that his eyes remain locked with mine…every word he whispers…every tear that trickles down his face…amplifies the weight on my shoulders.

And if I don't remove it soon, if I don't say what so desperately needs to be said, I will be crushed.

I've lost my family. I've lost Marlene. I've lost Lily. I've lost myself.

And though he doesn't see it, though he has no clue, I've already lost James as well. I lost him the second I confronted Lily.

I've lost this battle. I just hope I don't lose the war.

'_The nights are lonely, the days are so sad  
I just keep thinking about the love that we had  
I'm missin' you  
And nobody knows it but me…'_


	16. 15: Are You Happy?

**A/N**: A BIG chapter and I'm not just talking about the length. I've been working on it for a while (as I have every chapter) and I hope it's turned out okay. It's about 16 pages in Word (might be my longest to date).

Thank you all for being understanding right now as I work around my schedule. I was halfway expecting someone to be pretty mad at me and it's such a relief to know that you can relate to what I'm going through or at least empathize. I've got so many things to focus on and I hope it isn't having an effect on my writing ability. But back to my central point. Thanks so much for your reviews, your encouragement, and your compliments even when I haven't earned them (a pretty little heart was supposed to go here, but noooo...won't allow it...pisses me off).

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE**  
Chapter 15**: Are You Happy?

'_And so it is  
Just like you said it would be  
Life goes easy on me  
Most of the time  
And so it is  
The shorter story  
No love, no glory  
No hero in her sky…'_

_"The Blower's Daughter"- Damien Rice _

_**Lily's POV**_

**December 3, 1976  
Friday**

So many people talk about my strength, my persistence.

They find it remarkable that, as a muggleborn surrounded by narrow-mindedness, I live my life as though I don't grasp that I am _supposed_ to be an outcast. They think it's amazing that I can push those cruel words to the back of my mind and carry myself with dignity.

It's an attribute I am known for and very proud of.

But right now, I'm having an enormously difficult time mustering it.

Because tonight, I'll have to face James. I'll have to patrol with James for two whole hours.

I saw this moment in the horizon. It's lurked in the far corners of my mind and I've been dreading for a while now.

I've tried to pull myself together. I've tried to organize my thoughts. And for a second, I managed to convince myself that it would be all right. That by some miracle, I would make it out of this alive and whole.

But as soon as the second evaporated, so went my optimism.

So now, I sit here next to Alice and Marlene in the Gryffindor common room with my Head Girl badge situated and wand ready. Watching the log in the fireplace as it dwindles into ashes, listening to the small number of occupants in the room blather about their homework, and waiting for the big hand on my watch to settle on twelve.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure what I would say to him if circumstances force us to talk. It would be beyond inept, beyond uncomfortable.

He's followed my request just like I knew he would; we haven't spoken since our split. We don't sit together. We don't steal glances or share sweet smiles. We don't do anything, not for each other anyhow.

We just…_exist_.

But I know that in due course, I _will_ have to meet him. I'll have to hold my chin up and go on like his company doesn't faze me. Like the break-up never happened. Like _we_ never happened. After all, we can't slack off our duties to the school just because our relationship ended.

And while I'll try to present be as composed as possible on the exterior, the interior will be a very different story. I'll be a complete wreck then just as I am right now. I know that I will have to look him in the eye sooner or later, and I'll confess that I'm terrified of what I'll see behind those round lenses.

He probably doesn't want to be in the same room with me, let alone walking by my side for two hours straight. I can't say I blame him, not one bit. He might even suggest that we patrol separately just to get away. Frankly, I don't know what would hurt worse: him speaking to me—knowing things aren't even close to what they were before—or him ignoring me the entire time.

I look at the girls sitting across and beside me, both lost in a conversation while I struggle with my own demons.

Tonight, I won't have this. I won't have the solace of a supportive Alice by my side. I won't have Marlene's shoulder to cry on. And I especially won't have James' hand to hold or his jokes to laugh at to buy the time.

I look down at the smooth, pallid skin that is now visible on my right ring finger. Skin that used to be covered by my promise ring. Without that minute piece of jewelry, I feel so stripped and exposed. That small band held more meaning than anyone could ever know. Possibly more than _I_ ever knew.

A warm hand—Alice's hand—slides over mine and I lift my head to see both she and Marlene are studying me.

"It'll be all right, Lil," She whispers reassuringly, but her dubious eyes betray her confident pep talk.

Thought it might not do me as much good as she hoped, she knows how much I needed to hear that. She knows the doubts that are going through my head no matter how good of an act I put on. If there is one thing I'll never be able to do, it's hiding my real emotions from Alice Foster.

My eyes remain on hers for a split second before I return them to the fire once more.

"Maybe tomorrow we can go to Hogsmeade. Just you, Marlene, and me. It'll do you some good to get out of here for a while and we can do some Christmas shopping while we're out."

I shake my head, sending my wild red hair flying to Godric only knows where.

"I'd rather not."

She looks at me curiously, eyes wide and a little dumbfounded that I would forgo a prospective enjoyable trip so that I could remain cooped up in Gryffindor tower all afternoon.

"You can't keep running away from everyone. Some people and responsibilities—like James and what you have to do tonight, for instance—can't be avoided forever. You're making it harder on yourself than need be."

Deep down I know that she's right, but it's easier said than done. It's easier to say you'll confront the problem or embrace it than to actually_do_ it. I don't want to take the risk of running into James at Hogsmeade with a ditzy girl hanging from his arm. I'd rather not run into him at all. This night will be as hell for me; there's no need to rub salt into a fresh, open wound.

"I'll consider it."

I don't wait to hear her reaction, opting to look out the window at the night sky instead. And thankfully, she takes the hint and doesn't persist. Any other time, Alice would press the issue until I caved. But she understands that now is not the appropriate time to push me, not when I'm about to meet my ex face-to-face.

This is what I love and appreciate the most about her. She can sense when I'm not in the right mood to discuss or do something and other times—times when she knows that I'm dying to let go, she's right by my side to take whatever I dish out.

As the hand on my watch ticks away, I feel my heart start to race even faster. I fold my hands together, close my eyes, and say a short and silent prayer. And with a good, long, deep breath, I stand up and stretch my aching joints, avoiding eye contact with anyone looking my way.

"If you're up to it, you can tell me how it went when you get back," Alice says, giving me a small smile of reassurance, "I'll be here for you if you need me, you know that."

"I do," I give her a small smile and give her hand a little squeeze, "And thanks. I needed to hear that."

All the same, I'm not ready for this.

"Just breathe, Lily. It's James. It's _Potter_. You've been in awkward situations with him before. Just go out there and do what you have to do and it'll be over before you know it."

I look at Marlene and she wraps her arm around my shoulders.

"Where is he?"

And now she's the one taking the deep breaths, but I'm closing in on another one.

"He told me he would be right outside. He should be waiting for you."

I'm nearing the portrait hole when I notice someone moving quickly towards me out of the corner of my eye.

"Hey, er, I don't mean to bother you. I know you have somewhere to be."

A thousand different thoughts rush through my brain as I hear a well-known voice. And when I look up, I'm facing a pair of dark gray eyes.

"Sirius. What do you need?"

His eyes are constantly shifting from object to object, never meeting mine head-on. He's very jumpy.

"I'd like to have a quick talk with you. You have a couple of minutes left before nine. Do you mind?"

Alice stands a few steps away from us with her hands on her hips, her eyes darting dangerously between Sirius and myself. I know she disapproves of him approaching me, but she knows this is my call. If I don't want to talk with him, I can say no and walk away.

But I can't do that. While a portion of me wants him gone, the majority wants to hear him out.

I'd like to agree and prolong the conversation to deliberately postpone my meeting with James. But then there's also the small fact that Sirius Black is not in my top ten of favorite people to talk with either.

I'm between a rock and a hard place.

"It can't be long."

I glance around the room and give Marlene, Frank (who just joined our small gathering a minute ago) and Alice an assuring nod. Marlene and Frank get up to leave the room at once (Marlene's gaze lingering on Sirius a bit longer than usual since they split…and I notice Sirius' eyes fall on her as soon as her back is turned), not really giving it a second thought.

Alice, on the other hand, is a little more unwilling to leave us alone and I can understand why. She's the only other person besides Sirius and I who knows what really happened. I suppose she's weary of him, afraid that he'll say something else to upset or persuade me. But after a good fifteen seconds or so, she gives Sirius a long, hard look before following the other two.

I turn back around and wait for him to explain the meaning behind this, but he doesn't return my stare. He runs a hand through his hair and I'm instantly reminded of James. The two of them are very different, but they've picked up some of each other's habits over time. James always ruffled his hair when he was nervous, so it's only natural that Sirius would develop the same practice.

"I knocked on the door to your dorm but I didn't get an answer."

Skimming over the common room, I scrutinize a lamp as if it were some new, interesting addition. I've seen it countless times before.

"I'm not staying there, not anymore," My voice is low so the stragglers in the common room can't hear, "He's living there. I can't go back. There are way too many memories and it would only be uncomfortable for the both of us."

Now I'm the one avoiding his gaze. And even though I can't see his face from this angle, I know his expression. My words stung him and a part of me—a twisted, sadistic fraction can't help but be glad.

"So, you must have something to say if you needed to talk right now. What is it?"

My voice cracks as I speak. I wasn't primed for this evening in general, much less for this unanticipated tête-à-tête.

"I wanted to talk. You walked away from me the last time I tried to talk to you and I…I wanted to know how you're doing."

It's a tone I've never heard from Sirius Black: discreet, delicate, and even considerate. One I'm sure he has abstained from using.

"I'm still alive and breathing, thanks for asking."

And that's all I know to tell him. I'm alive, I'm breathing, I'm attending class. Attempting to take it all in stride even though a part of me has already wilted away. It's a long hard road full of many potholes and large rocks and I can't see the end. But I have to get there. It's all I can do to push this out of my mind.

He can't look at me when I face him. He's been following me this entire conversation, but when he sees the hurt in my eyes, he can't bear it and has to look away.

"What else am I supposed to do, Sirius? I don't really have a choice. James is not with me anymore. For all I know, for all I've seen or talked to him since then, he could be moving on. But he was everything to me and he's not a part of my life anymore.

"It's kind of ironic. I used to get so annoyed when he followed me around. Or when he gave me little random gifts. We weren't even going out…I didn't even like him, but he insisted on doing everything in his power to prove he loved me. I never thought I'd miss any of those things. I guess they had to stop in order for me to finally appreciate them."

I throw my hands up and laugh a little, a salty stream collecting in my eyes.

"So I do what I can. I do my best. It's all I _can_ do."

He stands by the fireplace—a good distance across from me with his arms crossed and sleeves rolled up—keeping his eyes locked on the dim flames.

"He's still in love with you, Lily."

I have to put up a good fight to hold back the imminent tears. I have no right to cry. I'm the one who put an end to it. I made a choice, I broke his heart.

"It doesn't matter, Sirius. Those words can't change the truth. They can't undo what you said to me and what I said to James. I loved him then and I love him now, but it doesn't change what happened. He hid something so massive from me; all four of you did. What's done is done. I sacrificed and you have your friend back. You won."

He rolls his sad, puppy dog eyes from the fire to me. An indefinite amount of time goes by, but neither one of us turn away. Not until my intellect kicks in and I look down at my wrist.

"It's nine o'clock. I need to get going."

I turn from him and climb the steps leading to the frame, feeling his eyes on the back of my head the entire crossing.

"Lily."

I face him one final time and I can see his emotional mayhem. He opens his mouth, rummaging for the right words, but closes it hurriedly. He's torn between the choosing of his heart and mind

"Remember what I said and...good luck."

I stare at him at him as I stretch my hand for the knob, getting the impression that he wanted to say more. A lot more.

My legs are wobbly as I turn the handle and concurrently take one last deep breath. And as I look down at the floor, I detect the one person I've been avoiding all week come closer. I'm not sure what I'll see if I raise my head, so I try not to look.

But my strength of will fades quickly. As soon as the Fat Lady swings shut behind me, my eyes land on his.

What little resolve I had mustered in the common room was lost as I stared into those dark pools. All concentration, all remembrance of why I was essentially here vacated my mind.

I'm breathless. The agony, the pain…it's all there. And so is the love, just like Sirius told me it would be.

I lower my head, making an effort to break the connection between us, but I know that it's hopeless. I have to silently drink in every moment I can spend with him because it's so rare for us to be this close to one another now. Unable to resist the attraction any longer, I peer up at his tall frame once more.

And that's when I notice it.

That's when I see something that takes the breath right out of me.

His necklace._The_ necklace. And the ornament hanging from it causes my already shattered heart to crumble into a million little pieces.

His ring.

He's still sporting his promise ring. And mine…mine was given back to him alongside an even more valuable piece of jewelry.

My eyes seemed to be entranced and no matter how bad I want to, I can't rip them away. It's like a magnet and I hope my body is drawing closer to it like my eyes seem to be.

Fifteen minutes.

Thirty.

Forty-five.

A full hour and four 80 deducted house points later, we are still draped in an uncomfortable silence with no way to break through.

"Are you happy?"

I'm drawn out of my trance by his monotonous voice and I chance a look at him, but I only peek long enough to see his blank face staring straight ahead.

"W-what?" I stammer, floored by him initiating a conversation.

"I asked if you're happy. Now that you've succeeded in removing me from your life, are you?"

My head turns to the side while my feet keep walking. To where, I'm not sure. Right now, it doesn't matter.

"I think we both know the answer to that. There was no sense in asking—"

"Bollocks!"

He turns to face me so swiftly that I almost bump into him with my shoulder, but I manage to right myself before we collide.

"I have every right to ask! I have every right to ask you whatever I bloody want! One minute, we were happy. You were happy. And the next day, the very next damn day, you're kicking me out of your life! I'm so fucking sorry if I don't get it, but who else am I supposed to ask these questions? Who else can give me a straight answer 'cause you sure as hell aren't doing it!"

"Why don't you ask him?!" I shout at the top of my lungs, my voice bounding off the walls, statues, portraits…anything in close proximity.

Shit.

"I don't kn—"

He breaks off in mid sentence, his expression changing from angry to confused, and I know I've said too much. Way too much.

"What? What do you mean 'ask him'? Ask who?"

My breathing quickens and I try to speed up, but his hand stops me when it lands on my arm. His grip is light yet forceful, but I still feel the inevitable tingles.

"No. You're not going anywhere. You're going to tell me exactly what you meant by that."

He gives me a few minutes, waiting for me to say something. Anything. His intense gaze is boring into me, trying to find my weakness.

Not recognizing that _he_ is my weakness.

"I know you don't want to be here right now and that you told me to leave you alone. But the thing is, Lil…I can't. Not until you tell me what happened. I believe you owe me an explanation. I was a part of our relationship too, you know."

"I…," I pause, trying to think of some reason other than the truth.

It's stuck in my throat, threatening to fall out of my mouth, and I almost say it. I almost tell him about my discussion with Sirius. I almost tell him the real incentive. Not some half-baked excuse that I tell everyone else, him included.

But the words change as soon as they come out of my mouth.

"You smother me, you follow me around like a lost puppy. I can't be the center of your universe, James. I won't replace your friends. And if that's what you plan on doing, then I can't be with you. I don't want to be with you."

I internally cringe at that last part. I'm lying. I know it. He knows it.

Of course I don't want to replace his friends, I don't want it to come to that. I don't want him to sacrifice anything and everything just to be with me. But then again, I want to be a part of his life so bad that it hurts.

Those softhearted eyes grow hard. He doesn't look angry. He doesn't look sad. He looks distant…cold, giving me a scowl that I've never seen before.

"You're lying."

My eyes must be wide, not concealing my panic, because he definitely takes notice. And he definitely calls me on it.

"Surprised that I can read you so well?" He chuckles resentfully, looking away and then back a fracture of a second later, "How soon you forget that I know you, maybe even better than you know yourself. Now tell me the real reason instead of some crackpot cover story."

His fingers are still locked around my arm, but they've slackened their hold just a little bit. He's so close that I can count the flecks of green and gold in each iris. I can see the faint, jagged line of a scar running diagonally from his cheek to his jaw and the small mark above his right eyebrow. I can feel him panting against my lips.

His free hand lovingly strokes my cheek and my eyes quiver shut at the soft touch. My mind can only contemplate the way the coarse pads of his fingers feel against my sensitive skin, the way his breath seems to wash over my body from head to toe. The way it's been too long since I've felt like this.

I'm reminded of all the ways he loves me and each touch we've ever shared. I'm reminiscent of the day I finally said yes, the instant he said the three words that made my world come alive, and our first time together.

I'm frozen to the spot, my body yielding to the power he has over me. Not just physically but emotionally and spiritually as well.

_So close. So tempting. So improper for me to encourage._

_I've let him go, I can't have him back. I can't lead him on like this. _

As soon as the tender, blissful moment came, it was gone just as fast. I'm jarred back to a cruel reality. His hands still have a hold on me, but the warmth is now absent.

My eyes fly open, but I'm not greeted by a faithful set of hazels.

A pair of silver orbs are glaring back at me, full of anxiety, concern, and fear—so much fear. Fear of losing the one person who understands him more than anyone else in the world. Fear of losing his brother.

"Lily…"

Upon hearing my name, I snap out of…whatever _that_ was. It was like I was hypnotized and the magic word to break my stupor was my very name.

I stare inanely at the man in front of me and he lets out a frustrated sigh, fully conscious that I haven't even been thinking about giving him an answer.

"If what you say is the problem, I'll fix it. It's a done deal. I'll give whatever space you need. I'll do what it takes. But I know you. I know your heart. And I know you wouldn't intentionally break mine. Talk to me, Lil. Open up to me like you used to."

I shut my eyes for a few seconds, praying that when I open them that I will find myself in Alice's snug bed. But I don't get my wish.

When I look at him again, I make out the desperation. I see what this has truly done to him. He's never been one to beg for anything; too much pride. But as I stand a mere breath away from him right now, I feel him begging me to give him an answer. A sufficient answer that will justify what I've done and why we can't be together again.

It would be so easy, so very easy to just let it slip and reveal everything. It would be so easy to make Sirius suffer. But by doing so, I would also make James suffer. I would tell him that his so-called best friend is the one behind this, the one who told me everything.

And he would not only suffer the heartbreak of a broken relationship, but a broken friendship too.

So once again, I bite my tongue and swallow the words. I spare Sirius for another day.

"I love you James, but I can't. I'm sorry."

And in that instant, I know it's over.

I pull loose from him and start down the hallway, waiting for him to stop me again. Waiting for him to yell my name. Waiting for him to catch up with me and block my way.

But he doesn't do any of those things.

He doesn't follow me. And I keep walking aimlessly. And when I look over my shoulder, I see the contour of his tall shadow shifting on the wall. I see the light from his wand drifting further and further away.

I see him leaving me for a second time.

* * *

**December 4, 1976  
Saturday**

I hate when people talk about me in 'whispers'.

Abso-fucking-lutely_ hate_ it.

It's the audacity that is so offensive to me. Like I'm either non-existent or too thick to understand what the conversation is about.

And I predominantly hate when they're right.

"I'm getting worried about her. She hasn't said one word about what happened last night when they were on patrols."

A lone tear slides down my cheek and onto my pillow as I lie on Alice's bed, feigning sleep. I reluctantly listen to the discussion going on by Marlene's bed, curious and a bit angry at how I've recently become their favorite topic of choice.

"You don't know what she's going through, Alice. You have Frank, you're in love, and you're happy," I can hear Marlene's trembling voice pipe up and I know she isn't just speaking on my behalf.

"Imagine if you lost that. That's how she feels right now. She's lost her boyfriend, practically fiancé. And we all know that a Lily Evans without James Potter is incomplete. Even when she hated him, she still needed him to vent her anger. At least that interaction was better than none at all. It's better than what's going on now. Without him in her life, she's lost."

Stillness. The only sound interrupting the calm comes from the brutal winter wind as it rattles the windows.

Alice can't deny that. _No one_ can deny that.

I flip over, now lying flat and staring up at the ceiling. This bed has been my residence since I came in from patrols. The strain of it all wore me down. I feel like I've been asleep for days and I'm sure I look the part. Even the greatest of spells most likely couldn't salvage my appearance—the heavy bags under my eyes, frazzled hair, and monochrome complexion.

I'm exhausted. Even if I had the might to hoist myself off of this mattress, I don't really think I'd want to. Problems come and go a lot easier when you stay in bed.

But there's one problem. One small, microscopic problem that seems to creep up every time I close my eyes and I can't rid myself of it.

Those broken hazel eyes are plaguing my nighttime visions and daytime fantasies. He's in my mind and it's just like he's in this very room. Like he's right beside me but I can't reach out to him.

He's with me again.

A taunting spiritual illusion that I can't seem to shake, but it's _so real_.

I can feel the heat of his body as if he were lying next to me. Hear the hum of his heart so explicitly as though my ear was pressed against his bare chest. Taste his tears as if they were combined with my own and realizing that I was the cause of them.

"Well, let's be off then. We should get in line; Filch will take forever letting us through."

"Wait, what about Frank? Don't you two always go together?" I ask, searching for an excuse to stay indoors.

"Most of the time, we do. But I asked him earlier if he didn't mind going separate today and he was fine with it. The three of us haven't got to spend time with each other outside of the castle and today's our day."

"But—" I begin to protest, but Alice cuts me off before I can get another word in.

"We're going to Hogsmeade and that's final."

* * *

I tug my hand-knitted wool scarf closer to my neck in a desperate attempt to block out the cold, but I have to keep one hand on my matching hat to prevent it from blowing away. The wind speed had greatly decreased since we got out of the carriages, but it's still strong enough to cut through the warmest of winter wear and blow away the slightest things. 

Marlene and Alice made for Honeydukes right away, leaving me no choice but to follow them. We passed by an interesting store on our way through the village but I knew they wouldn't want to stop until they got their sugar-induced highs.

"If you two don't mind, I'm going to make a quick trip over to that little store further down the street that we passed on the way here. I saw something in the window my mum might like and I thought I'd pick it up. Be back in a jiff."

They both nod and mumble something indecipherable, too immersed in the many delectable wonders of Honeydukes to pay me any mind. I walk out of the door a second later, listening to the light tinkling of the bell as the door opens and closes behind me, and step onto the snow-laden streets of Hogsmeade.

The scenery is quite lovely, the description you only read about in novels but rarely see in real life.

Children—most of them first years—are prancing through the snow, occasionally stopping and bending over to form their best snowballs. The shopkeepers have charmed their shovels and brooms to remove the mounds of slush accumulating on their doorsteps. Couples of all ages, particularly the Hogwarts students, can be seen streaming in and out of Madame Puddifoot's Café like an army of ants.

And here I stand, cold and theoretically alone, watching as they pass me by.

This just serves as a nasty reminder of why I really didn't want to come here, why I protested against visiting in the first place. I wanted to stay indoors, curl up with a good book and maybe a cup of hot chocolate. But no, I just had to come here. I just had to let them propel me into the land of self-induced misery.

What if I saw James walking out with another girl on his arm? He loves me, I know he does, but that can't stop him from trying to move on. And after what happened last night, I've given him no reason to carry on his adoration.

I shunned him. I deflected his questions and walked away. And I nearly made matters worse by saying 'ask him', momentarily forgetting that the 'him' in the scenario is his best friend.

I begin the trek down to the quaint store, keeping my eyes straight ahead the full trip. The wind has picked up slightly, hurling large flakes of snow into my eyes and tangling my hair. The walk seems to be taking forever in these weather conditions.

Out of the blue, the tiny hairs on the nape of my neck start to prickle. An involuntary shiver runs down my spine in spite of my efforts to stifle it.

I hate this feeling. The knowing feeling I get when someone is watching me, hiding, waiting to make a move.

Before James and I started dating, I had that feeling frequently. He would sneak under his invisibility cloak and follow me to lunch, to the library, to the owlry…almost everywhere. I finally caught him red-handed by pure chance (my foot got tangled in the material of the cloak and inadvertently yanked it off).

But this is different. This is peculiar, borderline alarming.

Of course, I am surrounded by dozens of people, so it's a good probability that someone is staring at me. Still, it doesn't put my nerves at ease. I just can't shake that feeling.

Have you ever been so paranoid that you begin to drive yourself crazy? That's how I'm feeling right now. Constantly looking around, peeping over my shoulder, for a set of prying eyes that I'm not sure even exist. I imagine I'm providing a good show for bored spectators.

Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's just my imagination running wild. Maybe I'm losing what's left of my sanity.

So deep in concentration, I loosened my grip on the rim of my hat and a gust of wind carries it a good distance away. As if the heavy snowfall and icy winds aren't enough to make my bad day even more worse, I see the irregular shape of my hat lying at the entrance of a dark alleyway.

It figures. I didn't even know Hogsmeade _had_ dark alleyways.

As soon as I move forward to snatch it from it's snowy bed, I know something is wrong. The eerie feeling I've had since I left Honeydukes is back again and it feels stronger than ever before.

I reach for the hat with one hand and for my wand with the other. My fingers tighten around the thin willow and I rehearse a few handy spells in my head, preparing for whatever awaits me when I turn around.

But I'm too late.

"_Petrificus Totalus!" _

My mind barely has enough time to register the words and what is happening to me before I see a burst of light speeding directly towards my chest. Instantly, my legs lock together and my face collides roughly with rocks, mud, and sludge.

I aim to move. With all the strength I can muster, I try to lift my hand, my arm, my leg…any part of my body, but I can't. I'm not numb, I can still feel everything, but I can't lift a finger and I can't move my legs. The curse is too powerful.

I'm lying face down, stiff as a board in the wet snow, hidden in a dark alley under a body-bind curse, and at the mercy of whoever placed me under the hex in the first place.

So engrossed in my own useless thoughts when I become alert to the sound of crunching snow. Louder and louder and louder it becomes, a rhythm that's in sync with my violently throbbing pulse.

Then it stops.

A hand grips the length of my neck while the other snakes around my waist, pulling my inflexible back against a hard, flat chest. I'm lifted from the ground, allowing the snow that clung to my hair to drip down my neck and I'm _so fucking cold_.

My heart is beating so frantically in my chest and I know I'm shaking. I want to vomit. I want to cry. I want to be in my room and locked away from the rest of the world. At the same time, I want to fight. I want to scream. I want to not go down without a fight.

But above all else, I want to be with James.

As much as I've been praying I wouldn't see him all day, I would give anything to see his face or hear his voice right now. I'd love to be close to him like I was last night. But he's not here to love me. He's not here to save me.

_No one_ is here.

And then a voice whispers in my ear, suave and deceitful and utterly sickening. The voice I prayed to God that I would never have to hear again.

"I knew you'd see it my way in the end, _mudblood_."


	17. 16: In the Blink of An Eye

**Disclaimer:** I think it should be obvious by now…I own zilch from the HP world.

**A/N**: So sorry for the wait! **Edit**: I split up the chapters so it is easier for you to read and will be less confusing! Several things will happen in this chapter. You can show your marvelous appreciation by reviewing. Please and thank you :D

**Warning**: DH spoilers ahead! I've included a very small portion of text from DH (pg. 664 in the U.S. version).

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE  
**Chapter 16**: In the Blink of an Eye

**_Severus' POV_**

**December 4, 1976  
Saturday **

Pride.

It can be an admired quality or it can be the ruin of all.

It's a characteristic of Potter and Black. It's a characteristic passed down from generation to generation in almost every pureblood family.

And it's hardly, if ever, an attribute associated with my name.

Sure, there have been a handful of moments where I was proud of what I've done. Most of them involve a high ranking in my classes or getting the best of certain overconfident Gryffindors.

This is not one of those moments. And no matter what happens after this night, it will _never_ be one of those moments.

I suppose that it was expected of me when I was sorted into Slytherin house.

A half-blood, not pure enough to be a true Slytherin, but still more favored than the dirty muggleborns. Maybe the acceptance came when the one person who made me want to change for the better pushed me out of her life. Maybe that's when the whole lot started going down hill.

_They_ assume that I share their thoughts. And the majority of the time, I do. _They_ think I am converting into a faithful servant. And for the most part, I am.

_They_ would never dream that I would fall in love with a _mudblood_.

But I have.

I'm a divided servant, torn between this ache in my heart and the logical side of my mind telling me to ignore my feelings. In any case, I'm here now. I'm fulfilling my only destiny, turning to my last option to belong somewhere.

Tonight, I will come face-to-face with Death Eaters. It won't be long until I am one of them.

The stench of the room is absolutely terrible. A musty, old smell of rotting wood and mildew clutters my senses and I have to stifle a dry heave. Even the walls seem to reek something terrible. With the shredded draperies and splintered wood, it's obvious that Lupin has had his once-a-month fun here. Why the Shrieking Shack of all places?

Boots thud against the old stairs and the door is thrown back aggressively. A smirking Evan Rosier carries the flimsy mass in his arms, evidently pleased by what he has accomplished.

The small, frail body is dumped on the grimy floor without a sound of protest or groan of injury. The thick fabric of a black coat hides all of his or her features, even the hair. A Hogwarts student, just like he said it would be.

His stance reminds me of a proud warrior, triumphant after conquering his prey. Eyes wild in victory and a sinister smile curls up the corners of his pale mouth.

"Took you long enough," I jeer and take a step closer.

"There were a few minor difficulties on the way back. I petrified her at the start, but that made hauling her somewhat of an obstacle, so I stunned her instead."

His leer is still in place as eyes still dance over the small—and from what I've just learned, female—figure.

"Don't you think doing this here, so close to Hogsmeade, is a little too risky? What if someone hears or comes up here?"

"Relax, that's where silencing charms come into play. No one will hear anything, I'll make sure of that. All we have to do now is wait. The others should be here soon. They're going to _love_ this."

"How many 'others'?"

His eyes never leave the still form at his feet, "Malfoy, Avery, Mulciber, Dolohov, Lestrange. Maybe a few more if they choose to show. And you remember the _lovely_ Bellatrix."

Yes, of course. Bellatrix Black.

The epitome of pure evil, relentlessly seeking the exaltation of murder or the thrill of the torture. She gladly torments anyone or anything that crosses her path, developing quite a reputation for her many wrongdoings along the way.

She would _almost_ qualify as beautiful if it weren't for the lunacy within her coal black eyes. The look that tells you she is ruthless and unyielding to anyone or anything that steps in her path. The wickedness that runs just as naturally through her veins as her pure blood.

"Too bad you couldn't get that despicable little cousin of hers. Or better yet, Potter. I'd love to show that piss worm how it feels to be outnumbered. He's past due for a good beating."

"No matter, I've got the next best thing," He says smugly, crossing his arms as leaning against the wall behind him, "His heart."

Confusion comes first, followed by a solemn realization. No…he couldn't be talking about the person I'm thinking of.

"Come now, Severus. Surely you remember _her_. Need an indication? _Enervate!" _

The mound on the floor is suddenly animated as she writhes and squirming against invisible restraints. In the midst of her wiggling, the hood of her cloak falls back and reveals a mass of red hair.

_No, no, no…_

"Lily..." I whisper, not wanting to believe the sight I'm witnessing. The room is spinning I'm plunged into the past. The same memory just as fresh now as it was on the day it was produced.

"_It's obvious, isn't it?" _

_I rise hastily from the thick bushes I've been hiding behind the entire time and looking directly at the tiny redhead. Her sister, obviously the more bothersome of the two, screeches and moves away as fast as she can. _

"_What's obvious?" The young girl asks, cocking her head to the side and narrowing her emerald-green eyes. _

_I couldn't help but feel restless and a little eager as I returned her stare. I shoot a glance at the other girl to make sure she's out of earshot and say in a voice that only she can hear, "I know what you are."_

"_What do you mean?" She asks, her button nose wrinkling in bewilderment. _

"_You're…you're a witch."_

I couldn't describe the color of the sky on that day. I couldn't tell you how green the grass was or how warm the temperature might've been. I can't even summarize half of what her sister said.

But I could tell you everything about Lily.

I could tell you the exact shade of her eyes, the specific hue of her fiery mane, and the luster of her smile. I could tell you about how she came to me later, her curiosity piqued, and I filled her in on everything magic.

It was a new feeling, but a welcomed one—sharing such a remarkable secret with someone my own age. She didn't know the first thing about Hogwarts or witchcraft or wands until she met me.

That was the day Lily Evans walked into my world, became my first and only friend and soon after, my first and only love.

And oh, how I wish I could look at her and not see the little girl I grew up with. The young woman I fell in love with. How I wish I could hate her; it would make this much easier. How I wish I wasn't envious of Potter for stealing her heart.

_I wish._

I'm jarred from my stupor of unrealistic wishing when the object of my recollections is aggressively jerked off of the floor by her arms. Rosier presses her back to the nearest rundown wall, his body pinning against hers so compactly that she can't move her legs an inch.

It disgusts me the way his lust filled eyes travel up and down the length of body, taking in her disheveled appearance. Her jacket is gaping and her shirt is rumpled in the middle, exposing the slightest bit of pale flesh to his ravenous eyes.

"Let's have a little fun with her, shall we? After all, she is _fairly_ appealing."

"Stay away from me, you bastard! I would die before I _ever_ willingly touched _you_!" She screams, trying in vain to wrench her wrists out of his iron lock.

I expected him to look furious, prepared myself to watch him slam her against the wall. On the contrary, he drew her in until she was centimeters from his face.

"Don't give such loaded statements, I could hold you to that. And need I remind you that you are in no position whatsoever to tell me what I will or will not do," he hisses, practically spitting the words in her face.

"I have your wand, I have you bound, and I have you hostage. I hope you're not expecting Prince Potter to zoom in on his shiny little broom and whisk you far, far away. Darling, he doesn't know you're here. No one in Hogwarts knows you're here. Now be a good little girl and save the feistiness for the bedroom, love."

She's trembling and I can see tears glistening off of her skin, but they're not from fear. She doesn't look the least bit scared. I recognize the look on her face as one that she used to give Potter…and one that she gave to me once. But he overlooks her defiant body language, taking her tears to be a result of terror, not rage.

"You could do so much better than Potter…that nuisance is revolting. His family tree consists of nothing but blood traitors, thinking they have honor and privilege because they are charitable to the lower classes of the our race. No wonder the Dark Lord wants him finished off."

She tries to lift a hand to strike him with her palm but her labors are futile. He has both hands firmly wound around her wrists with no intention of letting go any time soon. Not until he's done with whatever plans he has in store.

"No, no, Evans. Didn't your mummy ever tell you it's rude to interrupt? Now where was I in my tale? Oh yes…the _dashing_ Mr. Potter. Did he ever tell you what he did to me? Why, it was horrible, Lily! Absolutely horrible; I was in the hospital wing for ages! But I'm sure you knew all of this, right? I'm sure you defended me just as you defended good ole Severus, correct?"

What could he be talking about? What did Potter do to him?

Lily's eyes refuse to meet neither his or mine while he scrutinizes her face with a self-satisfied smile playing on his lips.

"Lily, now that hurts me to the core! I was positive that you, of all people, would uphold my honor! Unless…unless you _didn't_ know. He didn't tell you did he? But surely you must be curious as to why your lover left me unscathed that second time around…"

He trails off, leaning just a bit closer until his nose is inches from hers and his breath fans the wisps of hair hiding grazing her cheekbones.

"Love can make you do crazy and foolish things, Lily. And your ex knows this better than anyone. You see, he's put himself in quite a fix. One owl to my father and I could destroy his family. I could get him expelled if I really wanted to. So really, he should be thankful. I hate his existence and yet I'm still letting him off relatively easy."

The lids of his ferocious eyes suddenly—lustfully—droop and he peers at her through his dark eyelashes.

"And then there's you," his tone is seductively low, "I'm curious why Potter's been fixed on you for years. I'm dying to learn the reasons behind his little…obsession…"

A gaunt white finger trails down the side of her cheek, tracing the wet path of a stray tear. Then all five clutch her jawbones, forcing her to look at him but she rips her gaze away. Determined to obscure her striking eyes, but unsure of where she can safely look.

Finally, her wide eyes lands on me.

A myriad of emotions too difficult to distinguish flitter across her delicate features as her gaze bores into mine.

It happens just like that.

Just like every other time I've looked at her before, I'm captivated. Even with this malevolence surrounding me, all I can see is her pale angelic face silently begging for the leniency that she bestowed on me numerous times.

She shielded and befriended me. She had faith when everyone else, including my own mother, brushed me off. And there were times when I certainly didn't deserve her friendship, let alone her guard.

I want to look away…I need to. I can't let my emotions show through. I can't let him see how much she means to me. My life depends on it. And most likely, hers depends on it as well.

But I can't break free. I'm under the spell that is single-handedly caused by her and nothing else seems to matter. I can't tear my eyes away from the face that I've dreamt of for so long, the eyes that have always beleaguered my mind since childhood. Since before I understood how dangerous it was to befriend her.

"Look at me when I'm speaking to you, mudblood. I've been watching you. Did you know that? Waiting, planning, plotting on all of the ways I could get you alone. But I never could do that with Potter and his band of miscreants surrounding you. We both know what happened both times I tried. But you know what? I don't have to worry about that now…I can touch you anyway I please."

This isn't the first time he's done something like this. And judging by the look on her face, it was horrific.

Anger bubbles in my chest like never before, not even when Potter and Black taunted and hexed me. Not even when I heard the shouts of my parents echoing through the house and in my head long after it was over.

Nothing, nothing can compare to what I feel right now.

"Maybe I'll be willing to share you. I'm sure _Sev_ would like a turn…"

As soon as the words came out of his mouth, I saw a spark ignite in her eyes. Without missing a beat, she drew back slightly and spat directly in his eye.

He violently shoves her away from him, sending her flying into the nearest table and knocking over a dusty glass lamp. The glass from the light jaggedly cuts into her skin and she flinches, but the painful tears never fall.

He wipes his eye clean, a repulsed expression replacing his haughty aura, but it only lasts a minute and he's deriding her once again.

"Lily, when will you learn? You need to be taught how to show some respect to your superiors, Miss Evans, and I'll gladly be your tutor!"

Eyes alight with iniquity, he lifts his wand and points it directly to her chest.

"_Crucio_!"

Her shrill screams pierce the air, her eyes dilated in horror and pain and her body erupts into powerful convulsions. Teeth gnashing, bones crunching, fingers abnormally warped and bent.

Again, he shouts the curse. Again, she cries out in agony. And again, I feel as if _I'm_ the one being tortured.

I'm trapped in my worst nightmare yet. How is it possible to feel this torn into? I want to persuade myself into letting her go. Let him crush her as she once crushed me when she walked away and succumbed to Potter's charms.

But she's under my skin. She's the only memory from my childhood that I don't regret, the only memory I don't want to forget…

"Stop, that's enough! She's had _enough_!"

I'm practically begging him even though I know it's pointless.

He blinks in surprise, certainly not expecting me to defend his victim. A wicked smile crosses his face. A _knowing_ smile.

Maybe he did.

"Didn't like that one very much, _Sev_? I guess I'll just have to use another, then. What was that curse of yours again? The one in your Potions book? I believe it went something like sectum…sectum…"

He taps his chin in mock contemplation before uttering the horrific spell.

"_Sectumsempra_!"

I draw a sharp breath and my hand fumbles through my robes for my wand as the curse takes its desired effect. An invisible sword stabs her abdomen, her arms, her legs, following each swift movement of his wand. And then a thin red line appears at her neck, stretching from behind her earlobe to the hollow of her throat.

There is so much blood. Blood flowing _everywhere_, covering the creamy skin of her legs and arms and torso. Blood flowing from her neck wound like a crimson river.

I can't let this happen. I can't let him do this. Not to Lily.

I have to do something. Something I should've done since the beginning. My hand grips the base of my wand and I whip it out so fast that I nearly drop it in my haste.

"Now that that's settled," he says as his back visibly straightens, "I think we ought to tie her up for the time being. I would say I'm sorry that you had to see that, since your feelings for her are so obvious, but you can't deny that she had it coming…"

I can feel the waves of shock as he turns and looks at me and the wand aimed at his torso, stunned by my sudden traitorous actions. I give him no time to react and no time to retaliate.

"Severus? What in the bloody hell are you—"

"_Stupefy_!"

A jet of red light bolts from the tip of my wand and hits him square in the chest. His knees buckle, shocked eyes enlarge, and his unconscious body crumples onto the floor next to her bleeding form. Without delay, I crouch next to her and survey the damage.

Claw marks line the surrounding floor from where her fingernails dug into the dark hardwood. Her pale face is twisted with confusion, pain, and fear as she stares at my face with weary and petrified eyes.

I know beyond all doubt that I've lost her companionship. I lost her after I called her that word at the end of fifth year, the one word I swore I would never mention around her because she's different. She's exceptional.

But the past can't be undone. Some wounds, no matter how hard we try to treat them, will never heal.

And tonight, I've let her down again. I've confirmed her assertions that I have, indeed, crossed to the dark side.

"Severus?"

My stomach twists pleasantly as my name falls from her lips. It's been so long since she's spoken to me directly; I just wish it were under different circumstances.

"Yes, Lily, it's me. It's Sev. We have to leave, it's not safe here. There are more on their way. Can you stand? Can you walk?"

Panic rises in my chest as I watch more blood seep through her light blue shirt. Blood generated by the spell _I_ created.

"No, I don't think I can." She whispers, her chest rising and falling with each breath of a word.

I can hear the hands of time rapidly ticking away. They'll be here any second now. They'll find us, they'll see Rosier's body, and they'll finish what he started.

I know what I have to do, but I'm not sure I have enough physical strength to do it. And yet again, I find myself coveting Potter for possessing something I lack.

"Lily, I'll have to carry you. There is no way that you can walk like this and we don't have any time to spare."

She merely nods drowsily and tries to keep her eyes open, but she's failing miserable. I know I have to get her back…fast; she's on the verge of passing out.

I lift her in my arms with some difficulty, trying to hold my balance as I search for the trap door to the tunnel. Upon finding it, I lower Lily to the floor and rest her against the walls of the dirty passageway as I adjust a crate to shroud our escape way. With my wand illuminated, I lift her into my arms once again, which is even more difficult with the lowered ceiling.

Hundreds of thoughts flood my mind as I stumble through the underground tunnel. More than once, my foot gets caught on a tree root or a large stone and I nearly send both of us tumbling to the ground. When I look down, I can see flecks of blood mixing with the earth and hasten my stride.

But while many of those thoughts tumble about in my head, one seems to stand out.

This will be the last time I hold her, I'm sure of it.

I'm not only carrying her away from danger. I'm carrying her out of my life for good because I _am_ the danger.

So I'll carrying her back to her beloved _Potter_. That's how the fairy tale is supposed to go, is it not?

The Princess marries the Prince and all is well in the Kingdom. But not every one gets their fairytale ending. Not everyone is left smiling as the heart-shaped carriage rides off into the sunset. Someone has to take what's left behind. Someone has to lose.

And in this story, that 'someone' is me.

The beginning of her fairytale will mean the ending of my own, if such a thing ever existed for me in the first place.

And as I do my best to run away with Lily in my arms, leaving behind the wobbly old shack, I hear multiple popping sounds indicating the influx of the 'others'.

_Just in time. _

I know it won't be long until I'll have to face their wrath…just as long as that time isn't tonight.

* * *

_**Alice's POV**_

**December 4, 1976  
Saturday **

Life can change in a blink of an eye.

One false move and something can go horribly wrong. One grave decision and nothing is ever as it was.

How did this happen? How did an innocent trip to Hogsmeade turn into_ this_? Why did it have to happen to her?

I've asked myself question after question as I watch her through a gap in the divider, yet I am no closer to finding the answers to any of them. Deep cuts cover her skin and Madame Pomfrey has been cleaning up the blood for what feels like hours now.

I can't help but flinch as I catch sight of one of her more severe wounds but she doesn't budge. The woman is stroking and medicating the gash, however she remains abnormally still.

It isn't right. This shouldn't happen to her or anyone, for that matter. But she's so young, an innocent victim caught in a war that shouldn't have been started in the first place. It's a worry that is currently out of our hands. But as graduation looms in the not so distant future, each and every one of us will progressively (and possibly unintentionally) reach for it.

The shuffling of footsteps breaks me from my thoughts.

A winded redheaded woman accompanied by a tall, balding man burst through the doors of the infirmary. Both are following Dumbledore, who used the floor network to get to their suburban home and bring them here. The woman, Lily's mother, rushes to my side as soon as her eyes land on me.

"Alice? Alice! Where is she? Where's Lily?"

The face of Rebecca Evans conveys every emotion I'm feeling and then some.

Hysterical, frightened, lost.

Her baby is in one of these rooms, struck down by an evil that she can't even begin to understand. No, war is not a foreign word even for the muggles, but this a whole other level that I'm confident they're unaware of.

Blood hatred.

Just as Hitler unleashed his hatred in the muggle war decades ago, Voldemort and his devoted followers are doing the same now. But the stakes are higher when magic is involved. The danger is more real, the deaths more frequent, and the muggle world is utterly oblivious.

By chance, Rebecca's head turns to the screen as she recognizes Lily's voice. She peers inside to find Lily being attended to by Madame Pomfrey.

It's overwhelming to think of what she must be going through. In a flash, in one owl and a visit to her home, her world came crashing down.

I stare at her dumbly, my mouth not wanting to cooperate with my brain. There are so many words I need to say, a lot of things that need to be explained, but my mouth fails to express them.

Thankfully, Dumbledore quietly joins us and places a slender hand on Rebecca's shoulder. Upon contact, she spins around and stumbles back to gaze up at his tall and somewhat daunting figure.

Those electric blue eyes of his have lost their trademark twinkle. There isn't a trace of amusement to be found on his countenance, nor anger, confusion, or resentment. Solemnity personified.

"As I explained in brief at your home, I am Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You may recall my name from the acceptance letter that was sent to your home some years ago."

Mrs. Evans only nods at the taller, older man, intuitively leaning closer to Lily's father, Daniel. Dumbledore extends his hand and Daniel somberly returns the gesture, simultaneously wrapping a soothing arm around his wife's shoulders.

"Our resident Healer—or doctor, as you might call her—has placed Lily under examination. She is attempting to treat several precarious cuts and bruises she suffered during the assault as we speak.

"Lily is also recovering from a very powerful spell, one that is very controversial in our world. A reliable eyewitness has told me that she was placed under the curse multiple times, which can result in some damage on different occasions. I sincerely hope that this is not one of those circumstances."

Even Dumbledore, most likely the strongest wizard alive, can't screen the alarm in his cerulean eyes.

"The student body is currently unaware of the situation, but I'll need to address them before false stories have time to spread. You can rest assured that the individual responsible for this is being held accountable. He will not set foot on Hogwarts grounds again."

Fury immediately swamps my mind and heart as I listen to the words of my 'wise' Headmaster. How can that be it? '_Never set foot on Hogwarts grounds again'_…what about the people outside of Hogwarts?

"That's all? With all do respect, sir, please tell me how releasing someone like Evan Rosier into the real world could possibly be a just punishment? He attacked another student with illegal curses! _Unforgivable_ curses! He'll do it again!"

The look in his eyes softened, but his tone remained business-like as he draws me away from the gathering, particularly Lily's parents.

"Miss Foster, while I do take your words to heart, please do not think me so daft that I would not consider this situation beforehand. After Severus sat down with me in my office and told me where I could find Evan, a few of the staff members and myself went in search of him to serve him his punishment. He was nowhere to be found. Hagrid and a few others are still scavenging Hogsmeade for any possible signs leading to his whereabouts. But you must realize that it is not my place to condemn him for using the Unforgivables. He will most likely answer to the Ministry of Magic."

"Nowhere to be found…_sir_…"

A grim smile slides onto his face and he doesn't elaborate. There's no need.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

A psychopath, a future Death Eater, is slipping right through our hands. He tortured her…could've killed her and probably would have in the end.

Evan Rosier is free to go to his master. He'll become a Death Eater (if he hasn't already) and although running away means his lifestyle will become more complex, he is still able to roam and torture and kill. Even if he is due to be tried by the Wizengamot, even if he would eventually be placed into Azkaban, he's escaping now.

My best friend is lying in a hospital bed and her attacker is somewhere plotting more violence with those who are just like him.

Simply unbelievable.

"Alice, I'm leaving it to you to tell her closest friends. Only her closest tonight. I will inform the other students in the morning," He turns to face everyone else, "I'm afraid that I must cut my visit short; there are a few issues I have to sort out immediately in my office. We have arranged for your sleeping quarters if you intend to stay the night.

And with those last words, he sweeps out of the wing to leave us in our thoughts.

Rebecca steps out of her husband's arms and moves closer to the screen that divides Lily from the rest of us.

"What happened?" The fragile tone of voice nearly breaks me in two.

"We went to Hogsmeade—a town run by wizards. Lily, Marlene, and myself first went to the local sweets store called Honeydukes. Marlene and I were busy looking around and Lily said she was going to stop by a shop she spotted on our way there. She left and that was the last time we saw her before…"

I can't continue. I'll never forget what happened as long as I live, but speaking of it is too much. We were wondering where she'd gone. We had searched every shop, asked every store owner and even some of our fellow students if they had seen her. All shook their heads.

If we had only known what was happening, where she was…

We returned to school with intentions of telling McGonagall or Dumbledore or some authority figure about her disappearance, but it wasn't necessary. McGonagall found us first.

I'll never erase the memory of Lily's body—docile and drained of all color—lying on the cot. Dried blood smeared on her pale skin, eyes closed and face splotchy.

"What has she told you? Anything?" A small tear glides down her cheek, but she hurriedly wipes it away as she stares at the floor. I know she can't see me but I shake my head nevertheless.

"No. Not to me, at least. I know that her injuries looked pretty bad so they'll take a while to heal completely. A few of the cuts run deep and she there was a lot of blood. I expect they'll say something soon though."

"Deep cuts?"

Tears are streaming down her face, but she doesn't bother to wipe them away. This is her own personal hell, a nightmare she can't wake up from.

I nod, a bit unsure of whether she saw it or not. I want to be strong. I barely know this woman—I've been to Lily's house before and I've become quite familiar with her family—but her pain is greater than my own. It doesn't even compare. She created, shaped, and influenced Lily to be who she is today. Heaven only knows what she would do if she lost her youngest child.

"Where's her sister? Petunia, is it?" Marlene asks from her seat across from mine. She's been fairly quiet since the arrival of Lily's parents, but I can tell her mind is racing with implicit thoughts.

Lily's mum takes the seat beside her and rests her forehead in her hands, taking a deep breath.

"She's at the townhouse she shares with Vernon. I haven't told her what was going on, not yet. I didn't have the time to call after I found out and…well, I'm sure you know they don't have a close relationship. I'll have to tell her eventually, but…I don't think Lily would want her to see her in this condition. Not right now, anyway."

None of us say anything. Lily's pretty sensitive when it comes to sharing the details of this topic; therefore it's rarely brought up. Only a handful of us know how distant they really are and bringing Petunia's name into the equation could cause more harm than good.

"Mr. and Mrs. Evans?" All eyes are drawn to the Madame Pomfrey's assistant medi-witch as she approaches Rebecca and Daniel.

"Would you like to stay with her while we do this?"

They quietly rise from their seats and tail her behind the screen. As soon as her mother's head recedes from my view and emerges into Lily's, she begins to sob. The first time she's seen her parents in months and this was not how they planned their reunion.

"I'm going to get some air," I look at Marlene, whose face probably mirror's my own, and she stands and swings her coat over her arm.

"I'll join you."

Together, we walk outside of the infirmary and amble down the halls. They're empty—most of the students have retired to their dormitories for the evening. My stomach is raw and riotous from where I haven't ate in hours, but oddly enough, I'm not hungry.

We don't speak, we barely even glance at one another as we eat our food in silence. There's only one concern in our hearts right now.

Lily.

And then I feel her eyes on me and when I face her, she is crying. Marlene rarely cries and when she does, it's for exceedingly awful reasons. But this is Lily. _Our_ Lily, the girl we've known and shared a room with for years.

I stare into her eyes, feeling the tears prickle in my own, and I know precisely what she's thinking. I know what she'll say before she opens her mouth to speak.

"Why did we beg her to go with us? Why? If we had left her well enough alone like she wanted, none of this would've happened. We wouldn't be here and she wouldn't be in there."

I reach across and pat her shoulders, trying to comfort her even though I'm not doing much better. We've been here for the longest time and I have yet to understand what is actually happening.

"Trust me, I know. I'm the one who pressured her into going. But now is not the time to point the fingers at ourselves. The bottom line is Evan Rosier kidnapped and attacked her. He's the one to blame and the one who should be held responsible."

Her concerned expression never wavers as another tear follows the path of its twin.

"She'll be all right, Marlene. She'll pull through it. We might not have been there for her then, but we're here now. And we've got to do what we can. We have to be strong for her no matter what."

"I'm blubbering far too much," she pulls her hair into a ponytail and brushes the tears from her eyes, "She doesn't need to see me like this."

"I know, Mar. Believe me, I know."

We don't speak of anything else as we sit together in the stillness. I don't know what to say and I'm sure she doesn't either.

Not much has changed when we walk back into the medical wing a few minutes later. If anything, the room has become remarkably tranquil.

"You must be starved. What would you like to eat?" Her mum asks as she removes a garnet lock of hair from Lily's face and tucks it behind her ear.

"Nothing, I'm fine."

Rebecca's hand strokes Lily's cheek with the highest amount of motherly affection and her eyes rove over her worn appearance.

"Lily, you need to eat something. I'm not sure how they do things in this place, but you need your energy. It's not healthy to pass up your meals." She begs, but Lily turns her head as if she didn't hear a word.

"Well if you're not going to eat, what do you want? Books? Your diary?"

At first she quietly shakes her head, but then stops in mid-shake to look at me.

"Would you mind grabbing my diary out of your dorm? I put it in your drawer for safekeeping."

"Sure, no problem. I'll get it when I go back later and I'll bring it straight to you." She moves her eyes from me to the stained glass windows.

"Mrs. Evans, Mr. Evans."

Every set of eyes turn upon the Madame Pomfrey as she approaches. Every set but Lily's.

I try to read her facial expression, trying to detect any unspoken clues, and it doesn't take long for me to place.

It's a look that has been on everyone's faces today. Distress. Fear. Concern.

"Hello, Lily."

Slowly, she turns her gaze to the older woman and I take in her shaking hands. Her mum notices as well and she gently places her hand over Lily's.

"As you may very well know, the Cruciatus Curse is one of the three Unforgivable Curses," her eyes move to Mr. And Mrs. Evans, then back to Lily, "Which means that it is exceedingly powerful and dangerous. Usually, the damage is manageable, but sometimes it can cause some severe damage to the Central Nervous System if performed for an extended amount of time, which is might apply to your situation.

"Also, after you arrived, we took the time to examine the burn marks and the gashes from the nasty spell. One of the harmful burn marks was located directly above your heart. I'm positively certain that this won't do any damage, but I can promise fatigue. As for the cuts, no internal organs were punctured or damaged but you did lose a lot of blood. You're very lucky to be with us, Miss Evans."

Madame Pomfrey fixed her with a firm stare that Lily did not meet.

"The good news is that everything appears to be treatable. Your injuries should heal up in no time."

"What's the bad news?" She whisper, returning the older witch's gaze head-on before glancing down at her hands, "You can't have one without the other."

"The only bad news relates to the length of time. Your body has endured quite a lot of stress and pain within the past 24 hours. It will need plenty of time to recover and you will be extremely exhausted from the potions you must take at certain time intervals. The reactions from each potion differ from patient to patient. Some feel relief immediately while others require a good deal of time. It would be best for you to remain here for a while to recover."

We all watch her attentively but Lily hangs onto her every word.

"What does this suggest? Anything I should be really worried about?"

"At the moment, no," she says confidently, "There doesn't appear to be any damage concerning the injuries and we're sure the effects of the curse will wear off in time. The only big concern lies in the treatment. Depending on how many of these potions you have to take, there's a possibility that other… stumbling blocks…may arise."

The fear in her eyes is poorly disguised as her gaze finds mine. How I'd love to extinguish that fear…and Evan Rosier.

"And what would they be?" Rebecca asks, her hand moving to knead Lily's back.

She switches between Lily and her mum before resting her eyes on Lily.

"The potion that you are required to take in order to heal properly is very, very powerful. And when taken in large doses over an extended period of time, it can cause diverse side effects.

One potential outcome could be infertility."

Lily's teeth nibble on her chapped bottom lip as she turns her head away. I know that this is overwhelming news for her.

There's so much at risk. This isn't just about her recovery anymore, but her future. The future she could have with James.

And she's obviously thinking about that as she closes her eyes. I'm certain she sees the baby bump…the hospital trip…the little green-eyed, raven-haired children playing in their backyard.

Dreams that should've come true.

"But that's only a potential risk. There's a good chance that you'll be just fine. Please don't be discouraged, dear. It won't help in your healing. Now, I'll leave you be to get some rest and I encourage you two," she says, looking pointedly at Marlene and I, "to do the same. If you need anything or have any questions, don't be afraid to ask."

But there _are_ questions. Too many questions that no one can answer.

In the meantime, we can only wait to see how her life will unfold. Everything is changing. Her life is changing.

"I don't know what to do."

Those abrupt words startle me and I look over my shoulder to see Rebecca and Daniel leaning against the wall in a tight embrace and staring at their sleeping daughter.

"I don't know what any of this means. I have no clue which curse does what and as ignorant and naïve as this may sound, I never thought it mattered. This world has been so separate from ours. The closest we've ever come was on the platform. And now we're _here_. I've never felt so helpless, so useless. She needs me to help her…she's not strong enough right now."

I lower my eyes and play with my fingers as I contemplate her words.

"She used to climb the largest trees in our backyard and hike and do everything all the other kids do. She's managed to find her place in your world. She's even developed a relationship," her eyes flicker shut for a second, "And now she's confined to her bed like a prisoner. How did this happen to her?"

She's not expecting a response, just someone who will loan an ear and listen.

"God, why my baby? Why her?"

The Evans' family are deeply religious, especially Rebecca. She would never, under any other condition, question her faith.

But this is different. This is Lily, her precious daughter.

Together, they push away from the wall and take their seats next to me. It is now that I notice how silent Lily's father has been, but it's obvious why. He doesn't know what to say any more than the rest of us so he's limited himself to consoling his wife. Hugging her close, whispering soothing, indecipherable words into her ears, and wiping her tears away.

But he doesn't bother to wipe them now. Neither does she.

"Maybe this is a sign that all of this was a mistake, that she shouldn't be here. Or maybe He wants me to realize how distant our family has become. I've been so focused on Petunia and her life that I've neglected Lily. We haven't written to each other that much since Petunia and Vernon got married. Maybe this is God's way of showing me how much I love her, how special she really is. I don't want to lose my little girl."

"We'll be here for her, all of us. She needs to know that her friends and family are supportive. Yes, she's very weak right now, but we will stay by her side. We will help her get through this. But we can't be the only ones. She needs someone who isn't in this room right now.

They look at me as if I've grown a second head, uncertain about where my short speech is leading.

"She needs James."

They both stare at me with completely different expressions. Her mother, sadness. But her father…repugnance. Both are reluctant to see him, the young man who has stolen their daughter's heart.

And I said it before I even thought it through, but I'm confident in my words. I'm right…and they know it, too.

Even if they won't admit it, they know.

**(7: 22 PM)**

As I promised, I returned to my dorm to retrieve Lily's diary. After fumbling through a few loose papers in my drawer, I finally unearth the right notebook. As I turn to walk away with the book in hand, I hear a faint 'whooshing' sound behind me.

When I look down, I see an envelope lying awry in the same spot I just vacated.

I shouldn't look. Whatever's in it should stay between her and James. I turn the small packet over and over in my hands, my eyes tracing the name written on it.

James.

_I shouldn't_…


	18. 17: I Can Feel It Too

**A/N**: Here's an important note. This chapter takes place on the same day as the Hogsmeade trip. It's the same day from the last chapter, just in Remus' POV. Hope that clears up the confusion!

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE  
**Chapter 17:** I Can Feel It Too

_**Remus' POV**_

**December 4, 1976  
Saturday  
(Hogsmeade Day Ctd.)  
**

I knew it was bad the minute I saw him waiting for her by the portrait hole.

He was silent. Completely and totally silent.

What must be understood is that James Potter is never—under any circumstance—quiet. Even after Lily broke his heart, he still faked his smiles. He still cracked his feeble jokes. He even participated in a few mild pranks with Sirius.

But I never bought into the façade.

I'm sure he's trying to live his life as if he'd never met her. As if he hadn't fallen in love. But as I expected, he can't continue to evade his problems.

And the minute he looked my way, I knew he'd finally stopped running.

I watched as she came through the portrait hole after patrolling. I watched as the tears fell down her face as she tried in vain to wipe them away before ascending the staircase. I watched as Lily, like James, tried to push it all away.

I watched helplessly as she stopped running, too.

He doesn't talk, doesn't say anything about what came about. It's like they never saw each other, like it never happened. But the problem is, it did. And while it hasn't been mentioned, it lies in the back of my mind.

I can't forget her face from last night or his from this morning. I can't forget her noticeable tears or his that are unshed.

He's one of my best mates, one of the few people who not only know about my abnormality, but also can look past it. Without him, Sirius, and Peter, I don't know where I'd be right now. She is my friend. Not like the other Marauders, but still a good friend.

So potent when put together, no matter the duty. Total complements of one another, but that made them beautiful. That made them whole.

I glance around the Hall, taking in the cheerful faces. None of them know. None of them truly care. All of them chatting, eating, and spreading their unsubstantiated lies. Laughing at their mindless jokes, going over homework that they missed because they skipped class, making plans for the snowbound Hogsmeade trip scheduled for this afternoon.

But none of them matter to me. I'm not laughing, I'm not joking, and I have no desire to venture out of the castle today. My only thoughts are with my friends, wherever they are.

I'm waiting to see the fallout of last night. Waiting for the word on Lily. Waiting for the word on James.

Alice, Marlene, and Lily have been absent from their classes and I haven't seen them in the common room, library, or the Great Hall. It's as if the three of them left the school.

I haven't seen James all morning either. I imagine that he's on the pitch to release his energy or it as a distraction. He didn't drop by to talk about it; he took off without saying word.

I keep staring at the entrance, hoping to see either one of them walk in. I don't get my wish.

"You gonna eat that, Moony?"

My head whirls around to see Peter eying the lone roll in the basket. I was so caught up in my own personal silence that I managed to drown out the outside world. I shake my head and he quickly claims it.

I stretch my legs underneath the table, relishing in the peace and quiet as Peter and I eat breakfast.

But the serenity is promptly disrupted.

All eyes are focused on the entrance to the Great Hall as Sirius staggers through for breakfast. His glistening, bloodshot eyes speak for themselves. No need to ask where he's been or what he's been doing; it's the same thing he's been doing practically every night.

He doesn't say anything as he flops down beside me on the bench of the Gryffindor table, keeping his eyes directly on his plate. He unrolls the Daily Prophet and skims an article about Voldemort's latest victims.

I keep a careful eye on him the whole time as he pretends to read. He knows this, I'm certain, because he's shifting under my stare. And then he lifts his head to find me ogling him, but it comes as no big surprise.

Sirius is a master at masking his emotions. He's a loose canon, wild and impetuous at times—especially when he's upset. Only we—his close friends—can tell what he's thinking.

But at the present, I can't read him. It's like the steel gates have closed and locked…out of the question by now.

But he must see the questions in my eyes, for he draws a deep breath, eyes locking with mine.

"The tree."

There's no point in asking. I already know. Of course he would be there, the sole place that was meant for _them_. The only place that still holds _them_.

Cold air and lightly falling snowflakes hit my skin as I make my way to the spot. And even though this is open territory…even though there are no names embedded in the bark to signify ownership…it is clearly theirs.

It's her. Her touch is on the bark, the grass, everywhere. She's nowhere in sight but mentally, I can see her flipping through the pages of a thick book, peacefully studying for a test, or supporting his head on her lap as she slides her fingers through his hair.

And then there's James.

Pacing in circles as he mulls over their latest argument, coming to a rest after a grueling Quidditch practice, or holding tucking her head under his chin as they watch the sun go down on another day.

I slowly move closer and grab a spot beside him on the dead grass.

It's moments like these, the time between the classes and the homework and the daily life, that I can sit back and appreciate the beautiful environment. The natural magic that lives in this land is alive and contagious. The weather is cold, but there's no wind or snowy residue from today's whiteout to chase us away from our seats.

I don't have anything to say. That's not why I'm here. I'm here to listen, to let him exorcise his troubles, and do the best I can to help him.

"I remember the first night together, right here," he says as he stares into the brown canopy above us," She'd written a letter to Petunia a couple of days before. She hadn't showed in class and she wasn't huddled up in her room—she was out here. She'd got a reply to her letter that day.

"I was afraid to come near her, afraid that I would say or do something to upset her even more like I usually do. But she looked at me…she was so tired of the fighting and the arguing…and she let me hold her. She told me all of the horrible things her sister had said and how she felt like it was tearing her family apart, how sometimes she wished she'd never left home to come here. I held her close as she spoke, told her that her sister was talking nonsense, and she cried herself to sleep in my arms."

He isn't looking at me directly, but I can see his strength withering.

"I think it was the first night in a long time that she'd gotten a good rest. Even with a red nose and puffy eyes, she looked so beautiful. So calm. I didn't want to wake her up so put a heating charm on her and watched her sleep the entire time. It was one of the top ten moments of my life."

For the time being, I can see the sparkle in his eye. The sparkle that only appears when he's thinking about her. The sparkle that's been absent for too long.

But then he bows his head as if the pleasant moment never occurred…as if he thinks he's supposed to be depressed. He's backtracking, not allowing himself to progress. After climbing so far, he's fallen back into the same hole.

And I can't pull him out.

"Remus, I've memorized every look Lily has ever thrown at me. Hurt, angry, frightened, but never that…_bare_. Never that vulnerable."

With a shake of his head and continues to stare at the grass. And then a look of comprehension dawns on his face.

"She said, 'ask him'. But who's 'him'? There are hundreds of blokes in this school. How the hell am I supposed to know?"

He lifts his hands to his head, one rubbing over his tired eyes and the other running through his mop of jet black hair.

"She's hiding something. The way she looked at me…and she almost said it. She looked like she wanted to say something, like it was on the tip of her tongue, and then she stopped herself at the last minute. But I was close…too close for her comfort. She wants to tell me. She hates holding all of it in and it's killing her. I can feel it."

He shoots me a look and in that second our eyes connect, I can see the hurt—fresh and unfeigned.

"I honestly thought the day she broke up with me was the worst day of my life and then last night happened. I guess in the back of my mind, I believed that it would work itself out and everything would go back to the way it was. But I was wrong. Last night…last night was worse. It was like she slammed the coffin shut and drove in the last nail.

"It was the worst episode of my life when she walked away from me. I would do anything for her, Remus. Anything she asks, I'll do. And that's why I left. That's why I agreed to leave her alone, because it was what she wanted. It was what she asked of me. But when I had to walk by her…just to be near her like that, knowing I couldn't have or touch or kiss her, it nearly killed me."

He closes his eyes, willing himself not to cry this time, and opens them to stare at our surroundings.

"I came out here when it was over hoping that I would see her. In hindsight, it was a stupid idea. I knew she wouldn't be here. She won't even stay in our dorm anymore. This is probably the last place she wants to be right now, except any other place that's within a close radius of me."

Heaving a heavy sigh, he threads both hands through his hair and bends his knees to rest his elbows on them.

"I made her look me in the eye and when she did, it was like nothing had changed. He pain was there, the hurt was there, but…she still loves me. I've believed it all along, but she confirmed it. She ran away because she couldn't hide it. Because she's still in love with me and she felt my love for her too."

We rearrange our poses and take the time to stretch, but something about him is different. For the first time, I'm aware of something that is missing. Something that is _never_ missing.

His promise ring is no longer hanging around his neck. Even the chain is gone.

Then I look down at his hand and fight the itch to laugh at myself. How could I be so irrational? Naturally, it hasn't been removed. Just relocated.

"Of course, you're not the only one who can feel it. Anyone who knows her can see that."

He reflexively twirls the ring around his finger and keeps his mouth in a straight line, trying to find the right words.

"Merlin, I miss her. I miss the way she smiles, her laugh. She's the only girl I've ever known who laughs so blatantly, so freely. She doesn't hold back," he chuckles, "Hell, I even miss her berating me for being an 'egotistical toerag'. I never thought I'd miss being on the receiving end of her 'evil eye'. I miss everything, even the little things she did that drove me up the wall. I just miss_her_."

At first, I keep my mouth clamped shut. I'm not sure what words would be appropriate to tell one's mate after he bares his soul. He's done so much for me…

No one wants to see his or her friend in this position: heartbroken but worst of all, helpless.

"I know how much you miss her, everyone does. You don't exactly make it a secret," this elicits a small smile from him, "But it'll work out like it's supposed to. If she's really meant to be with you, meant to be a part of your life as you are in hers, then it'll happen. When the times right for her to return you'll know. You'll feel it."

He nods, half a smile on his face, and stares at his grubby shoelaces.

"It'll be soon, then. I can feel it already."

I want to believe that he's right. I want to believe that Lily's homecoming will accordingly cure all of our dilemmas. But most of all I really,_really_ want them to be happy again.

In the face of the cold we stay put, frozen in our positions, watching as the first streak of sunlight shines down from over our heads but barely feeling the warmth of its rays.

"I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you guys lately. You're trying to help, but…I think it's beyond that point now. It's out of everyone's hands, including my own."

"No need to apologize. We're worried about you and we want to get your mind off of things, but it's understandable that you don't want to do anything. And honestly, we don't either. Well, that's not entirely true, either," I pause, deliberating on whether or not I should serve him the news.

"Sirius disappeared last night and came in the Great Hall very hung over for breakfast."

His eyes narrow with concern as he takes this in. He has a lot on his plate now, but I know his worry. It's one that we both share.

Sirius.

He's always been a notorious partier. And at times, the hard lifestyle has gotten the best of him. But lately, the rancid smell of alcohol has followed him around from sunrise to sunset. He's drinking more now than what he usually downs in a month. And if anyone has picked up on his newfound habit faster than I have, it would be James.

It's almost an unspoken rule between us now that we all have our own separate problems to cope with. It's rarely discussed and still it continues to hang over our heads like threatening rain clouds, waiting for the first drop to fall. Waiting for the impending flood.

"So what are your plans for tonight?"

He laughs, but it's completely void of humor. Even so, in spite of the fact that it's nowhere near to being genuine, it's good to see him smile a little bit.

"Not sure. Now that the snowstorm has cleared, I might fly around; maybe do a little homework later. I think I've got an essay or two to do. Anything to prevent myself from losing what's left of my sanity."

While shrugging on his thick cloak, he snatches his broom from it's position against the trunk of the tree and walks between the lithe, nude branches He looks back to make sure he didn't leave anything behind and cocks an eyebrow.

"And yours?"

"What do you think? The usual for me." I chuckle and throw a pebble as far as my sinewy arm muscles will allow.

"Why bother? You know all of it anyway. Just don't study too hard, it's not worth landing yourself in St. Mungo's."

I chuckle, "Thanks mum, but I'm a big boy now. I think I can handle it."

An evanescent light flickers in his eyes and his laughs, a real laugh this time. It doesn't last long, but I'll take what happiness I can get from him these days.

"Thanks," he says, his brief bout of cheer suddenly gone and replaced with glum, "You didn't have to come here."

I raise my hand in objection.

"I know I didn't. After what you said the other day, in the hallway…it really made me understand it. Before, I don't think I really took it seriously. I love Mary, she's wonderful, but not the same way you love Lily. It's hard to relate and I'm working on it. But I want you to know that I'm here. I may not always empathize as well as we'd both like, but I'll lend an ear when you need it."

I stand from my spot by the tree and make my way out from under the wooden tent as well. I watch him as he begins to walk away and I call out to him, not sure if I should tell him what I'm thinking or not.

He turns around quickly and looks back at me quizzically.

"I can feel it too."

* * *

"Remus…I didn't know you were still in here. Figured you'd be out with Mary on such a fine night." 

Sirius props himself casually against the door frame and crosses his arms. I shove my remaining books into the bag and turn to face him. Lately, I don't know what to make of him, but I know this isn't the same guy from the start of the term.

Some days he'll be in a constant mood and at night (or shall I say early morning), he'll stumble into the dorm overtly smashed. Other times, like right now, he'll act as if he's never even seen a bottle of alcohol much less drank the bars of Hogsmeade dry.

"I'm leaving right now, actually. Supposed to meet Mary for a study date. Need something?"

He smiles and moves forward into the room, "Nah, just trying to find something to do. It's so fucking _boring_ around this place these days. Oh and I was wondering if you had those notes that Binns gave us in History the other day. I was late and I missed a good lot of them."

I delve through my bag, retrieve the said notes, and sling the strap over my shoulder.

"Sure, right here. Lay them on my bed when you're done, if you don't mind." I say, handing him the rolls of parchment.

He unfurls them and walks over to his desk but as soon as he sits down, a knock comes at the door and we both lift our heads to see it opening.

"Is James here?" Edgar Bones asks, scanning the room for our messy-headed friend.

"Nope, sure isn't. Went for a ride around the pitch. You know how he is…he'll probably stay out well after dark. But we have an essay due for McGonagall so he might be in a bit early tonight, who knows."

He sighs and gives me a faint smile as he pulls something from his pants pocket, "I ran into Alice in the hall. She was in a hurry, said she'd been looking for him. She asked me if I could give him this."

My interest is easily increased as my eyes flash from the envelope in his hand back to his face, taut with his own burning curiosity. Why would Alice be looking for James?

"He hasn't been in the bloody building all day. Do you know if everything's all right?"

He looks at me—all signs of his usual joking demeanor spent—and shakes his head.

"I can't say. This was the only thing that she gave me and I don't pilfer through people's mail," he smiles sheepishly and flicks the envelope with his index finger, "It has 'confidential' written on the back, but James' name on the front is in a different scrawl. I'm guessing whatever's inside is pretty important though." He shrugs and hands me the article before heading off.

I flip it over and there are, as Edgar said, two different forms of cursive written on either side. My eyes follow each smooth line of his name while my mind tries to put it together. But then I remember that I have some place to be, so I turn to Sirius.

"Can you make sure this gets to James? You'll probably see him before I will."

He lifts his eyes from the parchment and drops the quill from his left hand. He seems tense, but quickly smothers any allusions of anxiety and cracks a smile.

"Er, yeah. I'll make sure."

He warily reaches for the envelope and I hand it to him, watching as he lays it on the desk next to his work. His eyes remain glued to it like he's afraid it will vanish.

"Right. I'm off to the library."

I glance at the clock by my bed and head out the door. As I jog down the steps, a smile inches onto my lips.

Maybe it's something good. Maybe the letter in Sirius' hands will put an end to all this madness. Maybe it will mean the return of James and Lily. Maybe for the first time in a long, _long_ time, something will go right.


	19. 18: A New Chance

**Disclaimer: **Basically, anything in this story that could make me filthy stinkin' rich is not mine, lol.

**A/N**: Sunday was a very good writing day. I was on such a roll that I worked on three or four chapters _at once_! I was so focused that I didn't want to sleep. I'm not sure what got into me, but damn it, I need that more often! Just so you know, I'm starting to post updates on my profile page. They're not really regular, they come only when I have new developments, but they're there in case you ever get curious as to where the hell I am.

Now, on to the story…

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE**  
Chapter 18**: A New Chance

_**James' POV**_

**December 4, 1976  
(Late Saturday) **

_A new day means a new chance. _

The astute words my mum has spoken so many times in the past are now the words that I draw strength from. The only words that crossed my mind as I soared like a bullet around the quidditch pitch earlier this evening.

I've never doubted my love for her, not for a split second. Not after our worst arguments, not after she broke my heart.

And after last night, I have no reservations that she feels the same way. I could see love shining through her eyes and felt it beating in her heart.

So I may be out of her life; she may not want to be near me right now. But a new day means a new chance.

I take a look at the person quietly sitting diagonal from me in the library.

Frank.

There's something on his mind. Something has been nagging at him since I came in here after flying. I watch as he rereads the same sentence for thee fifteenth time in the past thirty minutes.

Very unusual behavior for Frank. On average, he's a hundred percent focused and diligent with his schoolwork. The only individual who can sidetrack him is Alice, but she's strangely absent.

I know he's concerned. Why wouldn't he be? Both of us—Lily and I—are his friends and I'm sure anything Lily has told Alice about last night, Alice has already confided in him as well. I'm positive that he's paid attention to my reaction as well.

He's one of a few people caught in between and unsure of how to handle it. He's a median along with Remus, Sirius, and Peter. All trying to straddle both lines, all trying to their hardest to maintain a middle ground.

But today, his greetings and responses have been curt and chocked full of tension. Yes, there is something on his mind.

Something to do with me.

He reclines in his chair and rubs the shadow of stubble on his chin before ever so slowly moving his eyes to mine.

"Where's Alice?"

His brow creases but he keeps his head down all the same.

"You know, I'm not sure. She and the girls went to Hogsmeade today…I guess she's still with them."

I shake my head, trying to rid myself of ideas connected to a certain friend of Alice and I determinedly focus my attention on the page of my textbook.

"Those rumors…they're not true, James."

And there it is, the statement he's been dying to say to me all day long.

I don't even have to question what he's talking about, what's true or false. I'm well aware of what people are saying. The devastated expression on his face is enough to make it clear that this has been just as hard on him as it's been anyone else.

"People keep asking me things and…and I can't tell you how many times people have asked if Lily cheated on you with me or Edgar or even Remus. I'm not sure why they think that but it's not true."

I laugh slightly and nod my head as I look down at my hands, specifically my left.

"You have nothing to worry about, Frank. I've heard and I haven't truly believed any of it for even a fraction of a second. I know the both of you very well. You're good friends, nothing more. I know she'd never cheat on me, especially not with one of my mates and her best friend's boyfriend."

He smiles a bit, but is still squirming in his chair.

"I thought that since things ended so quickly and it might make you wonder...or get ideas."

"I'm not going to lie to you and I _would_ be lying if I said I didn't question it at first, just as I've questioned everything else. I've taken everything into account, including all of the bullshit. But I've always had faith in you and like I said, I never really believed it. You had nothing to do with our break up and you wouldn't do that to Alice, either."

He nods his head and closes his book, running his fingers over the letters imprinted on the leather jacket.

"What will you do now? Are you ever going to talk to her about it?"

I sigh and glance down at the small band around my finger; the promise ring.

"The old adage is that all good things come to those who wait. So that's what I'll do, I'll wait."

He laughs, a huge smile spreading across his face.

"Love brings an excessive amount of patience, doesn't it? But I'm glad to hear you say that. Fight for her just like you did to win her the first time. You two belong together. You deserve to be happy and without each other, you're not."

It still amazes me how she's gotten under everyone's skin. How all of my friends have come to adore her almost as much as I do. Almost, yet not even close. Not close at all.

"It's unhealthy how much I love her."

He lifts his eyes, a crooked smile on his lips. Here is someone who knows _exactly_ what I mean.

"Maybe, but she's the kind of 'unhealthy' you can afford to live with."

* * *

**December 5, 1976  
(Early Sunday Morning) **

I dip the quill into the ink for the tenth time in a row only to let it dry on the tip yet again.

Something is off with me tonight. I'm not a Potions prodigy, but I'm still pretty decent; I've never struggled, never had to think twice about what I wrote in an essay. I should be done with this damn assignment by now.

My free hand slides through my hair and lightly massages my scalp, trying to relieve the throb that is escalating in my head.

I swear I'm going crazy.

The Marauder's Map is taunting me. I've had to fight off every urge to grab it and locate a particular dot, a desire I've been wrestling with for a while now.

I shoot a glance at the grandfather clock embedded in the wall, watching the minutes fade away.

**4:46 A.M.**

While working the heels of my hands over my tired and stinging eyes, I sink further into the cushioned back of the chair and allow my lids to close for a moment.

"Prongs!"

One eye flies open as I cock my head toward the portrait hole.

"Prongs! Open the door, mate."

What the hell is he doing here at this hour?

I sling the door open, not even taking the trouble to look at the person standing before me, and slide back into my chair. I can hear the door as it clicks shut and his steps following behind me.

He trips toward a chair and bumps into the coffee table on his way. I glance at him, this boy I used to know so well, and shake my head. He regains very little control of his shaky legs and acts like nothing happened, like he didn't care if he had nearly fallen through the table or not.

"I drink a lot now. Ever wonder why?" Sirius asks as he tumbles onto the chair directly across from mine, clearly intoxicated.

"Can't say that I do."

My attention switches back to my Potions essay due early tomorrow morning. Truthfully, my answer would be a lie. He'd always been a reasonable drinker. Not too much, but just enough to get a little tipsy.

After I discovered Sirius passed out one night on the common room couch clutching a large bottle of Ogden's strongest fire whiskey, I'd been covertly wondering ever since. Lately, he'd made it a nightly custom. My presumption was that it had something to do with his family.

"Well, don't you want to know why?" He asks with a slight slur of his words. Confident that he will continue no matter if I say 'yes' or 'no', I remain silent. I really don't have time for his shit. He'll probably pass out within the next five minutes anyway.

"I think I should have been in Slytherin."

I pause from my writing, mentally digest his words, and turn my head to look at him. Where's this coming from? The Sirius I know would never, ever make such a statement, completely pissed or not. Or maybe he would, he's said some ridiculous things in the past. Lost in my own probing thoughts, I can only muster one stupid word in response.

"Okay…"

The hand holding his drink of choice for the night sloshes the burgundy liquid around in vortex, entrancing its owner. His glassy eyes are glued to the bottle and I can't even begin to guess what thoughts are running through his head.

"It's the truth, you know. I have all the qualities of the classic Slytherin. I'm…what's the word? Manipulative…yeah, that's it. And calculating and ruthless. I'm just like _them_, only nobody sees it 'cause I'm a reformed Gryffindor now."

My brain is racking as I can only imagine what he's talking about. He's sprawled over the chair now- one leg swung over the armrest and his own arm draped over the back of the chair- and staring blankly into the roaring fire that is in close proximity. His eyes reflect the wild and erratic flames, but it's as if they contain a fire of their own.

"I'm just like Malfoy and Snape or any one of those bloody Death Eaters. Maybe even Voldemort. I'm destructive, a poison in the body. I ruin lives, James. I always have. I've ruined mine and Marlene's."

What the hell is he on about?

As if reading my mind, his free hand plunges underneath his robes and into the pocket of his slacks, emerging with what appears to be a crumpled beige envelope. We are both staring at it with great deliberation when he finally speaks.

"And you wouldn't believe it, but I've ruined yours too."

In a heartbeat my feet are on the floor and I'm closing the gap between his arm holding the envelope and myself. His words echo in my head like the beating of a gong.

"And hers."

I can feel the color drain from my face and my heart rate speeding up. For the first time, I get a good look at the envelope. The lone word written on the envelope forms my first name in an elegant cursive. The handwriting belongs to the only woman to ever capture my heart, the woman who will always have it.

Lily.

"Sirius, what the fuck have you _done_?"

I come to a stop a few small steps away from his slack form. I can't make myself move.

It's now I see what's behind the bloodshot and glassy eyes.

A look that I've only seen once in the time that I've known him. A look that tells of a lapse in judgment. A look that cannot be masked by alcohol.

Guilt.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't think she'd…I'm sorry, James. So sorry."

His words are slurred and he speaks them slowly, but they're laced with the same amount of emotion that is reflected in his eyes. I've never heard him speak this way. Never.

"I'm jealous, mate. If you knew..."

His fingers grip the envelope a little tighter when he notices me ogling it. Bit by bit, I revert back to his weary eyes and eventually his lips as he takes another sip from the bottle.

"I pretended to be fine after Marlene broke up with me. I told myself and you and everyone else that I was fine being single. But…I wanted your life. And I wanted to take it all from you. So I did."

I read his lips, barely hearing his words as all sounds except for the hum of my pulse fade out. I can only stare and watch him struggle and stumble through his explanation.

Each of his words sting worse than a hard slap in the face. Each of them pulling me apart and sending my world into a downward spiral.

The lump in his throat doesn't disappear when he tries to push it down.

"I wanted her to do it. I'm responsible everything. I told her…everything she did and every word she said was because of me."

The room is spinning. The ceiling, the furniture, the fire…all of it whirls by. All of it except for the mildly intoxicated boy across from me.

"Sirius, tell me what the fuck you're talking about!"

His head sways on his muscular shoulders and he scowls at me, batting his eyes as he tries to fight off the alcohol.

I subconsciously clench my fists as I return his glare full force.

_He's drunk; don't kill him when he's drunk. _

"Tell. Me. _Now_."

Slowly sitting up on the couch, he keeps his eyes on me the entire time. After taking a deep breath, he rises to his feet and we're level.

"I told her about Rosier and I told her about the money," He gulps; it's taking all of his willpower to carry on.

"I told her she was destroying our friendship. I told her everything that led to her breaking up with you. I gave her a choice: either save herself or save us…and she saved us."

I'm speechless. I'm motionless. My mind is blank, my body is frozen, and I'm not sure if my heart is still beating.

He takes a step back and runs a hand through his matted hair.

"I took advantage of her. I took advantage of her love and then I took it away, just like that."

I break.

A rage—the intense rage that I've only ever experienced one other time in my life—is very much alive and kicking again.

I grab him by the crumpled collar of his shirt, yanking his drunken form up from the chair and onto his feet, standing him inches from my face. My free hand latches onto the uncorked bottle in his hand and I launch it with all my might at the wall behind him.

"What the FUCK?!? I can't believe this. I really can't believe this. You're lying!"

The putrid odor of stale alcohol is blown into my face, but my fury pushes my disgust aside.

Fury pushes our friendship aside.

"You're telling me that you sat on your arse this entire time and watched my world fall apart? You listened to me cry and plead every single bloody day and night, trying so hard to figure out what it was that _I_ did wrong, and you were to blame the **_whole fucking time_**?"

I don't expect an answer, nor do I want one. I don't want to hear some sorry excuse from him this time. I don't want to hear the latest addition to his mountain of lies.

Frustration. Anger. Disbelief.

Emotions running neck and neck. Emotions clouding what little eloquent reasoning I have left in my system.

He stares me straight in the eye, gray versus hazel. There's no defense mechanism, no words that can magically heal the damage he's done. He knows this so for once, he settles for being the listener.

Right now, I don't care what he is. Right now, I don't give a damn about his jealousy even if it is the root of the problem. I just want to beat the shit out of him.

Him, my _best friend,_ the one standing in front of me and explaining why he tore my life apart.

"How could you do this to me, Sirius? Fuck! How could you do this to _her_? You told her you loved her! You're supposed to be there for her and you assured me that you'd protect her, come hell or high water. She trusted you! I trusted you…and look what you've done!"

I'm shaking with anger and so many other feelings. A familiar stinging sensation returns to my eyes...and my heart. All of this time...all of it wasted.

I tighten my grasp on his shirt and pull him closer to me, preparing to breathe fire. To let him know how big his mistake really was.

From the corner of my eye, I see him raise his right hand, holding the forgotten envelope up for me to see. His eyes never leave mine. He closes his mouth and I watch as a tear escapes down his face.

"She's hurt."

And with those two words, my body weakens in an instant. I release my grasp and stare at the envelope he's holding. With trembling hands, he thrusts it out for me to take.

My breathing is heavy, my heart racing as I jerk the letter from him and walk to the other side of the room.

Fingers shaking, I pull out the paper from inside and unfold it.

My name. Her handwriting. A long page of words that, right now, hardly click in my brain.

What appeared to be just another diary entry became a letter to me. Every part of my body aches as I start to read the heartfelt words she poured onto the paper.

_James,_

_You'll probably never read this. In fact, I know you won't because I don't have the courage to send it to you. And still I sit here on Alice's bed—ink-stained hands and all—clutching the edge of this parchment, debating on whether or not I should toss this into the bin with the rest of the pile._

_I want to find the perfect words to say to you. I want to reassure you that this is just a phase and we'll get through it. But, the thing is, I'm not so sure that we will. I'm not so confident that I can forget or that these problems can be mended so easily. _

_I need to get some things off of my chest. Even if it's only on paper. Even if it will never reach your hands. This is the biggest reason why I'll never send this. If you only knew how many times I've wanted to run to you and tell you everything, all of the stupid reasons behind what I've done…sometimes it matters so much, other times it seems absurd. _

_The choice to let you go was never fully mine. When the party ended, I didn't go straight to the girl's dorms after you left. I was on my way out, but I opened the door and discovered a visitor waiting for me. It was Sirius and he wanted to talk to me. And through that conversation, I learned about your row with Rosier. I saw a side of Sirius that I've never seen before and hope to never see again. _

_I know that one day, if and when you find out, you'll be angry with him because of what he did. But he's your best friend and you love him. Your life wouldn't be the same without him and I have faith that you can put this behind you. _

_I thought we told each other everything. I thought I knew everything about you, especially since you shared with me your 'talent' (you know what I mean, but I can't specify…this could fall into the wrong hands). _

_But it took your best friend a year to own up to the horrible truth. A whole damn year, James! I had to learn about it from Sirius, not you. Not the one who should've told me. And it's killing me because I'm not sure how to react. _

_On one hand, I feel honored that you stood up for me. I love you because you're protective and you'd do everything in your power to keep me safe. But you can't always rush to my side. You can't keep me sheltered forever. Sooner or later, I will have to fight. I will have to stand up for myself and you won't always be there to save me. I don't want you to be my knight in shining armor. I just want you to be James. Just James. _

_And I would never want you to put your own life—much less the lives of our friends—on the line for me. Do you even realize how serious your actions were that night? Do you know how many people you could've brought down with you? Merlin, I don't think you do because I know you would never intentionally put your friends in jeopardy._

_But most of all, I want to tell you that I love you. That has never changed, it never will. I'm sure you know that you haunt my dreams every night, that you still have the same effect on me as you did when we were together. I still become alert at the sound of your voice, my heart still feels like it will erupt from my chest when I see you from a distance. I'm still very much in love with you. _

_Maybe someday, things will be different than they are now. Maybe one day--whether it's tomorrow or a year or ten from now--, we'll find each other again._

_Love, _

_-Lily_

Just as I'm about to shove the paper back into the envelope, I notice a second sheet behind it. The paragraphs are written in a handwriting that was on the other side of the envelope. _  
_

_**James,**_

_**I found this by accident when I was retrieving a few things for Lily and I thought you should read it. It's obvious that she still loves you (and vice versa) and this has been kept in the dark for far too long. Yes, I knew about Sirius. But no one told me directly. I figured it out on my own. **_

_**I would've told, would've went straight to you had Lily not convinced me otherwise. She was afraid it would wreck your friendship with Sirius, which was what all of this is about in the first place. The last thing she wants to do is come between you two. Both of us know that's ridiculous. I'm willing to bet that Sirius does as well. **_

_**But this letter is not just about what is written in her letter. There's something that you should hear properly before word gets around. And to be straightforward, there's a lot more that needs to be said that can't be explained in this letter. **_

_**Lily was attacked while we were in Hogsmeade and hexed with the Cruciatus curse as well as a new dark curse. She is now in the hospital where she is being treated for her injuries and Pomfrey has told us that she will fine. She's taking several potions and she's been sleeping quite a bit. **_

_**But I can tell you that during the periods that she is awake, she's very, very weak and reclusive. And she would never want me to tell you this, but she's also very frightened. **_

_**I'm not sure what went wrong with your relationship, but I know that you two loved each other so deeply and you **_**still**_** feel the same way about one another. I thought I'd let you know and what you decide to do from here on out is up to you. **_

_**Please, please follow your heart, James. It could be the best medicine for her yet. **_

_**-Alice**_

I loosen my grip on the letters and watch as they flutter to the floor. Without a second to spare I head for the portrait, leaving Sirius unaccompanied in his inebriated trance.

My legs are carrying me down the corridor at a speed that I'm sure I've never achieved on foot. It occurs to me that I'm without the map or my invisibility cloak, but my mind isn't on any of that.

All I can think about is Lily.

Lily wounded. Lily lying motionless in the hospital bed. Lily scared.

Within minutes, I'm face to face with the doors of the hospital wing when a movement at the corner of my eye catches my attention. Alice's surprised eyes greet me when she moves from away from the window and stands beside me.

"Thank Merlin you're here." She smiles and pulls me into a tight hug.

"Why wouldn't I be here, Alice? I love her, I knew where I had to be as soon as I read the letters. Nothing was going to stand in my way. Not one damn thing."

She smiles and takes me by the hand, steering me quietly through the infirmary. Ahead of us, I see Marlene sitting to the right of Lily's parents.

No Petunia. No surprise.

"How is she?"

"Physically, she's okay. Very sore, banged up, and drained of all energy, but okay. And they mentioned something about complications…"

She keeps her head facing forward, but I can still make out the painful expression on her face after she said the last part. And abruptly she turns to me, eyes burning with uneasiness.

"She'd never admit it but she's scared. She's not sure what's going to happen. She's had some things weighing on her mind."

We're just two cots away when she rapidly spins around and blocks my path, staring straight at me.

"She doesn't know about the letters. She _definitely_ doesn't know that you're here. I'm not sure how she'll react. And about what I told you in my letter…it's not the full story. I told you she was attacked, but not exactly what happened…"

Of course I had been wondering about that but my instinct was to find her first, worry about the rest later. But now that we're in the same room, now that I know she's safe, I'm ready to hear it.

But what I hear is far from what I was expecting.

"It was Evan Rosier."

I can't breathe. For the second time today, I've had the wind knocked out of me. Only this time, it's worse. It feels like my lungs have collapsed.

The monster that I've tried so hard to protect her from pounced when he had the first chance. Right when my back was turned, right when he saw her alone. I think I might be sick.

Noticing that I'm presently incapable of speech, Alice continues.

"I'm not sure of the specifics, but I know that he dragged her to the Shrieking Shack. There, he tortured her with the Cruciatus and some other curse like I told you in the letter. As far as I know, that was the extent of it."

"How did she escape?" I inquire, my voice cracking and wavering. I'm surprised that I was able to regain use of it at all.

Her expression is unreadable as she swallows, her drowsy brown eyes searching mine. And then she proceeds to astound me even more.

"Snape."

My jaw must be dragging the floor.

Why would he save her? I know they used to be friends, but that was before the lake incident. Before he called her that disgusting word.

"But—but _why_? Why would he—"

"I don't know, James," she intrudes and peeps at me out of the corner of her eye, "I don't think Lily can even answer that one and she would probably understand him more than anyone else here. But he was there…and he carried her to Dumbledore's office. Whatever he did, it probably saved her life."

A strange emotion (other than shock) swarms my body. I never thought I would have any emotion reserved for Snape other than dislike.

I'll never say it to his face…I'll never let on that I owe him anything.

But I am thankful. If he hadn't done whatever it was that he did, if he hadn't saved her from Rosier…

But why was he there in the first place?

Before I have enough time to think it over, a feminine hand grasps the crook of my elbow and tugs me forward. I comply, following its owner and ignoring the sets of eyes ogling my every move. Past the beds, past Marlene, past her parents.

And then I see her.

Her long, red hair is down against her back. Her pale skin has lost even more of it's color and her lips are dark compared to the surrounding flesh. Those normally wide, almond-shaped eyes are barely open and looking down at her sheet as the medi-witch hands her a vial of potion.

Through a tiny gap in the divider, I watch the lights in the room reflect on her face and I can see things that I never want to see again.

Tears.

I'm staring so intently at the dispirited, yet beautiful woman in the room that I barely notice the person next to me.

I cast a sidelong glance to my right.

I'm met with concerned green eyes; the same tinge of jade that keeps me stirring in my sleep.

Green eyes belonging to Lily's father, Daniel.

He has never held me as a favorite to be with his daughter, especially after Lily came home every summer before sixth year complaining about my attitude. His disapproving eyes bear down on me now, giving me the old once-over.

I cast him a fleeting look when the entrance curtain is pulled back and a young woman exits, two empty vials in hand. She sends Daniel a nod, silently directing him to join Lily's mother, Rebecca, in the seat across the room. Rebecca's face is buried in her hands, but I can imagine that she's crying…or praying.

My heart pounds and my hands begin to shake as I step to the divider and through open it little by little.

I don't say a word as Lily stares at her hands, ignoring the tears streaming down her face and soaking the sheer textile of her gown. Even though her expression is worried and her skin tone has become extremely pale, she's still the most beautiful woman I've ever known.

I want to get closer to her and in spite of my hesitation, my feet act on their own accord. I barely get to move an inch before I am brought to a standstill. Her broken eyes have found mine.

My world stops, my breath hitches. Considering how many times that has happened just today, it's a wonder I'm even alive right now.

But none of that matters any longer.

Not the lonely, sleepless nights. The lies. The deceit. The jealousy. They don't exist; they don't matter.

The only thing, the only person that does is staring right back at me.

I don't move. I don't speak as I await her reaction to my company.

And then, a soft whisper. My angel's voice utters a word that I was sure I'd never hear again. My hesitation, my fear of what I would find when I got here instantly melts into thin air.

"James..."

Slowly, very slowly, she extends a shaky arm in my direction. Reaching for me, waiting for me to come to her.

As if could I ever deny her.


	20. 19: I'm Kind of Crazy

**Disclaimer**: Ain't mine, fo sho.

**A/N**: Holy friggin' doody! 38 reviews for this chapter by its self! Wow, that's slightly more than what I got for one of my one-shots, lol. But you won't hear me complain ;D

This chapter was one of my favorites to write (well, because it feels like I haven't wrote anything cheery between L/J in the longest time, but who's fault is that?). I coasted right through it. As weird as this may sound, there was something kind of therapeutic about writing it. I'm not sure why it makes me feel that way, it just does.

This is dedicated to all of you who have been patiently waiting for a 'reunion' of sorts. It has taken a long time to get to this point (both in the fiction and in my own life) and I hope you find it satisfactory!

And…action!!!

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE**  
Chapter 19**: I'm Kind of Crazy

'_Sunday, all the lights of London,  
Shining, sky is fading red to blue…  
I'm kicking through the autumn leaves,  
And wondering where it is you might be going to…  
Turning back for home,  
You know I'm feeling so alone,  
I can't believe…  
Climbing on the stair,  
I turn around to see you smiling there  
In front of me…_

_If you want it, come and get it…  
Crying out loud.  
The love that I was, giving you was,  
Never in doubt.  
Let go your heart, let go your head,  
And feel it now…Babylon,  
Babylon…'_

_"Babylon"- David Gray _

_**Lily's POV**_

**December 6, 1976  
(Early Sunday Morning)**

I feel vulnerable.

I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate not having control of my life and the situations around me.

And now, I especially hate it because it's what landed me here.

I've sat in this damned bed for hours, my mind running through the nightmare I've just endured and somehow managed to survive.

But the 'ifs' have plagued my mind since I awoke from my medicated state of unconsciousness.

If only I was stronger.

If only I'd thought to carry my wand in hand and keep a watchful eye on my surroundings.

If only I wasn't so naïve to the dangers lurking in even the smallest of towns such as Hogsmeade.

But no, I wasn't strong. I wasn't alert. I wasn't clever.

And because of those things, my world has shattered in ways I didn't even know it could.

I keep my head lowered as Madame Pomfrey mumbles something to my lethargic parents on the other side of the screen, their shadows cast by a dimly lit lamp. I can't hear a word she's saying. My mind—my heart—has blocked her out.

And I'm forced to sit here, to wait and drink these potions and allow what's left of my life to crumble.

I lost my sister when I got my letter at 11. I lost my oldest best friend four years later. Most recently, I lost the love of my life. And now, I may lose my chance at having a family.

Yes, it's only a risk. It's only a possibility. But it's there; it's under my skin like a parasite.

Madame Pomfrey's assistant hands me a new vial of purple liquid and I down another dreadful potion. I want nothing more than to hurl the appalling medicine at the wall, but I take it like a good girl anyway.

Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, she takes the clear vial from my hand and then she is out of my sight.

I don't watch her leave. I know she'll have some news to report to my parents. My mother will cry more. Alice will want to console me.

But none of them understand, not completely. They couldn't possibly identify with how I'm feeling.

Warm water tickles my cheek as it slides down my face and onto my hospital gown, but I don't bother wiping them away. What's the use? I wipe away one and a dozen more will come and take its place.

As I stare at the small beads of water on my hands, my heart feels something that I wasn't prepared to experience.

The fire is alive in my chest; the butterflies are fluttering like mad in my stomach, my senses are on high alert.

No one—no other soul on Earth—can give me that feeling except him.

Warily, I turn my gaze to the slim entrance of the divider.

He's here.

His warm hazel eyes are penetrating my own; his chiseled face is lined with concern and fear.

And above all else, love.

Is he real? Is he actually standing before me now? Here, after everything I've done, everything I've said…

The lenses of his black round-rimmed glasses are fixed on me and reflect the glow of the moonlight from my window. His arms hang limp at his sides as he carefully studies my every move from his stance by the opening.

We are two figures suspended in time. Not moving, not blinking, not speaking.

I'm no longer thinking with my brain. I'm thinking about the person who somehow found me, who's looking at me like he can see my very soul.

I'm not listening to the part of me that cares about what Sirius thinks or his wants and needs.

I'm listening to my heart. Every thump, every vibration, every flurry of bliss is for James.

I put forth an arm for him to take. Palm up, heart exposed, my actions speaking more than I could ever hope to say. And still, I manage to pronounce one word.

"James..."

My eyes fall shut as I whisper his name. The flames in my chest are out of control and the butterflies in my stomach are riotous.

The tears that were once falling at a leisurely, steady pace have become erratic. My arm is still stretched out to him, silently beckoning and praying that he'll get the message.

And then his calloused hand covers mine, the perfect fit. All of my nerves, all of my fears are temporarily forgotten.

I slowly open my eyes and they land on his immediately.

This is no illusion. This is no dream.

He bolsters his grip on my hand as if he's afraid to let go and he walks closer. His eyes never abandon mine.

And before I can even blink, he's clinging to me. The pain, the sadness, the longing is released into the cloth of his navy shirt as I pull myself closer to him.

He holds me to his chest, swaying our bodies to a rhythm that only we are acquainted with. His hand travels from my tangled hair to run up and down my back.

We do not apologize, we don't even speak. Words are not necessary. Words couldn't possibly express what our hearts are feeling right now.

I don't need to hear what he's feeling. I just need him.

I am intact. Right here is where I need to be. Nothing is more reassuring. Nothing is better than this.

Snuggled securely in the walls of his embrace, I forget where I am. But as soon as I open one eye and see the hospital gown and the potion vials on the table next to my bed, I'm brought back to reality.

His soft lips press into my hair and I shiver at the touch.

"You're afraid and you have every right to be. You should've never gone through that, never. But you have me. I'm here. And we'll get through this."

_We'll get through this. _

"I was weak, James. I walked away from Alice and Marlene and I was so stupid…"

His snug arms curl a little more around my waist and hold me protectively as if the same unspeakable threat was in the room.

"Don't you dare say that, Lil. Don't you dare let him get to you. That's what he wanted in the first place. You are one of the strongest people I know, if not _the_ strongest. You're beautiful and smart and so determined. Don't let him win. Don't let this beat you."

I draw a deep breath and stare at the dark tear stains on his shirt.

"I can't beat some things. I'm so tired…I don't feel like fighting anymore."

My ear hovers above his pounding heart as his chest steadily rises and falls. I feel calm as I listen to his labored breaths and increasing heart rate.

"Then I'll stay with you. Whenever you need me, whenever you feel like you need more strength, you can have mine. I'm not moving from your side, not anymore."

His profession pierces my heart. His steadfast commitment to me after all of this time is staggering. His love so strong, so immense, so much more than other people could ever dream of sharing.

And I deliberately broke his heart.

I look at him as he stands above me, vowing to put up with my horrid temper and odd quirks so he can be with me. Never questioning why I made my mistakes, why I turned my back on our love.

There's one thing I know for sure: I don't deserve him.

Now I'm left to tackle these issues, to face him and recover the bits and pieces left of the heart I broke. I have to put him back together. Put _us_ back together.

"I'm so sorry," I speak softly into his chest. At first I don't think he heard it, but then he stiffens, "You don't know how much I mean that."

The tips of his fingers trail down my cheek and fall to his side. Reluctantly, I pull away from him to examine his face.

And to let him examine mine, to let him see that this is much more than a simple apology and a mouthful of words.

"I said a lot of things I didn't mean, especially that morning and the night we patrolled. And I've regretted them every second of my life since. Never once did I actually believe what I was saying. Never once did your face leave my mind. I still love you, James Potter."

Tears spring to his eyes as my declaration fills the room and registers in his mind.

He doesn't say a word.

"I didn't want him to feel like I was taking his place. Everything I did, I did it for you and Sirius and Remus and Peter. I had to…"

In mid sentence, he shakes his head and places both hands on my cheeks.

"Don't worry about it, okay? I already know. He told me everything."

I move my eyes to the bed rails and take a deep breath.

"He—he _told_ you?"

One hand slides down from my cheek to my chin, lovingly tilting my head up so I have no choice but to meet his gaze head on.

"I want to make one thing perfectly clear, right here and now: you're not destroying our friendship. You're not tearing me away from them. If anything, you've made me appreciate them. When you yelled at me by the lake fifth year, I deserved it. I took everyone in my life for granted, including them. No one ever said anything to me like you did. Nothing made it hit home until you. At the time, it hurt like hell. But looking back on it now, it means more to me than you'll ever know. You changed me. You're my muse. There is no James Potter without Lily Evans. I haven't felt alive without you by my side."

Our eyes are locked on each other—mine searching his to find the truth, his reading mine like an open book.

"But he—Sirius, he said…"

His pointer finger is pressed against my lips to cut off my sentence yet again.

"Hey, hey…no more of that," he whispers as he shakes his head, causing a few of his thick ebony locks to fall into his eyes.

"Sirius is an idiot. He was wrong. He lied to you, to everyone. And I don't care about that 'he said, she said' nonsense. Deep down, you know the truth."

I can only nod slightly because of his hold on my chin.

Yes, deep down, I do know the truth. Deep down, I believe everything he's telling me. But there are still so many flaws in this equation. There's still so much that his comforting words can't guarantee.

"I love you…and I love the three of them as well. I would hurt myself before I'd do anything to hurt any of you. All of you are my family, just in different ways. No matter what it is that I do, I do it with you and them in mind. I would never lay my relationship with you or them on the line."

"But you always put me first. Every single time, you put me first."

He examines my face carefully before nodding and I look away. Even _he_ will admit it.

"That's true. I do. Obviously, I love you in a different way than I love them and it's natural that I would put you first. I don't know how well you're aware of this, but we're facing all-out war, Lil. I can't be thirteen and pulling pranks left and right anymore. I want to be with you, I want to start a family with you. And in times like these, having that dream means letting go of some of my old ways. I'm serious about this and I'm serious about you. I wouldn't be here now if I weren't.

"And sure, I still like to have fun with them, I still like to party with them, but I can't live every second of my life planning on ways to skin Filch's cat or piss off McGonagall. The only thing I can do is to think logically. You would never, ever make me choose between you and them and I know that. And I see why you did this, I understand. You thought that one day, I would have to make that decision. But I won't. I won't ever make that decision. You are my world and they mean a lot to me, too. But I won't do anything to destroy my friendship with them. I won't ever hurt or let anyone else harm any of you, not if I can help it."

He sighs, raising my hand to his lips and kissing the tip of each finger.

"You have to understand that the person I am, the person who is a loyal friend to them wouldn't exist if it weren't for you. You saved me from myself; you're imprinted on my heart and you're my family. You're their family, too."

I believe what he says is true, I really do. But I can't shake thoughts of Sirius nor his words from that night out of my head.

"I don't want to be responsible for the bitterness. I can't be happy if I know that Sirius bears a grudge against me…or you."

He draws me to him, his close contact sending ripples of warmth and affection through my stone-cold body.

"Sirius and I will talk. One way or another we'll work it out. We always do, no matter which of us screwed up the worst," he chuckles, "But this is important for you to know. It's no real mystery how horrible my life has been since I left the dorm that day. All three of them have noticed…and all three of them have missed you. You've almost become a certified fifth Marauder, young lady."

A giggle sneaks out and he beams, proud that he could get such a positive reaction from me on a day that has been one of my worst.

"Whether you realize it or not, you mean a lot to them. We may not have always been close, but we've grown up together. When we split apart, so did a lot of your contact with them. We haven't been the same and yes, that 'we' includes Sirius."

I completely relax against him as I let it all soak in. I've missed them. Remus' wisdom and encouragement, Peter's awkwardness, James' love.

And especially Sirius' companionship.

Each has played a significant and different role in my life for years. Somehow, it never occurred to me that if I turned James away, I would be doing the same to them.

Now, I see how much I've almost relinquished and how much those fools, my boys. They're irreplaceable.

His hands gently grip my arms and he holds me at arm's length.

"I don't know how I survived the past two weeks. For being such a short amount of time, they were absolute hell."

His eyes are downcast, his teeth nibbling on his bottom lip as he considers his next words.

"I love you. I loved you the first time I saw you at King's Cross and I'll love you until the day I die and after, if that's possible. But when I lost you, I lost touch with who I was. As corny as this may be, believe me when I say that so much of me is tied to you. And I want that part of me back. I want _you _back. I've missed you."

The mischievous sparkle that has been absent from his eyes all morning long is suddenly back in place.

"Go out with me, Evans."

I take one look at his infamous confident grin and my heart warms. But he is not the same boy who asked me that dozens of times before. Time has changed him and not just physically, but mentally as well. And even though he's grown into a man, he still has enough of that boyish charisma to make my heart sputter with exhilaration.

"Tempting offer…I'm going to have to think this one over..."

A silly smile wide enough to match his own adorns my face when I see a little hint of nervousness in his eyes. How can he still doubt my feelings for him?

I gently cup his face and hold him even with my eyes.

"Times' up, I've thought it over and…I think I just might fancy you, Potter."

I barely utter the last word before his lips are covering mine, softly caressing me as if I would break at the least amount of pressure. The air feels like it's charged and my heart feels like it will leap out of my chest.

Everything I've missed…all of his touches, kisses, sweet words, every emotion that has been neglected comes flooding back with this solitary kiss.

"I've missed you, too, James."

This is paradise. Little moments like this are what I've been missing.

Grudgingly, we pull apart. His forehead rests against mine and his long fringe tickles my sensitive skin. My eyes flutter open and I see his fingers lightly trailing over a severe laceration on my arm, but I can't feel his fingers.

When he doesn't see a reaction, his eyes leave my arm and gaze deeply into mine.

"What have they told you?"

A pang streaks through my heart like lightening as I recall the big discussion with Madame Pomfrey yesterday evening.

"They want me to drink disgusting potion after disgusting potion. One, of course, is a dreamless sleeping draught. The others are supposed to ease the soreness from the curse and heal any internal damage I may have got from that other spell."

He watches, listens, waits patiently for me to continue, but all I do is give him a sad smile.

"What exactly did that spell do?"

"I'm not really sure. All I remember is lying there on the floor, trying to recover from the Unforgivable he'd hit me with seconds before. I can't even remember the word he said, it never occurred to me to listen. It hurt a lot, I do know that."

His fingers toy with my disheveled hair as I talk. I feel at peace. I feel loved.

"Madame Pomfrey said I might feel some numbness in certain places, particularly the areas that were cut. But I'll be fine eventually. Except…"

And here comes the hardest part.

"There are some things that could go wrong. These potions…they might do more harm than good in the long run."

He laces our hands together and listens intently, the brown tint in his eyes growing darker with concern. I can feel my own watering as I virtually choke out the harrowing news.

"She said there's a risk that I could be barren. And I remember how you told me that you couldn't wait to start a family of your own someday..."

"Shhh, Lily, listen to me," he caresses my jaw with the pads of his coarse, quidditch- toughened fingers, "Yes, that is a dream of mine. I'd love to start a family with you, I'd love to be a father and for you to be a mother. But I'm not with you just to have you bear my children. I'm with you because I love you because. You make me happy, you make me a better person.

"If it's not meant to happen, if you never do get pregnant, I'll still feel the same then as I do now. I'm not going to love you any less or hold a grudge over something that is out of your control. Don't ever think that I will. In case you haven't noticed by now, I'm kind of crazy about you, kid."

His thumb rubs soothing circles over my hand before he brings it to his lips for a tender kiss. Such a small gesture, but one that faintly lifts the corners of my mouth nonetheless.

"I know, you're horrible at hiding it. Don't over volunteer to be a secret keeper, love." I lean forward and peck the tip of his nose while he laughs quietly.

"It's such a relief to know that you'd stick by me even if I can't give you everything you want, but…I want it, too."

My fingers trail over the lines in his palm before moving to his wrist, following the intricate channels of the blue veins and almost hypnotizing myself in the process.

"I never was one of those girls who wanted children or to even get married. I wanted to go to a university and be a doctor or a schoolteacher. Of course, this was before I found out I was a witch. It's funny how most people are so determined and focused on achieving something when they're children, but change their mind completely when they're older.

"But like I said, I never planned on getting pregnant and caring after another human being. Too much responsibility and patience and time. But as I got a little older…and fell in love, I found myself thinking about it more and more. I had dreams of rocking redheaded or dark haired babies. I could suddenly see myself changing diapers and spoon feeding and teaching him or her how to walk and talk. After I saw myself doing all of these things in my dreams, it didn't seem so bad. And now that I actually can see myself being a mother, my chance may already be gone."

His palms cradle my face and our foreheads and noses are touching. His eyes hidden behind those frames and staring right back at me are all I can see.

"We'll go for it, we'll try every technique known to mankind and hope for the best. If you want a family then I'll do what I can to give you that. You should know by now that Potter's don't give in so easily."

Regardless of his light attempt at humor, tears spill from the corners of my eyes all the same and he quickly brushes them away before they can make it past my cheekbones.

"I'm just scared of so many things. What if I do get pregnant and something goes wrong? Or what if I'm a bad mother? And—"

His eyebrows knit together as I come to a stop, not wanting to think about what nearly came out of my mouth.

"Sweetheart, you'll be a great mother. If there's one question I can answer with one hundred and ten percent certainty, it's that one," he offers me a small smile, but it quickly turns into a frown when I don't return it.

"What is it, Lil? What else are you afraid of?"

"I…," my words are stuck in my throat, but I muster up enough courage to break through, "I'm a muggleborn. And I know you don't care about that. You could care less about blood status; that's something I've always admired about you, even during the times when I would rather have Peter give me a haircut than admit it to your face. But…I don't want to drag you down with me. I don't want you to have to constantly be looking over your shoulder because of whom you married. I was miserable after I lost you once and that was only for two weeks. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you again, for good. I'm terrified of what could happen to us, to you. As much as I don't want to be, I'm terrified of what people will do or say."

The mattress springs creak as he slowly lies down next to me. I scoot over to give him more space, but he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer than I was before. His fingers wind a lock of my hair around his finger, watching with a grin as it curls, then straightens.

"I remember a long, long time ago when a certain little redhead stood up to this arrogant prick at the end of the school year. He thought he was the king of the castle. He picked on everyone, including her best friend. He was willing to do anything to get her attention, so he tried to bribe her. And do you know what she did?"

Hidden behind a veil of wavy auburn hair, I smile and listen closely as he recites a tale that both of us know by heart.

"She held her head up and told him where to stick it, that's what. She ignored what everyone else was saying, everyone who defended the prat and called her names, and she stood by her word. And each time someone called her something unpleasant, she worked extra hard to show them how wrong they were.

"She worked her arse off to get the best scores and prove that she was right, that she belonged her just as much as that pureblood toe-rag did. She spoke her mind and she held her ground. Don't lose sight of that girl from fifth year, Lil. Bring her back."

Shaking my head, I can't help but laugh a little, earning a wide smile from him.

"That girl also had a few friends who gave her strength to be brave and helped her get through those hard times."

Swiftly, yet smoothly his voice rings in.

"And she'll have them again. Only this time, she'll have more than a few."

His fingers trace my jaw line before settling on my chin, delicately pulling me toward him and into a fervent kiss.

"Thank you, James."

The soft tone of my mother's voice causes us to break our kiss and look toward the makeshift door. A small smile is on her lips as she stares at her hands.

"You've done something none of us have been able to do. The bright smile on my daughter's face is because you're here, because you followed your heart. I've missed seeing her so happy, I've missed her smile. And I know we haven't gotten off to a good start, but after seeing how she looks at you and how you look at her, I know you'll make her happy. I know you'll take care of her and love her the way that she should be loved. I don't know how to thank you properly for that."

And even though I'm still demoted to the hospital bed, even though my legs, arms, and torso are sore and lined with slashes, I've never felt more invigorated.

I've never felt more at ease.

* * *

**December 7, 1976  
Monday**

"I've gone without _this_ version of you for way too long."

I lift my head to see Alice's euphoric eyes staring back at me as we pack away the remaining ordinary chess pieces.

I don't even have to say the words. I'm sure they're written all over my face and perceptible in my eyes.

"I don't know how to thank you, Alice."

She leans her head to the side and gives me an inquisitive look.

"What for? I didn't do anything."

"The letters. James told me you gave them to him. And even though I hadn't planned on giving him that letter, I'm glad you did. So thank you."

She shrugs and gives me a hug before taking a seat at the foot of my cot.

"Believe it or not, your mom suggested it. Marlene and I told her what happened and how heartbroken you were. We all knew that you secretly wanted him here, but we also know how you work. You wouldn't have asked him to come and you wouldn't have told us to find him. You would've let this carry on while you wallowed in your own misery. But you're a package deal, Lil. You can't be without each other. It was time for _you_ to realize that and it was time for_ him_ to come back."

I couldn't agree more.

"You're right—"

"Damn…" she interrupts, "I love it when I hear that. Can you say it again?"

For the first time in ages, Alice and I share a genuine laugh. Nothing's forced, there's no pretending. I feel free, my heart is free, and I know I'm alive.

"Really, you have no idea how it felt to see him standing there. I didn't think he was real. And then he came to me, took my hand, and he's supporting me. I feel so…light. I don't have to put on a show anymore."

She shakes her head and mumbles, "Whoever said you had to?"

Her amber eyes look over at me and a grin threatens to split her face in half. I appreciate this side of Alice immeasurably. She can readily turn a tense conversation into playful banter in an instant, like now for example. Her mood has lightened from pensive to witty in less than a second.

"So where is lover boy, anyway? I figured once he got here, he wouldn't leave your side for a second."

"My stomach growled and gave me away. He told me they weren't feeding me enough in here, so he ran down to the kitchens."

Alice chuckles and her lips settle on a smile of satisfaction. I know she's missed sharing moments like this with me. _I've_ missed them as well.

"We're lucky ladies, aren't we? We have men who treat us like queens, wait on us hand and foot even when we're absolute hags. Let's not forget it."

"I never will."

I drop my eyes to the bishop in my hand as I continuously flip a piece through the spaces between my fingers.

"Oh, bugger! I have a Herbology quiz in an hour. I guess we should finish putting these away so I can go study," she sticks her tongue out and laughs as she picks up a handful and drops them in the velvet drawstring bag.

I grab the pieces from my side of the board and follow her lead. Just as I place the queen in the sack, I hear a throat being cleared.

Looking up, Marlene's apprehensive expression is the first thing to greet my vision.

"Er, Lily…there's someone who would like to visit you, if that's okay."

She anxiously shifts her body to the right, revealing the person standing behind her.

My stomach drops, my heart stops.

For the past day, I've been dancing in my personal heaven, enjoying a side of life that I'd forgotten actually existed.

But with one look at the door, I come spinning…plunging…crashing back down to Earth.


	21. 20: The Rise & Fall

**Disclaimer:** Characters and setting are not mine, otherwise I'd be sipping on a margarita in the Caribbean right now.

**A/N:** Not much to say except thank you for the lovely reviews (especially the long ones)! I apologize if I couldn't reply...yes, I did say I wasn't going to do that, but I just can't help myself, lol. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. Very little L/J, but I promise you that after this one, you'll have nothing but L/J to enjoy.

This story is slowly but surely winding down, folks...

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE**  
Chapter 20**: The Rise & Fall

_'Getting too busy to make amends  
I should try to make it right  
Are you ready for the shit to hit?  
I think you say you are but aren't  
Doctor make it better instantly  
You're the only one who can  
I've been waiting here my whole damn life  
And I've forgotten what I wanted…'_

_"Ways & Means"—Snow Patrol_

**Sirius' POV**

**December 7, 1976  
Monday ****  
**

I'm trying.

It's the only thing I can do. It's the only option I have left.

I've fucked up. I've fucked everything up. And now I must take the barmaid's advice. I must take Alice's words to heart.

I've made my bed, my mess, and now I must fix it.

In other words, I have to save James and Lily's relationship. But most of all, I have to save myself.

I have to stop being this self-destructive monster, this person who is living up to my family's name. I don't want to become that person, I don't want to be like them. I don't want people to hear my last name and automatically assume that I am villain, that I am a callous murderer.

I knew that what I did was not right the moment I did it. In addition to my fading conscience, I even had people telling me so. But it wasn't until I opened Lily's letter that everything fell into place. I was like a blind man wandering through an open desert and when I read her note, my eyes were finally opened.

It was then that I knew what I had to do.

_The right thing. _

But 'the right thing' never comes easy for me. Once a simple 'I'm sorry' enters my mind, it is quickly smothered. Even if I knew how to phrase it, my words could never be good enough.

Because taking that step—the first small, baby step—was damn near impossible to do.

Coming to James and admitting that I, while using Lily, held his heart on a silver platter was one of the most challenging things I've ever done in my life.

I could've never visualized myself standing before them and laying this out. Not in the face of my little sister, my surrogate brother, or even my first and only love. I couldn't do it sober. _Definitely_ not sober.

So with the help of alcohol, I found my backbone.

An artificial backbone, but a backbone nonetheless.

I've learned that alcohol affects me differently than it does other people. Most drink to drown their sorrows, which was what I'd intended to do. But instead of drowning, mine re-emerged.

When I'm by myself in the dorm or at a bar in Hogsmeade, I remember the old me. I see myself laughing and having a good time. I see someone who was, to some extent, happy with his life. Not the slouching drunk who couldn't tell his left from right.

The Sirius that loved them. The Sirius that had their trust in the palm of his hand. Not the Sirius who crushed it.

Hours ticked away and I was still guzzling shot after shot, but my mind was elsewhere. My mind was thinking about my greed, my disloyalty.

My betrayal.

All I could think about was how badly she needed him. All I could see was the image of her lying in the hospital wing without him next to her, comforting her. He wasn't there to hold her hand. He wasn't there to make it okay.

He was gone.

And I was the reason why. I was the one who took him away. So when I reappeared from my fire whiskey endeavors, I lifted this colossal weight off of my conscience.

I went to the Head dorms and I spilled. I told the truth. I brought James back. I returned him to her.

This was hardly a drop in the bucket. This is far from being over, far from settling the score. But I've taken the first step. As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day.

Which brings me here, to step number two. And with a bit of luck, this could be the biggest step of them all.

Dull brown eyes stare back into mine peculiarly, their owner considering my countenance before she ultimately heaves a sigh. Instantly, I know what will come next.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Black, but I'm under strict orders to not let anyone outside of close friends and family inside to visit Miss Evans at this time."

The girl looks just a few years older than 17—still very predisposed. Her resiliency to deny me is strong, but with a little coaxing, I have a faint suspicion that she might let me in. On the other hand, I'm sure someone—Lily's parents, Alice, possibly Madame Pomfrey, or maybe even James—made sure that there would be no stray visitors arriving unless they were in desperate need of immediate care.

After the attack, I'm certain they'll jump through flaming hoops to keep her protected right now and that makes perfect sense. More vicious rumors brought upon by unwelcome visitors are the last things she needs.

I gawk openly and blankly at the young woman across from me, hoping that she'll cave under the weight of my stare or my so-called 'dashing good looks'. No dice.

Seeing that she's pretty set in her ways, I make to leave. But as soon as I turn around, I see a familiar face leaning against the wall opposite me.

Marlene.

How convenient.

She watched the whole show play out, leaning against the wall and looking as calm as ever. A mug of some hot liquid is hanging in her hand as the stirrer swirls around on it's own.

Observing me with her empty sapphire eyes. Incessant, relentless, and hollow…not the same ardent, tender eyes that I can't get out of my head.

No—instead, her face is stony, rigid. It doesn't take a genius to fathom that my presence is uninvited.

But for Lily and James' sake, and especially my own, I have to give it a go. I have to at least try. I take a step forward; she doesn't bat an eye.

"How's Lily?"

No riposte.

"Marlene, please. I really need to talk to her."

She shakes her head and watches the stirrer blend the dark liquid in her cup.

"Now's not the time, Sirius. She really doesn't need to see you right now. She's tired, she's weak, and James is back with her. I think he's gone to get her some food right now, as a matter of fact. And I don't want anyone or anything to muck it up. You're not exactly everyone's favorite person right now, you know."

The truth of her words pluck my heartstrings. I'm probably the last person she needs—or wants—to see right now. I shouldn't be here, I don't _deserve_ to be here after the heartache I've caused, but I'm standing here like a fool nonetheless.

"I understand, but…I'm not here to make the situation worse, I just want to see her. I want to make it better."

She looks up at me, her doleful blue eyes piercing my own, and I can see her fighting an inner battle. She wants to believe what I'm saying, wants to fix this broken bond between her friends.

But Lily's her friend. I've hurt her once, maybe even more than once, and she doesn't want to risk letting that happen again.

"Marlene, I'll get down on my knees if I must, just let me see her. If she doesn't want to see me, I'll leave without another word. I promise."

She studies me for a moment, still quite unsure of how she should handle this. And then finally, she gives me her consent.

"Don't make me regret this, Sirius."

The woman who denied me entrance recognizes Marlene and my leg is shaking subconsciously as we walk through the door together. In silence—it's always silent these days.

My stomach starts to turn as I see the curtains shielding our view ahead. As we make it to the doorway of the small barrier, Marlene glances back at me briefly.

"Er, Lily…there's someone who would like to visit you."

As she speaks, I take a step forward. No James, just Alice. It doesn't take long until I find the pair of green eyes I've been looking for.

The enormity of my stupid lapse of judgment hits me like a wild herd of hippogriffs.

She used to look at me with the greatest of fondness and reverence. As I look at her now, her gaze holds nothing but dread. I'm the one who put it there.

And I know that among the millions of ideas running through her head, there's one major concern. She's afraid that I'm here for another purpose: to do the same thing I did a couple of weeks ago.

To take James away from her for the second time.

Which reminds me why this is so important. I need to show her that I'm not here to do more harm. That the old me is still very much alive.

"Why are you here?"

There's a crack in her voice. Small and scarcely acknowledgeable, but loud enough to make me shiver and send thousands of doubts racing through my mind.

"I wanted to speak with you. It'll only take five to ten minutes, I swear."

She moves her eyes to Alice and nods her head slowly.

"Go on, five minutes is as much as necessary."

I see Alice's eyes dart to me and back to Lily as she shifts uncomfortably on the bed.

"You sure about this, Lil? Cause I can stay if you'd like…"

Lily shakes her head and motions towards the opening that I'm currently blocking.

"I'm sure."

I watch as Alice stands up from Lily's bed and makes her way over to where I'm standing. As she reaches Marlene, who is standing behind me, she turns to me, staring directly at me suspiciously briefly before leaving.

I watch both of them exit the barrier and walk away and then I turn back to Lily.

She doesn't look at me as she sits on the bed staring down at her hands.

I'm not sure what to say, how to begin to tell her how I feel. I've never had to apologize for anything before, never had a reason to so I'm treading on unfamiliar ground.

"How are you? How do you feel?"

"I'm okay," she murmurs as she plays with the string on her gown. I know she's lying; she's avoiding my gaze.

This will take quite a bit of effort.

Cagily, I take a seat on the edge of her bed. A safe, friendly distance, but not enough to make either one of us feel apprehensive. I lean onto my knees, folding my hands in front of me as she studiously avoids my looking in my direction.

"Can I—can I explain a few things to you?"

She nods her head and toys with her fingers while I force the nervous butterflies in my stomach to cease their movement.

The words that I'm looking for aren't coming. I tried to figure it out before I put myself in this situation, but her eyes have narrowed in on my face and I've lost my concentration. What _does_ come out is an impromptu explanation; rough, raw and completely unplanned.

"I was jealous of your relationship. And I didn't realize what it was doing to me until it was too late."

As soon as the word 'jealous' pops out of my mouth, her eyes dart to mine. Everyone, Lily included, always thought I was happy in my bachelorhood. I even thought I was, I was so secure in myself.

My revelation of this aforementioned jealousy is not only startling news to her ears, but to mine as well.

"Shocking, isn't it? I've never fancied myself to want that, either. And up until a while ago, I didn't. But I saw how you looked at him. I noticed every whisper, every touch, and I wanted it. I wanted to be that special to someone, I wanted people to look at my relationship and automatically know it was something important. But for me, it was something intangible, something I could never have."

I swallow hard and bring my hands to cover my eyes, rubbing the tired circles below them.

"I suppose it really hit me after Marlene and I went our separate ways, but it began before that. I'd never been in a real relationship before but I watched the way you and James acted around each other. And then I developed expectations for my own relationship…and when it couldn't meet those expectations, I started to resent the two of you because you had what I was missing.

"I had never felt that kind of love towards another person, not in the romantic way. And I let my relationship with Marlene die because I couldn't spot what was right under my nose the whole time. I was a fool. Even when she pointed it out to me, I didn't see it and honestly, I didn't want to. I was too busy being jealous of James. I couldn't believe that my best friend had already found the love of his life. Here we are, around the same age, and he'd found his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. He had his 'happily ever after' as soon as he found you and I didn't even know where to begin. It drove me mad."

She's unable to hide her puzzled expression but she doesn't look away, although I almost wish that she would.

"Misery loves company," I state, a cynical smile turning up the corners of my mouth, "You've heard of that old saying before, haven't you?"

She absentmindedly nods her head as she listens intently to my admission.

"That's what I wanted. I felt like everything was slowly dissolving in my hands, like my life was slipping away. And I didn't want to be alone in my grief, so I used you. I used all of the kindness, all of the love you held for me in your heart against you. When I went to see you after that party, I already knew what would happen. I'd thought about it, planned it, and rehearsed it in my mind. And the whole time, my heart was telling me how wrong it was, but I ignored it. Like every other time, I chose to do the wrong thing anyway."

I suck in a deep breath and lean forward, trying to find some way to accentuate my words. For me, apologizing is rare. I've done it maybe once or twice and even during those times, I'm not sure I meant it as much as I do now.

"As soon as I told you, I felt guilty because I knew what would happen. I knew what you would do. I knew you would break up with James. And I've felt guilty ever since. Not only that, but…"

I gently take her hand in my own and marvel at it for a second, my eyes tracing the smooth, exceptionally pale patch skin around her ring finger.

"I told you lies. I said things that my own heart didn't believe and I never meant a single one of them."

Her eyes bore into mine, completely blank and unreadable. No tears, no sadness, no anger. Just blank.

"What can I believe, then?"

The question caught me off guard and I wasn't sure how to respond. What _could_ she believe? I've told her things that even _I_ didn't believe, so why should she trust me again when I've given her every reason not to?

"The truth is that you're a great person with an even better heart. Long before you got together, I used to wonder what James saw in you. Why he spent so much of his time asking you out only to be rejected. What it was about you that had him addicted. Now, it doesn't come as a surprise. Not one bit. Because you are, without a doubt, the most honest, most beautiful person I've ever met. You do what most people can't, and I'm unfortunately including myself in that group. You love others unconditionally. The truth is, we owe you a lot of credit for setting James straight."

Her brow wrinkles in confusion as she looks at me.

"Why?"

"You turned him into a man. Not just physically, but in every stage of his life. As you very well remember, he was an arrogant arse-hole not so long ago. Bloody hell, I was too. Still am at times, obviously. But _you_…you brought him down to Earth, Lily. You leveled the playing field by giving him a good dose of his own medicine. Until that day, he'd never had anyone stand up to him like that. Never, not even me. But you made him take a good look in the mirror and for the first time, he saw the arrogant prick he had become and he vowed to change. Sure, there were other factors involved, but your words made an impact in his mind _and_ heart. It's safe to say that had he not met and fell head over heels in love with you, he wouldn't be the same person he is now."

I know she's reflecting on my words as she chews her bottom lip. He's told her all of this as well. And I know that while she knows what I say about James is true, she would never give herself the credit. She's much too humble for that.

"I've missed my little sister. We've all missed you; we've missed seeing you with James. And I want you to know that I love you and that you are very special to me. The weeks we've spent without you have been horrible and it's my entire fault. I'm the one to blame and I'm sorry. I don't even know where to begin with an apology because it's never going to be enough. It'll never show you how sorry I am."

Her hand that is clutching mine squeezes it gently and a small, sad smile plays on her pale lips.

"Why didn't you tell me or James or even Marlene? Why did you keep it all locked up?"

I let my hair tumble over one side of my face to hide my expression. Again, I'm at a loss for words. I've never been particularly forthcoming, but this is ludicrous.

"I wasn't sure what to say or how you would react because it's not your fault. It never was your fault. I've never been good at opening up to people, so I blocked out everyone who cared for me, particularly you and James and above all, Marlene. I went about it the wrong way and it cost all of us."

"But you could've—_should've_ come to us. I don't know what we would've said to you if you had, but you still shouldn't have held it in for so long. You shouldn't have let it build up to the point where you had no choice. And in one night, you took away the person who means the world to me. To _us_."

My eyes slowly drift shut with her every word. There's no way to sift through it; every bit is correct.

"You're one of my closest friends, Sirius, and I love you. I'd do anything for you or Remus or Peter. I trusted you and I thought you knew that I'm not trying to take your place. You know me better than that; I know you do. That's what makes it so hard to understand why you did this."

At first, I want to hang my head. I want to cower and give into my own self-pity. But something…something gives me strength. Something makes me raise my head, meet her gaze, and grab both of her hands in mine this time.

I can't let the guilt win; it's not what I came here for. I'm not here to commiserate; I'm here for atonement.

"I don't understand it either. At least not entirely. You've stuck by me through thick and thin. But trust me…I know I messed up. And I know I don't have history or heritage in my favor when I tell you that I'll never do anything to hurt you again. But I'll do my best to make it up to you, I swear on my life. Just please…forgive me."

"Give me one good reason why she should."

Both of our heads whirl around to find an enraged James standing by the curtain, arms indomitably crossed and his intimidating glare set on me.

"Tell me, Sirius. In what way have you rightfully earned her forgiveness? Why should she?"

I slide further away from Lily but stay planted on the bed.

"Let me guess…because she's your 'little sister'? Because you _love_ her? That's it, isn't it? You love her so fucking much that you broke her heart. That sounds about right, doesn't it?"

"James, please…" Lily's dulcet voice tries to calm him down, but he's beyond that point already.

When I look up, his eyes are fixed on Lily—soft, warm, and full of love.

But then he turns to me.

The look of compassion dissolves into unspoken indignation. He is seething, debating on whether or not he should unleash his fury here or wait until we're alone.

In the end, he takes the high road.

"I need to say a few things to you, none of which she should have to hear. Let's step out."

He jerks his head towards the exit, an indication for me to follow him wherever he may lead us. I trail behind as he winds his way out of the hospital wing and through the passageways. We pass several stained-glass windows and antique portraits before coming to a stop.

I take a glimpse at my surroundings and I realize the purpose of the long walk. He's made sure that no one will hear us yell if it comes to that.

I don't have to look at him to know he's livid. I know if he had the chance, he would yell at me loud enough to wake up the entire European continent. He would scream at me until his lungs collapsed and his voice box gave out.

And I deserve every bit of it.

I can only wait and watch as he walks back and forth in front of me, hands alternating between his hair and his hips. And finally, he turns to me.

"I still can't believe this. I can't believe you did...damn it, Sirius! She loves you, she always has, and I thought you loved her! You don't do this kind of thing to those you really love, you just don't."

His hands fall from his hips and he walks closer to me, his face a mixture of revulsion and ire.

"So explain to me what sick little thrill you got out of it. Was it the same one you got when you tried to murder Snape last year?"

Furiously, I shake my head and frown. I choose to ignore that last part; that's one scenario I wish to amputate from my mind.

Yet another form of betrayal, another inconsiderate decision, another ignorant mistake made by Sirius Black.

"Nothing. No thrill, no gain. I got nothing."

He takes a step closer and I watch the muscles in his eyes rove over my face. He knows how much that comment stung. He knows all too well.

"Are you satisfied with what you've done? How many people you've managed to hurt along the way?"

I start to walk away, wanting desperately to get myself out of here, but his hand seizes me by the shoulder and whirls me back around to face him. He's almost breathing fire.

"Are you _proud_ of this?"

"Of course not. I never said I was proud of what I've done. It was in my head—my conscience—the whole time and I regret every single second of it. "

My teeth are gnashing and my jaw is clenched painfully tight, but my strain is nothing compared to his. His blazing eyes search my face for a physical sign that might contradict my words.

At long last he backs up, laughs irreverently, and shakes his head.

"You might've regretted it but you didn't do anything to stop it either, did you? You watched us fall apart and you said nothing; you had all of the opportunities in the world to speak up and you did_ absolutely nothing_. It took this nightmare and a drunken night to get you to confess. Makes me wonder if you would've said _one fucking word_ about it had you been sober."

Squeezing his eyes tightly shut, he pauses. I know he's trying his best to control his temper. I know it's taking every ounce of his self-discipline to not pummel me here and now.

"Two years ago, something like this would've pissed me off had it been just you and me involved. Two years ago, I would've been this angry because you took advantage of _my_ friendship. Now, however, it's a completely different story. I don't even care about what you did to me. It hurt like hell, sure, but that doesn't even faze me. You hurt her. You hurt Lily, and then if that wasn't bad enough, you tried to cover it up.

"Did you know that she cried herself to sleep every bloody night? Did you know that her grades suffered? No, you didn't! But I did, I heard the tales from Alice and Marlene. She was wasting away because on top of the pressure she already has from being Head Girl and you took it upon yourself to add to it. Then she was attacked. Not only by Rosier, but by the gossip ring of Hogwarts as well. For two weeks, her life was hell. Is that clicking in your head yet?"

A painful, twisted smile is on his mouth. There's no humor in it, no trace of laughter or waywardness in his eyes.

"And to think…all of those conversations I had with you, telling you what she meant to me, about how I was planning on marrying her. All the nights I stayed up trying to sort through this mess. All the nights I turned to you, _trusted_ you, and still you did this. Still, you tried to spoil everything. Almost every bad thing that's happened to _her_ is a consequence of _your_ actions."

My stomach turns and my heart drops as he tells me what I already know to be true. Every remark, every syllable that leaves his mouth is spot on. And though I've told it to myself and heard it from two other people, coming from my best friend, it's never hurt more.

"I know. And you have no idea how sorry I am. I can't even put it into words. But I'll do whatever it takes to make things right again. I want the both of you to be happy. I want to fix this."

He shakes his tousled head as he looks to his side, flexing the pressure out of his joints and muscles. The look on his face tells me plainly that he's two seconds and an apology away from throttling me.

"Well you know what I want? _I_ want to beat the shit out of you right now. _I_ want to make you suffer like you've never suffered before. _I_ want to make you feel all of the pain and exhaustion that the two of us have felt. _I_ want to make your life a living hell the same way you made mine. But I won't do it. I won't sink to your level. I don't want payback; I've been there, done that, and I won't be going there ever again."

His eyes soften and his voice cracks at the end. I know what he's remembering. All of those times when he just had to get in the last word of an argument, just had to throw the final hex. All of those instances led to a week's worth of detention or a very cross Lily, most of the time both.

Right now, he almost looks vulnerable. I see the pieces of the emotional front he's built to get through this. But beneath it all, I see the pain. And not just his pain, but hers as well.

But even more than that, I see the damage that could only be done by a close friend. I see the broken confidence and a shell of a friendship that used to exist. That could, hopefully someday soon, be as it once was.

"I won't do it because she wouldn't want me to do it, she wouldn't want me to turn against you. That's why she did this in the first place. When you hurt her the first time, she forgave you because that's how she is. That's how much she loves and respects you. And now that you've managed to hurt her another time, she'll probably forgive you again if she hasn't done so already.

"But I'm different from Lily. I'm not so eager to forgive and forget. I never forgave you for some of the hits you threw at her before this happened and it's highly unlikely that I'll forgive you now."

I feel sick, insanely nauseous. He won't wipe the slate clean. He won't forgive me. I'm losing my best friend.

And the worst part is that it's all my own doing.

My breath is caught in my throat as he assembles his thoughts. More words to twist the guilty dagger in my stomach. More cross words to finish me off.

"But…you're my best friend. I still love you like my own flesh and blood. And what I want more than anything else is for the old Sirius to return. I want my best mate back, not this imposter. Maybe in time I'll find it in my heart to fully forgive you, but I won't ever, ever forget. I hope you don't either."

His hard eyes are zeroed in on mine and their intensity never wanes for a second. I wonder if he can see my soul.

"I want you to remember what you've done every time you see her. I want you to remember what you've done every time you hear her name."

Slowly, he starts to walk away and I think he's finished, but then he turns around and stares me straight in the eye.

"But most of all, I want you to remember what she was willing to give up for you."

And as his back is turned to me, leaving me behind in the empty hallway, I do a recap of what just happened.

James trusts very few people. I'm proud to call myself one of them, or I used to be, anyway. And I know that it takes a lot of work for him to forgive, but to learn to trust is a whole other level to acquire.

But as I do a replay of his words, I realize their true power.

He's giving me a second chance to redeem myself. He's giving me the chance to repent.

And for what I've done, what I nearly destroyed, a chance is all I can ask for.

* * *

"Coffee?" 

Thick strands of Marlene's dark brown hair twirl in mid-air as she faces me, her shocked eyes landing on my anxious face.

"What?"

I shift my weight and lift the brimming mug for her to see.

"It's black with two spoons, just how you always said you liked it. I figured you could use one right now, you've been up most of the night."

She glances from my face to the proffered cup in my hand before cautiously accepting it.

"Thanks."

Both of us lean back against the wall, seemingly relaxed, but the tension could be cut with a knife. She sips her coffee, I stare at a suit of armor propped further down the corridor.

It's like we've never met before, like I've never held her or talked to her or laid eyes on her before.

I hate this feeling. I hate that we act like strangers, that my errors are blocking any form of relations between us.

And then she asks the question that makes the wheels in my head spin out of control.

"Why'd you do it?"

I feel her eyes on me, but I don't turn to look at her. I'm not sure that I can. I don't know how to give her my answer. So instead, I cheat.

"Don't you know by now?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I see her gaze leave my face as she swims through her own complex thoughts.

"After I was told, I was curious to know if it had something to do with our relationship. You were so quiet around me afterwards and I wondered if you had taken your frustration with me out on Lily and James instead. I guess I was right."

I shake my head. I don't want her to hold our relationship in a bad light because of my own personal problems. It may have stemmed from our break up, but it was never her fault. All she did was love me, all she did was care.

And though the last few months of our relationship were very turbulent, my only regret is that I didn't try harder to make it work.

"Yeah, you were, in a sense. But it wasn't just us; it was everything, my whole life in general. This war, my parents, my brother, everything. All of it was taking a toll on me, but I didn't see the warning signs. I didn't bother to change anything about myself. And finally, when I did, it was for the worse. It was so easy to want to be someone else, someone like James. And I've gotten to the point where I feel like an alien in my own skin."

I tilt my head at an angle to view her more clearly, watching as she slowly swallows the strong liquid.

"But during that time, I discovered something else. Something I never, ever thought I would feel…"

Sipping at her drink, her eyes move to mine.

"I don't know how it happened or the exact moment I knew for sure, but…I'm in love with you. I know this isn't the best time or way to say it and it's past due, but I needed to let it go. I need you to know. Because I see it now, I see what you've wanted me to see all along. And I'm ashamed that it took this nightmare to finally understand, but I do. I love you, Marlene McKinnon."

There. I said it. I finally, _finally_ said what had been coursing through my mind for days. A soft smile curls up the corners of my mouth at the thought.

I imagined that this news would make her at least a little more cheerful. I didn't anticipate her to jump me or anything, but the reaction I received was not even close to what I expected.

Not close at all.

"That's great, Sirius. It really is. And I've missed you, I have. I want to believe everything that you've said, but I don't know if I can. You've lived a lie for too long. How am I to know that you've really changed? What if this is just a phase?"

"It's not, Mar, I swear it's not. I can promise you—"

"Can you?" she shakes her head, causing her bangs to conceal her piercing stare, but I feel like she can still see through me, "You always give me promises…empty promises. You always say exactly what I can want to hear. But I can't do it anymore, Sirius. I can't accept your promises only to have you break them over and over. I can't keep giving so much to you only to receive so little in return. It's sounds selfish, but it's fair to me."

I feel the warmth of her palm against the cold skin of my hand and I have to suppress a shiver. Even when she's refusing me, my body still reacts as if it were the opposite. Damn hormones. Damn love.

"I would love for you to live up to those words. I would love for you to be devoted and sacrificial, but the truth is, I don't think you can. Not right now, not when everything is so…fresh. Maybe someday we can make it work because I do love you, I do still carry strong feelings for you in my heart. But for now, all I want is your friendship."

Her fingers barely skim my shoulder, but this time, I don't shudder. Her words have stung, hanging cruelly above my head as if to taunt me. My ears narrowly catch the low whisper of, "I'm sorry," as she walks through the doors to the hospital wing.

And all I can do is watch them swing shut in her wake, smell the sweet scent of her lingering shampoo, and speculate how I let her slip through my fingers.

I don't chase after her, I don't protest. What is there left to say? She's made it clear where I stand. Where _we_ stand, if I can even call it that anymore.

I've never been in love. I've never felt the need to fully give myself to someone and for that reason, I've never had to cope with the pain of a broken heart.

Until now. Until Marlene.

Yes, it hurt vastly to see the cautious gleam in Lily's eyes, the anger and disappointment in James'. But after all of that, to be shunned by Marlene—_my_ Marlene—is beyond description.

Maybe this is karma, the 'what goes around, comes around' theory played to perfection.

I broke Lily's heart. She broke James'. It's only fitting that mine would meet the same fate, that mine would shatter in spite of my attempts to turn things around.

Because this recovery will take so much time. There is no quick fix, no magic spell that can put the pieces of the puzzle back together perfectly.

I can appear calm and collected; I can flash smile and laugh and decorate the outward appearance to my liking in order to disguise what's really there. And even then, it's not adequate. Even then, apologies aren't enough to salvage what's been tarnished.

All that glitters isn't gold. Not all stories have happy endings. Sometimes, even the most elaborate of starry-eyed fables must come to an end.

And just now, Marlene closed the book on ours.


	22. 21: All I See

**Disclaimer:** You should know better.

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE**  
Chapter 21:** All I See

'_My hands float up above me  
And you whisper you love me  
And I begin to fade  
Into our secret place  
The music makes me sway  
The angels singing say we are alone with you  
I am alone and they are too with you'_

"All Around Me"-Flyleaf

* * *

_**James' POV**_

**December 10, 1976  
Thursday**

There are times when you have to take a step back and do a little soul searching. When certain events come along and force you to look at your life from a new perspective.

What used to be so trivial becomes the center of your universe.

You cling to the things that you used to take for granted, you take on bigger and better aspirations.

It's the instant when you realize how exceedingly fickle you've been. That the material objects—money, gold, fancy broomsticks (or cars)—mean very little in the grand scheme of things.

It's the moment when you comprehend what really matters: the people and possessions that you can't replace. The things that, if lost, would leave a gaping hole in your entire being.

It's the split second, the minute, the hour, or the day that defines the rest of your life, an occurrence that you'll never forget for as long as you live.

I'm experiencing one of those moments right now as my fingers run through the silk crimson hair belonging to my sleeping girlfriend.

Since the first day I found her in this very bed, I've been doing this same practice.

I want to commit to memory every line, every inch of her impeccable porcelain skin…even the faded scarlet marks produced by a single wand. I want to memorize each texture that her body has to offer. I want to learn the rhythm of her pulse beneath my fingertips.

I want to make damn sure that she's safe, that she's here, that she's with me or someone else who loves her dearly.

The reality of how many precious seconds away Lily was from being tortured beyond sanity…the reality of how close I came to losing her forever…

I've always been overprotective to some extent. Even when she turned me down and said yes to other guys, I still made it my mission to fill her in on each of their reputations. To let her know when she should watch her back or turn away on the whole.

But after he almost hurt her the first time, after he came so close to raping her, after she woke up almost every night for months on end having the same nightmare…I became obsessed with shielding her from all harm.

I checked every shadow and walked her to every class that I could; I spent every waking moment devoted to being her personal bodyguard. And perhaps I did push myself away from my friends. Maybe I did

But when she ended it with me, I lowered my defenses. And when she told me I was too overprotective, I stopped watching her back completely.

I'd let my guard down, I'd momentarily forgot about the peril Evan Rosier presented when given even the slimmest of chances. He'd slipped my mind and for the first time in a long while, I wasn't prepared for the hand life dealt me.

One warning sign should've been an alert: he harassed her once, he bribed me, and then he pursues her yet again. I should've known that he would never lay down his weapons without difficulty.

But I didn't take heed to the forewarning and now the love of my life is suffering the consequences.

I look down again and her mouth is slightly parted, releasing a light snore every now and then. I smile down at her peaceful countenance while she uses my chest and shoulder as her pillow; this is the most decent sleep she's had in a good while.

Madame Pomfrey told us what would happen. She warned us of the side effects of each potion. She warned us that the trauma from the event would flare up periodically, whether in the form of dreams or the shunning of her peers.

But the legitimacy of her cautions didn't really sink in, not entirely.

This is my Lily, the fighter, the determined little redhead that conquers anything she sets her mind to. The most stubborn person I know, the embodiment of perfection, the quintessential over achiever, the keeper of my heart.

Her gusto for life is amazing. She defends the innocent of Hogwarts, does all of her homework, and manages her Head Girl duties with superb grace. So healthy and so feisty.

Thus, seeing her writhing and screaming in her sleep…running my fingers over the deep gashes on her stomach, arms, legs, neck that have not yet healed… holding her trembling hands in mine as her muscles contract…all of it is more than I imagined. It's unfathomable.

It's not supposed to be like this.

The woman I love is full of life, able-bodied, _happy_, and there's nothing in this world I wouldn't give to have her back.

Someone to the left of us—a man—clears his throat, successfully bringing me back to reality.

"Is she finally getting some sleep?"

On average, I'm not afraid of authority figures. I can have a normal chat with Dumbledore, share a mild joke at McGonagall's expense, or have a serious discussion with any Ministry worker that crosses my path.

But Daniel Evans is no run of the mill authority figure.

And frankly, the idea of launching a conversation with him like the one I have in mind scares the hell out of me.

"Er—yeah," I stutter, struggling in a pathetic fashion to compose myself, "They gave her a dreamless sleeping draught so she can get some rest without remembering…certain issues."

"Why haven't they been giving it to her before now?" His dark brows pull together and I can sense a degree of exasperation laced in his tone. Frankly, I don't blame him. It's pretty damn frustrating to watch someone you love suffer when you know there are methods to prevent it.

"They have, but it takes specific ingredients and time to make. I think at one point, they ran out of a few of the key ingredients. Professor Slughorn, our Potions master, made a fresh brew this morning."

He nods and leans back in his seat, trying to soak it all in. I can only imagine how he's feeling right now. It would be like someone stripping me of my wand and tossing me into a muggle hospital. Holy shit.

"I'm not sure if I ever told you this during the time you've been here, but…thank you. For being here for her, for…" he pauses, "…loving her. I know about your history together, that it definitely hasn't been trouble-free. And I know that recently, things haven't been so great between you two and that she broke your heart."

His lips purse and his hand pinches the bridge of his nose, his eyes alter from me to his precious daughter in my embrace.

"Honestly, after I heard about it, I didn't think you would show up. You've brought some normalcy back into her life. You've made her smile and laugh. I don't think I can put in words how thankful I am."

I've never witnessed a grown man cry, but I can see the threatening tears in Daniel Evans' emerald eyes. This is his baby girl and he's been forced to watch her battle the effects of something that he, being a muggle, has no clue about. He's felt helpless and confused throughout this whole ordeal and it's amazing that he hasn't broken down already.

Not knowing what else I can do, I merely smile and shrug. I pretend as if I'm not expecting a thank you, but his words and actions have truly touched me. Never would I have expected this man to be so open with me, someone he'd barely spoke a full sentence to in all the time Lily and I have dated.

"There's really no need to thank me. You don't even know me that well and yet you've treated me so nicely these past few days. Your kindness alone is enough. But really, she's done everything on her own; she's a strong woman. I've just been here like the rest of you to give her as much support as possible…"

A weak chuckle meets my ears and I glance at him to find him grinning at me.

"You really don't know the affect you have on her, do you?"

I hold back a scoff. The effect _I_ have on _her_…

A quick thought enters my mind. I'm not sure when I'll get another chance to share a conversation with him like the one we're having now since he and Rebecca are departing tomorrow. I know what I'm about to do will be risky since the subject matter is well within earshot, but it's now or never.

"Sir, I'd like to talk with you later about something that's been on my mind for…"I scold myself for almost ruffling my hair, "…well, let's just say quite a while."

His knowing eyes watch my every move, but they don't show any signs of anger as I had anticipated beforehand.

"Say no more, James. I know what it is you're going to ask me."

Trading gazes again between my face and Lily's, he gulps down the lump that has visibly risen in his throat.

"Are you positive that she's in a deep sleep?" He poses, arching an eyebrow and tilting his head to acknowledge Lily.

"I'm sure of it. I've had the same potion before and I was out for hours on end, but I suppose it varies."

"All the same, I think that we should at least move out so we don't disturb her."

I give my silent concurrence and slip her off of me and out of my arms, gently laying her head down on the cool pillow. I follow Daniel's footsteps to a floor to ceiling window where he currently stands.

"Before we get to the crux of the matter, there are a few things I should say to you. Things I've been wanting to say after the first few days we stayed here."

He folds his arms and crosses his legs as he leans against the wall, his expression suddenly serious. Just like that, the disposition of a daunting father that was absent minutes ago has once again returned.

"I never thought too much of you. Father's are like that when their little girls grow up and get boyfriends. We're always overprotective when it comes to our daughters and suspicious of any boy that she brings home. Because to us, she's still that little girl in pigtails who sat on our laps and listened to our old, burnt out stories just so she could hear us talk. And I wasn't ready to let her go then and until a few days ago, I wasn't so sure that I could ever do it.

"But when I saw her face light up as she looked at you for the first time the other day, you won me over. I've never seen her so ecstatic to set her eyes on anyone in my life. And in my opinion, anyone who can make that expression permanent deserves her. I can tell that you're different from the other guys she's dated or talked to. You make her happy. You treat her like a lady. You love her unconditionally. You are, without a doubt, an exception to the rule and I would be honored to call you my son-in-law."

He's no longer able to hide his emotions and a tear trickles down his cheek, but he's still peering down at me kindly. His warm eyes glitter with approval and gratitude, their vivid luster reminding me so much of Lily's.

He laughs when he eventually turns from me, directing my attention to the girl on the bed.

"It appears that you've made her day."

I smirk as my gaze lands on hers, her bottle green eyes wide with delight. The brilliant grin on her light pink lips becomes more prominent as I step away from Daniel, who's conveniently making his exit, and take one towards her.

Without further delay, she leans forward and extends her sore arms, waiting for me to come to her side and pull her to me. I do just that, hugging her and swaying us to a made-up melody.

"I didn't know you were here. How long have you been waiting?" she questions and I feel her lips move as they press against the tepid flesh of my neck.

"Oh, for the past three hours. You were out of it. Drooling, snoring…I think you might have moaned my name once or twice," I tease and she sticks her tongue out at me, but the pretty color on her cheeks is a dead giveaway that she couldn't wave off the comment so effortlessly.

"Actually, I got here about thirty minutes ago. I've been watching you since I arrived."

"Oh! Guess what? Madame Pomfrey is going to let me stay in the dorms again! Of course, I'll have to continue taking the potions. Apparently the cuts were too deep for a regular healing charm and I'm still pretty sore from the Cruciatus. But other than that, I'll be back with you in the Head Dorm."

The joyful grin that has been plastered on her face since she witnessed me alongside her father is still firmly in place. When she weaves her fingers through my unkempt hair, causing a few locks to tumble into my eyes, I release a shaky breath that I didn't even know I was holding.

Her father's words play in my mind…

_You really don't know the effect you have on her, do you?_

"This might strike you as a little more than odd and maybe a little cliché, but I could feel you here. I get this tingling in the pit of my stomach. It only happens when you come around. Even when I was asleep and couldn't dream, I could tell that you were nearby."

She leans the weight of her body against mine and our foreheads come together.

"You know how much I love you, right?"

I nod and close my eyes, savoring this moment. Merlin knows we haven't had very many enjoyable times like these within the last few weeks.

"I do, but it doesn't hurt to have a reminder every now and then."

She wraps her arms around me waist as I do to hers, squeezing as close as possible to one another.

"If that's all you need to hear, then…I love you, James."

"I love you too, Lil."

We stay wrapped in each other's arms for a few minutes until she pulls away, taking a step back and looking down at the floor. And when she raises her head, her face holds nothing but pain.

"I talked to Severus."

"Oh?" I query, a queasy feeling rises in my throat and I rub the palm of my hand on the leg of my trousers.

"Yeah. As you might have guessed by now, it didn't go so well."

The anxious look on her face softens slightly, but I know better. I've don't completely understand her affiliation with Snape. Never have and most likely never will. I don't trust him and I can't comprehend how they developed a friendship in the first place.

She told me that they lived near each other when they were younger and that he was the first to introduce her to magic. He was her best friend and so was Petunia.

But time changes everything, leaving no stone unturned. It changed Petunia, it changed me, it changed Lily, and it changed Severus Snape.

At some point in her life, he meant a great deal to her. And maybe, in spite of their lack of recent communication, he still does. However, the crowd he hangs with has grown darker, his attitude more menacing.

I'm willing to bet that after we graduate, he will become a Death Eater…if he isn't one already.

"I thanked him. I wanted him to know how grateful I was for what he did. I'm not sure why he did it exactly, but I am appreciative."

She gulps, looking down at her long, elegant fingers and anxiously picking at her nails.

"And I asked—I asked him that if it had been you…or anyone else…if he would have done the same thing for them. He didn't answer and right then and there, I knew nothing had changed. He's still being poisoned by those brutes he calls his friends."

I wrap and arm around her waist and kiss the crown of her head, listening and watching her attentively as she speaks.

"I don't know what I was expecting. I thought maybe…he'd changed. Like you did."

"He's changed all right," I mumble to myself, but she overheard it and sends me one of her infamous glares.

"Sorry, couldn't help myself. I know where you're coming from. It huts like hell when your friends change—"I stop and wince, realizing right away how my words apply to our situation with a certain friend right now.

"Enough said. Can we change the subject, please? I've had enough of being sad and I want to be all smiles when I'm with you."

I lean closer until my lips graze her ear and smirk when I feel her shiver.

"I can think of a few things we could do to cheer you up."

She giggles and playfully smacks my arm. I grab it at the exact spot where she made contact, pretending like it actually hurt.

"Oi, woman! Even when you're in the hospital wing and still shaking out the sleep, you find ways to injure me!"

"Aw, poor ickle Potter. Should I kiss it and make it better?"

With a wicked grin, I suddenly lunge and she squeals as I tower over her. For a moment, I see something flicker in her eyes. In a flash, it's gone.

Fear. I scared her.

_I_ scared her.

At once, I straighten up and draw back. The last thing I want to do is scare her away from me.

"Sweetheart, I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking when I did that…"

She shakes her head fervidly and presses a thin finger to my lips to silence me, but it doesn't change the feeling in my heart. I can't believe I did something so stupid. She was attacked and I go and pull a stunt like that…

"Shhh, James. It's okay. I'm not—" she cuts off, heaving a large sigh and twisting the sheet into knots, "I'm not afraid of you. I know you'd never hurt me under any circumstances and I'm sorry if it came off that way. I guess all of it is still in my head from the…you know. Usually, it doesn't bother me, like when we were talking right before. But when little things happen that catch me off guard, the memories start to come back one by one."

I nod to let her know I understand, all the while storing this piece of news in my head for future use. With a sigh, I press my mouth to her temple.

"I really wish I could spend more time with you, but I have a Quidditch practice to conduct. I'll pay you a visit later, though. I'll bring some food with me."

She smiles and I give her a parting kiss before pushing through the doors. I round the first corner when a steady hand latches onto my forearm.

With a hand on my wand, I turn to see Daniel and Rebecca Evans directly in front of me wearing identical melancholic smiles.

"Like I told you, you were certainly not the first to step through our door to try and sweep our little girl off of her feet," Daniel declares.

His sad eyes glance in the direction of the room containing the girl we hold dear to our hearts. Then they move back to me, a different, unrecognizable emotion stirring within them.

"But we hope that you'll be the last."

* * *

**December 14, 1976  
Monday**

A lot has been on my mind lately.

Lily. Evan Rosier still roaming the streets or countryside. Exams. Lily. Quidditch. Having to do double duty as Head Boy. Sirius. Oh, and Lily.

And right now, the center of my focus is the future.

I will marry Lily—I have no reservations about that. I'll provide for her a safe home, wherever it may be. But there's one concern in my mind, one nagging little thought that just won't go away.

Starting a family.

I want children. She wants children. Our parents want grandchildren. But it doesn't matter what anyone wants. Like I told her, if it happens, it happens. It's out of our control.

I can't wave my wand and make it all better. She can't drink a potion that will reverse the effects.

And it kills me to know that she wants this just as much as I do. That the one thing she longs the most for might be the one thing I can't give her.

So I'm trying a new approach, one that I haven't done since I was a young child.

I am not, nor have I ever been a deeply spiritual person. There are so many questions that can't be answered and it's hard for me to put my faith in something that varies from culture to culture.

Yet here I sit on the cold aged wood of a Quidditch pitch bleacher, tightly clutching the small beaded rosary Lily's mother placed by her bed in my clasped hands and wondering what made me seize it.

I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to express my thoughts through words, especially not to a 'higher power'; religion has never been my area of expertise.

A strange serenity washes over me and I close my eyes, clear my head, and let the inane dialogue flow profusely from my tongue.

"I'm a lucky man. I have everything I could ever want—an amazing family, the best friends anyone could ask for, and I have some of the credentials to become an Auror—but I also have her. I have her love, and in the end, if that's all I am left with, it would be enough."

Little by little, I open my eyes and glance down at the small piece of wood in my hand, wondering if this is just a waste of time, if my desperate plea will obtain any significance at all.

"Watching her go through this hasn't been easy on me. If I could switch places with her and take away her pain, I would in a heartbeat. If there were anything else I could do to help her, I wouldn't hesitate. But I can't. The only reassurance I have is that she's in Your hands. That maybe You can watch over her and work things out for us. And when she does come back to full strength, I give You my word that I'll cherish her for as long as I live and after, if possible. I'll never let her slip through my hands again. I'll never take her for granted, never. I want to live a full life…I can't do that without her. I want to give her everything her heart desires. Love, security, happiness…and a family."

My head falls into my hands and my glasses drop down the length of my nose. Even through my blurred vision, I can see the small puddle of amassed tears on each lens. Through my desperation, I know I have company. I don't bother raising my head to look, I can sense who it is.

The man who stood by me through one of the lowest points in my life. The man who has sat with me countless hours in settings parallel to this one and listened to me gripe, then offered me his best advice. The man that as of right now, I consider my most loyal friend.

Remus.

Silent tears fall down my cheeks and he waits until I'm ready to talk. Having to endure my recent breakdowns, he's now accustomed to this scenario. And he knows that when I'm ready to talk, I'll do it. But in this place, my haven, the built up tears of frustration and worry must be released. When I step back into Hogwarts, I'll have to be strong again. I'll have to suppress my tears as I wipe away hers.

"They'll find Rosier. Dumbledore won't let him get away scot-free. And even if he doesn't, old Voldy won't be too happy that his little servant failed, now would he?"

While giving him a smile, I realize that this is the first real conversation we've had since the day the whole lot unraveled. In fact, between studying for the exams that the professors are throwing at us right and left and supporting Lily, I haven't made time for much else.

"You're worried about her, I know. This has been hard on all of us, but especially you two. But you can't put the rest of your life on hold. Lily will be fine. She's going to be out of here and back to her old ways and she'll be with you."

Remus sprawls on the wooden bleacher behind us, crossing his ankles and his arms as he stares pensively into the sky.

"Sirius told us."

Even though he can't see me, I respond with a nod nevertheless. I wasn't sure who knew about it, whether it was just our closest friends or the entire school, but I didn't expect Sirius to be so forthright.

"I'm not making excuses for him because what he did was horrible. But if there's anyone who can tell you how much of a toll this is taking on him, it's me. He regrets it, James, he does. More than you want to believe."

Of course he's regretful. Somewhere inside his messed up heart, he is. But as I told him, I don't forgive and forget without difficulty.

"I honestly hate him right now, Remus. I swear I do."

He pauses, taking in the austerity of my statement, but he doesn't object. There is no ounce of sympathy for Sirius left in my body and Remus is conscious of that. I know that at one point, he's felt that way about him too.

My friend looks sickly, a sure sign that the full moon is approaching. The scars on his skin seem to glow in the winter sun. His posture, which has never been completely erect, is even more lax than usual. Faded bruise-like colors circle his hollowed eyes, but I see within them a seriousness and wisdom that only he can impart.

"You have every reason to be furious with him. I can't say I blame you. When he told me, I was angry and I wasn't involved. But he's working through it. He's living with his mistake and it's eating away at him. He's paying the price, he has been all along."

He inhales sharply and sits up a little straighter, undoubtedly agitated by the fact that his words of wisdom aren't affecting me as they normally would. A little time has passed, but it's not enough. Not enough to thaw my icy mind-set toward my former best friend.

"If Lily were in this situation—if it were Marlene or Alice or another close friend of hers—what do you think she would do?"

Immediately, I think back to the conversation I overheard between Lily and Sirius on the day of his first visit.

"I think that's pretty obvious, especially since she's already done it," my tone was a little more severe than I'd intended, "She refuses to brush him aside…she loves him. But it's just so hard for me to look at him and not think of the shit we went through. It's inescapable. I take one look at him and I see her in the dorm, the look in her eyes that night we patrolled, her face when she saw me in the hospital wing. And when I look at her, I see all of those things as well. And then it hits me that it was all because of him."

"Tell me," he says, looking purposely straight ahead at the goals on the pitch, "Why do you think Lily forgave him?"

The simple question is followed with an effortless answer.

"She loves him. He's practically her family."

"Exactly. She does love him. But the bloke she loves is not the same one we're seeing now. He's not the one who broke her heart."

He turns to me, a profound expression etched into every crevice of his face, and he elaborates.

"She loves the Sirius who helped her cram for the Transfiguration exam at the very last minute. She loves the Sirius who told her lame jokes just to put a smile on her face. She loves the Sirius who taught her how to play Quidditch just so she could wipe the floor—or shall I say, ground—with you. She loves _that_ Sirius, the one she's known for six years straight, not the man who materialized out of nowhere this year and did this to her."

I evaluate his words, opting to move my eyes to the banners waving high in the air while, and I feel a hard slap on my back.

"But hey, it's your call and you have all the time you need to figure it out. Why don't we head back up to the common room? Alice was still gone with Lily before I left, so I'm sure they're back now. I'm sure you want to see her."

We take the long journey through the castle using every shortcut we can recall. I'm as familiar with this place as I am with my own home. And as we approach the Fat Lady awaiting us at the Common Room entrance, I peek at my mate standing next to me.

"I'm sorry that I haven't talked much lately. No one's mad or anything, are they?"

He chuckles, staring at me in disbelief.

"Prongs, quit acting ridiculous. We understand that you have other things going on. Hell, even McGonagall has cut you some slack. She_ never_ does that. Everyone knows that your place is with Lily and we'll be here to give all of the support we can."

"Thanks, Moony."

Through this tribulation, I haven't considered the impact this has had on everyone else, the sacrifices they're making for both of us.

I climb through the opening first and I catch sight of Alice and Marlene standing by the girl's staircase. A little confused as to why Lily is not with them, I amble over to join them with Remus narrowly pursuing behind me.

"I thought you went to the hospital wing with her?"

Alice bemusedly shakes her head, equally confused.

"No, I tried but Madame Pomfrey's assistant said she needed to speak with her alone."

Feeling a bit uneasy, I immediately turn to Remus. She told me the trip would be brief, a sip of potion and that was it.

"I'm sure she's fine, James. They're probably letting her rest out the effects of the potion. Don't get yourself so worked up."

I shoot a glance at the portrait hole, debating on whether or not I should go check on her and hoping that Alice is correct.

"Prongs…" Remus' calming level voice pipes up from behind me, "Lily's been taking the remedies and doing everything they've told her. We would know if something else was going on."

I face the others and lower my head. I'm being unreasonable, I know, but I can't help it. Before I have time to realize what's going on, I feel a pair of arms hugging me loosely and I look down to see the top of Alice's head.

She pulls out and pats me on my back as she grins.

"So, are you going to tell us what you're getting her for Christmas, James?"

I can't help but laugh at the eagerness displayed on her heart-shaped face. My grin never falters as I give her my answer, my thoughts switching to the object resting securely in my back pocket.

"I have a little something in mind."

"Are you going or staying for the break?"

Alice snuggles closer to Frank in front of the fireplace, chewing over her reply to my question.

"I'm not sure. Since this is our last year here, I kind of want to stay, you know? I mean this is our last time to spend Christmas in Hogwarts…unless we become professors and I bloody well don't want to do _that_. But this is it, all she wrote."

And she's right. Our last Christmas break at Hogwarts. Our last time to dine on the delicious food prepared by the house elves. Our last chance to experience the realistic snowfall descending from the enchanted ceiling of the Great Hall.

"It is. I'm going to miss this place. So much has happened here, both good and bad. It's hard to imagine that we're leaving it behind, that by this time next year, we won't be where we are now."

I look around our small circle at the solemn faces of my friends, each of them sharing my reflections, each of them reliving their own memorable moments of our home away from home.

Maroon and gold tapestries. Mahogany and cherry wood banisters and tables and chairs. Plush couches and suitable study desks. This is what we've known since the tender age of 11. And in a few months from now, we'll have to bid it a fond farewell.

Our musings are interrupted by the low, scarping sound of the Fat Lady's portrait sliding open, the quiet footsteps of the respected visitor causes us to rise to our feet.

Dumbledore squats as he climbs through, nearly losing his half-moon spectacles along the way. Impassive, but the corners of his mouth are twitching slightly.

And then he looks at me, not bothering to hide his amusement.

"Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter," a wide smile spreads across his face and his electric blue eyes glitter vibrantly as he notices my confusion, producing a light chuckle from him.

"I have a present for you. I hope you don't mind it being early," he turns away from me, facing the entrance of the portrait hole once again.

My heart beats erratically as I scamper out of my chair and sprint to his side for better vision.

_Breathe, James, breathe. _

She's here.

My sweetheart. My angel. My love.

There are no scars, no apparent soreness or visible signs of pain, replaced with a gentle, yet excruciatingly beautiful smile that makes my heart skip a beat.

The shade of green I love so much reflects the dancing flames illuminating the room, enhancing their natural sparkle.

And then my arms are around her waist and my head is buried in her auburn hair, akin to the moment our eyes connected in the hospital wing over a week ago. Similar to every day I've held her since.

Only this time, it's better.

I feel her lips come in contact with the hollow of my throat and I swallow, attempting to uphold control over my unbridled emotions and holding her even tighter. I couldn't let her go even if I wanted to.

This is the moment I've been waiting for. The moment when I could look at her and not see her skin marred by some hex, not worry about the damage or numbness in her limbs.

And now it's here. She's here.

My beloved is back, looking unscathed and absolutely gorgeous. Her skin is just a tad bit lighter than usual, but otherwise, she looks as good as new.

She's beaten this and by doing so, she's made a powerful statement.

To me, to Hogwarts, to the entire world of magic, and—above all—to Voldemort and his fanatics.

Come what may, they will not defeat her. They can throw as many hexes and curses at her as they like. They can call her every name in the book. But they will never, ever kill her spirit.

This is not about me; it's not even about them, really. It's about her and her strength of mind.

I hear Dumbledore's counsel, his words of advice as he stands behind me. I listen as he says something about the search for Evan Rosier and his allegiance to Voldemort. I listen as he speaks of further recovery and the chance that she will still have moments of weakness. I listen as he commends her for mending so quickly, her iron will, and our friends as they chat amongst themselves.

But she is all I see.

"It's over, love," I murmur in her ear as I tenderly caress her face with my fingertips, hardly believing that this is real, "You're safe and sound."

She's positively beaming as the soft petals of her lips brush my cheek and her arms encircle my neck.

_If only I could freeze time…_

"I love you, James," her voice cracks and her joyful tears soak through my shirt, but I don't care.

Both of our hearts are beating rapidly in our chests, the rhythm of her slow and steady breathing mingling with my own.

My world is right. My heart is complete. My love for this woman has never been stronger.

And now, there is only one thing left for me to do.


	23. 22: Hardly Different

**A/N:** I won't even begin to explain my two plus months of absence because it could take ages, so I'll just say this: I'm incredibly sorry, but it was not without good reason. In short, I've been on the verge of a breakdown since January because I've been going full speed ahead with everything in my life. And, as it always does, it finally caught up with me. Thank you to everyone who has been supportive and PM-ed me and just…I don't know…discussed things with me. Never once did anyone pressure me to put this out and I thank you for that!

As you might have read in the note I posted on my home page a couple of days ago, this story will be a tad bit longer than I'd anticipated (but only by a chapter) and it will be in Sirius' POV, not James. It won't have the L/J that I'd initially promised because the idea for this came at the spur of the moment, but it is still very important in terms of rekindling James and Sirius' friendship.

For those of you who wanted it a little bit longer, rejoice! For those of you who didn't, well, I'm sorry. And for those of you who don't really give a shit, well, rejoice anyway! Lol.

A major thank you to Leesa (Will Write For Food) for being my beta for this excruciating chapter. Her insights as well as the various songs suggestions that she gave me were outstanding and I hope to work with her again :-) Thanks so much for your hard work, Leesa (cyber hug)!!

* * *

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE**  
Chapter 22:** Hardly Different

_'When all is said and done  
Will we still feel pain inside?  
Will the scars go away with night?  
Try to smile for the morning light  
It's like the best dream to have  
Where every thing is not so bad  
Every tear is so alone  
Like God himself is coming home to say_

_I, I can do anything  
If you want me here  
And I can fix any thing  
If you'll let me near  
Where are those secrets now?  
That you're too scared to tell  
I whisper them all aloud  
So you can hear yourself...'_

_'__A Little's Enough'—Angels and Airwaves_

* * *

**Sirius' POV**

******December 18, 1976****  
********Friday**

There's something forlorn about this impending Christmas break.

The thousands upon thousands of colorful lights on the colossal Hogwart's cedar trees don't seem as flamboyant, as joyful they normally do.

The sugar cookies don't taste as sweet.

The hearth in the common room isn't as warm or bright as it generally is this time of the year.

Even the house elves' steaming cups of hot chocolate—which I ordinarily (and secretly) enjoy—seem to have lost their mass appeal.

It seems like there are a hundred different things that are just off kilter, a hundred different things for me to complain about.

I can't pinpoint the exact cause of this odd and considerably depressing vibe, but I have a couple of theories.

Maybe it's because this is the last Christmas I could spend here if I choose to do so. As much as I've professed my hatred for the majority of my classes (and a few professors)…as much as I would deny this to any soul who would bother to ask…I'll miss this place.

At Hogwarts, I feel a sense of belonging that I've never felt anywhere else. I grew up as a pureblood, constantly surrounded by magic, but never of this kind. Never the _good_ kind. And once I stepped through those giant doors as a self-doubting first year, I could only imagine how different it would be.

I wasn't expecting to be sorted into Gryffindor. I assumed that my blood alone would lead me to Slytherin like the rest of my vile kin (excluding the rare members who are truly pleasant from the 'vile' description), but I was mistaken.

_Thank Merlin. _

I've contemplated staying here and waiting it out. I wouldn't be alone; I've heard several other seventh years discussing the prospect of sticking around for what will be their last Christmas in this enchanted old castle. It holds many memories for me.

Some are great—being the first of the Black family to be sorted into Gryffindor, becoming a Marauder, plotting our various pranks and enjoying the life that comes with being young. Far from innocent, but young.

Then there are the others—the icy glares and threats from scattered members of my insane relations, a brief fit of my own lunacy when I almost caused Snape's death, and, most recently, my destructive conduct that very nearly cost me _everything_ that I hold dear.

And that, unsurprisingly, brings me to the other reason why this holiday season isn't as it should be.

I rake at the rubbish under my bed, trying to simultaneously minimize the mess and figure out what I should pack, and my hand collides with something hard.

Hard, cold, and smooth…like thick glass.

I wrap my fingers around the narrow part of it—it isn't large at all—and pull it into my view, though I already know what it is.

And there it is, my suspicions verified. My hand clutches the source of my personal hell as well as my temporary escape for the past few weeks.

A half-empty, half-full bottle of firewhiskey.

I stare at it through narrowed eyes, watching the russet poison swirl and swirl as I have so many times before. I've guzzled so much and carved it into my senses that I can smell it through the impermeable stopper and dense outer shell. Every splash is beckoning me. The ache to pop the cork and down the remaining liquid is all consuming, even to the point of smarting.

How I long to feel the burn on my tongue and the sweltering fire slide down my throat just one last time. How I want to drown what's left of my identity and drink until I can't remember anything or anyone.

_Go on…one last time and that'll be it. You've said your apologies, you did something good, and now you can have a drink. Just one._

The wicked voice is nagging, urging me to cave in like I've done in many of my weak points throughout the past couple of months. And it would be easy, very easy…but I'm not so wrapped up in my semi-addiction that I can't discern truth from fiction.

I know it's all a lie. I know what will happen if and when that bottle touches my lips. One drop, one taste will never be the last. It will never be satisfactory. It will never be enough.

If I take one drink now, before I know it, I'll be standing at the entrance of the Hog's Head or another filthy bar in Hogsmeade, anxiously waiting for 'one more' sip.

No. One drink will never be enough.

Unconsciously, my feet lead me into the washroom, stopping directly in front of the sink and it's toiletries. I pop the cork, tilt the bottle…and pour the remnants of my demons down the dark and endless drain.

Disappearing like Lily's scars, washing away like James' half-hidden tears. Every ounce of it leaving, just like Marlene. Just like I've left everything else to become what it will.

The last drop falls, hastily fleeing out of sight like the rest, and I let out a shaky breath I didn't know I was holding.

That, too, was my own damn fault.

It isn't until I look down that I realize my sticky hands are gripping the edges of the sparkling porcelain basin. Bit by bit, my fingers unfurl from the rims and all at once, I feel ludicrous.

How did I let it get this far? Once upon a time, I was someone who turned to alcohol just to get my jollies. Heavy drinking was limited to Quidditch victory parties, especially after a thrashing of Slytherin, but never did I resort to drinking out of sheer misery.

I start to back away with the clear bottle in hand and my eyes drift upward to an image I can't recognize.

The first thing that I notice is my strategically messy hair, in spite of my weak attempt at taming it this morning, is now in natural disarray.

Tired, hollow eyes, the dark circles underneath them giving the impression that I was involved in a nasty row.

Sallow skin. Not that I was very dark to start with, but I certainly had more color than this. Even in this weak lighting, the bluish veins in my neck, arms, and the faint wire-like lines in my eyelids stand out in contrast to the rest of my complexion.

I look _old_. I even feel _old_. Not just two, three, four, or five years older, either. Twice my age is a fitting assessment.

Too much, way too much, and I practically run out of the room. I know that I'd let myself go. When I walk through the school, I see each and every face and their appraising glances, thinking I can't see the burning intrigue within.

_What happened to_ **__****you**?

And that's a very good question. A question that I hope they'll never solve. Would they believe it if they knew?

At this moment, I'm fumbling with my pile of clothes, not really caring if they get wrinkled or what they'll look like when it comes time for me to unpack at the Potter's. I'm not sure how much to bring…I doubt I'll be leaving my room very often.

"You could use your wand and be done in 5 seconds or less."

My hands halt their movement, a single shirt falls from my fingertips at the sound of James' laid-back and slightly condescending tone.

"Yeah. Thanks. Good idea." I give myself a mental punch to the face. Why the hell didn't I remember that?

I'd wondered what would happen when this inevitable moment arrived. Will he hear me out, will I say the right thing when time came for me to speak, will I dig myself into a deeper hole? I had to make myself think of all the possible outcomes, good and bad. And either way, I will be forced to accept either conclusion.

Our friends probably think I'm wallowing in self-pity, hiding from the unavoidable altercation that is currently bearing down upon me. The truth is that I don't know what I'm doing.

Is this what you call hiding?

In all fairness, I thought it would be wise to give James and Lily their space, especially after what they just went through. I fought against my strange urges to plea my case many, many times thinking that it was the right thing to do.

And now, standing here and looking the casualty in the eye, I'm not so sure.

I turn back to my trunk and the muddled heap of shit that pretty much covers my entire section of the dorm. I can no longer see him, but I hear his footsteps as he passes me by.

"I thought you would stay," he relates, tilting his head to the side and his keen eyes surveying me vigilantly. I can tell by his tone that what he said wasn't meant to be cruel, he's just merely curious as to whether or not I would meet the challenge head on. After all, we're not on the friendliest of terms and there will be more than a few awkward moments, guaranteed.

I shrugged halfheartedly. "I was going to, I didn't have a thing packed or prepared. I'd even made plans for a stroll down to the kitchens and get a 'preview' of the Christmas dinner, but then an owl came today and it sort of…changed my mind."

He nods as realization dawns upon him. "You got one too, then."

I lift the pink-hued parchment of my nightstand and toss it to him, but he doesn't bother opening it. The light weight in his hand is easily recognizable; I caught sight of Mrs. Potter's refined stationary before the owl had a chance to land and peck on my window.

The Potters have always been very good to me; providing a shelter when I had none, giving me warm home cooked meals, buying me school supplies and clothing (which I strongly protested and lost) before I received word of Uncle Alphard's inheritance and after.

Needless to say I was almost afraid to open it. It took me nearly 15 minutes to break the wax seal and 30 to unfold the letter. I suspected that by now, they would know all about my transgressions and would probably be seething at what I did to their son and the love of his life.

I was expecting a harsh lecture or unkind words telling me never to set foot in their house again. I deserve the sermon. I deserve the cold shoulder. Any other time, I would balk at punishment or sneer in its face, but I knew I had earned this one fair and square. So with a heavy heart and troubled eyes, I set my sights on the laconic paragraphs.

I discovered that I couldn't have been more wrong.

It doesn't really make much sense. How could she be so caring after I purposely hurt her son? How could she want me around? How could she have already forgiven me when I have yet to forgive myself?

The letter isn't in my hands, but some of the bits and pieces cannot be blocked out.

'_What you did no longer matters. We all make mistakes. The point is that you learn from them and that you come out a better person. That's what I want for you, Sirius.' _

I smiled through my shock as I read it, memorized it, and thanked the powers that be for not taking the closest thing to a real family I've ever known away from me.

James is looking out of the large crystal clear windowpane facing the shadowy Forbidden Forest, his mum's letter to me cast aside. In the glass I see my own tense reflection standing a short distance behind his.

"I never stopped being your friend. Regardless of what you might have thought, or what you may still believe, you three are my family and nothing will ever change that." Absentmindedly, he lifts his right hand and touches the glass, immediately retracting it once it collides with the cool pane.

For a long while, we stand like this, with me in the darkened shadows, and he silhouetted in the window. He starts to say something, but stops after more than a slight intake of breath. He turns his head sharply, and opens his mouth, but closes it abruptly. I watch as he stands on the brink of saying something very important, arguing with himself over the words.

Ultimately, he sighs and does a sort of half-turn, still not facing me all the way, "It's taking every ounce of courtesy I have to admit this," he speaks lowly, almost void of emotion. "But I've missed you. You have a rotten temper, you're a right git occasionally, but you're my best mate."A smile flickers over his lips and he chuckles a little bit before sobering up enough to say, "But there's something you need to understand."

Rather than waiting for me to respond, he draws in a deep breath and turns his back to me.

"It's no big secret that I love Lily. I want to marry her some day. Maybe not as soon as we graduate but some time within the next two or three years. And even though it may be out of the question, I want to have a family. But if it does happen, I want to be there for her. I want to be able to protect her and our child if and when the time comes."

He turns suddenly on his heel, facing me again, but not quite looking at me. Instead, he glares at a point just over my shoulder. He sighs, clenches and unclenches his fists, and drops his shoulders in a frustrated manner. I've seen him act exactly the same way after a particularly difficult Quidditch loss, or, before, after another messy altercation with Lily.

It's yet another part of the James I had almost forgotten. I'm starting to recognize him in everything he does.

"It's not fun and games outside of these walls, it's not about Quidditch and goofing off. Every day, there are new names in the paper: Aurors, muggles, and muggleborns. People who are dead. People like Lily. And pretty soon, we'll be out there. _We'll_ be fighting. _We'll_ watch people we know suffer and _we'll_ lose people we love. It won't be just appalling pictures in the Daily Prophet or horror stories from eyewitnesses. It'll be for real, right in front of our eyes."

In all of the years I've known James, I've never seen him wear a more serious expression. The intensity in his eyes, now dark with emotion or a new life that's wormed it's way beneath his skin. And although I've known it for months now, seen the evidence with my own two eyes, I can fully distinguish what's happened to my best friend and I can appreciate it; he's matured.

Not just the maturity that comes with falling into a true, deep love, though that's certainly played a huge part in it. But it's the kind he's warranted from taking the blinders off—reading and taking to heart each scrap of news, studying the history, becoming aware that there's more to life than what we've been accustomed to living for years now.

He's grown up. He's changed for the better. He is slowly becoming that person he so eloquently described: the spitting image of his father.

The 'm' word. The binding word. I did not miss how effortless it was for him to say it or how a smile flickered across his lips as the words left his mouth.

I suppose I should be saying something along the lines of 'you're too young' or some other bollocks, but I don't. I suppose I should call him crazy, tell him he's a fool for diving in head first, but I don't.

And I won't.

I've known for a long time now that James and Lily's relationship is beyond the limitations of numbers. I might not identify, but I can most definitely respect it enough to save the reprimanding comments for couples that deserve them.

I want to say something, anything, just to let him know that I get it now. Really get it. But it appears that he isn't done.

"I could tell you everything about her that makes her special to me. I could go on and on, but I know you've heard it all before and you're probably sick of it. But I will say this," His tone is low, almost a whisper, but I hear every word loud and clear, "It takes a great deal to break her spirit and even more to break her heart. Sometimes, she'll hold a grudge. It took us the better part of five years for her to get past the one she held against me. On the other hand, we became better people because of that snags. And if there's one thing I've learned coming out of it, it's that she's willing to make exceptions for those she cares a great lot about."

Both of us are tense. Both of us are having hard times letting go. Me, trying to forgive myself. James, trying to end his animosity. I admire him for having the nerve to come here and remain calm. I doubt that I would if I were in his shoes.

"The last thing I want is for her to be unhappy but she is. And it has nothing to do with what you did. That's over and done with. She's unhappy because of where we stand."

His hand flies up, compulsive as ever, to his hair to make it even messier and he steps a little closer, drawing my attention away from the floor.

"I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot about her, naturally, but about you and as well. And I want to have the same attitude as her. I want to forgive you, for her sake and for my own. I don't like the hostility and I doubt that you do either. So, that's why I'm here. I think it's time that we start putting this behind us."

My lips are turning upwards for a surprised, yet appreciative smile. This new curve feels strange; I haven't done it in a while, but it's not an unwelcome change. I'm not an emotional person and I hate it when people try to make me crack, but this time, I don't care.

I _want_ him to see how grateful I am. I _want_ him to know that this means a lot to me. I _want_ him to know that underneath this ghastly person is someone who cares for him like a friend and trusts him like a brother.

He's busy digesting my reaction when it really hits me how important this is. Having him around, having someone to joke with and laugh with; I haven't had that in a while and I miss it. I miss his wit, his semi-wild antics, his devious ideas that used to land us in hot water with McGonagall.

I miss _him_. More than I knew and a lot more than my masculine side is willing to acknowledge.

Without James' presence, I've talked to Remus quite a bit. He's a great friend, an intellectual. He knows exactly what to say and how to say it and I've recently relied on him more than usual for sorting through my own problems.

And Peter is, well, Peter. Doesn't have a lot to say. And, he gawks too much for my liking, actually. Nevertheless, he's good for a prank and a couple of laughs, though he hasn't been around to do much of that lately.

But there are just some shoes that can never be filled no matter how hard you try. Some people burrow under your skin and in your soul and leave such a deep mark that you can't forget. To put it simply, Padfoot isn't Padfoot without Prongs, no matter how love struck either may be.

Without so much as a warning, the floodgates fly open and my thoughts, my emotions, my everything tumbles out in reckless abandon.

"I wanted to have this talk with you. How I would've started it or tried to apologize, I have no idea. I'm horrible when it comes to this and I know I say it over and over, but I am sorry, incredibly sorry. If I could snag a time turner and fix everything I would do it in a heartbeat. I made a mistake and it hurt you and Lily. It hurt me too."

Standing there patiently, he watches as I throw my words around, scrambling for a solution, trying to explain things that I don't understand. What seemed so easy and free flowing in my head now feels like an impractical task. Choking, gagging me and making my tongue spill sounds that seem redundant.

Sighing, I opened my mouth again to say something that I hope makes a bit of sense to either of us.

"This can't be easy for you. I don't know how you can even _look_ at me, much less give me another shot. But thank you, it means a lot to me." Then I laugh a bittersweet laugh, and can't help but feel that I need to amend myself. "It means more than a lot to me. I just…."

Taking yet another pause to gather my words, I finally stop holding back my thoughts, and let go of the last thing that was keeping me and James from recovering. I say exactly what's on my mind, just like I used to. "I screwed up so much. And I want you to know that I understand. I understand so much more about everything I've done wrong and everything I need to do. I'll find a way to make it up to you. And Lily."

He's right. She would do whatever it takes to erase the hard feelings between us. This will make Lily happy and that is one of my top priorities. I want to see her smile again, I want to hear her laugh again, and James wants all of that as well.

A grin, though a mere silhouette of his typical roguish appearance, crosses his face. It's not sarcastic; it doesn't have hidden connotations that suggest anything else. Just James.

I return to the load before me, tossing my schoolbooks out of my bag and onto the bed, when a certain book catches my eye.

Snape's book.

Snape's book with his declaration of love to Lily.

I weigh the idea of showing this to James, deliberating if they're worth the effort of an explanation**. **Now is not really the time for him to be dealing with this, but he deserves to know. Just as he arrives at the door, right hand ready to turn the knob and leave me to my things, I make my decision.

"I know why he saved her."

He freezes.

The sentence was short and concise, but it makes his severe and probing gaze shoot to mine faster than the drop of a knut. He doesn't need to ask, he's very conscious of who 'he' is. There's only one person who meets that criteria right now.

"What do you mean?" he asks even though it's a pointless question.

I think he has a good idea of where this is headed and he does not like it at _all_.

"What I mean is that I know why Snape didn't leave her behind or allow her to be tortured by Rosier," I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the worst. "He's in love with her."

Shock flits through his eyes, from his wrinkled forehead to the bobbing lump in his throat that he's desperately trying to swallow. He seems to be in a trance-like state while his mind, his heart, his stomach process these new details. Or _is_ it new?

"I don't need to hear this." He said irritably, his voice dangerously low and a little unsteady. Snape has always been a sore subject for him since what has been deemed the 'lake incident' of fifth year and even more so now than ever before, I suppose.

"Whether you need to hear it or not isn't the issue. What I said is a fact."

He rounds on me again, his already wide eyes magnified by his glasses, holding back the shouts I'm sure he'd love to release right about now, but he manages to reign in the impulse.

"What _is_ the issue? You think I haven't noticed? I've seen in firsthand. In Potions, he sneaks glances when he thinks she isn't looking. When we pass him in the hallway, he doesn't sneer at me anymore; he peeks at her instead," he closes his eyes for a brief second and purses his lips, "I've seen it, believe me, I have. I've just never made anything of it because I know it won't amount to anything and she'll think I've gone back to how I used to be."

"Ja—_Prongs_, look. I've never paid enough attention to him to notice. As a matter of fact, I couldn't care less about who he's looking at or what he's thinking about. I just found it out a few weeks ago before all of this happened. Slughorn wanted him to tutor me, we got in an argument, and he gave me this shabby old book so we wouldn't have to work together. It's right in here, plain as day."

I flip open the book to the spot where the inscription was written and hold it out for him to see. He takes it from my hands and balances it on his palms, staggered by the truth directly in front of him.

"Look familiar?"

Glancing over the page, reading the initials that he's scribbled so many times in his own notebooks, he shakes his head. Not as a refusal to accept the truth; surely he has seen that gleam in Snape's eyes, almost identical to the one that shines in his own. He would have to be blind not to see it.

But that doesn't mean he's not fighting it.

"If he loves her then why is he still hanging around those brutes Crabbe and Goyle? She's made it clear enough about what he needs to change, don't you think? If he loves her, really, really loves her, then the choice should come easy."

I roll my eyes and toss the book back on the bed. Obviously not the best decision since it caused a few of the loose pages to fall all the way out, but I couldn't care less. It's doubtful that I'll ever put it to good use.

"I'm not saying that I understand what goes on in his twisted little head and I'm glad that I don't. I do, on the other hand, know that you've thought about it. I know you've wondered why he would save her when one, he knows you love her and two, she's muggleborn and he's Death Eater material. Come to think of it, that's probably the only thing you two have in common. She means something to both of you."

He crosses his arms defensively and glares, but he doesn't counter.

"I take it they've questioned him about Rosier, then? He probably knows exactly where he is but he's not saying anything. Can't take the risk of incriminating himself, can he?"

"If he does, he hasn't said anything. He probably knows but there's no use in denying anything. Dumbledore would know if he's lying; Dumbledore always knows."

"If I—" I start, but he predicts where I'm taking the conversation and cuts me off with a violent shake of the head.

"Stop it. Stop accusing yourself for something that was out of your control. You did your damage, yeah, but what happened to Lily is not your fault. In fact, I say that it's partly mine. If I had said something, done something after the first time instead of letting my anger get the best of me, it could've spared us."

Irritation bubbles up inside of me and I forcefully slam my trunk shut. He leans away, my explosive reaction taking him by surprise.

"If that's how you want to look at it, Lily, Moony, Wormtail, and I are just as much to blame as you are. We were there, we could've said something to McGonagall or Dumbledore or anybody but we didn't. _We_ didn't. This is not your mistake. I can't blame you for reacting the way you did. If that had been Mar—"

The discontinued name hangs in the air, needing no further explanation as the air leaves my lungs. James is clearly undecided as to whether he should speak or not, but judging by the silence ringing in my ears, he chooses the latter.

No. I can't think of her like that anymore. I can't think about the 'what ifs' or the 'should haves'. I can't think about all the things I want to say because none of it matters. Neither speaking nor shunning her name will bring her back or send her further away.

For a long minute—a minute that my mind used to loiter on unattainable wishes—we were at a standstill. He coughed, I fidgeted, and we both waited for the discomfort to pass. Neither can think of a way to bridge the gap until a light of remembrance clicks in his eyes.

"I guess we've established why I came here." He leans against the frosty glass and smiles. "Now here's where you come in."

Just like that, we're nearly back to normal—or at least what is considered normal for us. For so long, I was so certain that we'd changed again and again and again. Yet here we are, worse for wear, but hardly different.

"You're going to help me do what I should've done a long time ago." That familiar, devious Marauder twinkle comes back to life in his eyes and the long-lost sense of exhilaration stirs in my veins.

Things are going to get interesting.

* * *

**A/N: **This was painful to write. I told myself I was done with Sirius' character and I originally had this in James' POV, but as I was reading over it, nothing seemed to fit. It felt like I was cramming three gallons of shit in a two-gallon bucket, lol. So of course, when I have the time and my brain is less fried, I'll be going back and making any improvements I can think of. But for now, it is what it is.

Just so you know, I have a poll on my page that will let you have somewhat of a choice on what you'll read for the final chapter. Should it be in James' or Lily's POV or split it between them? Go vote now and let me know! I'm closing the poll Tuesday night.

And since you've all been faithful, kind, and ever so patient readers (read thank you note on my home page), I'm going to give you a taste of a random scene from Providence, my other novel-length project that should be coming out sometime later this year. This is one of my favorite scenes that I've written so far. I do hope you enjoy :)

* * *

Providence Clip:

"_What more do you want?"_

_Whirling around, I meet her imploring eyes, desperate for my response. Any response, anything that will explain the awkward conduct I've displayed throughout the course of the evening._

_And I relent._

"_You want my answer?" I snap and she draws back from me, surprised by the ferocity in my outburst._

"_When I watched him touch you out there, it made me sick. When I watched him hold you like that, I wanted to throttle him," I shake my head, trying to clear it, but the words tumble out before I have a chance to stop them._

"_I told myself I was done, that I was okay with it, but I'm not. I'm pretty fucking far from being okay, really."_

_My hands rip at my hair, tendons straining and teeth clenching with each new admission. I hate mouth for saying too much. I hate her for making me lose my restraint. I hate my heart for jumping onto my sleeve. I hate fate for its awful timing._

_Most of all, I hate myself for giving in._

"_Do you get it now? Do you want to know what I want more than anything?"_

_I take a few steps closer to her and she nods, the incensed fire still blazing within her emotive eyes and a different kind of flame igniting in my chest._

_I can't pretend, I can't lie, I can't continue to fight a battle that I don't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning._

_So I say the only thing that comes to mind, the sole desire that's causing me to behave this way._

"_You."_

_In one swift motion, I draw her body to mine by her wrist, my lips instantly claiming and devouring hers in a scorching kiss. At first, she's taut from shock, but I run my tongue over her bottom lip—tasting her, teasing her—and she softens in my arms._

_There were no questions left to answer, no mystery behind this tremendous want and this enormous need to hold her and kiss her and whisper words of adoration against her flesh, her hair, her lips._

"_I want you."_

_Those three words—three words I've fought, and failed, to bottle up—come out in one hot breath against her neck, giving her enough time to take in air before my mouth finds hers once again._

_No kiss, no snogging, no quantity of steamy sex has ever made me feel this much in one gulp of air, one strong beat in my chest._

_The feel of her supple lips caressing mine, her nails dragging along my scalp and shoulders, my hands roving under her shirt, touching the warm velvet of her skin._

_Nothing I've experienced before has ever felt so right._

_My hands dip down to the small of her back, gliding over every smooth arch and curve, and I feel her retract just a little. When I open my eyes, I see her unrepressed confusion._

"_James, what are you doing?"_

_I tug at the hem of her dress and slowly inch it up her skin, my hands gently grazing over her long, pale legs, her rounded hips, her slim waist, and higher as I gaze into her smoky jade eyes._

"_Listening to my heart."_


End file.
